Wow, those sound like GREAT ideas!

I don't have any old pics of me and my husband when we were dating. I was in a downward spiral of depression when we started dating. In fact, I hardly take any pictures of anything. Aside from my first child's first year of life and a few pictures every few months of the kids, nothing. It's really sad, because I was at one time a professional photographer and am actually really talented.

My H and I are *so* much better than we were 6-8 months ago... blended family issues aside. (Seriously... I was at the point I honestly - and I hate admitting this, it's embarrassing - was wishing him dead and now the only thing we're really having problems with is the kids.)

I still have days where I look at him, and just don't "feel it". The love bank is still having ups and downs (we have trouble with our schedules finding enough time for SLEEP, much less proper UA) and my feelings of attraction go with it. And if I'm upset over the kids, it's worse.

So I can vouch that at least for me it's a back and forth, up and down, two steps forward one step back kinda thing.

And some days I question if I did the right thing sticking it out.

Some days I'm immensely grateful I did.

Maybe in a year or three I'll know what the right choice was.

Why mild? Make all my 2x4s extra spicy please.


Not at all...just trying to figure out if what I am experiencing is typical.


I'm sleeping at night anyway...I don't think about the fact that my H is sleeping downstairs in the guest bedroom or that he's taking "time" to sort out his feelings (do MEN actually do that? I mean - am I kidding myself here or what? Wouldn't most guys try to sleep /have sex with the wife anyway?) I try not to think "MY BED IS EMPTY BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT ME." I think about all the gym time I'll be getting in soon and how fabulous I'll look in a few months. And - I don't even want to type out what I sometimes think of next. Let's just say - I plan to have a very full social calendar from this point forward.


Roger.

Truthfully, my interest is finding an answer and guaging whether my reactions are typical. If they are, & folks here have seen this before - they can advise me on how to deal with them.


OK. So, I should stop expecting that he'll respond to my MB efforts. That is very hard to do. But - if I had a timeframe (like we talked about above) for saying "enough is enough" that would be a boundary right? DH can't keep me waiting (and giving) forever.

I was thinking that in about 2 weeks, I will ask him to fill out the ENs & LBs Questionnaire and then book some more sessions w/ Dr. H for myself.

**Please don't ever hold back on a 2x4 for me.

Good point. Thanks Thinking.

TTT, I understand where you are going with this, howevr this philosophy sounds much better on paper than it is in practice. Feelings just ARE. If we are not honest about them and/or try to deny them, they just get worse. Better to acknowledge the thing that disgusts us and then work to eliminate it. I am disgusted by many things, for example, and not because they are personal traits - they are not - but just becasue that is my emotional reaction. If I feel disgust towards something my H does then he EXPECTS to be honest about that. And vice versa.

I realize Chris in not in a position to reveal that kind of honesty with her H, but IMO, denying it makes it worse. In a typical non-Plan A situation, the solution would be radical honesty with that spouse about your complaint so he can change it. Enduring a behavior that is "disgusting" is a lovebuster that leads to the erosion of love. So allowing that to fly is harmful to the marriage.

Chris [no more talking about you in the 3rd person............sorry! ] what happens with extreme giving is the narrative changes to: "BY GOD, I HAVE GIVEN AND GIVEN AND IT IS MY TURN TO GET!!" The taker comes out with an unholy entitlement minded vengence to settle the dang score! And when the score is not settled, punishment ensues. That is exactly why Dr Harley speaks so strongly against sacrifice. I think you are VERY WISE to stay alert to attitudes like that and I applaud you for staying aware. That is a dangerous place to go.

p.s. to thinkithrough and Chris, I just LOVE YOU GUYS to pieces! You are doing such a wonderful job researching, questioning, discussing and learning this program. You are just AWESOME and are an asset to the forum. I wish I would have worked as hard as you guys when I first arrived, I would have saved myself a lot of grief!

So..AC - you're saying it's typical? I am relieved.

Thinking, you liked the ideas about looking @ old pics & nighttime fantasizing...Check.

Ladies & Gents,

This is very hard. In some ways, it seems like Divorcing would be easier. At least then, I would know the outcome. It's the uncertainty which makes it so tough. That and the fact that I'm working the MB program by myself.

So, Friday night I have a movie date with some female friends to watch The Secret. DH offered to drop me off at the house. (Odd, since I am allowed to drive now.) He also planned a "boys night" (going to a bar with his friends'0 out for Saturday after we get back from spending the day together shopping. (Our child will be @ a friend's house all day Sat thru Sunday morning.)

It is very hard at first. The difference is that if it works there is a payoff: a great marriage. On the other hand, if it doesn't work, the payoff will be divore.


I am sorry to hear that. do you have some ideas on how you can persuade him to go out with you alone?

]
I missed this! Does he ENJOY SHOPPING, Chris? My husband HATES it and would be miserable.

We are going alone. Sorry if I wasn't clear.

He LOVES shopping.

Guess what?

DH spontaneously decided to sit with me & eat his dinner & talk with me just now instead of disappearing to the lower floor!

Progress!

Chris, I think it sounds normal, too. One point in time. Divorcing may be easier, I don't know, but I did feel like I was learning a lot about myself and becoming a person that I liked again, and I would do this married or single. So I thought, might as well do this married, because who knows, I may just turn this around? And if not, if I didn't turn it around, by the time I got healthy again, and some time after that, then in the meantime, at least my kids were just with me and their dad, instead of getting used to other strange folks. And I found lots of reasons to stay when I wanted to, too. Do you ever watch your H sleep? So peaceful, you get to see your H that you fell in love with again. And do you ever lay on his shoulder? Isn't it just incredible? And hug him when he comes out of the shower? Doesn't he smell so fresh, just like you remember?

Or touch his face the day he shaves?

You lucky DAWG!!

Mel<----green with envy

My husband loves shopping too... as long as we're buying clothes or such for me... he HATES spending money on himself. And he is FABULOUS at picking out clothes that look INCREDIBLE on me. Which is a good thing, because I *am* the AntiChick... I'd wear nothing but jeans and t-shirts & sweats given the opportunity. He also *MADE* my wedding dress.

Jealous yet?

He also cooks and cleans and does laundry. (When he feels like it, but it's more often than *I* feel like it...)

If I could clone him, I'd be a rich woman. Well, I'd need to find a way to filter out some of the moodiness, but hey, no one's perfect!!

Don't get me wrong . . . I'm not saying that I should DENY what disgusts me. I'm saying, acknowledge it in my husband, but also acknowledge it in myself. And when I work to elminate it, I work to eliminate it in MYSELF, but work to ACCEPT it in my husband until such time as I can be readically honest with him. Plus, by that time I will have developed some compassion for said defect, and will also have had some experience in elminiating it in myself.

The defect that comes to mind right now is being undisciplined. Both my husband and I are VERY undisciplined about just about everything. I'm maybe a little better about some things, but not much. I see that trait in him and it disgusts me, irritates me, drives me up a wall, and it erodes my respect for him. But when I realize that "if you spot it you got it" I discovered that I feel the same way about that trit in myself. And it unveils another layer of my own self-hatred, which I'm then projecting onto my husband. NOT good! So I am working to become more disciplined myself, so that as I do this, I can inspire my husband by my example. It may not work, and that's not my main motivation . . . my main motivation is respect for myself.

Thanks for the clarification, TTT. But what if you are very self discliplined and he is not? That trait may still be a lovebuster. What constitutes a lovebuster for him, may not for you and vice versa. When you recognize such a trait in him, it doesn't mean you a) have that same trait or b) it constitutes a lovebuster in him.

Or lets say you are both undisciplined, but it doesn't bother him, but it bothers you? The solution is for him to stop because it is a lovebuster. But the reverse is not true. So the answer is for him to CHANGE, not for anyone to accept a behavior that is a lovebuster, because that leads to an erosion of love.

This is an exact description of my husband.

He helped me set my professional wardrobe up when I left the Navy. We went shopping all the time and he recommended styles & colors to flatter me. He does more than his fair share of household type things, and he is quite moody. I attributed the moodiness to his experiences during military service. Anyway, these are things about him which I really appreciate.

I know you're trying to be positive / encouraging Mel...but honestly, I would trade the love for shopping with something else - such as an unwavering committment to our marriage or a peaceful disposition rather than a tendency towards anger. I can go shopping alone or with friends. Besides, people who love to shop sometimes end up with high credit card balances / debt.

Chris, I'm in such a similar position lately. In fact, I'm copying the AC's post and moving it over to my thread.

BTW, I have a husband who self-admittedly has an "inner Martha Stewart". I've learned to just defer to him in matters of paint colors, wall and window decor, accessories, etc. He also has great taste in clothes. He's an OK cook, but when he does cook, the presentation is beautiful. He sets a mean table. He's better at sewing than I am.

I have a better, more stable, higher income earning job history. Why in the world we didn't switch traditional roles...back when our first was born over 19 years ago...

...well I do know. He couldn't bear the thought of being a stay-at-home Dad. Wanted the 'big' corporate job which he has been chasing now, almost 20 years, with varying degrees of success. I would have been extremely happy being a SAHM and gladly gave up my generous six figure job to do so. If we had never switched roles, we'd still be homeowners today with a solid retirement fund and college savings for the kids and a perfect credit record.

Some days, I wish I could have a "do-over".