Like others said, he will be on the hook for 1/2 of the Marital Debt unless y'all come up with some other solution in mediation. And yes, you having an income will be a factor in how the establish child support. If he was unemployed for 2.5 months last year then it's very important that you try to get the past two years worth of W-2's, if you can't get them, that's ok because your lawyer will request that his lawyer provide that information. His side would likely try to take that 9.5 months worth of money and state that as his yearly salary, but if you have a bulldog atty, that can be overcame. Basically what they do in Kansas is put what each party makes down on a worksheet that establishes the joint standard of living. Based upon that standard of living they determine what is spent on an average child from a household with that income. Then it's split out based on percentages of income with consideration to who pays for the insurance. Further, a percentage of liability is arrived at to cover uncovered medical/dental expenses.

As an example, I make around 65k, my eX makes around 35k so our standard of living is that of a family making 100k. Going by proportions I should contribute like 650/per month per child and she should contribute like 350, however I also pay approx 100 per month/per child for health care. Since she is the residentual parent I pay her around 550 per month per child and am responsible for 64.7% of all unpaid medical/dental.

As far as marital debt, we divorced back in '01 and did all of that through mediation. But in the end I took more of the debt but kept more of the assets.

With all this D talk, I just want to point out, your WH might not pursue this if you can find out who OW is and let exposure kill the affair. Since your WH is being SOOO secretive, I have to believe that he knows exposure will kill the affair. He's trying to get divorced before he is found out, so it seems like their relationship started out "legitimately." Look at work. That would be my first guess.

Thank you all for this info! Bill, I am praying that I have a bulldog lawyer...I guess I'll find out on Thursday!

And Jim, I am actually thinking more about work now, too (for the OW). He very abruptly (without talking to me) quit his job in Nov. and said he was unhappy there.

Then, the day after he told me he wanted a separation, he very suddenly took back the job he was supposedly so miserable in (giving up a very good govt. job offer he had that he was supposed to start in a few days, and which paid nearly $20,000 more)!!!

I wish I could be confident he wasn't on here reading....I could tell more about some of my suspicious, but I'll hold off for now.

Again, thanks so much for the input!

My WH pulled that crap. He quit his good govt job so that he could show in court no income. Now he can go live off OW. It should be lots of fun for them until the money is gone

That is truly low. Yuck.

The fact that he quit then got back his job leads me to believe that he's having the affair with either someone he works with or one of his patients. The "time off" was for the other party to disappear so there would be no link to him.

And yes about splitting the debt BUT... start snooping to see if you can find "non communal" debt like funds he spent on OW. Check out all the credit card statements BEFORE he takes you off accounts. Believe me -- my eyes were opened big time by how much WH spent on jewelry, clothing, cars, hotels, restaurants, etc. WHILE we were still married. Non-communal debt will NOT be split... it will go directly to his side of the ledger!

Check into joint lines of credit and if you don't need the funds get them frozen so he can't access them. If you anticipate needing them for lawyer fees then take a chunk before freezing them. You need a warchest to fight a wayward.

And I doubt he can just say "I'm giving you $400" without your attorneys agreeing or a judge approving.

Thank you Holyheart. Unfortunately, he had one-up on me as far as taking all of the 'evidence'. I was away having surgery the day after he told me he wanted a separation, so he had a lot of time to get his things together while I was gone(including taking the computer, bills and changing passwords). We didn't have joint bank accounts or credit cards, which is probably a good thing. Come to think of it, it had been quite a while since I had seen a credit card statement of his (maybe a few months).

Sneaky jerk. He probably learned a trick or two listening to other couples go through this while he offered tainted advice.

As for evidence, you might be surprised what you can dig up. Try running a credit report on him. There's a free one on line -- I think it's freecreditreport.com. Don't subscribe to anything or purchase additional services -- you just want the free report. Then answer the questions as if you are your husband. Enter his birthdate and SS#. It will ask questions like your mortgage company or previous address. Answer these as though you are him. When you pass, you will get a report for all accounts affiliated with him -- bank accounts, credit cards, lines of credit, etc. It will show balances and info. as to if bills are paid on time.

With this information, I was able to access WHs INDIVIDUAL credit card accounts. With the account number, I was able to phone the credit card company, input the account number, add WHs zip code and HEAR all transactions. This is how I learned of the funds spent on OW.

Since you were married, whether or not a credit card was in your name or his, you should still try to find out if he used money on OW. HIS money is YOUR money while you are married.

Just don't give up trying to find ammo. You will need it.

freecreditreport.com requires that you enroll in a credit monitoring program.

The actual free credit report is through
annualcreditreport.com.

It's a sneaky marketing ploy.

Thanks, JT. And you can get reports from three different companies all from this site. I caution you about getting all three at once since you can only access from each company once a year.

So try to get one now, then wait a few months and use another company, then wait a few months for the last one.

Think of it this way -- knowledge is power. You HAVE to know what WHs been up to.

Jill, also your attourney should talk to you about "discovery" he can request statuses of all credit cards with statements, retirement account, and basically anything else financially related....

Update:

I went to my lawyer yesterday and he said "It sounds like your H wants to play bachelor for a while and have his cake and eat it, too". So he totally got it. He rec. hitting back hard and not messing around with the Legal Separation (as my H filed for) but shooting back with the D. I told him I wanted to make it as uncomfortable for him as possible. What do you all think?

I asked my H how long he'd been planning this (leaving) and he said, "I wasn't planning it but I was wrestling with it for probably a year and took steps in event either of us got to that point. And then that night (the night I found the FB mssg.) I knew I had no choice. And I'm horribly sorry about the timing and extra damage of that".

Does this mean he's been having his affair for over a year??? Or is this just his fogged mind?

Also, I saw him last night and almost laughed out loud....he has dyed his hair!!!! Is there a thread where we compare wayward spouses and see who's WS has displayed the most signs of a cheating spouse???? My H just might win!

Of course I say that about the D and the dyed hair lightheartedly, but I failed to mention the part where I came home and literally stayed up all night crying last night.

This is so painful.

Get the PI, find out who OW is, get it exposed, and take the weight off of his chest. He knows what he is doing is wrong, but he can't stop himself. He needs this affair to be discovered so you can kill it for him.

I am NOT going to tell you that in time it will get better, because that used to drive me CRAZY. I just wanted to feel what I was feeling. So get it out. Do you write a journal? I have found that it is very effective to write what I am feeling, even if noone will read it.

((((Jill)))), I understand it's painful, unfortunately I have experience in that area. And honestly, my xWS is still Foggy 9 years later, as a matter of fact I just got a self-centered, self-entitled, venom filled e-mail from her this morning which made me LOL.... I've said it before and I'll say it again, some people just don't get it and the sad/funny thing is that they don't even get what they don't get......

Anywho, if your atty says hit hard, then I'd follow that advice. Heck the fees are probably about the same. And just so you know, it's my experience that 97.3% of couples DO NOT DIVORCE AS FRIENDS. It's not a friendly transaction and friends do not do what has been done to each other to bring us to the place in life.

Good advice, LH

JM you should read ladylonglegs thread. I agree divorce is not a friendly transcaction, your best bet is a strong position, if you plan on doing this now.

Good Luck to you.

took steps = screw BS over

Which means that you need to figure out if he has transferred any money into hidden assets, etc.

Well, Happy 40th Birthday to me. As if being dumped on the day I had surgery wasn't bad enough, it was also right when I turned 40. Ugh.

I'm having moments of panicking about what I'm doing with the lawyer. Is hitting back with the D the right thing? Is it too soon? Should I be fighting harder for my marriage, or is this the right step toward trying to snap him out of his fantasy world?

I don't even know for sure who/what exactly is going on in my marriage yet.

I'm so confused.