callalily, it saddens me to no end that you are receiving such negativity from the inlaws. they are small minded people. they see only that "their" son has fostered another one of "their" offspring. they brains are too small to realize the hurt that goes along with this type of situation.

i say the next time they say something rude you ask mil if she would have stayed with her h had he brought home a child he fostered with another woman. and ask the fil the same question. would he have had the juevos to stay with a woman who got preggers by another man. most likely not.

any how the main reason i am posting to you is that what really caught my attention from your thread is how bad you feel with your new pregnancy. please slow down and take the time to enjoy your new little growing inside you. he/she needs/deserves that more then ever right now.

hold your head high that this is "your" child

I truly appreciate all the support that I have gotten from all of you on this forum. You don't know how much it means to me to have people that support me right now, since I have no one else except H.

H has contacted a lawyer and meets with her next week. Hopefully this will be over soon and we can move on. I know that NC is what's best for our M if we're to stay together. We won't heal and we will D if there's C. I am very afraid of resentment from H and I am scared that if H resents me enough we will end up in D anyway. I guess it's a risk I'm going to have to take.

I'm currently trying to "fake it til I believe it" in regards to what other people think. This is my life and I have to live it. Not once since we told the few people that know, has anyone called and asked me how I was doing or how we were doing. So why should I care what they think about me and what decision that I make for the best interest of my family. I don't know why I need affirmation from everyone. But it's going to end now. I have 4 healthy beautiful children and another on the way and I'm going to do what's best for them and my M, that is very important to me.

I don't know if I would of been able to even find the strength to say to myself that I don't have to please everyone if it hurts me. You all have given me Hope and Strength in a time of great Pain. This forum has been a Blessing to me. There were so many days that I looked at a bottle of sleeping pills and wondered how many I would have to take to sleep and never wake up. Then I found this site and found support and people that said what I was feeling was normal and it's okay to have NC, it doesn't make me a bad person. I thank you all for pulling me out of a dark place that could of devastated my children.


Pops- I'm going to really enjoy this pregnancy and live for myself. I'm not going to let in laws that barely spend time with my children dictate what they think is right for my family.
Thank you so much. Your words really lifted my spirit.


I Thank you All!!!! I know that there are going to be some hard days ahead still and it's going to take awhile to heal. It's going to be a long road to recovering my M. I'm just glad that now I have the tools available and most importantly the support I need to make it through the day. I know where I can go to vent and ask for guidance.

(((to you all)))

Always remember you have friends here that feel your pain and know how you are feeling, because many have been there. We are a testament that you to will make it. Stay strong for your children and know that the little one you are carrying will be(is a blessing).

You will be an example to your children of how to stay strong in the face of adversity, because everyone will face some type of adversity in their lifetime. Staying strong doesn't mean you never have weak moments.

One day you will be saying these same words to another woman who is walking in the same shoes. You will look back and wonder how you made it through this. Because you will make it through this.

Continue to vent and pour your heart out to people who really care. We are here for you.

I pray that you have a peaceful night sleep.

Well, I thought that I would update since I haven't been on here in awhile.

Still have not established paternity. Lawyer suggested that we hold off until she sues for CS since no other effort has been made and just let the court order a paternity test.

So in the meantime, trying to rebuild our M. It's been really hard. I'm not sure what stage we're in. I don't know what it means to be in recovery or if I'm still trying to survive the affair. It feels like a little bit of both. I still cry alot! I still think about it constantly and SF is impossible and I am finding myself dreading my H touching me in that way. I always end up in tears from the images.

I wonder if it's my pregnancy and all the wild crazy hormones that are making it seem impossible to move forward. I can't take any AD because of the pregnancy and I am really scared that Im going to have a hard time with this baby, because I really don't want to be pregnant by my H right now. That kills me because I really enjoy children and wanted quite a few and always had the dream of becoming a foster parent or adopting, but because of NC, I feel like that dream is no longer possible. I'm probably crazy for feeling like this, but it is how I feel.

I'm tired of crying and being depressed. H has been very supportive and really wants this to work. He always asks how my day has been and I just tell him fine, even if it wasn't. I don't think telling him the same feelings over and over is going to help. I'm trying to move on but I feel like maybe I'm not strong enough.

I've tried not to care what other people think, but I still do and I don't know why I can't just stand tall and walk with my head up.

I just feel guilt everyday for something I didn't do. I feel like I'm being punished for a sin I didn't commit. I used to be very faithful to church and my belief in God used to be so strong, and now I refuse to go to church because I feel like he forgot about me and that maybe this problem is too big for him. Crazy as a bed bug, I know, but I'm just in a really dark place and not even prayer is giving a little glimpse of light.

I don't know how to move into recovery or what it even looks like. Im unsure of what recovery is supposed to consist of. We're currently working on the 15 hours, it's hard but we're trying.

I just need some help with recovery or surviving this. I don't know how I should be feeling or what else we're supposed to be doing. How do I begin to enjoy intimacy with my H again, without crying? I miss being with him and I'm so scared that me dreading intimacy and crying is going to push him away again. I'm a mess and I really wish there was someone close that I could talk to, that has been where I am. This forum is great, but sometimes you need someone here with you. But since this forum is all I got, I come here help, I don't trust talking to any family members or close friends because of the things that were said to me from the ones we did confide in, and those conversations still haunt me to this day that I'm wrong for wanting NC etc... This causes me to rethink my decision and I am basicly put into a state of anxiety and I fall to my knees in tears with the thought of telling everyone and bringing that baby home (when and if paternity is established) How would I tell people/family/friends? The thought of it upsets me and I know without a shadow of doubt that I cannot do that and I would have to leave my H that I love dearly, abandon my M that meant so much to me and hope my children understand my decision and aren't damaged by a D.

If anyone could help me it would be great. This is probably a horrible read because of my rambling, but that's how my mind works these days.

So after all this time OW has not pursued a paternity test for your WH?

Something not right here.

Is OW waiting for two years to lapse so your WH can not contest paternity?

Can OW screw over WH legally this way by just waiting?

I think so if WH's name is on the OC'c birth certificate.

Better check with another lawyer.

You and your WH better seek out a copy of the BC to find out who has been put down as the father.

If it is your WH then the bad news is this is the game that the OW is playing. Wait till your WH can no longer legally disown paternity.

In our state if you are not married the man has to be physically there to sign the birth certificate, a woman cannot just put a man's name on the birth certificate unless he is there and signs it himself.

The only way you can put the name on there without the man present is if you are married.

My H did not sign a birth certificate.

The two years is only for men that are married to the woman that gave birth. The husband has two years (in most states) to contest paternity.

Callalily:

Your initial post is everything that I have been thinking since I found out about all of this. I cry and think about the situation daily. I cannot get it out of my mind. It is almost an obsession. In my case, OW is looking for money and has already filed CS papers and wants to move forward with CS. She has not returned to work and probably has no plans to do so. It is so hard to move on. My H has been supportive and says he is totally focused on our M, but I don't TRUST him. I was thinking about you the other day because we are in the SAME situation. I am due in late NOV early DEC and I have not enjoyed this pregnancy to date. I should be focused on my child and I cannot because of the DRAMA in my life. I just told my H the other day the same thing you were thinking about not wanting to be pregnant anymore and I just felt like moving on. I have always wanted children and I really do want my child but I just felt at the momment if I did not have this child I could really walk away. I became pregnant in the mist of my H dealing with this situation. He knew at the time we had unprotected sex that he was the BIO DAD to OC. I often wonder why he continued if he knew what was going on with the potential to further complicate the situation. I went in knowing that this was my H and I had no problem if I were to get pregnant. I don't know...I'm all over the place. I just want you to know that you are NOT alone. I am in the same situation. In fact, I called the counselor on yesterday because I need continued guidance through this situation.

My biggest issue is NC. I have no problem with my H paying the support because it is required by LAW. I've been reading in my state about "parenting plans" and I just hope a judge will not order a parenting plan because that is exactly what she wants. She wants money and to be apart of my H's life by way of the child. I hope we can go to mediation and work this out but I have a feeling that when my H reiterates NC she will push this issue to the courts.

Has anyone ever heard of a JCC in FL ordering a parenting plan and H had to exercise or he would be penalized? My H says that the judge cannot force him to be apart of the childs life if he does not want to be but that is my FEAR. I cannot deal with looking at OC or OW for the next 18 years of my life and dealing with the DRAMA that comes with parenting. Again, this person comes from a totally different background and lifestyle. My H now realizes this and never thought about it before because he just looked at her as being a "JUMP OFF". He had never been to her house or met any of the company that she kept. Now, he knows and totally regrets that this ever happened.

My sister....I feel your pain. Keep your head up. Don't turn your back on God, because I will tell you that although this is happened to me I still trust in God to get me through this and that is the only way I've been able to see a little light at the end of the tunnel.

Callalily,

Are you working the MB program with your H? Have you considered counseling with the Harley's to get your recovery really going?

Faith

We are working on the MB program, but have yet to call and talk to the Harleys. In the process of moving and don't quite have the extra money for phone counseling.

I just don't know why I can't stop thinking about it and move forward. I feel like I'm stuck and I'm drowning.

Bethesda,

Thank you for your encouragement. I still believe in GOD but my faith is almost gone. I just feel like there's way too many unanswered prayers and that I'm just not strong enough for this storm/test in my life. I want to enjoy my life and not let this situation steal my dreams from me. I want to enjoy my baby and I'm hoping that it changes soon since I'm due in the middle of November. I hope that at some point we both find the strength to really enjoy our pregnancies.

I don't know what I would do if I had to have the oc in my life. I'd definitely lose it! I hope that it all works out for you and your family.

Callalily - I feel the same exact way. I have already made up in mind and this juncture that I would leave my H. With this individual I know the DRAMA that will come because she is # 1 upset that she can NEVER have my life and # 2 she wants my H's attention and companionship and I KNOW she will use the child as a weapon. Her marriage is suspect because anyone who tells me just because you don't want me to have contact with your H does not mean I won't have sex (I'm putting it nicely) with him says a lot about the person. Why put myself through more pain and my child through DRAMA. I want DRAMA free and if that means I have to raise my child on my own then so be it. I need PEACE and the only way my M can have peace is NO CONTACT.

In my case my H wants NC as well so I just have to TRUST that he will not change his mind. Be encouraged!

(((Calalilly)))

You and I had our D-Days the same month/year, so I am right there with you and still experience ALL of the same emotions you are feeling. I do have more good days than bad currently, but I still cry about every day, esp. during my quiet time. The biggest difference in our sitches is that I have tried RELENTLESSLY to get pregnant (won't bore you with my infertility saga, but it is LENGTHY), and b/c of my issues, I have not conceived. I have a strong faith in God, but I still question him on this. "Knowing how badly I want a child, how hard I've tried, why would you slap me in the face this way? I've been faithful to you, loved my H, but why this? Why do I now have to constantly be reminded of my inability to conceive and how some OW gave my H his firstborn?" I can't tell you how many times I've asked him this question. I know that I may never know the answer this side of heaven. I wonder if I will ever be truly happy again. Yes, my marriage had issues before, but I was truly, blissfully happy with my H and poured my everything into him. Like you, I just feel stuck. I think we are in R, but am not really sure I know what that looks like. We just don't talk about the sitch. I feel like we are now just going through the emotions of life. I am, by nature, a truly happy, positive person, but this has totally rocked my world like I KNOW you believe.

As far as DNA, per my earlier post, have you looked into a private test? Also, if you can, I would be setting aside some money every month for when OW comes knocking. In most states, she can get retroactive CS from birth. In my state, she could even go back as far as to ask for expenses during pregnancy. So, I would suggest putting some money back now so it won't totally ruin you if she comes for CS down the road. OW is currently leaving us alone. But we are putting money in a separate account every month.

As far as the BC, I would request one online. I did w/o my H's knowledge. The person requesting has to be a bio parent. At this point, we did have DNA, but I needed to know if H was lying about being on the BC or not. So, I went online, requested the BC, and it was mailed to me within 2 days. H WAS NOT on the BC, but stupid OW had given OC MY LAST NAME!!!!!!! What a freakin' idiot!!!!! In my state, you can apparently give a child whatever name you choose. Fled (I think) mentioned that since she was going through a D at the time, IF she would've given OC her last name, her H might have been required to pay CS for OC. But, you would think now that she is D, she would change OC's last name to match hers and her other kids. But, since we are NC, I suppose we may never know??? (And...I have to tell you that the BC was filed BEFORE DNA was confirmed....again, what a freakin' idiot!!!!)

Anyway, big hugs to you. I think what you and I feel is completely normal (if there is a normal). Please continue to post and read. We are here for you.

Recovery is a process, a long road. You only recognize when you look back and see how much progress you have made.
Crying during SF is normal. I found that the better the SF was the more likely I was to cry (as time went on). FWH just held me, apologized again. The crying diminishes over time as the healing takes place. It is probably one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life, making love to the person you loved, knowing that they diminished the intimacy of it, the sacredness of it, to just a roll in the hay, a little "fun" on the side (consequence free) until the consequences showed up. If WH can be there for you, understand your pain, express remorse and compassion as you work through this, you can get through this.

Fled

Well, it's been a year since DDay. No real update. I'm still really angry and sad at times, but not crying hysterically everyday. I can't remember the last time I let H touch me I've kinda shut down to be honest. We didn't talk about it last week nor have we really talked the past couple of weeks. I think I want to separate for awhile but I'm unsure of how to tell H so I'm contemplating having bags packed and leaving a note while he's at work. I know that his reaction is going to be horrible cause to him everything is perfect because he comes home everyday and he still has his wife and family. I am the complete opposite he comes home and I can't believe this is the man I married and I feel like I'm living with a stranger everyday. He's been asking what's wrong and has bought a few couple's devotionals for us to do together but I reply with "nothing's wrong" and we have yet to open one of those books. I just don't feel like I should ask him when he wants to work on our M but he should come to me and say let's do this right now and at this specific time each night and make a committment to 15 hours of undiv. attention. I don't want to try to fix this by myself I think he should put in most of the effort cause his selfishness destroyed our M so he should prove to me that he wants it to work. I just see him everyday going to work and coming home like everythng is okay, like nothing happened and I'm mad that his life seems to go on, almost conseq. free (he keeps his wife and family) while I'm hurting inside.

Not sure why I'm not able to talk to H anymore. He used to be my best friend, now it's like we're both walking on eggshells around each other and we never talk about us and the sitch only the kids, bills, family, work and the house. We have the love busters/his needs her needs questionaires sitting on our nightstands unfinished. I just wish he would wake up and realize that he needs help if he's going to keep his wife and we need help if we're going to keep our M. I know that we don't have anyone to help us, but I wish he could talk to a man that has kept his wife after this and asked him how he did it and what he should do.

Has he been resentful and is he apologetic and sorry? yes and he's been calling me from work numerous times in the day, calls on his way home and doesn't drink alot anymore. H even put a gps tracking device on his phone. So why am I not satisfied? Why are these not enough for me? Am I asking or wanting too much? I just feel like he never thinks about what he did and all the conseq.
If things don't change soon I am positive that I will be leaving our home very soon.

Callalilly,

honey before you pack and leave why not call the Harley and set up counseling and get a real plan in place for a real recovery? It sounds like H isn't doing anything because he thinks everything is "OK".

My alternative suggestion would be to order the MB online program which will give you a MB coach and access to Dr. H in the private forums.




The part I put in bold is a DJ or disrespectful judgement. You are assuming he doesn't think about these things but have you TOLD him honestly how you feel and what you need?

((Calla)) So glad you checked in.

Your thoughts above mirror mine a good bit. We really don't talk about the sitch either. It's just "easier" not to. I know this is not healthy, but I'm not sure what to do about it. As long as we don't talk about sitch, things seems OK and normal. H said recently that he never wants to talk about "it" again. Fine by me, but there is so much emotionally he is dealing with and it worries me that he won't open up. He says he can't b/c we are not on the same page. Meaning that if I could handle C, he would have his precious OC that I have been unable to give him. I have asked him repeatedly about counseling with the Harley's and he won't. Says he doesn't need to be reminded of his faults, although we all know that's not how the Harley's counsel.

I do dream of leaving and wonder what it would be like. I am young, cute, childless, successful, confident, etc., etc, so I should be a good catch, right??? Well, the way I see it, even if I were to leave, I still don't win. I never in a million years EVER dreamed H would do this to me. I blindly trusted all these years. If he will do it, chances are, someone else would to. Why would I want to risk this god-awful sitch happening a second time?? So, I am staying b/c it seems currently this is the easy road (if there is such a thing).

I am to the point that I don't cry EVERY day, but still alot especially during my quiet time. I honestly cannot believe this is my story. I can't wait until just one day can go by without me thinking of the sitch.

I also feel that my H is not as remorseful as I think he should be. Yes, he is sorry, but I often feel he is more sorry for losing OC than what he did to me. I have a DF with a 16 yo OC that is still happily married to her high school sweetheart. She has conquered and survived so I know it's possible (they even have had close C all these years and now have custody of OC). HOWEVER, she did tell me that her H will NEVER fully understand what she gave up and did for him by staying.....I suppose many of us BS's in this sitch can say the same. MY DF is a SAINT to be a loving stepmother to OC. I could only do this IF we had fully custody of OC and the OW was NOWHERE to be found and couldn't contact us.

Again, glad you checked in. Hang in there and don't stress too much. Take care of your bun in the oven and worry about the rest another day. ((CALLA))

Faith- We have been putting money aside for the online program and telephone counseling. Just not there yet I will be looking up Disrespectful judgement. Im just unsure if I'm being unrealistic by wanting to see him put in more of an effort than the things that he is doing. Unsure if I'm asking too much and if it's possible to ask to much after he's done something so BIG!

I have'nt been talking to him at all really. I feel like an inconvenience. That I'm bothering him by bringing it up and not getting over it...I feel like I'm a nagging broken record so i just keep my feelings to myself. I know that, that is probably wrong but I just feel alone in all this and that he doesn't understand why I'm still sooo hurt. I thought that since it's now been a year that I would be further along than I am. Like something's wrong with me because I'm having a hard time moving forward from this and accepting that I'm not married to the man I thought I married.

It's like I'm stuck in self pity but I'm not trying to be. I really want to be able to have a happy successful marriage after this and be fully reconciled and live happily ever after with my once in a lifetime, i just feel like it's hopeless and that now we're just roommates.

Migs- I wish we were'nt going through this also. It's so mindblowing and you feel like an idiot for doing what you were supposed to do. We are definitely on the same page. A day without thinking of this situation would be like a vacation at this poing. I know that we shouldn't let it consume us like this but its really hard not to, especially when I'm alone. I also can't handle C with OC. I have a hard time dealing with that in my heart. Since I'm having a hard time in my heart with NC maybe its the wrong thing to do and every child deserves to have a father and sometimes I feel like its better that he's a father to all his children and it's less important that he's a good husband to his wife. He's such a great dad to our children and I know that he would hate to have a fatherless child out there which is one of the characteristics that I fell in love with about him. So I feel like a selfish b%^&tch for asking him to have no contact. Even though he's perfectly okay with that decision. I'm just a mess about everything.

I love how great of a catch you are and I have pretty much the same attitude about it. I'm a damn good catch but I have multiple children so I don't know how much of a catch that makes me, but for me leaving wouldn't be about finding someone else. I don't want anyone else and I will never marry again!

calla,

I think that you will grieve and will not begin recovery until you and your H begin using the MB programme.

However, I do not think that OC is H's. This is blindingly obvious from the way the OW has disappeared since he asked for a DNA test.

I think that you are letting your guilt about NC with OC eat you up, when in fact there is no OC. Your feelings about OC are badly affecting you, and yet there is no need to have them.

I think you and H need to work on realising that there is no OC, and choose the online MB programme when you have saved the money.

Recovery will be hard for years; please don't let a phantom OC make it worse.