Terrific. It works.

Now when are you going to call the coaching center. Fair warning, I will nag you on this until you either do it or give me a reason why not.

Larry

Sent.

No Larry I have not contacted the coaching center.

Show the letter to your wife.

Larry

I didn't ask you if you had, I asked you when you were going to do it.



Hey it is seldom I do more than make the suggestion one time when I spot a situation that needs it. In your case, I feel strongly that it would be a really, really good step for you.

I will give up nagging you if you tell me too.

Larry

She was in the room and I asked her to look at it. She didn't but I read it to her.

Very good.

Larry

Well, against some of your advice I have come to the new job. We are both going to receive individual counseling to get our heads straight.

Mine so I can possible give her more answers as to why I did what I did and how it make things better in the future.

Her's to get her head straight to see if she will be able to fight for us.

The together counseling will come later (I truly hope!)

NAG alert. Are you going to use the coaching center? If not, please use the following guidelines for selecting someone to help you.

How to find a Good Marriage Counselor

I was not one of the ones who said don't go. I said that it was complex and needed the guidance of a pro and none of us on here are pros. I saw a lot of benefits to the move, not the least of which was getting your wife closer to her family.

Talk to us DH, the more you say, the more help you get because the more you say, there more there is for people to read and become involved in so they can help you.

And the better the narrative, the fewer places you have to hide, if you know what I mean.

We can't read your mind.

Larry

With the move I made and all this I have ad a lot on my mind, even though I have been constantly doing things it feels like I have done nothing.

I am sitting here tonight, thinking about my wife having to deal with this on top of taking care of the kids, house, her job and the everyday things with no help from me, to top it off today she injured her foot and has to wear a splint.

I have not mentioned it but I am 3 days away from being retired military and that has taken me away a lot before and she has been fine but she has never had the extra baggage like I left her with this time.

She told me that she would like to work it out but isn't sure she would be able to handle it.

There are a lot of threads here and I probably haven't even scratched the surface of them but tell me if I am wrong...Does it seem that a lot of the BS's are usually the ones that want to work things out or do they just stand out in my mind because that is what I want?

I should be excited about starting this new job I am starting in about 8 hours but I couldn't care less. I want to restart my life with my wife.

I know right now I can't make her do anything but how can I make her see how sorry I am for crushing her? I know I shouldn't have ever put her in this spot to begin with but I did and that can't be changed. I want to fix things and make them better than before.

I appreciate everyones input and for giving me a place to vent.

Larry, I have not called the coaching center. There are sources through the military that we are going to try now. I don't feel those are helping I know that that will probably be my next step. I am going to get a couple books, I printed a copy of the "Emotional Needs" and "Lovebusters" worksheets for us both. I left her the ones for her andtold her that I thought it would be good for her to look and and do after she has decided what her next step is. I am working on my and not waiting for her. Thanks the the article link too.

DH

There are a number of emotional issues I could address with you from your soul searching. I will only address one in this email and step back to see what others have to say.

I normally do not recommend that someone invite their spouse to this forum. I make an exception in your situation because I detect genuine remorse in you or what I believe to be genuine remorse and that changes the equation.

I will leave it to others to agree or disagree. I think we can help your wife just as I believe we can help you help yourself and help your wife.

Now, something else.


Just as I had no way of knowing you are military:

What you had no way of knowing, is that a group of military Chaplains recently approached Dr. Harley to help them develop a marriage counseling program for the military. I don't know all the details. What I have been told is that Dr. Harley took a look at the problem of long separations and had no immediate solutions.

He did start up a part of this forum for military issues. Some of the initial posts were lost due to a server problem last year. It is not used very much, but it is a resource if it ever catches on.

Keep in mind that if a group of Chaplains think Dr. Harley is spot on, he probably is. I have a lot of confidence in what Chaplains do for the troops.

Larry

Thanks Larry.

Staying up late remembering your sins and worrying, right? Right now, so am I, reviewing my sins and problems. Sleepless nights and tough days. Life is all about living and doing the best we can with the tools we have.

And learning new tools if we are smart.

It will get better DH. Read Harley in your spare time. He really does have the way out of this mess you have gotten yourself in.

I wish you well.

Larry

I haven't post in a few days because I didn't have internet but now I do and here is an update...

The wife went and spoke to a someone and I think it helped. She says now that she wants to try to work things out. That makes me very happy. I know it will be a lot of work but that is what I must do if I don't want to lose her and the kids.

The councelor recommended and different book other then Dr. Harley's. We talked and we are both going to read that one first and see what happens. I want to read these ones too.

I will be going back in about a month for training and we will be able to talk in person instead of over the phone.

As I said I know it will be tough and things will change but she talks like she thinks she is going to change completely now. She says that she can never think of me as the same person again and I understand that to a point. Does she really think that she will change so much that she will be a different person?

First of all, you are the same person, who is a different person. In other words, you have changed yourself in the areas where change was needed.

Hope that makes sense.

That gives you the chance to tell her that the parts of you she likes will hang around and the parts that she doesn't will be worked on.

Secondly, what is the title of the book the counselor recommends? Please, Harley is the guy that was designated by Military Chaplains to help them, not some other guy. Harley is the best in the business, but not all counselors know that. Marriage counseling is a very fragmented business.

Reading a relationship book is like a trip to the Dentist for most guys. We lack the words to describe our feelings, so there you go. Learn anyway. Consider it like teaching some women how to repair a car or computer. They can learn even if they don't like it.

Larry

The book is "After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful" by Janis Abrahms Spring

She wants to read it so I am too. I also ordered "Surviving An Affair" since I did the last post

I haven't read anything by Spring, so I am unable to comment. SAA is THE book, as in best seller. Reading both will help, not hurt and any differences will be obvious. Be nice to know what the differences are.

Good show DH, keep up the good work. Don't forget, we are here for you guy. This path you're walking is tough. Never hurts to have a friend walking with you.

Larry

What can I do to help give my wife hope that we can work through these terrible things I have done to her and our family?

Whenever I talk to her see does not see any good in our future. Normally I am the one who sees the negative but not this time; our roles are switched. I know we have rough times ahead but I am certain that things can be better later. There is proof with testamony from this website, from other websites, and from experts.

I tell her everyday that I am truly sorry, that I will wait as long as it takes and do whatever it takes to work through this.

Has she given up before we have even hardly started to try to repair things but just hasn't told me or are these feeling she has normal?

Hello Deerhunter,

First let me say that I am sorry that you have a need to be here but I am glad that you found MB and this forum. The information and support here are invaluable and you need all the help that you can get.

I have read the book that was recommended to your wife. There are literally hundreds of books written on healing from adultery and I have read dozens. The difference is that MB has a proven program that truly works. I wish that I had not wasted my time on anything else. However, you cannot drive the recovery bus. That is up to your BW. If she is open to it, I would try to guide her to this program and these forums.

Much MC does more harm than good. My DH and I went to several counselors who only made us wary of counselors. If you can afford it, the advice to call the Harleys is excellent and I would do it first thing tomorrow morning. I must qualify my own advice by telling you that we have not coached with the Harleys. We took several wrong paths resulting in my FWH being unwilling to go the counseling route again.

The benefit to these forums is that you can learn from the mistakes of many. Your BW can gain hope by reading here and you can find out how to make it right with her and regain her love and trust.. You are no longer alone.

God's Blessings,

Say

Thanks. I will continue to talk to her.

DH:

Read Janis Spring's book on forgiveness.

After you read that, then you can recommend it to your BS. If she reads the first one, and likes it, the forgiveness book works well.

I read it LONG after MB and the MB weekend however.

Stick around.

LG