Tried to get on his work phone (Samsung Jack)... it was password protected and I could not guess the password. So, I asked him if I could use it to view my hobby site on the Internet Browser from the cell phone perspective.

He unlocked the phone and handed it right to me without hesitating. The phone seems very complicated; however, I was able to look through all emails received (couldn't find "sent items" and the text & IM are inactive)...The emails date back to December 2009. I found nothing but work related stuff and a few jokes from a male friend which My H forwarded to me on previous occasions. I checked the Contacts and found Ms. Arizona's work email & work phone number...no other women and definitely not "pretty lady." There were no emails from Ms. Arizona either. BTW - the work cell phone shows what is in his email account at work too.

The SIM Card Reader has been shipped and is ariving via Fed Ex. It shouldn't be too much longer until I receive it.

What you did today is a typical first step toward adultery!

The "no guilt" should be a major clue that you need to improve your boundaries and possibly even avoid being out alone!

I really had no intention of going any farther with it and I totally understand what you're saying.

Ok...I was wrong and STUPID. I am not going to do that again.

Ugh...

If you do, I'll fly out there and kick your behind myself...

The time to be most protective of personal boundaries is when we know we are lacking something.

Sort of like trying to diet and leaving a bowl of M&Ms on the table all day when you haven't had breakfast or lunch...Easy to justify "just one" and end up with a bowl of candy gone.

The fact that you felt like doing it again because it felt so good proves that it was wrong...

Mark

Chris i posted this to you on your exposure thread on SAA please read it.

Why NOW?

Perhaps your taker is rising up as a part of you resents stepping up and GIVING your husband sex when he's not meeting your needs the way you like them met.

Your taker was acting independently to kinda balance the playing field. It was easier to appease your taker behind his back than trying to demand your husband do it....just yet. Maybe some passive aggression/conflict avoidance in you or just anger coming out sideways.

You are essentially in Plan A right now...gotta swallow that taker by reinforcing to yourself that this is give and give is SHORT TERM.

Good job acknowledging it here. Can't fix what you won't acknowledge. But, obviously...stop it. Saying "it wasn't going to lead to anything else" is the mantra of nearly every wayward that ever landed here on MB. Rarely do people intend to have an affair.

Mr. W

Yes, Mr W.

Although he has responded very positively to the MB actions I am taking, I may feel that he isn't doing certain things exactly in the way I would like - yes. But in terms of "Rate of Return" - I have received a HUGE "Return" on my Giving....if I look at it objectively.

My problem is anger over his threat to get a divorce, and his behavior immediately after making that threat. I am also upset about the text message I found.


That seems reasonable and more "safe" in some ways.


Has anyone in Plan A actually moved towards an affair? I mean - is that really possible? Someone in Plan A has learned about and invested in MB and is therefore less likely to have an affair because of that awareness.

What I am trying to say is, there's a difference between falling / tripping into an affair and being in a Plan A + just venting frustrations by deliberately flirting with the purposeful intention to take it no further.

Not trying to justify - just saying / asking...

I think someone in Plan A is at increased risk of falling into an affair. They are Giving without Taking. They are sacrificing in the short run for a potential long run benefit. This drains their own love bank and puts them at risk of falling for someone who meets their ENs without LBing. That is part of why Dr. Harley advises not to do an indefinite Plan A, and to move into Plan B before the love bank is entirely drained.

Yup...and one of the primary reasons chatting is disabled on this board/website.

Besides...the most annoying thing about "accidents" is just how unpredictable they are.

Mr. W

Thanks SC, but that thread was to get links to info about EXPOSURE, not to discuss my personal situation. Can you please make comments about my personal situation in the thread I started for that? Thanks.

OK...I see.

Sigh...this is a toughie.

So, if in my "harmless" flirt sessions I meet *someone* who I could imagine myself with...and we start spending time together and fall into that initial feeling of romantic love where zero LBing will be done by him, I could mentally compare that (him) to my marriage (and my H) and decide Mr. New is the better (and easier) choice.

Yes, it's the "best" time in the world for the worst thing you can possibly do.

You are hurting because your emotional needs are not being met and your actions are not being reciprocated.

Nearly every adultery I've ever heard about has started under exactly these circumstances: hurt spouse shares feelings with friendly member of the opposite sex. The hurt spouse is the one whose Giver is giving but whose Taker is not satisfied. That's the spouse in Plan A.

Don't you know how adulteries start???

Your harmless flirt session is the moral equivalent of your husband calling someone else "pretty lady."

What he did is just as harmless as what you did.

That's why I put the word harmless in quotation marks. I realize it wasn't harmless.

Yes it is possible.....ANYONE can have an affair at ANY TIME...IF they don't put in the proper boundaries.....



I don't agree with this.....Nearly EVERY adultery I have heard had started while BOTH spoused were in WITHDRAWL. Meaning, NEITHER was doing a proper job of meeting the others EN'S. BOTH spouses were in "dangerous" territory. But fortunately, some BS's had great boundaries all along and some BS's don't get an oppertunity.

While you may hear of WS saying how they were giving and giving and giving, MOST of the time it usually a re-write of marital history. Something a WS does in order to JUSTIFY and blame-shift their affair.....


Unfortunately, I do.....

not2fun

Any affair needs poor boundaries to start. I was (and still am much of the time) VERY unhappy with the state of my marriage. But I'm not the one who had an A.

Poor boundaries. IMO, Chris had poor boundaries when she took her wedding ring off "just to see what would happen".

If everyone had rock solid boundaries, affairs wouldn't happen, regardless of whether or not their marriage was solid.

Too true OH

Everyone, I have angered the folks over in SAA.

They feel I was hiding the bookstore incident from them. I made an incorrect assumption that the people here visit different forums. They say that SAA folks really don't look at the other forums. I find that confusing because Plan A activities have a lot to do with MB 101 whereas SAA seems to talk mostly about busting up affairs. IMO, the SAA people would need to come here for help with their Plan A. Plan A is MB101 - eliminate LBs and meet ENs.

One person suggested that I still have too many threads about my situation. But at this point all I have this one and the one over @ SAA re/ the text message exchange.

Should I just close that thread down? If I do that I feel that I will not be advised here about snooping and my H's possible EA/PA. Should I close this thread down? If I do that, I don't feel that the SAA folks will help me with MB principles.

Over @ SAA, Mel has advised me to snoop.

The folks over there are saying that the bookstore incident means I have the mindset of a wayward spouse and that would change the advise I would get in SAA, but I don't see it. I see the bookstore incident as my Taker getting the best of me due to my Giving juxtaposed against my discovery of that "pretty lady" text message exchange. I have no desire to repeat the behvior or find some man to have an affair with.

I WANT MY MARRIAGE!

Please help!

Chris,

I think the book store incident was a skirt on the "wild side." I think you were testing your own desirability and sense of self-worth.

Still, I think it was a dangerous exercise and the replies you have received from MB members should serve as a "wake up call" -- there are such things as revenge affairs, and they are every bit as destructive as the affairs that sparked them.

Keep in mind that many affairs start out relatively innocently (please read this article if you haven't already). "Testing the waters," which is what the bookstore incident sounds like, is a poor decision, even if the intent was only to satisfy your own curiosity.