Could this be a result of the fact that she's still coming out of withdrawal? It could be she's scared to believe these things. I think as you continue to meet her needs, she will begin to feel you love her and those words will have more meaning because they're backed up with actions. I would keep saying those words. As you repeat them to her eventually they will sink in and as you draw closer she will realize you mean them.

Also, I would definitely get in the habit of saying things like I suggested above BEFORE she gets deflated. I know it's difficult (and a phone conversation at work in an environment like work isn't the BEST place to do it) but really take the time to think about what you say and how you can best say what you mean in the most positive way. Eventually it will become second nature.

ETA: You mentioned that you waited 'til after you heard her reaction before suggesting an alternative. I know it's a DJ but in my head when DH does things like that I think he's just throwing me a sop. He doesn't really want to eat lunch (or whatever) with me, he just doesn't want to deal with me feeling bad and so he's appeasing me. (Now I really DON'T know if this is how Prisca feels, I could be way off base) (also I know that is not a helpful thing for me to think and I'm working on taking my DH at face value when these situations arise).

Wow dealing with people is rough - so much junk goin' round in our heads.... I know it's tough Markos but keep plugging away and it will get better.

Okay, since everyone at work is under the same conditions, how about not putting them ahead of your wife...focus on her and let the others hear or not hear, 'k?

Your marriage comes first. Work is part of meeting ENs in marriage.

Just like not putting your fear ahead of your love. If you truly cannot say that being with your wife, anywhere, anytime, isn't the best place you can think of...then make that your goal and tell her so, 'k?

You could have answered with radical honesty..."I fear getting written up if I took my lunch with my family today. I'd really like to do it tomorrow."

It's reasonable that you don't like being with Prisca more than anything right now...you guys haven't been safe to communicate with each other before and you're building trust in one another. It's a process.

I hear her email as "I'm lonely" as sharing with you her stuff. Not to solve or fix. Statement of feelings. Return the intimacy. "Good to know. Thank you for sharing with me. I fear failing you and failing my employer. I hate this split policy thing."

When you learn it's okay, right now, to say what you're feeling, thinking...to each other...not asking the other to solve or cure you of what is yours...then you'll understand better respectful intimacy.

Building that UA time so that she can trust you when you say you'd rather be with her than at work...or anywhere without her there...takes time.

Ask if she believed you today (not open-ended believes you when you say)...ask if her sharing her feeling of loneliness with you was asking you to cure her of it...and ask her how she feels when she read what you answered.

If you feel grateful that your wife shares with her, then share your gratitude.

Ask her if you can explore, together, what "I'm lonely" means...

could mean that

she feels bored without you right then

that you put her second place to work

she doesn't feel wanted or desired by you

she wants to be craved by you

she wants adult conversation and you're her best friend

she is focused on you and the marriage, and not herself, what's in her control...

might just mean it's cloudy outside and she feels melancholy.

It's a big statement in such a little word...neither of you can assume you know what the other means.

And I can see better now, markos, why email is most comfortable...Prisca is uncomfortable for you to talk on the phone at work and you feel very uncomfortable talking on the phone at work.

Going outside on your lunch hour to call her on your cell and talk would be a way to rebuild it...keep it to specific (during work hours when you're in the open office).

Or you can focus on her when you guys talk on the phone during work and let others mind themselves...that's acting to your highest priority, acting to where your heart is...and you can even say, "I can focus on you and enjoy our conversation for five minutes at work...after that, my fear of failing the company, misuse of paid time (whatever it is) gets the best of me and I lose my focus, not my priority."

Enthusiastic agreement...where you have connection with your wife-as-number-one, the gift of talking on the phone (not limited to email only), and the reward of her connecting to you for you...putting you first, too.

Doesn't mean it's unending time...work your way through, come up with lots of ideas....three three minute conversations per day...try out different things...weekly family lunch together (scheduled)...and be sure to share your POV when the kids are rambunctious...and maybe make sure if they are, you guys go to an outdoor place, or the park...instead of a restaurant.



You can do this...and I really think if you both would shoot emails to each other each time you felt gratitude...Presca could have sent one to you this morning saying "Thank you for taking child to doctor before work, feels like love to me."

Same for you to her..."Thank you so much for talking with me on the phone. I love your voice and appreciate you."

LA

I'm not putting them ahead of her. None of my motivations have anything to do with protecting them. It is all about protecting my job, a goal I think my wife shares.

That's probably exactly how she feels.

But there's just no connect in my head between "Would you like to go to lunch with me tomorrow instead?" and "He doesn't want to deal with me feeling bad." To me that means "I do want to deal with you feeling bad."

Again, it's probably exactly how she feels. And something I need to learn to anticipate even if I'm not wired to.

Thanks, guys, for the excellent food for thought. I am pouring over it.

Markos, yeah that whole work thing imho requires a whole attitude shift. I too work in an open office. However I view it like toilet paper, no matter how poor I am I never skimp on toilet paper so there's always one good thing going on, ya dig.

Anywho, people in my office will tell you if nothing else that when my wife calls she gets my undivided an honest attention. Sometimes they look at me funny but I think most respect it. And I don't care if the owner is sitting at my desk, if my wife calls, he's gotta wait. That way, that one good thing is always going on in my life. And personally, I'd done lunch but that's just me. I can find another job but I ain't about to look for another wife.

Just my penney's worth....

She's in fullscale withdrawal now, it looks like.

Four hours of undivided attention time yesterday, three of which were spent looking like she didn't want to be with me.

Should've spent that time working on my assignment for Steve, because it looks like I'm not going to get time to do that.

I invited her to lunch again this morning, but she says she's too busy.

Did you expect something different....lol.... Dust yourself off and start fresh my friend learning from this experience.

She's not in full scale withdrawl Markos, she just needs to sort out her feelings.

Prisca loves you. I could see that from what she has shared here.

Remember the ups & downs you described for me on another thread?

You can do this.

Yes, I expected that me telling her last night that I really did want to go to lunch with her and explaining my reasons for saying no and asking her again to go to lunch with me today (I have now asked three times: on yesterday's phone call, last night on my way home from work, and now this morning) would result in some sort of acknowledgment on her part rather than a retaliatory brush off.

Markos, I thought that we aren't supposed to have those kinds of specific expectations from our spouses. We're just supposed to clean up our side of the street thereby making the environment ripe for them to do the same.

In fact, I think I got that from you (maybe it was Mark)

Am I off base?

Well then I would simply say that you have an unrealistic expectation...... Stop hounding her about it and move on, at this point you're just picking at a scab. The bottom line is that the damage is done, she feels how she's going to feel, and you need to move on. Again, learning from the experience. You got some great tips on how to handle telling her you can't in the future.

I think you also would benifit from soul searching your phobeo about the whole office talking on the phone thing and see how you're going to handle that if it happens again....

The answer to the co-worker listening in thing could be to step away for a few minutes & use your cell as someone suggested.
Good luck Markos

Okay, so assuming I'm going to move on, what does that look like? I thought asking her to lunch today was moving on, actually.

Help -- I'm clueless!

Markos, get back to MBing, that's what move on looks like. Sounds like she took you denial to go to lunch as rejection. We all hate rejection. If I asked a hot chick to go to prom with me and she said no. I would feel rejected. If she then kept saying I'll go with you next year, that would not eleviate that feeling of rejection but simply keep reminding me that I got rejected. Do not over explain, do not hound on her like it's now some type of quest to get her to go to lunch. She is going to have to process her emotions, you can't do that for her. Learn from this so that you are equipped to handle similar situations in the future. Always be fast to listen and slow to talk.

I mean dude, you've learned a ton in a short amount of time but the trick is to remember to use it. Two steps forward, one step back, now build up some momentum and take two steps forward.

Lost, sometimes our MB logic flies out the window and our emotions get the better of us. I am speaking from direct (and embarrassing) experience.

Okay, so I get back to depositing love units. Like asking her to lunch with me.

I'm not going to hound her, and I don't see getting her to go with me as a goal.

I just want to deposit love units now and reverse this situation and it HURTS to try and get rejected.

She can talk about it if she wants, and I've told her so. She can come to lunch with me if she likes, and I've told her so. I wanted to spend time with her last night depositing love units, but that doesn't seem to have worked so well.

I guess I just wait.

But this brings me back to my old problem which I've been dealing with forever: when I wait, that's also a love bank withdrawal for her.

Well obviously she wants me to do something. She just emailed me to ask "Are you going to ignore me today?"

What do I do?

I'm tearing my heart out trying to figure out what I can do for her, and to her it's ignoring her.

Were you inviting her to lunch before this whole thing blew up?

But seriously, y'all were in a pattern of cycling and here we are again. Only now you've learned a lot more and have more tools at your leisure. Actively Listen to her. If you are ignoring her because you think she's going to be mad then stop ignoring her. I don't know your wife or fully how she deals with these things but I know that my wife wants normalcy after a blow-up. So if she's use to hearing from me and use to me being a sweetie-pie, that is what she wants.

And PS..... If you have a 5 buck Friday Florist, today is a great day for flowers....lol....