Tom -

Why don't you have it in writing that she cannot leave with anyone?

Threatening to cancel her insurance seems very harsh to me.

I have found an age-related site that seems to be good. Alot different from the Harly prnciples, but I realize that my situation is so different from most here.

When I ranted inappropriately a couple of weeks ago it was not that i even desrved a response, it was because I realize now I am in a totally different situation than is probably common here.

Tom

Tom with all due respect I think you need to settle down. Try to understand that people in nursing homes have almost zero control over anything. She's lucky to have you taking her out and buying clothes and visiting her, she is. But even with that an opportunity to go out for ice cream can't be passed up. Was the male friend the OM? --- was it that man that was hitting on her?
I also think it's noteworthy that she was comfortable not lying to you. From there, I believe MB principles would dictate that you simply let her know how you truly feel about the situation-- without lovebusters, Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgements. Did you let her know you feel threatened by the situation, and you don't want to lose her??

I really don't feel like you've given MB basic concepts a chance, Tom. Maybe I'm wrong, but you seem to be trying to glean to much info from the threads alone. Have you read Falling in Love, Staying in Love? How long have you been here; a month or two - and you've decided to go to another site. I'm not a salesman for MB, but I don't think you need another site. Try dumping the LB's first (like not answering the phone - Independent Behavior).

~opt

Hi believer,

I realize that for the past month and half I've been bouncing pillar and post and more reacting to her situation than in being positive and proactive.

No, I wouldn't ever cancel her insurance or anything like that...sorry to say it was my initial reaction after I finally god hold of her on phone. Also, unless I am her guardian, which there is no need of, or the person is deemed a threat or not fit, she can come and go as she pleaes as long as her counselor gives her a pass.

Last evening I did talk to her and confided to her my fears and sensitivity about this. I just needed later Wed night during day yesterday at least to take a break from this. We had a good talk and I will take her out this Sunday. After I talked with her last night I wrote the poem, and I felt alot better. Today she is at the dentist (son is taking her).

I just have to admit, this is much much harder than I thought it would be.

Thanks.

Tom

Hi Optimism, and thanks.

Ya know you are right. I have read most of the basic concepts here, and yes I have spent maybe an inordinate amount of time trying to learn from the posts. They really have helped, but I realize they alone are not enough. I have not read any of the books yet including FIL,SIL.

I have realized that this situation is like complicated and challenging. Everyone's situation is unique, I feel mine is different, and I have been trying to sort that out. The most pressing need is to get her to a different place where she has more freedom. That is what we are working on, but she will need a lot of recommendations to do so, and I feel eventually that will happen. She is in the behavioral unit of this nursing home, and obviously is extremely unhappy there. She is very unhappy, as am I, with the prospect of us having to living apart until I do retire. In the meantime I have to stay where I am. If I combine these things with the fact that she was fearful and resented me last fall when she shut down our relationship then I am now starting to understand. This has taken awhile tho. I can't remember when exactly I started here Opt. - I believe it was sometime in late January or early Feb. Earlier on, the major thing that she complianed about to me was that she felt like I and rest of family didn't move fast enough. At first I didn't react that well to her feeling about that. We had 32 days to place her and we just ran out of time despite our efforts. I feel I am getting more undertanding now of her real feelings as she expresses them, and trying to be much more silent and just simply supportive.

No the other guy is another resident there and about our age. The OM is long gone, except he does come to visit once in while..not her but a few others there. The incident with the other person "hit" on her recently was different - he is younger, there because of no other placement I guess and mental illness. She did take my advice and reported him the other day as sexual harrassment. He had been trying to get friendly but also made inappropriate comments to her, such as 'I can enjoy sex with someone 60 as much as someone 30'.

I have looked at a couple of other sites, but in all honestly there isn't anything as complete and expansive and as supportive as this one.

Thanks Opt.,

Tom

You're very welcome my good sir.
Thanks for answering my questions, and I'm glad you see my point. It sounds like you have a good handle based on the lastest post there.
Thanks for the prayers, Tom. They do help.
opt