Melody,

I don't to ignore anyone or report anyone to the mods. I wouldn't want to miss a helpful comment - even ones which I disagree with or ones which are hard to read.


You probably missed this:



You definitely threadjacked and made this about something else when I asked for help with something very specific. What I don't get is why you are behaving this way towards me.

Thinking,

Thanks for sharing the emailed thoughts of the day your received.

I think you're right about coincidences.

Chris, no one has threadjacked your thread. But I will gladly take my leave.

Take care!

Thanks Melody.

Weird, isn't it?

It sounds like you have set a course of action for yourself. Good for you. Finding an IC is on my list this week too. (Not for marriage issues, more for other personal issues that could totally sabatoge the marriage if I don't get a handle on them. I'll probably share on my thread later this week.)

LA,


I saw those and read them several times. After doing that I knew I needed professional help. That's the truth.
BTW - I mentioned this before but it's worth sating again - My decision to participate in IC is not really based on a thoughtful request from my DH. I am doing it for me. I need and want peace. It's really that simple. I hope that doesn't change your support of my decision.


At first I tended not to read the SAA threads, but I have begun to see many similarities as you said.

As always, thanks for your comments. They are always a learning experience for me.

Sounds like we are on a similar journey as far as that is concerned. I feel that me addressing my personal / internal issues will make it easier for me to use MB to work on my marriage... but what I am really expecting to see is an improvement in all areas of my life.

I'll be looking for your thread. Please be on the look out for mine if you can.

It would help if you just have one thread and keep posting your various issues in one place. I can keep up because I'm on alot, but at some point, when you are vet and your marriage is in recovery and people want to see how you got from point A to point B, having it all in one place will be a great gift!

(Hows that for encouragement?)

I think it's hard to stick with one thread too. And I kinda like the "topical" type threads as opposed to airing my dirty laundry like a weird public journal. But I guess I will get used to it! I just hope none of this gets published when I run for president! LOL

That's a little tough for a few reasons...I tend to think of things and experience things in a compartmentalized fashion and I have very specific questions about the MB program.

For example, my very first thread was me dealing with the initial shock of first being told that my spouse was planning a divorce. I've moved on from that.

In this thread I had a mini mental melt down down as my Taker rose up.

There's another thread I started because I had questions about Dishonesty as described in the Love Busters book. I wanted to know about other people's experiences, whether it was a common difficulty (turns out it is ), and I hoped folks would share their methods for dealing with it. I feel that as I learn more, I'll have more specific "how to" questions...

The thread about my IC will be a separate "issue".

I really don't know how to tie this al together into one thread.

I'm just like that. And I never linked it with the compartmentalization before, but that's very telling. I have been makeing huge efforts to NOT compartmentalize so much, because I recognize that it's on way that I avoid accountability. I'm "Nice Girl A" at church, "Nice Girl B" with my family of origin, "Sometimes Nice, Sometimes Wicked Girl C" with my husband, "Nice Girl D" with my friends. I dreaded my wedding day because all my compartmentalized worlds were going to collide! The world did not end though, and it was really neat to have all my worlds in one place. For that day, I was "Radiant Girl E" to everyone.

I've always had a hard time with the single thread etiquette here though, for exactly the same reason. I have specific questions about specific topics. Except I kept getting the same darn answer "Use ALL of the MB program." GRRRR That is so annoying Mark and ML!!!!! But I do love you guys! So I started my own thread.

I totally understand

OK everyone PLEASE...Tell me if this is "normal":

I am still doing MB with my spouse but I feel like I'm losing steam. Specifically, I am avoiding LBs but I today I seem to have grown weary with attempting to meet ENs. A friend of mine pointed out today that I appeared upset and agitated the last time she saw me and she asked about the situation (she knows about all of this) and today she said I looked detached and indifferent when she asked.

I asked her to describe life as a divorcee and the more she shared the more and more interested I became...I even tried picturing myself like that. Starting over with someone new and non-violent / non-angry. Falling in love again, but making sure I choose a man who was different and who was willing to use MB practices. I became curious & I asked her to tell me more about dating. When she saw what I was doing, she stopped the conversation. COLD. She said she did that because she is aware that I was trying to save my marriage.

So, I thought I would try a little...test. I stood really close to my husband as he was leaving for class just now...just to see if I would FEEL anything.

I FELT NOTHING. All I could think about is how wide he looks. Why did my mind go there?

Someone please tell me - What exactly is happening to me?

The other day after our most recent "Big Talk", I thought I was starting to feel something but just now - nothing nada...ziltch - except for maybe...a little disgust. I am also more at peace today because I did not commute with him and he has class tonight so he is gone. That makes me feel more peaceful, than if he were downstairs reading his school books or watching TV.

GAH!

Please tell me - is this a normal result of being in a non-infidelity Plan A for too long? Is this a sign I need to stop my Plan A, and intiate Plan B - ask him to move out and not to contact me again unless it's to set up Marriage Coaching with Dr. H? OR Is this day to day variation in energy & enthusiasm "normal"?

I personally don't think you are giving it enough time.

I also think you have a very good friend.

LOL!

I understand, and she is a good friend. But I am fearful because of these feelings of disgust. What do I do about them?
Will my MB behavior create good feelings for me although I am doing lots of giving? Mel said the danger is in the resentment fo giving and giving for too long. God knows - I had that problem already.

Your feelings are the result of an empty Love Bank.

Might even be a bit on the overdrawn side.

Mark

PS No, this is not my shortest post ever.

OK, WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MARK???

Watch out, here comes a mild 2x4.

It sounds like you are using MelodyLane's statement as a justification for your feelings of "disgust."

You have latched onto the same thing I want to latch onto . . . .that time frame. I want to know that I only have to be a giving wife for X days without reciprocation before I can justify not trying anymore. It doesn't work that way, because a justification is just a lie that I tell myself so I can sleep at night.

You don't have to justify your feelings. You can't control them, they are what they are. If they are positive feelings, you can celebrate and enjoy them. If they are negative feelings, you can choose to feed them until they consum you, or you can choose to wait them out while taking care of yourself.

Here's what I think about resentment. It's not about giving and giving without reciprocity. Resentment is the direct result of my expectation of another person's behavior. And I can't control another person's behavior, no matter what I give or withold. They choose, not me. So why in the heck would I have an expectation of someone whom I can't control anyway? It makes no sense.

The solution to resentment is to stop having expectations of other people. I replace my expectations with personal boundaries and consequences.

Wow. I'm speechless.

Here's another quick thing to think about, LA-style.

What I dislike about another person, what causes me disgust, is in me too. So I use my negative feelings about another person to jumpstart my introspection about that facet of my own personality. I try to see it, recognize, make friends with it, see its motives, etc. I try to have compassion for that part of myself that I want to deny, and as I do this, I begin to have compassion for that which I see in the other person, instead of disgust.

Mark? Is that you?!




OK - so what can I do to fight it off. Look @ old pics of him / us together? Fanatsize about him @ nite (we're still not co-sleeping)? What?