My kids are with me tonight through Sunday. It's glorius. Even when they argue. I love them so much. One nice thing about D (well, separation at least) is what was said to me by someone a while back: I'm able to develop my own parenting style. I can see that already. There's so much less tension with just me minding them by myself.

I'm sad that they will not be given an opportunity to see how a true loving marriage partnership based on strong principles works; at least with me as half of that equation, and at least not for quite a while. I would love to be able to model that for them some day.

We'll settle into routines I'm sure, and I will continue to hold their behavior to a high standard (and give them an example to follow). For now, I just feel like spoiling them rotten!

~opt

It's too bad more parents don't think this way. I think many parents separate and get divorced with no thought at all on how it changes the model that the kids will follow. It seems as if so many kids today have easily accepted the fact the Mom and Dad live in 2 different places with different people. They think it's okay, and they really shouldn't think it's okay.

The next generation sees less and less of the true family structure where Mom and Dad live together and love each other and raise the kids together and pay the mortgage together and buy the groceries together and help the kids with homework together and help the kids with their own struggles as they grow up, and that's sad.

Spoken like a true Dad Just give them as much love as you can, opt. They will be fine and you will be fine.

What's your custody arrangement, Opt? I always wonder what the next generation is going to be like as adults as so many of them will have come from broken homes. It used to be just the odd kid but now they are commonplace. I wonder if any of them will recognize a healthy relationship when they see it.

Thanks Tab for your thoughts.
Our current Separation Agreement (which is subject to court's approval - no court date yet but should get one soon) states I take them from Wednesday after school (0230-- I learned that from Limbo) to Saturday at 0230; and until every other Sunday till 0230. This was a schedule I devised and ww went for it. It's joint custody physical and legal - 50/50.

It seems like a good arrangement and I consider myself lucky to get it knowing some of the raw deals I've heard about out there. Having said that, though, I still feel like my kids are being taken away from me half the time.

~opt

Sad isn't it?
Unfortunately kids (and adults) are getting their messages from Hollywood where there is apparently no effort needed for a 'happily ever after' kind of romance - it just happens by the grace of God and evidently a whole lot of physical attraction.

@Linus:
Thanks Linus. Your encouragment means a lot to me.

~opt

What??? Opt, what are you saying? Are you telling me that life really isn't like 'Desperate Housewifes'? I'm SHOCKED!

I don't have much of an "update," but one week since my last post here, today was our 15th anniversary.
I have no idea how to describe the day or the feelings that went along with it. Sadness, regret. Acknowledgement of the little mistakes that happened over and over and over for 15 years. Recognizing the ignorance of what a true marriage is supposed to look like, and how far away from that we've been all these years.

I was hoping our court date would have been before this date (or on it). Now we're limping into the 16th year - a clean break before the anniversary would have suited my organizational style a little more tidy. Oh well.

opt
ps, yes, we got married on "tax day," lol.

Opt,

to you, my friend......

Yeah, those little trigger dates suck.....I feel for ya...

Hope you are keeping as far away from WW as possible....

not2fun

I'm trying, Naught, I'm trying.

Thanks for checking in. (I still have to get back to you on my other thread, too)

As for triggers, they're everywhere! I think it's just a part of life at this point and it seems they get less powerful as time goes on, but there doesn't seem to be much more of a cure than that ~ time.

I've been spending a lot of time around the house with Operation Personalization (making the house my own). In the process, I can't put something back without cleaning it and the space it goes in. So... I've discovered years worth of dust and grime. It's kind-of embarrassing. But it's also a major trigger: Instead of dusting and cleaning all these past many months, ww was having coffee with this one, and "sunning" with that one, and hanging out having a good time for herself; all while working 20 hours/week max. I start to get on myself that I could have been doing some of the cleaning, but gosh I've been coaching both kids' Little League teams, working 40 hours, did all the laundry and all the vacuuming, etc.

Not one room has had a fresh coat of paint in 15 years except the living room which I did years ago when she went to Florida. But, in January she could completely remodel the office to make herself a spare bedroom (isolation chamber); a concentrated <1 week effort.

It's a weird kind of trigger - all this with the cleaning. It doesn't make me miss her more. It makes me mad that I put up with it, or, really, that I didn't recognize how to make my needs known so that we could have worked together on it.

...Did I not realize what was really important in the relationship, or was it just such a flawed relationship that something would have broken it eventually anyway?

~opt

I hope you don't feel bad about this, Opt. You're not alone by any means. Millions of couples are doing the same thing - cruising along in a half-butt relationship because they just don't know any better. Dr. H's concepts should be a college course. I already know what my wedding engagement present is going to be to my kids when they get to that point - HNHN!

I just gotta say, Optimism, you must be a pretty good guy. With all the heartache you're going through, I see lots of posts from you on others threads that are thoughtful and very useful. You've been a great friend to me.

God Bless and good luck to you as you move on. You deserve a better life.

That is a great idea, Linus. But waiting until they get married is leaving it kind of late, don't you think? Have them take the course in their teens, just like the driver education course. So they will know the rules of the road before they get behind the wheel.

Thanks L-Dog, for the encouragement. I never wanted to have an average anything. Marriage no exception and it was definitely above average in many ways. Now, it seems so much clearer that a great marriage is within reach with some concentration and attention to the right details. I have very little hope that WW has it in her (although we're not officially D'd yet, so I haven't shut the door completely). Heck, I don't know if I have it in me; sometimes I have my doubts - I'm pretty selfish and I suppose hard to get along with at times. But I'd really like to TRY; with someone who is willing to put in the same effort (that is definitely NOT WW at this time; she still wants everything to come naturally with no heavy lifting).

I have to run (time to make dinner for my babies). Thanks for checking in over here, Linus. I'm thinking of you and your WW's session tonight. Fingers crossed.

opt

[quote=optimismHeck, I don't know if I have it in me; sometimes I have my doubts - I'm pretty selfish and I suppose hard to get along with at times. But I'd really like to TRY; with someone who is willing to put in the same effort (that is definitely NOT WW at this time; she still wants everything to come naturally with no heavy lifting).


opt [/quote]

Opt- you definately have this in you. You r posts show just how passionate you are towards your kids and this will be fruitful in your future.

I so miss my kids when they are with my STBX also. You do a lot of reflecting on your past when you go through this storm. I had alway wanted fairness and my wife and kids to be proud of how I live my life. Divorce steals from you more than your family. My kids are still very proud of me, but I found out this week, that they still wish for my wife and I to stay married.

I wonder if I will now take part of the blame for the divorce, that I didn't want in the first place?

Stay strong Optimism, you are a light , not only to your kids, but to those of us who are also in the storm.

You sure will 1step. You'll own your part of whatever it was that got you to where you are. NOTHING MORE.
You'll identify it, and eliminate it from your character by changing behaviors and forming new habits, healthy ones. Your kids will see a man transformed and know that whatever challenges face them, they can handle them, because, hey, Dad did and we're part of him.


No getting around this one. A sad reality.

opt

Couldn't agree more EG. Why I have such aspirations to get into a healthy relationship with mutual trust and a Romantic Love. I would love to model that for kids so they know what to look for as they begin the process of choosing a spouse (a few short years away). I would hate to have this cycle (of divorce, non-romantic marriage, etc) continue with them.

Obviously that type of relationship can't be rushed and might never happen, and I can't change the past.

In the absence of modeling MB principles in a relationship, I try to do so in everyday life. No LB's, for instance. Placing a high premium on honesty. We have a hand signal - like "time out" but with just the index fingers. It means "Truth." Always the Truth. Stuff like that.

Best I can do til they start teaching this stuff in school.

opt

Just checking in Opt - how are ya?

Hey thanks Linus for chaecking in over here. I haven�t ignored you, just wanted to take the right time to give you an adequate response.

Truth is, it�s hard to say how things are going really. The weight of these issues and emotions that go along with divorce are so overwhelming at times. It stands to reason that that would be the case: afterall, it�s essentially 15 years of little mistakes piled up that I�m now trying to sort through. Add to that the trauma of infidelity which only serves to complicate things further.

One thing I�ve been wrestling with is wondering to what extent our relationship was one of co-dependency. I don�t know much about co-dependency so I need to research it more - perhaps someone here could share some insight. Not that it would �solve� anything, but it would be nice to know what happened, and hey, maybe try to avoid the same problems in the future.

I�m reflecting quite a bit on how the �fire� was missing in my parent�s relationship as I was growing up. They pretty much fell in love and got their act together after I went to college. My picture of marriage wasn�t what it could have been. WW has divorced parents, her Mom was a floozy (just found that out recently; very impactful on my situation I think), and Dad cheated on a regular basis. (How did this all impact my approach to marriage?) MB would have been a good find about 15 years ago.

I still am conflicted about how she wrecked the marriage, gave up on the family, and gave up on me. BUT that by the time it was over, I don�t really want it either. How can I be mad and resentful at her when deep down I�m glad to be out of an unhealthy relationship?

And last week I found out my mortgage payment is supposedly going up >$300/ mo. I�m strapped as it is. So, I have to straighten that out (some glitch with the escrow which I barely understand).

Other than all that, I�m doing great!! Bought two African Violets last week, which I love. WW would always kill them. Doing some gardening and cooking. Might be going to see the RedSox and Yankees tonight (friend has extra tix). Bedroom renovations coming along slow but sure. Next is the rest of the house, figure I�ll be done by 2015.

Opt

NOTICE OF ASSIGNMENT: Docket No. xxxxxxxxxxx

........... 06/18/2010........


Finally got the date.

I can't believe I haven't been on my thread since May 9. I guess I'm just transitioning to the new norm of not being married. Still wearing the ring. I don't talk about my status to people, except close friends. I feel fine for myself; I like not having to share my stuff and my space (although I wouldn't mind doing so if I had someone in my life who I was in love with). I worry a lot about my kids and wish they had two parents who loved each other.

Sat next to ww at D8's dance recital the other night. I think that meant a lot to D8.
My Mom was in town this week. They hardly talked which must have hurt ww as she really loves my Mom.
Bedroom is painted and fixed looks nice. Now it's on to the next project. And waiting for June 18 to roll around.


Opt

Wow



Double Wow

What will be happening on June 18, Opt? I filed for divorce in Dec of 09; I had a mediation date on Mar 23 of this year, and a hearing for temporary support on March 05 this year, but the actual court date for the divorce is not until October. The long wait to have things settled is hard.

If this is your final court date, things are moving along pretty quickly for you.