Markos, I think it would be awesome for DH to post. I don't think it likely. He avoids the news and hates when I tell him of people's stories on here. He has a temper and listening to all the stuff that goes on around here, particularly on SAA, just makes him angry and sad.

I do talk to him about a few people's situations and he's read parts of yours and Prisca's stories and has given me some feedback to incorporate in my responses. He's pullin' for y'all like I am. I may be able to coax him out but he just doesn't like dealing with so much pain. He works very hard to reign in his temper and this type of stuff just riles him up and I don't think he's comfortable going there.

We'll see =-)

It is nice to learn who you are, Vibrissa and meet your family.

God's Blessings,

Say

I just read your thread .. and wanted to say that your story is very good. Its great to see stories like yours, they give others motivation to strive for a more fulfilling marriage. Keep the positive vibes floating around here ... lots of ppl need it.

Cheers!

Aww shucks guys... thanks

Sorry I missed your last post there Vibrissa. I sympathise with your situation with cereals and making decisions together for your children.

I was always in the way of just making the decisions because I was the one who read everything, all the research and then I felt justified in dismissing his ideas because he wasn't there every day and he didn't have the knowledge I had to fall back on.
Eventually though it got easier to share control anyway because as our first child gets older its less to do with just me and her and more working out general family issues. I am way more relaxed about both of them than I was first time round but some of that is because I did all the reading and I found out the way that really felt right and after H read some of the stuff I had done it all just made sense to him to.

I know its a bit late but I wondered if you had heard of baby led weaning? It means putting foods in front of baby and allowing them to feed themselves, completely, from the start of introducing solids. So they're fully in control of what they eat and you never have to worry about pushing them to eat too much too soon because their motor skills that allow them to get food to their mouths, chew and swallow mature in line with their digestive systems being ready to accept it.

I think this is where I was coming from a lot - but I'm working hard to let go. One of the biggest things to me is to feel that DH and I are on the same 'side' and me arguing from the point of 'I have more information than you' made us into opponents. I realized that there are many ways to raise a child and DH and I have to figure it out TOGETHER. I've slipped more into the - giving information route: "Here's what I've read on the issue, what do you think WE should do?" He seems to feel a lot more comfortable with that.

I hate the feeling of us arguing different sides against each other - I don't like feeling like his adversary or opponent so we've worked on ways to approach decisions TOGETHER and it has made such a difference to us - I think that working on POJA has helped that.



I think we're gravitating to something more like this. We backed off on the cereal - she's gaining weight just fine with the nursing and were going to go closer to 6 months on breast milk. We've been sitting her with us when we eat and are just watching her and letting her dictate to US when she's ready to eat. Girl can't even sit on her own yet so we're not in a rush. I think I was just feeling pressured by outside influences, but we really gotta do what's best for us and our little girl.

Thanks so much for you comment Rosy.

I was lucky in the beginning, I sent him links and articles when I was pregnant with our first so we were very much on the same page with regards to breastfeeding, and we found out about attachment parenting and it seemed so right to both of us.

I don't think we really disagreed on anything for quite a long time, but I was insecure about things I wanted to do and didn't know anyone who had parented the way I was doing and sometimes my worries erupted at dh. Ever since my first daughter was about 6 months old my husband got involved in a career change and began studying and this took his attention and thought away from parenting for a while. This caused us some issues as I felt abandoned and like I was the only one responsible for things. I reacted by pulling away from him a bit and decided that since I was the only one prepared (at that point) to read anything then I didn't have to consult him. To be fair to me, whenever I did consult him he didn't have an opinion because he was so stuck into studying to be a pilot and felt like he could trust me to just take care of all that.

As far as weaning goes, in the uk the guidelines are very definitely that waiting until six months of age to start solids is better. If they can sit unaided then the risk of choking is less because they're sitting more upright and their muscles are stronger.

Thought I'd compose a little update.

Waited 2 months and have just started DD on solids - much better this time around. Thanks for your advice Rosy.

Major steps forward this week.

I should start by saying that DH is on board with MB. I've described and laid out the program to him and it makes a lot of sense. He doesn't read though so he's never been here or read anything. He will listen to me read from Love Busters and give his thoughts, etc.

So I have realized, through reading Love Busters, that I have created an environment that is detrimental to Honesty and Openness. Early in our marriage I did not take well to DH expressing thoughts or feelings contrary to my own. I would throw little fits. So, out of love for me and motivated by his Giver, DH clammed up. He stopped sharing his thoughts and feelings with me.

I recognized at the time that something was missing but I wasn't sure what it was. DH just accepted that that was how it would have to be if he wanted to stay married to me, and from his account he was still pretty happy just closed off.

It was a hard, hard realization for me to make to realize how much I'd damaged our relationship. One of the things that most attracted us was that we could be completely Open and Honest with one another. I've been working hard at creating a positive environment for him to express himself. I pause after he tells me something when my first reaction would be to get defensive, hurt and argue. I pause and remind myself that I've asked him to be more open. I use the moment to calm myself and verbally appreciate him being honest. It has been very difficult to break this habit, but I believe things are getting better. DH has started opening up A LOT more.

I just have to keep reminding myself that DH's views, thoughts, and opinions are just that. His opinions. You cannot have a wrong opinion. His opinions and feelings are just as valid and real as mine. Him feeling differently does not make my feelings wrong. And I think thats where a lot of my defensiveness and anger came from. Many of them are motivated by DJs. I've found eliminating DJs is how I have to go if I want to create safety for him to be open an honest.

To give an example:
DH often says that he feels bad that he cannot go see his family very often, as they are 400 miles away. Whenever he would say that my first thought would be "My family lives 600 miles away and we don't get to see them a lot either. It's not my fault we don't get to see his family. We see his family more than mine. What he's really saying is that seeing my family is taking away from him being able to see his family. That's just not fair! I have a right to see my family. They're just as important to me as his family!" And then, operating from that lovely bouquet of DJs I'd proceed to get upset at him for being so unreasonable.... when all he said is he misses seeing his family regularly. His statement had NOTHING to do with my family. So since I'd get upset all the time he just stopped telling me he missed his family.... how sad is that?

I believe we've been making positive improvements here. I take what he says as what he says. I've tried to stop analyzing his 'true' meaning and just LISTENING to his words.

The end result is I've gotten a lot more honest communication from him recently.

He took to writing down a lot of his feelings, thoughts, frustrations. He came to me this weekend and told me he wanted me to read what he'd written. He told me he was scared to do this because he was afraid I'd take it wrong but as I'd been asking him to be more open, he felt I should read it. He was almost cringing as he asked. I told him to email it to me and I read it when I had a spare moment.

It was VERY hard to read without becoming defensive. It laid out a lot of his frustrations and resentments with our marriage. However towards the end he had some very positive revelations.

One big portion of the letter and the resulting conversation was a discussion on his porn use and masturbation. This has always been a struggle in our marriage. He does not use it regularly, though he did frequently as a teen - like several times a day. He has had a handful of slip ups but they've been very painful for us to work though. He doesn't like that he has slipped up and adamantly believes that it is wrong. We both feel we should be involved in every sexual experience we have. However, the porn creates a fantasy escape, a way to deal with his stress, so the temptations at times seem constant and overwhelming.

Now DH doesn't really look at porn per se, he hasn't since a slip up VERY early in our marriage. But he does like suggestive, sensual images of women, usually partially clothed. It's not really porn but it is triggering for me. He has slipped up with these pictures in the past.

We both hate the porn conversation as we never feel it goes anywhere... but this time instead of creating a downward spiral of hurt - something else happened. He told me he needed to feel my support, I told him I couldn't feel supportive because I always feel like I'm waiting for the next slip up. He asked what I needed to not feel that way. And then I realized what we need are some EPs. So I told him:

1. Remove all suggestive pictures on his computer.
2. No more searching for photos or videos of that nature - I can go into his computer whenever I like to check his browser history and computer whenever I want. I'm pretty computer savvy so even if he hides it I'd be able to find it.
3. If there is something I find objectionable he will remove it.
4. No watching movies with nudity.
5. An accountability partner.

These may seem a little extreme but I'd rather err on the side of caution.

He agreed wholeheartedly to every single one of those. We went through his phone and computer and I deleted the photos I felt were inappropriate. Today he let me know that some of those photos had been uploaded to his ipod a few months back (hadn't even considered that) and he deleted them.

It's like a weight has been lifted off of both of us. It is possible he could slip up again, but at least we have a plan in place. I gave him this analogy: It's like before hand he was driving a windy mountain road at night, in a place he's never been. He keeps driving close to the edge to try to see the view... at some point he's gonna barrel off the side at high speed. Now it's like we've put up a huge guardrail and are driving as close to the mountain as possible. I can get in that car.

So just thought I'd share some of the progress we've been making.

So, out of love for me and motivated by his Giver, DH clammed up. He stopped sharing his thoughts and feelings with me.

I recognized at the time that something was missing but I wasn't sure what it was. DH just accepted that that was how it would have to be if he wanted to stay married to me, and from his account he was still pretty happy just closed off.


Lots of H do this.

Congratulations for the progress both of you have made.

Lou

Such a great story Vibrissa. Glad you started this thread. You are right about how the principles work in MB. When you are both comfortable with radical honesty and can agree enthusiastically. <sp>, you are in a great place.

Thanks for being here.

That sounds great Vibrissa! Your story is so similar to ours just a couple of years ago.

We too have gone through everything that upset me and removed it. I hate photos and videos of just one woman almost more than full on porn. Its so airbrushed, fake and completely unattainable and I can't bear to have images like that in my house where my daughters might see them and where they can make me feel awful about my stretch marks and other things I can do nothing about.

Recently we had a conversation about men's magazines because my husband really likes car and gadget magazines of which a lot of them have half naked pics of girls on the cover. I told him how much I hated the worldview that told us naked women should be used to sell anything to men and that by buying them I felt he was telling the marketing people that that was exactly what attracted him to those magazines. So we agreed that he would switch his readership to only those car and gadget magazines that don't use sex to sell. I felt such a huge weight off me even just from that. We worked on POJAing it and he rightly pointed out that at the time he had a very limited choice of magazines in english language and often the only ones available were the ones he knew I didn't want him to buy so we discussed getting an overseas subscription to the alternatives.
As it happened though we just moved back to the UK two weeks ago and that is no longer a problem as there are plenty of mags I am enthusiastic about him buying available here. In fact I might go and buy him one today

Hey, Mr. Vibrissa!

1) You need an alias so we have something to call you, unless you prefer "Mr. Vibrissa."

2) I'm am THRILLED to hear how Marriage Builders has been improving your marriage! You and your wife should consider emailing your testimonial to Joyce Harley; she loves to have testimonials to read on the air, and it means a lot to her and Dr. Harley as well to receive them.

3) You are the MAN for your radical honesty!

4) Main reason I wanted to write this: I wanted to share a little bit about how I overcame porn/masturbation use years ago. My porn use was primarily just suggestive images of women. In fact, I was usually happier with something like a lingerie ad than something that involved real nudity and was porn. Some time around the year 2000, I decided that this absolutely had to stop. My religious faith was a big motivator, of course, as was the hope of being married some day and being able to present myself as a reformed man with mistakes in his past but a mind washed clean and pure, rather than a man who mentally had sex in his fantasy life with every woman he saw.

About that time, God caused a couple of events to bring me in contact with a book you may have heard of or even read: Every Man's Battle. This book is spectacular. Get it! There's two great concepts in this book: the first is building a habit the authors call "bouncing your eyes" every time you see an image that is sensual; they talk about the instinct of jerking your hand off of a hot stove and say you have to start doing that with your eyes every time you see something arousing. That goes for porn, lingerie ads, billboards, pretty secretaries with a bit of cleavage showing: anything and any one that you find arousing.

As you know Marriage Builders is all about habit formation: repeat something often enough, with enough reward, and you will find it almost effortless because it is a habit. At first it will be difficult and awkward. I didn't know anything about Marriage Builders in those days, but I found this to be true with this habit: difficult at first, but almost effortless for me today, ten years later.

Once that habit is in place, you are starving your mind of most of the sensual images that kept your appetites going. It's like taking the liquor away from a drunk. Eventually, you recover from the addiction.

And for a married man, you won't be building this habit toward your wife, and you'll find that your mind is being fed with the sight of HER, and all your sexual desires will become even more focused on HER. And she will become even more desirable to you than ever before. (For the record, in some ways, trying this as a single man pretty much sucks. But it was still rewarding, and I definitely found it worth it, and a couple years later when I met the lady who became my wife, I can't tell you how glad I was I had done it.)

The other great insight I got from this book was just how high a standard I ought to maintain about this. Not to accept just a little bit of slipups from myself now and then, but to really seek to eliminate all forms of sexual impurity from my life. My prayer in those days was I John 3:3: "everyone who has this hope fixed on Him purifies himself, just as He is pure." Pray for, and seek, purity.

I really can't recommend this book highly enough; if I hadn't had it I doubt my resolution would have remained permanent. I know that in the years since the book has become more well-known and the first in a long series on many subjects, but I'm happy God brought it to my attention in those days when it was obscure (my copy doesn't even have the series logo on it). I know you don't like to read, but I would really get ahold of this book if I were you, and I would suggest reading it yourself without the involvement of your wife, at first. (You'll enjoy talking all about it later on. We do.) Perhaps there's an audio edition if you want to avoid the reading.

Glad to hear things are going so well with you; please keep building your marriage.

Never mind..