Bump. I need more suggestions!

My wife's exact words were:


It was not my intent to misrepresent her by the above sentence in quotation marks.

Say, "I know you don't feel like doing UA time tonight, like we agreed to...there are times I don't want to, either. Then I remember you and I are committed to doing and letting our feelings follow. The whole point of UA time is so that we can feel like teammates, allies, like the lovers we are again. Thank you for spending time with me anyway."

And then do it. See, maybe the board games are old...try charades, look through old photo albums...listen to music on the couch and rub each other's feet...back...draw letters on each other's backs and figure out words...

laugh...it comes after you both show up for each other.

I believe you guys won't experience a new marriage until you both make new choices...especially, when you don't feel like it.

And when you hugged and kissed on your wife, Markos, this morning...you got half of that affection into your own love bank, too...when you act from love (not from loving feelings), then you FEEL loving feelings...and you know this...and you heard her statement as something awful...

instead of repeating, "I hear you fear I won't have as much time for you this morning as you'd like, am I close?"

Hear sharing versus complaining...one can hide the other.



Leg wrestle, thumb-war, who's the most ticklish, who might just snort themselves silly when they laugh too hard?

Find out, tonight!

LA

I like that LA.

Grats markos..

For anyone who might be interested:

Saying "Hey, let's go to Wal-Mart and buy a large flat cake from the deli, take all the kids out to the park, and eat the ENTIRE CAKE as a family" is in fact a great way to deposit love units.

LOL!

If you took out the Wal-Mart part in my case, it would deposit love units. Both H and I despise Wal-Mart so we'd have to substitute.

Good news though, Markos!

In other news:

twenty hours of undivided attention time scheduled this morning for the week. And no ENQs or LBQs to have to get through to make that time unpleasant!

In other news, we missed our Saturday morning undivided attention time, and Prisca made sure to tell me she was disappointed. (In a perfect way, and I was glad to hear it.) So we had that time yesterday morning ... and all we did was talk, and talk we did, and we talked about a lot and went over a lot of things, and I think it was wonderful. I understand so much more about why our marriage took off on the wrong direction, and my wife was able to share with me so much more about what she now understands.

For the record, I do not exaggerate when I say:

My wife's Giver nearly destroyed our marriage!

Markos, there's a guy who is a "giver" who just started a thread. You whould pop in for a visit

I'll look up the thread in a minute.

Let's see if I can get the link to work:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2344551#Post2344551

Our books arrived last night! We have a pretty gigantic Marriage Builders library now, and enough material to study for the rest of the year.

Prisca is particularly interested in Fall in Love, Stay in Love, I think. I have the feeling I saw that in a used bookstore many years ago. I wish I had bought it then!

I've got my own new copy of HNHN in the car along with I Promise You, and will be spending much lunch hour out there, reading.

As part of my plan to meet my wife's emotional needs, I called her from work earlier to talk to her. As I mentioned above, the telephone is a bit of a problem, but I'd like it not to be.

The conversation went pretty well, until we hit a point where I mentioned how late it was and I had not taken my lunch break, yet. At that point she asked if I would like her to bring the kids up and meet me for lunch. I didn't want to, for a number of reasons, primarily that it was already so late. I told her so, and I could tell she just deflated. She didn't say much of anything else to me on the phone after that.

Later, she emailed me and said "I feel so lonely." I can tell there's more she'd like to say about her feelings, but I have no idea what to do about that.

Suggestions? I'd like to be able to honestly say "No, I don't think we should do that," without making her feel like I've just committed a love buster. (I don't think there was any dishonesty, independent behavior, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, annoying habits, or selfish demands in my saying I didn't want to go out for lunch.)

It makes me feel a strong disincentive not to practice radical honesty; I feel pressured to go along with things that I don't feel are a good idea for us. And also makes me fearful about the next telephone conversation, since those are already a problem.

How did you phrase your rejection? Sometimes it's all in the way we say things. See, if DH says "No I'm running late, lunch isn't a good idea." I'd feel pretty deflated too - my idea was a bad idea. If instead he said "Oh babe, I would love to eat lunch together but I'm running late today. I'm sorry because it would be nice to see you. How bout we plan lunch for tomorrow?"

When you say you didn't want to did you mean you didn't want to eat lunch with her period? Or that today was just not a good day for that? Because depending on how you said it she may have heard the former and you meant the latter.

She was putting herself out there - hoping you'd want to see her, hoping to get to spend time together. I know my day is MADE if I get to squeeze in lunch with DH. You shot her down, for a very good reason. Letting you know you love her and do want to see her but circumstances beyond your control prevent that can go a long way, suggesting an alternate solution lets her know that you do want to be with her - enough to even plan it.

Congratulations for talking on the phone and having a good conversation, too. Don't discount the whole for the ending, 'k?

I'm with Vibrissa's suggestion, btw. It's a good one.

In the above quote, I wanted to ask you if what you said there is true...seemed to me, it was a good idea for your wife and the kids; wasn't for you.

You feared being late already--was that work related? Feeling pressure of keeping your job, and were mentally tallying up the minutes spent talking with your wife, and then adding more time for lunch?

LA

One of the reasons in my mind was it sounded like the kids were already pretty rambunctious and I was thinking it might not be good for them to try to go sit in a restaurant.

Of course it would be best to discuss that with my wife.

But I'm extraordinarily uncomfortable doing that over the phone with coworkers listening in.


Something like that. I came in late this morning due to taking one of the children to the doctor. Meanwhile, my boss is essentially reporting to two different branches of management, one of which encourages us to work flexible work hours and one of which wants us here exactly at certain times and until other times, and seems to be watching closely to see who goes where when and for how long.

Leaving for lunch in the middle of the day, and coming back from lunch quite late in the day, when I already was observed coming in later (not unreasonably later, and not a problem for my boss, but later), seems like a bad idea.

And again, I feel uncomfortable discussing that over the phone with coworkers listening in, too.

Do you listen in when your coworkers talk on the phone?

What did you think of Vibrissa's suggestion?

LA

We are in an open office with no walls. It is impossible not to hear each other's telephone conversations.

Hardly anyone makes personal calls here. It's not forbidden, but people hardly ever do it.


I think it's a good idea to make sure that I don't sound like I'm saying my wife had a bad idea. But as far as suggesting lunch tomorrow, I did do that. But I didn't do it until after I heard her reaction, so maybe next time I should think about including that suggestion from the very beginning.

I also honestly don't feel like my wife believes me when I say things like "I would love to, but I don't think I can." (ETA: doesn't believe I mean I would really love to.)

As a similar example, she often sends me emails to say "I'm lonely," and I don't think it really affects her for me to say "I love you and wish I could be with you right now."

There's a 2x4 coming for me here, I just know it.

Please don't hold it back.

Is it at all possible for you to step out somewhere and call her quickly with more privacy? (I can't remember if you've mentioned this before or not) Heck, maybe even the men's room. Maybe if you say "Lemme call you back in a bit and explain" and then step out briefly and tell her what you're not comfortable having co-workers hear.

That may not be possible. When you get home today I'd walk in and, if she lets you, just give her a hug and thank her for her suggestion and calmly explain your reasons for saying no, make it clear that they have nothing to do with her and the last thing you wanted was for her to feel alone. Reassure her of your love and maybe make plans for a 'lunch date' in the near future. Tell her how you did appreciate being able to have a good phone conversation at the beginning. (I'm assuming everything I've said here is true, I wouldn't want you to lie to her)

If Prisca is anything like me, a situation like you described can get my head going into a million different reasons why you don't want to eat lunch with me, all of them involving why I'm a bad person and none of them involving anything you described as your actual reasons.

Perhaps you can come up with a code phrase or saying that you use when there is something you'd like to tell your wife but can't due to your environment. Something that lets her know that you care about her but can't talk openly and that you can discuss it later.