oh ok, that is a fault state where do they do take adultery into consideration. Your wife's adultery very much compromises the childs welfare in that it reflects a reckless and impaired judgment. You would want to file on grounds of adultery and have her adultery partners called into court to testify under oath about their adultery with your wife. Let her know you will be doing this.

The problem she is going to have is that Oklahoma - generally speaking - has not been retarded by moral relativism yet. Adultery in Oklahoma is not going to go over well.

This speaks to her reckless, irresponsible behavior. I would very much demand that she never take her children around her adultery partners and would get this put in your divorce papers.

Apparently she has found quite a large circle where adultery is perfectly fine as long as you are unhappy.

Instead of talking divorce, I would instead talk of legal separation. This would show her that you still are standing for marriage, but at the same time will let her know what it is like to actually be divorced, like a "trial separation." Aren't you the primary custodial parent? Haven't you been documenting who takes the kids to the doctor, watches them, picks them up, etc? Can you get her parents to testify in your behalf in a custody hearing? IF you can get her removed from the house and get PRIMARY custody, you will be in a better position to knock her out of the fog. I would retain a lawyer and devise a strategy going forward to accomplish your goals. Maybe you shouldn't talk about separating yet today, but maybe you should get your ducks lined up first.

As for divorce, your WW does not seem like the type to go through with anything. If you are going to divorce, you are going to have to be the one to move things along. She'll just go through the motions and sign the required papers. She won't drive anything. Luckily, it will help keep you in control of the situation, and you can move things along at your pace.

Well, I told her that I have tried the best I could the last many months (to change, acquiesce, forgive). But she was very clearly not wanting to commit.

So I said I think it is best if you leave and start supporting yourself.

She was absolutely shocked. She did say that she would fight for the kids.

I tried to keep it positive. She started talking about the relationship. She said something in her has died and she feels trapped. I said I absolutely believe there is a way out of it. Two years ago, I didn't think I could ever feel this way about you. Time heals wounds, changes us, especially if we try.

I said I cherish the boys sleeping in the same bed with me. I wouldnt want anyone else to share that joy. No matter who else is out there, there will never be anyone I can relate to in talking with about the miracle of our youngest son's survival during birth.

Told her I still believed in marriage but couldn't continue this way and that it frustrated me that I absolutely believe there is a path forward, especially with God's help. But if she didn't want to do anything constructive then she should leave.

She left saying I need to drive around and think about some things.

Asking her to leave really hurt.

ark, that was good first run, but a little TEPID. I would try and be a little more FIRM and a little more heavy on the CONSEQUENCES. The consequence is going to be DIVORCE. An ugly one where you haul in her adultery partners to testify about their adultery so you can get full custody.

The time for bush beating and niceness is over. She needs to have no illusions about your seriousness. Thoughtful requests are not going to avail you anything.

yeah, I felt that way too after it was over.

Odd, that was the only conversation I've had with her in months where she has been nice and showed any emotion (other than anger). I guess that's what threw me.

I'm sure she probably is on the phone with another wayward friend of hers who will get her riled up at me.

I don't think she ever saw that coming.

She is shocked because you have trained her to be an entitlement minded tyrant. She does not believe you will ever do anything to stop her.


Tell her you are not trapping her, you are opening the door and asking her to leave. When she comes back, tell her you don't want to be with someone who is trapped and ask her to leave. Tell her you will her 2 weeks to find some new digs.


Her abusive behavior has hurt you worse. I would have plan, ark. When she comes back, ask her to be out in 2 weeks. And please bring up DIVORCE. She needs a very CLEAR CONCISE vision of where her abusive actions are leading her: DIVORCE FILED ON GROUNDS OF ADULTERY.

As it is now, she doesn't believe you will do anything to stop her abuse. You have to be CLEAR to disabuse her of that notion. Divorce is "NEGATIVE" and there is no way to frame it "positively."

A wayward person needs clear, concise, FIRM direction or they will not take you seriously. Just keep that in mind when you speak to her. Be respectful, but be STRAIGHTFORWARD and FIRM. Pretend like you are a Texan, ok?

OK, that is what I've struggled with a bit. In our marriage she said I was always too firm, too direct, too "controlling". Too much of a military person.

So I've spent the last several months toning that down. Trying to find a happy medium?

She did ask if I wanted her out tonight, so she is thinking it will be soon.

Pretend to be like a Texan? That's too easy (insert joke here).

Oh Lawdy, Lawdy...Now I have this visual of Ark~~~>

I thought we told the man to remain CALM - Pretend to be a Texan, indeed...

Mrs. W

Ark...

ALL wayward wives pull that "controlling" baloney - ignore that...You are the LEADER of your family - LEAD...Do not let her scare you into submission anymore...

Mrs. W

This occasion does not call for a "happy medium" but calls for forthright firmess. You are dealing with an entitled WAYWARD and taht is all they respond to. Thoughtful requests will avail you nothing, ark.




What did you say? I wish you had said YES. That would have been ideal.

shaddup, MrsW!!

Much as I hate to say it to you Ark, my bet on the phone call is OM...

Mrs. W

Maybe, but that doesn't matter anymore, right???
You probably are right. She went to her work...which is where she can call from undetected.

Good start, but you need to be firmer. You make it clear that you will be fighting for primary custody of the children and unless she will commit to the marriage, you won't have any contact with her for life. She's either your wife or nothing to you.

Well you live in a fault state - I should think anything along those lines that you can prove would be favorable to your side should it come to that...

Mrs. W

You've snooped every other avenue that you have though, right? And you've been documenting EVERYTHING, yes?

Mrs. W

Of course it hurt, ark. You love her.

On the other hand, she is hurting you every day. And appears to not give it a second thought.

Better the pain of a single moment than the pain of a thousand lifetimes.

The pain you felt is the beginning of your healing. You can -- you WILL -- heal from this, if you allow yourself.

CrushedJim has the signature of day, as far as I'm concerned. I have appropriated it for my screensaver:

Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable and remove yourself from the unacceptable.