I grope my husband.. lots.. he seems not to mind.

I actually had to teach my husband that it was ok to grope at me because he's always been really gentlemanly and shy about initiating anything and I got tired of that all being on me so I've encouraged him to be much more forwards with my body, but I love the way it feels and he is always sensitive to my reaction and will stop in a heartbeat if I'm not clearly enjoying it.

I also get tons of the romantic loving affection so I never feel like a piece of meat. I wouldn't like it so much if he wasn't respecting me the rest of the time.

I keep getting the distinct impression that there is an adversarial relationship going on between the husbands and wives where "groping" has become a very negative issue - it's almost a game of "keep away"...With the wives viewing sex as something they OWN that they can decide to give or not and the husbands viewing sex as something they must GET/TAKE...If you think about it, that is a strange dynamic in a MARRIAGE - Sex was DESIGNED to be SHARED - DESIGNED to make the two of you ONE FLESH - and NOT as a "give and take" deal, but as a SHARE deal...

"Groping" *appears to me* to be a reaction to sex being something a man must "GET/TAKE" from the "GATEKEEPER OF SEX", the woman...What if that dynamic changed? What if you decided to think of sex as something FOR the both of you? As sustenance...Something that would make the marriage stronger - something that would bond the two of you firmly together...What if having sex with your spouse was thought of as something you GET to do, rather than something you HAVE to do? How might that change things? I wonder if a lot of "gropers" might change their behavior if sex were to become less elusive????

This issue kinda reminds me of what your body does if you starve it - when your body and mind act as ADVERSARIES...The mind chooses not to feed the body, so the body grabs any tiny morsel that it is fed and stores it - The body says, "ACK, I better to hold on to this crumb for dear life, because who knows when I'll get another - Who cares that it's just a bite sized candy bar and doesn't have all the vitamins and nutrients that I need? I MUST TAKE IT - MINE, MINE, MINE!!!"

But what happens when the mind realizes that not cooperating with the body means that neither of them function at optimum levels? Instead, the mind makes the choice to feed the body properly...So now, BOTH function far better of course - the body isn't storing improper things and putting on unwanted weight - so the mind feels better about the body - the body no longer has to grab every crumb - instead it can relax and know that it is being fed regularly and won't have to worry about it's survival - it will be taken care of - it TRUSTS that it will be taken care of - Ahhhhhhh, a sound mind inside a sound body - What a GREAT TEAM! Phew...stress levels go down - and things hum along quite nicely - The body and mind now function as they were DESIGNED to function...as ONE - as TEAM MATES...

To me, the marital relationship is VERY MUCH like the mind/body relationship - and it all comes down to a shift in perspective - from adversary to team mate - to viewing the marriage as something of GREAT VALUE, that you BOTH have big interest and stakes in...I can see where negotiating with the ENEMY would be very difficult - near impossible even - but negotiating with a TEAM MATE isn't the same - the TEAM is of equal importance to each of the team mates, right? A team failure of any kind impacts the team negatively - therefore it impacts each individual that is part of the team negatively...Anyone who is on the team doesn't want that, right? A true team wants each of it's team mates in a "win" position - I mean who doesn't want their team to win?

The solution, though it may seem overly simplistic to many, is to FALL ROMANTICALLY IN LOVE with each other...Marriage Builders provides the perfect guide to doing just that...One of the most surprising things that I've learned here is that it is MY RESPONSIBILITY to ensure that Mr. W remains in love with me - I do that by eliminating love busters and meeting his needs - I make sure that I am never the source of his unhappiness - and vice versa...Each person is responsible for "cleaning up their side of the street"...

Many of you are here without your spouse, so yes, that very well may mean that you have to "go first" - But if the goal is to have a happy marriage - and you know that to do so there must be romantic love - AND you are here and are reading HOW to achieve romantic love - and you desire to become a team with your spouse - then, so what? Who cares who goes first? Lay down arms and decide today to change the dynamic in your marriage - choose to be on your spouse's team - CHOOSE TO BE LOVABLE - to work the program - decide to eliminate love busters and meet emotional needs...

Our choices determine our destiny...

Mrs. W

MrsWondering,

I agree with you, and I have said before that many men and women see SF as THEIR emotional need, something for them to receive, rather than something they are giving as an expression of their love.

Its a real problem when one spouse does reach this level of thinking about sex in marriage, and the other person still thinks of it in a selfish way about getting instead of giving.

If the man has this Getting Mentality, he might think he is owed sexual relations in exchange for providing financial security or something else. "Success" in getting SF for himself becomes a numbers game; if his "success rate" is low, he just needs to try more times in order to hit his numbers.

If the woman has this Getting Mentality, she is not going to understand a husband who is trying to express his love to her through their sexual relationship. That husband is most likely very respectful, shows lots of honest affection in public and private, and does not grope or otherwise act in demeaning ways. But his wife's filters have her seeing him as a selfish lout, no different than all the other men, who she also does not respect.

I dread the day that I have no desire to grope the DW. I pray it never comes.