I have respect for you women who have patience with these types of men and an idea just came to me.

CAN YOU TRY AND REDIRECT THE BEHAVIOR?

MS Wondering did that ....and it gave me the idea.

Rather than groping, rather than you fighting them or having to explain to them could you, would you, add another sexy behavior to your arsenal to use INSTEAD OF ANY GROPING and make it attractive to both him and you?

For example, one sexy behavior I really like is when my husband slowly backs me up to a wall, then gently kisses me. He does not grope or fondle but our bodies are close as can be. It is so sexy without being "gropy".

Please try this as an experiment my women friends. Next time he gropes, look forward to the opportunity to try this new behavior.

1. He is approaching you in the kitchen and you know he will soon try to grope you.

2. Get ready to blow his mind and draw him into doing what you want him to do. Instead...

3. When he gropes, firmly grasp his hand and say: "Stop, baby and do THIS!"

4. Lead him very firmly with a smile to a nearby wall

5. Back up to the wall and pull him toward you

6. Tell him to gently kiss you and not touch you at all

7. Give him gentle kisses as a sort of reward....sexiness.

8. You would be TAKING HIS BEHAVIOR, TURNING IT AROUND, REPLACING IT WITH SOMETHING YOU COULD ACCEPT, WITH THE SAME SEXY RESULT>

9. He should get the same sexy lift out of the wall kisses since your bodies are touching. You can even squirm a bit once you get this move down or ..sometimes I ask my husband to hold my hands to the wall and kiss me (I just love this, not all women will)

I wonder if this would work or if these men just get off of annoying you....as if they were little boys. I say, redirect the little boys into MANLIKE behaviors you can live with.

You could pick another behavior that is "sexy" that you and he would like,,,,besides this wall thing. But you need to be able and ready to redirect him right away as the groping is starting. And be redirecting him all the time for a while.

Grab his nuts and squeeze real hard and tell him that it doesn't hurt and it ruins your fun when he's on the ground crying. Okay, you could do his nipples. A few twisters should cure him.

I got a better idea...

How about scheduling a 5, 10 or 15 minute groping free for all...

EVERYDAY.

Let us get it out of our system.

If not, maybe allocate us men 20-100 free grouping "touches" a day, week or month. Once we use up our allotment...that's it for the time period. Kind of like an allowance.

Seriously though, I almost like CWMI's idea. But instead of ACTUALY having him arrested for sexual assualt (O.M.G.!) get yourself a pair of handcuffs and literally cuff them. I think MOST husbands would LIKE their wives to handcuff them. It's funny and sexy and it literally arrests/stops the inappropriate touching. The URGE to grope is strong so MAYBE appropriate and welcome groping will be defined when inappropriate and unwelcome groping is punished...swiftly and severly. Add a whip or even a choke collar for more effective training.

Mr. W (snickering)

OMG. +1 +1 +1 +1. What a FANTASTIC idea to help remind of appropriate behavior! Humorous, sexy, and gets the point across without being a Love Buster. Do it without warning him. That would be the best ever.

Or handcuff the hand he used to your own hand, so he has to use his off-hand. Then walk around for a while handcuffed together as his "punishment". Man, that could be all kinds of fun!

These are all really great ideas... with the added perk that most of them will completely FREAK out the 13yo. (That's ALWAYS a plus... but then she's EASY to freak out... tee hee)

The trick will be seeing it coming early enough to intercept it beforehand otherwise I'd be rewarding the grope.

There are other issues going on right now that make me not like him very much, but at a certain point I understand having to make a choice about having a healthy marriage or cutting bait. I'm still sick with the flu right now, so I'll give myself until I finish coughing the rest of this crud out of my lungs to wallow, then as a good friend tells me, I'll get out of the pity pool, dry off, put on my big girl panties and deal with my life.

HEY!!!!!!!!

I wanna know how you were even able to type this while I had you locked in your cage! Not to mention the handcuffs and blindfold! You got some 'splainin' to do, Mister...

Mrs. W

Mr and Mrs W, I thought we had established that there is to be no flirting on this forum! For shame!

har har

Some of this groping by men is probably a holdover from when the couple was first married, and both of them did a lot of groping. Then it falls off, and some men don't realize that it is no longer tolerated, much less welcomed, behavior.

A lot of the ideas by women so far suggest diverting the behavior into acceptable forms of affection, rewarding what you like, and communicating honestly about what you don't like. That seems like the right way to do it.

One problem is that a lot of wives claim they want affection, hugging, kissing and handholding without any sexual overtones, but then they reject that, too. Or they are unresponsive, totally passive. Five seconds of hugging. Time's up. Go to work. It becomes obvious that they were not being honest.

Another problem, probably a lot less common, are women who grope. I had a friend whose wife had shut down their sex life because she was constantly bitter or angry with him about one thing or another, usually related to his job not being perfect. She enjoyed sex, but just kept it to a minimum, all on her terms. Right before he left her, he told me she would snuggle and grope him in the night, but if he woke up and thought she was in the mood for SF, she would scold him for coming on to her. He apparently got tired of the teasing.

Basically, tell him what you do not like, and why.
Tell him what you do like, and why.
Unless there is something really strange and out of the ordinary about those likes and dislikes, he should be happy to know what you like so he can please you, and what to avoid doing.
And he should not be doing things to you that you don't like, whether to cause you pain or for his own selfishness, period, non-negotiable.

That brings us to another point. Why do men grope?

Here are some possible reasons, please add to these:

1. They like to be groped themselves, it turns them on...and they do not understand that women are different than them.

2. Groping is the easiest and fastest way the lazy lover can get his groove on.

3. They do not know sophistocated or gentle ways to initiate sex so they grope in ignorance of better ways.

4. They do not quite understand how offensive they are when they grope

5. They are "tough" so they do not understand that groping can hurt a woman.

6. They watch porn and porn women apparantly "like" groping

7. They never learned to do sex the best way.

8. They were not directed by thier wives at the beginning of the marriage, and were "allowed to grope" therefore they dont see anything wrong with it. At this late date they probably figure that if she stops the groping on Monday in the kitchen, she is JUST IN A BAD MOOD THAT DAY!

9. They have no understanding of women who raise children all day or nurse babies. And have no understanding of the demands on women.

10. They have no idea what turns on a regular woman.

11. They assume that what they like and what turns them on also turns the woman on. INSTANTLY. Men can be instantly turned on by:

a) Nakedness
b) Showing their penis to the woman (yeah right, that should do it...)
c) Walking in the room
d) Groping a female
e) A cute neighbor walking by in a short skirt
f) Porn
g) Flirting with a woman not thier wife
h) Reading about sex
i) Sexy pictures
j) Stress at work
k) A good meal? (guessing here)
l) Alcohol?
m) Being touched by the wife or a "woman".

TAC, the advice you got today leaves me as disgusted as reading what your H does to you. I understand that other folks have fun groping, and if you had a nice H who was having fun with you, instead of at your expense, when you're having no fun at all, I could see how the advice could apply. But you have been clear for years that you feel violated when this happens, yet it continues. I pray that you find the strength to create a healthier environment for yourself. You don't have to accept unacceptable behavior.

That's a pretty complete list of the immature male attitudes about arousal. Unfortunately, a lot men over age 22 still believe a lot of that. Of course, the "role models" in TV, film, and other entertainment aren't demonstrating much in the way of mature relationships.

How many movies can you think of that had anything close to a respectful relationship between the husband and wife? How many recent movies (last 30 years)? Can you think of any which demonstrate MB principles?

Bubbles I got a good laugh at your post I guess I am not the only one whose H thinks showing off his man parts counts as foreplay. I have found that just giving them a bored stare when they start waving it around will fix that pretty quickly.

Someone really should post a memo to the male population that when a woman is in "mommy mode" and covered in baby spit up and whatnot that it is not a good time to try to initiate sex, with or without groping.

If all else fails the next time your H grabs a handful of a sensitive body part and squeezes real hard, grab his and squeeze back. it shouldnt take long for him to figure out that there are some places where a gentle touch is better.

Not all men are immature.

Hey I just got an idea. Groping to me is like a husband treating his wife like a prostitute. It is similar to that minus the money.

1. Prostitutes let a man do just what HE wants for HIS pleasure
2. Prostitutes do not have sex for THIER pleasure
3. A man groping a prostitute is normal
4. Men dont have to love or respect prostitutes.
5. Men coldly use the body of a prostitute without regard for what she wants.

So, these husbands who grope thier wives are simply getting free prostitution.

So.....MAKE HIM PAY every time he gropes. I mean MAKE HIM PAY YOU AS A PROSTITUTE GETS PAID...WITH A C-NOTE!!!

Your man is treating you no better than a prostitute, there primarily for HIS pleasure.

Each and every time he gropes you, or when he will not shave to become sexier for you, or if he is otherwise unpleasant or selfish or lazy in bed- STOP THE ACTION AND DEMAND YOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS RIGHT THEN AND RIGHT THERE.

Maybe these cheap husbands will get the message after a while if it costs them too many hundreds!

No one here is saying that all men are immature. We are trying to understand men, and husbands who are both mature and immature.......... and mature men who repeatedly do hurtful, immature behaviors.

Ladies, bottom line here; we grope you because we think you have nice bodies and those bodies turn us on. We are expressing to you how sexually attractive we think you are. It is an expression of our sexual desire for you.

The problem is, when you refuse those gropes, it can be taken similarly to refusing sex, a rejection of our sexual desire and therefore a rejection of us (because a man's sex drive is a LARGE and POWERFUL part of his being), and many people do NOT take rejection well, since it tends to hurt, especially coming from someone we love.

Bottom lining it again; when you ladies object to your husband's groping, he may take it as a rejection, which hurts him. He may therefore respond in a way that hurts you back-hence the continued groping despite objections. It's a primitive, almost instinctive reaction, not well thought out. If he really stopped to think about it, he'd most likely stop, unless he was a real jerk.

Now I'm NOT saying the answer is just to let him continue to grope you, not if by doing so he ultimately makes you not want to even come within arms reach of him. Obviously you've got to get him to stop, and help him find a way to express how sexy he thinks your body is, without turning you off in the process. Others have already given some good suggestions (except for the one about charging him money-not only is that a total DJ on a husband's possible motivations, what if he just refuses to pay? Or totally withdraws and stops touching you at all?)

I'd like to see everyone who is dealing with this head to their state legislative website and look up the code law defining sexual battery, print it out, and next time he comes in for a grope, tell him to STOP and hand him the printout.

If 'not hurting you' is not enough of an incentive to stop this awful behavior, perhaps the thought of his pretty face on the Sex Offender Registry is.

By all means, teach him about what good touch is for you, and give him some guidance in ways to flirt (it's been my experience that the guys who do this think it's 'flirting', ugh) that will GET him what he wants. Like coming up behind you and giving you a hug is nice and welcome, but coming up behind you, grabbing your breasts and dry-humping your rear is not. Until invited.

How about the "let's have sex, it will cure anything" attitude that some (my) husband displays? His attitude is true in many cases but not in every case. I guess I'm feeling as though he should know the difference.

My job is on the line. It doesn't have a whole lot to do with me and my performance but a lot to do with my department being a cost center and the fact that the revenue being created from it is not panning out to expectations. The frustrating thing is that this is not necessarily our fault. This particular department was created AS a cost center to perform a key function and that function is being performed. What's happening is that deals are not being closed by the outside sales guys from these leads. Partnerships with locally based companies with well formed business connections are providing better leads and jobs leads that close. I spent 2 hours on the hot seat yesterday defending our efforts, offering up ideas to make us more valuable to the company as a whole...and got nowhere.

I'm not seeing a long future in this job. In fact, we all got written up. Not for non-performance...we are all doing what we are supposed to do. It was for things we can not directly control which is frustrating. Management's solution is something I don't see leading us out of this hole and I fear we're being set up now for failure and justification to let us all go. From the president's point of view and limited marketing/bus development knowledge, I can see his point. However, I wish he'd offered us an opportunity to re-tool a bit to see if it works better for the company rather than saying "no, just keep doing what you are doing but we're going to raise the bar and expect more output of the same thing (that isn't working)"

I came home totally discouraged to the point of tears. I went straight to bed with a huge headache. I'm stressed and at the wall. If I had a husband who had a steady job, I could have had the luxury of planning out my resignation.

I'm digressing from the subject but to get back to that, here's what happened.

I came home and was totally honest with H about how upset I was about this meeting. I didn't want to be hugged, held, patted on the back, etc. I wanted to be left alone to stew in my own juices. I went to bed, leaving him in charge of kids and dinner.

Later that evening, he comes to bed and starts making overtures. I was still in tears. I told him no. He got upset. He said that SF would take my mind off of it. I told him I was beyond the stratosphere in anxiety and nothing would take my mind off of it. In fact, I really wanted to pack a bag and run away.

He got very angry, didn't like being "rejected" and said "I'm trying to make you feel better and you're not having any of it. So fine, sit there and stew."

Yup, that's a real turn-on folks.

I'm using this example as an example of times when my husband just does not take my feelings into consideration, but turns it around on me...my choosing to not engage in something "fun" is making me more miserable so he is choosing to be angry with me for being stupid about it.

I agree with with Macnut .....

The problem is, when you refuse those gropes, it can be taken similarly to refusing sex, a rejection of our sexual desire and therefore a rejection of us (because a man's sex drive is a LARGE and POWERFUL part of his being), and many people do NOT take rejection well, since it tends to hurt, especially coming from someone we love.

Bottom lining it again; when you ladies object to your husband's groping, he may take it as a rejection, which hurts him.

But I have also been in this position on many occasions my H has said the same thing about rejecting him.

But I have also been the one being groped .... its not fun , its more annoying than anything, at times it hurts ! H has not done this for many years just because I rejected him at every turn.

A twist to the jewels maybe the only answer ...... sad to say if you tried everything else & he still is not gettin it.

But I really do like the stop groping & showing how you want to be touched or backing him against the wall. I just have to rememeber that instead of instinct which is to reject.

Toward the end of my marriage whenever my Wxh would walk past me when I was sitting down and pull himself out and flop it around an inch from my face...(yeah a big turnon huh?) I took to punching him as hard as I could in the inside upper thigh. I actually think it worked. But I don't really recommend it. After all I'm divorced now. LOL


My um, new man backs me up against the wall while I am in the kitchen doing kitchen stuff. I will take that ANY day whether it is called groping or not.