What, be specific, did you say to OW in an email 3 weeks ago?
What, be specific, did OW email to you Saturday?
You can even copy/paste here (be SURE to remove all real names first)

We can better assess the damage, if we know specifically what recently transpired.




What did you email OW about after your confession to your wife?
BE SPECIFIC.
Did you warn OW that your wife might contact OW, or her H?


Is this a typo?
Did you mean to write that your wife HAS all your passwords?

I have concerns you might have done some REALLY BAD damage with your recent emails.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?

Still foggy, do you think?

Deerhunter,
Everything already said here already is so accurate. Only the truly repentant and the truly tough can make it through R. You�re one of the lucky waywards because your BS says she can�t live without you; translated, that means that she still loves you. That also means that she is really messed up right now�both physically and mentally. (I remember telling my IC that it felt as if some horrible, painful and numbing sensation started in my brain and radiated down through the core of my body.)

Be prepared for all the questions she will have about what you did, where you did it, what you said, and what you thought; AND NEVER respond with �I can�t remember.� We all know WSs just don�t want to tell all for fear of hurting the spouse more and/or for fear of looking even worse. You�ve been lying to her for six months when she suspected something; and it�s going to take years and years of telling the absolute truth and being absolutely transparent about the past, present, and future to even get back to a point at which she �kinda� believes you. Once we BS�s know there was an affair, suddenly we are spot-on with our suspicions. Tell her all the truth that she asks for; she�ll never start to heal if you try to spare her with the smallest of lies. Oh, and by the way, she�ll ask you the same questions over and over even when you�ve told her the truth because for the first six months or so, her brain is so warped from the trauma that she won�t trust her memory. Somewhere down the road, Dr. Harley will advise that you stop discussing the affair. Give her all the truth now because she may be able to follow his sage advice,; but unanswered questions will stymie her personal recovery and reverberate in her mind for years to come.

If possible, call her and/or text her all during the day when you are at work. Tell her where you are, what you are doing, and that you love her. (My own FWH never leaves his office that he doesn�t touch base with me about his whereabouts. He doesn�t act as if this is an imposition. I know that he just wants to reassure me.) During this R, the only time you should be away from your spouse is when you are at work. Otherwise, you need to be right by her side night and day.
Either purchase a GPS system and give the tracking information to your wife or activate the Google tracking on your phone for her to check on you when you are not with her. This is my husband�s input into this posting, and he says that you should not offer to do this; you should do it and then tell her how to access the information. Do it with love because you have nothing you wish to hide.

Take a weekend away together ASAP just so you can spend quality time with her away from the everyday chores of home and from family. Walk the streets in a new locale, hold her hand, look in her eyes, tell her how happy you are now, and take your cues from her as to SF. The hysterical bonding through SF can be wonderful at this time, but you also must be prepared that she�ll mentally �leave you� at the oddest moments because her mind will never be very far away from the betrayal. Be patient and be loving.

You�ve damaged the most important relationship in your life (and I think you know that) so it�s now time for you to man-up and do the heavy lifting in this mountainous struggle we call recovery. There will be times that with all you do, you�ll be discouraged that she is so depressed or angry or detached. You put her on this never-ending ride, and it�s up to you to give her �one-day-at-a-time� support until she realizes that she�s better able to cope with the new reality.

Anything I�ve shared is what I can in retrospect see that my FWH instinctively knew he had to do because he loves me. His mantra is now �Never be the source of anymore pain for Goldenyears.� We�re not fully recovered; there are still many, many triggers for me; and he is guilt-ridden. However, we have each other , and we console and love each other every day.
Call Steve Harley to get phone counseling. I was dubious about its effectiveness, but it was money well spent. Go to a Marriage Builders Weekend; it is costly, but so is a broken life and marriage.

God bless you and your wife.

Goldenyears

Well said, goldenyears.
Good to see you still here.

RWH

RHW,
I sometimes feel compelled to pass on something I've learned just as you did to help me so much about 13 months ago.

GY

Thanks all, I have read your posts and and stirring them around in my head. I am busy right now but will reply to the questions later today.

Last night I told my wife about this website and this thread. I just sent her the links to both. I am not sure if she will follow this one but I hope she will find some useful info here as I have.

I believe that the consensus here is that spouses should stay off of eachother's threads. There will be times where posters will say some harsh things(we call them 2x4) and a spouse may see the need to defend their spouse. This doesn't help the spouse. There will also be times that if your DW decides to post that we would tell her to do things that would have a lesser effect if you know about it.

Other than that, keep listening and thinking about what people are telling you on here.

All the above advice is SPOT ON. (great job, posters)

The only thing I can add for you to show is summed up in one word. Something I never got.


.....humility.

I guess I did the quote thing wrong. This is my reply to black raven

The OW is not married but knoew I was.

Yes she know about the contact, I sent a quick note that said "Just wondering how you are doing. Miss you." the OW replied "I'm fine" Sat. night I sent her a last email that said something like...My wife knows about us, she may or may not be contacting you...I said nothing more and deleted the email. That was while I was in a high degree of stress after getting kicked out of the house. That was also before I had read any of this and I didn't know what to do. I see know that I should have gone about that differently.

Last night I told my wife that I had done that and told her that I will send another email with some of the canned letters I have seen on here. I told her she can see it before I send it. She told me she didn't want to.

I am going to send it and show her it but should I give her another chance to see it before I do?

[/quote]

Pepperband,

I know I have made mistakes in how I have handled this so far. I think I have answered your questions in the above post other then, yes it should have been has passwords not was.

Last question for you to ponder before I get some work done.

I am in the middle of transitioning to a new career. This is how close.

I got hired for a job in another state. I start Monday. Our previous plan was for her to come after the school year is over. All of this was already in the works prior to this past weekend and no of course in limbo.

I told her that I would forgo going to the new job and stay in the area so that we can work this out. She told me not to do that, that she thought the seperation would be good for us for a while.

I know that all the answers are most likely that if this is important to me I would just do it and not ask her but I want to give it a shot anyway.

Since this is early on, I would draft a NC letter ASAP and send to OW. It may not help your BW today but in the future it may be a relief to her that you sent it and were clear about NC instead of having her wondering what you said and how you said it. Don't let more time pass before you do this as you want NC in place ASAP to close that door. Post the letter here. Nothing sappy about missing you or anything. Once the letter/email is sent do NOT delete it. Keep a copy.

When you say forgo the new job, do you mean you can postpone physically going there or would have to give it up all together? Time away is generally not good but I wouldn't chuck it out the window just yet. How would this separation work for the next two months? Will this move put you further away or closer to OW? Is your BW leaving her support system behind or going to have no family/friends in the new state?

I will do a letter and post it before I send it (names not included).

I told my BW that I would see if I could postpone it, if not I would give it up completely. I will be a 10 hr drive away and had already planned on coming back on a couple weekends or we had discussed meeting half way. I will be back here for 2-3 weeks for some additional training for my new job the first part of May.

If I go to the new job and this works out I will be able to provide a comfortable life for my family. If I stay I could probably find something eventually but not right away, I'm sure that would add unneeded stress.

The OW is on the other side of the ocean, so it makes it no further or closer.

BW has friends here but also has friends in the new state, we are going back to the state in which we meet and were there for several years. Her family is 12 hours away now but would be 2 from there.

I must restate that she has not made up her mind if she even wants to work things out. I am just get do what I can now to help her make the right choice that will be best for her.

You cannot work on your marriage if you are ten hours away.

As a BS, my spouse left for a week, and it was great for me. I knew she had no contact with OM because her sister took away all rights to computer, car, and phone. I took advantage of the situation, and worked on myself. I liked having no tension in the house, and I was able to get together a good plan to work on our marriage. It gave me time to prepare for what is comming up.

I would say take the job, move out, but don't even think of contacting OW. Give your BW time to think, feel, and plan on what she wants. You can still call and talk for a couple hours a night, but you will miss out on many other ENs. Let her continue to snoop on you, and keep your relationship open, even though it is long distance. Let her look at your emails, phone records, or some texts to prove you can be trusted. She is crushed right now, and will be for some time. If she says take the job, I would do it. Perhaps FS is one of her ENs and doing this will fulfill her EN.

This job move complicates things--even MORE reason to make a phone appointment with Steve Harley. It'll cost you $195 for an hour, and he starts sessions as early as 6 or 7 am Central Time.

You need a PRO, man.

DH71

You write the canned letter. Give it to HER to send when she is ready to send it. Be as humble in the letter as you can possibly manage. As you have been told, your mantra for some time dealing with your wife is going to be, humility.

That should be easy for you since I must note your attitude posting here has been very humble. That will get the attention of your wife just as it has those on here who are reading your narrative and posting to you.

Trust me, the slings and arrows and two x fours sent your way have been far less than what we all have seen administered upon the hapless heads of waywards who wandered into this forum and did so with "Attitude," and guilt shifting. Reading back through the posts to you, I can easily see you are getting the best of the best in terms of advice and observations.

Book a session with Steve or Jennifer, please. Please do so ASAP. Because of the move, I think you need their professional touch and custom plan. It would put your wife much closer to her family. And it takes you back to where the two of you met and courted. That is a very good thing. But there are downsides to the move as well. I certainly would not advise for or against, it is too complex for my amateur brain. I can see the benefits both ways.

Finally, just tell you wife how much you have learned, yet there is even more for the betrayed spouse here and ask her to think about the support she will find with us. Don't pressure her, but do emphasize the benefits.

Please call the coaching center, please

Larry

Here is the can letter I found someplace on this site with a minor change for my situation. I have not showed it to BS yet.


*****, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never talk, email, or chat with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that ***** did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay ***** for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, *****

Thoughts? Suggestions?