That's okay. Just looking out for you. That mistake has been made here before, and I am SURE it will be made again.

Well, being in B I don't know the deal with my H. We do have kids and he does at least take them to a flat where he appears to live but I don't know how much time he is actually there. LOL.

Time will tell. Time will tell.

Anyway.....your plan A can be tons of FUN! Yes, FUN! You let your Giver go to town and enjoy being such a very good wife. LOL.

You will know when to go to B if you must. You will know if he is pulled back towards you but NOT dumping the OW. When you figure that out after a good plan A run, you will be inspired to go to B.

Harley says plan A doesn't work by itself 85% of the time but a plan B needs a good plan A to preface it.

Scotland-

Just wanted to know if you had a time limit for plan B? I saw on your info that your WH moved in with OW as you went to plan B. Is that really bad? I am wondering if my WH will do the same thing? Even after I have the baby.....I really don't want that to happen. Do you have any contact with your WH? How long do you think you will wait for him.....

I would write an actual, physical letter to mail via US Post to the boss.

Simply state that your H and OW are in an inappropriate relationship. That you are his wife, you want to save the marriage but the OW is in the way of that and you have moved back to Iowa to await the birth of your child in the immediate future.

Matter of fact and yet firmly stating that you are the wife of the WH and are hoping for attention to this matter.

Then, yes, they could loose their jobs if the boss gives a darn about such things. They could be driven towards each other BUT it would be in desperation to hang on to the fantasy and wouldn't strengthen their 'love'. YK?

Yes, WH will be hissing, spitting mad if boss talks to them. That is good. Means he is typical wayward following wayward script. You keep cool and don't take any cruel statements as fact and to heart. It is expected. I heard doozies from my WH after exposing and I went on to do a really good plan A until I went dark to B.

TB


My first introduction to adultery was when I was nine years old. I was a very committed nine year old at a Church around the corner from where I lived. A deacon ran off with the Pastor's wife. It was a very big scandal. We have one person on this forum right now who is a Pastor's wife and her husband cheated.

The seeds of infidelity are in all of us including committed Christians.

By the time you read this, you will be back in Iowa, a safe place. You will have more time to develop a plan and work the plan, free from the daily stress of interacting with a fogged out husband. With the baby coming, daily stress is probably not a good thing.

You are getting good at seeing through the babble. Congratulations for recognizing your husband's mental state is scrambled right now. You done good

You asked me for more on Vampira. You have been asked to forget her, but of course you can't. She is the enemy. And I agree that she is the enemy. Understanding your enemy is important in the battle to recover your marriage and an intact family now blown up by nothing I can see that you did.

Go back to what I said about her. She is an aging hedonist who understands the SoCal lifestyle. She found herself a juicy Iowa peach fresh from the farm, to use SoCal speak. In other words, a less than sophisticated male who would get infatuated with her and prop up her flagging ego. And your husband IS infatuated, no doubt. And she is infatuated with what your husband is doing for HER ego. To her, he is an object, not a person. Talk about role reversals. . .yes, women can do that too.

She has her fangs in him. His infatuation and unwitting lack of knowledge makes him vulnerable. He has no idea that 'Personal Trainer" in Southern California is all too often a snake pit of adultery, hedonism and alternate lifestyles.

He will learn, but at what cost to himself and his family?

Basically, he is like the frog, happy in the cold water that soon warms up as time goes on and eventually the frog gets cooked because he never got uncomfortable enough to jump out.

Vampira, on the other hand, knows exactly what is going on, why she is doing what she is doing for as long as it takes for her to get what she wants and what the end game will be after she sucks his life juices dry. She will eventually cast him aside and find another target. I have no idea how long that will take, it could be longer than you have the patience to wait.

It is your task now to adopt new tools for dealing with marriage and family life. Up till this time, you have used the tools you had and from the perspective of who you were as a person. Now you have the chance and the motivation to become a new person, who learns new tools. By tools, I mean a new understanding and methods of dealing with your new insight into relationships. I wish you well.

Larry

We know you are scared Tink. We have all been there in one way or the other but you are ignoring some wonderful advice and allowing your fear to paralyze you. You will feel much better if you read back through your thread and DO the things that have been suggested.

God's Blessings,

Say

[ So, would it be a good idea to just tell him that he needs to go back by himself and that he can move back to Iowa if he wants to save his marriage and family? I really do NOT want to go back to that hell hole. I really don't. I HATE the SoCal life. I mean that I really HATE it. I would feel uncomfortable living in an area so close to where vampira lives. I have no idea what city she lives in, but just the fact that she is so nearby would be a problem for me. Would it be too much to ask him to do that for our marriage? I mean, really, he should be willing to move mountains for our marriage. So I guess that was a stupid question.

NO

I do not mean your past transgressions, especially those BEFORE you were married. Your one time drunken infidelity has been forgiven by your husband and should be put into your past.

Advice on this forum is a collaborative effort. I always hold back to see what others will say. I never, ever think I see everything.

But one thing I will say, and that is your own contribution to this mess has nothing to do with those three emotionally, drunken acts of yours.

Let me post something from another thread:


That was written by a former wayward and I use her post to give you an inside look at the infatuation of adultery.

See, your big contribution to this mess is when you look at yourself to try to find reason among the insanity of your life as it now is. Ain't you lady, it is your stupid husband and the vampire who has her fangs stuck in his neck.

Larry

.

The thing I am scared to do is the exposure at his workplace. I don't want fear to paralyze me.

It is the fear that paralyzes you, sends blood rushing through your veins, sours your stomach, and interupts your sleep. It is the fear that gives away your power, your hope, and your forgiveness. It is fear that robs you of the active self and traps you in the role of patronizing enabler who will take them back at ANY cost...even if the price is too high. It is fear that keeps you from confronting and exposing. And fear that prevents you from enforcing your boundaries and having compassion for yourself.

Fear of abandonment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of reaction....yours, theirs.
Fear of future...the unknown.
Fear of destitution and want.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing.
Fear of loss.
Fear of solitude.
Fear of settling.
Fear of change.
Fear of lack of change.
Fear
Fear

Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limpic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".

There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our indentity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.

MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security.

You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one.

Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.

If you don't believe you CAN survive without your WS....you cannot do what you must do to ensure success.

Stop being fearful of their threats...they are just excuses to leave or be selfish.

Stop being fearful of their reactions....their reactions arise from their guilt...not your boundaries.

Stop being fearful of taking a stand....it's the only way to gain respect or trust.

Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.