I can't thank you all enough.
I so appreciate that I can jot down a few thoughts here and receive such thoughtful, considerate comments & support from people who have experienced similar situations. The beauty of it is that we're not afraid to differ in opinion or interpretation (I've received plenty of 2x4's in my day) -- that makes the positive reinforcement so much more sincere and valuable.

After the kids spent time with the family, they headed home. DD10 wanted to come here with me and NG, DS15 chose to stay with his mom for the night.

Thanks again and Merry Christmas to you and those close to you.

opt

Fred you are a class act. Thank you so much for your words. I can admit here among friends that just when I thought I was done crying for the day, I read your post and shed a few more of sheer gratitude.

We're all lucky to have you Fred.

Opt

Thanks Kirb. On Tuesday the teacher had DD10's class write Christmas letters to anyone they wanted. DD10 wrote to Pop-pop; she didn't know he was gone. "Dear Pop-pop, if you're still here to read this...."
Heart wrenching and poignant and innocent and sweet...kids are truly the essence of the holy spirit I think.
opt

Limb! thanks so much for checking in. DS 15 was a perfect gentleman, showing class and dignity; I was proud of him. He was the only grandchild for quite some time, and was showered attention from Pop-pop. He taught my kid some important lessons at an early age. I'll always be grateful for the relationship they had.
DD10 handled herself with uncanny grace and elegance.

Instead of running to lawyers, this country should have mandatory informationists for waywards and people who think they're "not happy" in their marriage. One section of the course could go over what this type of situation looks like, compared with what it SHOULD look like. (another on the financial impact).

I've met many couples in my work who have been married 30, 40, 50 years. That generation was so much less short-sighted. I realize they may not have been blissfully happy every year of their marriages. But there were some things they definitely did right and wisely.

opt

SC, thanks so much for your warmth and prayers. It means a lot to me. My faith (which I reconnected with when things started going crazy), has carried me through much and guided me. I hope my kids can learn form me what I picked up from watching my Father, who always handled things like this with class and strength.

NG has been incredible. We go to church together a lot anyway but she was very understanding and supportive with all this - to me and the kids. She is a good egg.

thanks again and Merry Christmas!

opt

Opt - my condolences on the loss. I went through a similar experience in Oct when my MIL passed away. I went to the funeral only because of my kids. It was tough - I know how you must have felt.

I love your idea (above) but doubt it would do a lot of good in your experience, nor mine. I've been concerned about our kids generation being brought up as 'entitlists' (ok, no such word - I made it up. What I mean is people who believe that they are entitled to everything good, including the perfect spouse). I'm beginning to think I missed it by a generation - our 'wives' are good examples of 'entitlists'. Since we were not the perfect husbands, they were 'not happy' in their marriages so took the easiest path out.

Wonder how that's gonna work out?

It is the 2 year anniversary of the day my now-exWW moved out of our home. June would be our first court date, and we would be divorced in September.

I've been "on my own" in most respects for 2 years. I really don't have much of an update, but I tend to make something of the mile-stones. It's just my nature I guess.

I will say that I suppose in D every once in a while you can expect to have an experience with the ex which would make you think "I can't believe I divorced that person" or on the contrary "I can see why I divorced that person."

For me I had an experience this week to the latter.
We were talking about upcoming vacations and making arrangements for the kids. (I'm going with NG to her brother's in Florida at the end of the month).
exWW took the opportunity to bring up 2 things: "Is DS's confirmation really on Mother's Day?" and "I'm thinking of going away with my girlfriend for a Mom's weekend at that time" (implying I'll have the kids for Mother's Day)

--Point: DS's confirmation is obviously one of the most significant days in his spiritual journey. It happens once. Mother's Day or not. I found the comment a little off-putting, and offensive of my religious convictions. But, whatever. So the MD weekend thing: I was always amazed in 15 years of marriage, that I wanted nothing but to be with my kids on Father's Day, but she wanted nothing but to be SANS kids on Mother's Day. It baffled my mind. Now even more so, as she only has them half the time.

Sounds like a rant, but I actually have a higher point.

I have considered my Divorce as one of the biggest failures in my life. I failed me, my family, and mostly my kids. I consider it an indication of serious character issues that needed to be addressed and I've been trying to do so for going on 3.5 years now since all this mess started.
On the contrary, my Divorce Partner seems to have changed very little. The Mom she's going away with has been around since the beginning. She still wants to dump the kids on Mother's Day. She has been going to church (for Lent), but still has the nerve to denigrate my son's religious event.

I feel like if I hadn't gotten divorced, I'd still be dealing with the same person. Meanwhile she would be getting the undeserved benefit of someone who has recognized faults, taken responsibility, and made necessary changes. I would rather spend the rest of my life with someone more like myself.

opt

It's that inherent selfishness that was there in pre-A marriage, and has been exponentially blown-up by her waywardness after her affair.

Let the failures of your marriage lay where they need, on an unrepentant wayward.

Her religion is just that for show. She is still an unrepentant wayturd ... hence until she does the work to correct her mistakes and make amends her walk with Christ will be nothing.

Expect her to continue to decline into her selfish, entitled self as time continues.

The best you can do is work to show your children how "True and Proper Care" works. The goal is to demonstrate to them how selfishness erodes the foundation of everything you do in your life. You can't get far on selfishness, and you can't do much with your life being selfish.

ITA with PI. My dh and I agree that selishness is at the root of most marital problems. Sometimes it is ignorance, but even refusing to become educated is a form of selfishness.

Opt, this is my weekend with my son (and dh with his boys)...yesterday we spent the day at a religious event...and last night XH sends me a message asking to have ds today to take him to a gun show out of town where XH is meeting up with his highly dysfunctional brother. I didn't come right out and say no....but I asked him if he thought it was wise to feed a gun obsession in a kid who has recently been suicidal. He said he guessed not, but that ds had not seen this uncle in over a year. And that he just wanted to see ds...do something with him. I bit my tongue so hard to not say, 'well, YOU caused this.' Or, 'well, if you wanted to spend the day with him you could have come to the religous event ds was at yesterday.' Or if you REALLY wanted to spend the day with him or if your brother REALLY wanted to see him, then pick something that is FOR ds, NOT just a convenient way to get together.

When I compare my XH to my dh....and the hoops dh jumps through to see his boys that were RIPPED away from him by a very selfish XW I just feel so angry.

PI. hope you and your children are doing well. I miss hearing your journey.

Being a bit harsh on yourself, aren't you my friend?

I consider my failed marriage a major failure also, but I think of it as 'we' (WW and me) failed, not just I. Wouldn't you agree that your ex had a whole hell of a lot to do with the events that led to the divorce?

I have read over and over on this site that couples share the blame 50/50 for marriages getting to the point where something goes wrong - an affair is one of those things for sure. BUT, remember, you had nothing to do with your ex having affairs, and that's what really led to the divorce, no?

You're a good man, Opt. Please don't think you have failed your family, your kids, and most of all yourself. You haven't.

Linus

Thanks Linus. I meant to get back to you earlier. You are encouraging and I appreciate that.
I tend to be harsh on myself, yes I know. I also understand I have been able to turn things around a lot in the last few years and for that I'm grateful to have the support and a few lucky breaks that have come my way.

The point, I'm sure you got, was that I just don't understand how 2 years later the ex could be continuing to engage in the same behaviors, same people, same everything. I hurt for my kids - I want them to be exposed to better. Like Scotty said to another poster (apparently a ww) today "why would you want to be friends with someone who helped you destroy your life?" -- exWW is doing just that and it frustrates me. I know I have it easy compared to many/most here, I was just voicing some consternation. exWW has, admittedly, apparently grown up a little, but it's just that I considered D to be such a monumental situation, it seems that tearing down the structure and starting over from the ground up is the only course of action. LIke your ex, Linus, the epidemic of Divorce evidently took hold of her at some point -- he parents both happily divorced; the pursuit of happiness in spite of the destruction it causes to others is totally justified to some.

opt