Okay, I'm back from my BIG trip. Had a very good time, but had some things happened that were not very good. <P>Very, very nice hotel, great view, great workshops, got blasted on gin and tonics for three outta four nights. <P>That's not very good thing number one. <P>Ate really, realy well (probably put on 5 pounds) listened to some fun music, visited a street faire, went in with two others from our office on a gift for OM, who was left behind. <P>That's not very good thing number two.<P>Slept really well, looked great, met some new friends, and saw some people I haven't seen for years - especially one person (who I didn't know would be there), who used to be attracted to me eight years ago (the last time I saw him), and oddly enough, still is, but would never get in the way of my marriage. I know that because I went for a walk with him last night and he told me. He's single, BTW, and I kept the wedding ring on and my vows intact, but if it feels wrong, we ALL know what that means, IT IS! <P>That's the very worst thing number three.<P>Frankly, I don't know why I'm telling you all this. I guess, as usual, I know how I sound, and I know how I feel. I feel like a slut. I didn't do anything, but it won't look good when I tell my H.<P>My H, in the meantime, is at a Christian men's retreat in the mountains. <P>We both agreed that this weekend would be the make or break it weekend. Both of us are still very, very unhappy with each other. We love each other, but aren't **in love**. Call it what you will, but it's real, the lack of this feeling. If both of us feel this way (my H and I), then it matters. <P>So, my H will return tomorrow, although I'll talk to him briefly tonight over the phone. It's been nice to not have to worry about things (nothing like room service!) and to feel somewhat independent (not have to check-in if I want to stay out late) but it all felt wrong anyway. <P>I did bring my journal, and I wrote in it, but not about last night's walk yet. I don't want to face the fact that I'm so unhappy. <P>I don't know if you all believe in Satan, or the force of evil, but I am wondering why that man from my past would show up at this juncture of my life. I am beginning to believe that I'm being sorely tested, and not by God. God knows how vulnerable I am, and I don't think He would throw men in my face. I feel just terrible. <P>As always, pray for a good outcome. My H will come back and either be prepared to leave me or to try again (and again, and again). I honestly still want it to work out with him.<P>Thanks for listening (reading! ).<P><BR>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited October 23, 1999).]

Hey, Sheryl. Maybe you WERE tested!!! I don't doubt it a bit. I think that we're tested regularly, usually when we're the least up to it. (Timing's impeccable, huh?)<P>Guess what? You passed. You really passed. <P>Ok, maybe you're not so proud of all the things that you did. You were so very tired and stressed, I can imagine that you DID enjoy this little break. Who wouldn't? But, as you said, you kept your marriage vows in tact, you stayed aware of your behavior and you didn't discount those "feeling" of wrong. But, after the strain you've been under, I'd say not too shabby, friend.<P>When you tell hubby, you don't have to do so with your head down. You did pretty good.<P>Don't stop working at it, Sheryl. Remember the moments that feel good with him. <P>So, after bad one, two and three, do you at least feel like you got a LITTLE rest???????<P>Lori

Yes, Lori, I did get a rest! <P>I almost didn't want to come home. I kinda wished that I could've stayed just one more day after everyone else left. But alas, I couldn't afford it. It was a work thing, but a HUGE work thing - something like 100 colleges represented. Lots and lots of people, lots of workshops, etc.<P>I will look back on this time as mostly wonderful.<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

~Sheryl,<P>Yes, you passed!<P>The devil was pulling you... and pulling you... but you withheld!<P>Two strikes... but not the third!<P>You're not out!!!<P>I pray for more strength for you!<BR>You have your heart, head and everything in the right place!<P>Jim

Thanks Jim,<P>But honestly, if I hadn't felt so tempted by the whole thing I wouldn't feel so guilty about it, I know!<P>You can imagine... a resort hotel in a strange city, a night lit only by the moon, a walk away from the rest of civilization - IT WAS TOUGH. I guess that's why I don't feel like I "passed" as much as I feel like Ijust barely scraped by... and everyone will agree, I'm sure, that if one of us would have really, really pushed the other, something might have happened. Now THAT would have been a test. God save me from that kind of test.<P>The only other GOOD thing, if you can call this that, is that I have no other secret admirers that I know of out there. So, at least I won't be surprised. It honestly was a very terrible feeling at this very trying time of my life.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Sheryl don't feel guilty for feeling good when your H isn't there. It's a step in the right direction for you and H towards trusting each other. There will always be work things where you are allowed to enjoy yourself and you know the boundaries.<P>It's great that you still want to work it out with him, that was the real test! Good luck whenhe returns.

Hi NB -<P>Welcome back!!!<P>Don't feel bad....you did good!!<P>You know why I think you felt so tempted? <P>I think that it was the opportunity of being in a stress-free environment as far as "relationship" problems, everyday life problems, etc. You were able to relax a bit and forget your worries.<P>Add in a pampered couple of days, like not having to cook, tend to kids, think of the bills, and everything else your real life entails and one can get carried away by the "freeness" of it all.<P>I don't think it was so much the guy as it was the change of environment and pressure!! You and H need to do some things like that and I bet you would be just as tempted on a carefree moonlit nite!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<BR>

HI,<BR> I agree with Sheba! It happens to a LOT of people on vacation (Alone). Moon, stars and stress EVERYWHERE ELSE and BOOM sparks. <BR> See this guy in the mall and he's just another guy. <BR> The devil WILL try and trick you. He is SLY!! He knows when to strike. All he wants is your marriage to add to his belt. And once he's won. ALL will fall around you and his laughter will be deafening!! Careful, you are doing great!! Once you learn to see the signs, RUN and you'll be safe and happy. Still praying for you. Frank<P>------------------<BR>desperate<P>

Okay, so my H called, and stupid me... I blurted it out. He wasn't surprised, because he had "a feeling" that the man would be there. Thing is, two years ago, when I wasn't there, he was there, and my friend from work told me about it. So, my H remembered that. I didn't.<P>I feel bad because I didn't want to ruin my H's weekend, but he said his is bad already anyway so it's okay. Still makes me feel bad. I just couldn't keep it in. I guess that's one of the side effects of this stuff. Can't keep my mouth shut.<P>So, to answer you who replied (and thank you):<P>awoken, <P>Yes, I can see what you're saying. We are still so raw though, makes it tough.<P>Sheba,<P>Yeah, well... doing good is in the eye of the beholder, I think. I feel like crap. But thanks for all the well-wishes...<P>Frank,<P>Thanks for the prayers. See all the places above where I say how crappy I feel. I agree about Satan, he is wily, and he is, unfortunately, very busy in my life right now!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited October 23, 1999).]

Sheryl,<BR>Yes, Satan is real and he was very busy testing you. God allows you to go through those situations to let you show Satan how much you love God. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER forget that God is always with you. You did extremely well. YOU DEFINITELY PASSED THAT TEST. Satan can only do what God allows him to do.<P>As far as your in love thing, I have no words of wisdom for that. I do know that your love for God is not an in love kind of thing. Once you love Him then you will desire to love your H as you love Him. This love does not feel, it is through actions and it gives you peace. I can honestly say that I have never had the in love feeling for my W, yet, I love her dearly with God's unconditional love which supersedes the in love thing. I am not saying that the in love thing is not important because God created that feeling for a reason. It is just that Satan perverts the in love thing to a point where it is not what God intended for it to be.<P>YOU DID GREAT!!!!! MONDO HUG!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

One thing I'd like to add is this:<P>This man and I talked for quite a while. Although he is still attracted, he WOULD NOT do anything to harm my marriage, and said that. We talked about so much, and we did talk about my mid-life crisis and the affair I had. We also talked about his girlfriend (not very serious, he said). I know that was probably wrong, but I'm so terribly honest with everyone lately. But what I mostly wanted to say is that he treated me respect. He was strong. I think that was really helpful to avoid any further problems. I don't want to make it sound like I was so big and strong about this, and he was pressuring me in any way. It wasn't that way.<P>Thanks, and now I hope it doesn't sound like I'm sticking up for the guy. It's just that I can't in all honesty take full credit. <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Thanks Rob,<P>It is always nice to lifted up with words of wisdom. <P>Satan is way too real... I sometimes wonder though if we give him too much credit?? <P>Hmmm... something to think about...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Sheryl,<P>Just a few things I'd like to point out about that guy you saw during your trip:<P>First of all, when he said he wouldn't do anything to threaten your marriage... <B>yeah, right!</B> Then why did he take a nice long walk with you in the moonlight? And why did he talk with you about your troubles? He was planting the seeds, that's why! I know this kind of operation. I've played it. It's an unconcious thing maybe (I've only just realized that about myself). But that's what he's doing. Look, you're even sticking up for him, so it worked a little.<P>Secondly, he admitted to you he was attracted to you. Hello?! More seeds planted! Look, if a guy doesn't want to get in the way of a woman's marriage, really and truly, then he's not going to say "I'm attracted to you but I'm not going to intrude on your marriage." Instead, he'd not say anything at all. Saying something like that only makes him look better, more noble, and hence more attractive to the woman.<P>Good grief -- he even said that he wasn't serious with his current girlfiend!! What's that supposed to mean except to tell you that he's available!<P>I'm not saying this guy is a snake. I'm saying that he might be unconciously maneuvering into a better position. When you take that into consideration, then I think you'll agree with me that you didn't just "scrape by". You passed with <B>flying colors</B>, girl!<P>Besides all that, it does sound like this trip was good for you. You had fun with friends, you had no worries, you got rest. Good, good, and good!<P>BTW, why is getting blasted on gin and tonics a bad thing? <P>--andy<p>[This message has been edited by airheart (edited October 23, 1999).]

hey andy,<P>So...how are ya??<P>First of all - OUCH!! Am I THAT dense??<BR>I already feel like crying at the drop of a hat, so now I have to think about what a dork I am? Geez...<P>I do feel like crap, maybe because somewhere inside, I knew before you even said it.<P>And I only sorta-kinda stuck up for him because I didn't want it to seem like I was so super-duper strong. I'm not.<P>air-hug, buddy <P><BR>Oh, and BTW: the gin and tonics are yummy - but did I need FIVE of them? I think not!! <BR>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited October 23, 1999).]

Hey Sheryl, I'm not saying you're dense! Far from it! For one thing, things are not so obvious when you're right in the middle of what's happening. Not to mention I could be wrong about the whole thing anyway!<P>Just trying to get you to not be so hard on yourself (obviously I failed!). It's just that when you take into consideration that the guy might've had a hidden agenda, added to your vulnerable state, I'd say you did very well indeed, contrary to your own belief. It takes objectivity.<P>I'll tell ya one thing, I'd hate to have that kinda test thrown at me. I have a feeling I'd fail miserably!<P>air-hug back atcha!<BR>--andy

I don't understand why you placed yourself in the same position again....with a man that is attracted to you....being alone with him....and confiding in your personal problems with a person in whom you hadn't seen in a long time....

NB<BR>Gotta tell you - I read something very important in your first post. <BR>You said you felt like a slut. Good news...you aren't one of those. A slut never feels like a slut.<BR>Soooo.....give yourself a break and be proud that you have morals and a conscience. There REALLY are some people out there who don't.

NoTrust,<P>Good question. And I'd put money on the fact that you don't really want to hear my answer: but here goes. I keep hoping that there is a way to be friendly, a way to talk about personal things without it turning into a major catasrophy. I keep thinking that there's a way to be myself without having to worry that every man is after my body or soul. I mean, I'm not Miss America or anything, and it *has* been eight years, and just because it happened before doesn't mean it would happen again. And then, of course, I was plastered outta my head. I am well aware of how idiotic I appear. You aren't the only one who doesn't understand why I sometimes do the things I do. I will add this though... I am feeling very vulnerable. That's clear to everyone, including myself. I have been feeling a bit stronger lately, and I honestly thought I could handle it. And then there's this part of me that, at some point, says "I can't handle this anymore and I don't care". I know it's hard for you to understand.<P>wasstubborn,<P>Thank you. I hope you're right about that. I have sat here near tears all night because of this thing. I'm almost afraid to let go and feel this because if I do, then I have to admit that my H and are just aren't making it. You should have heard him on the phone. It was so sad. My friend who drove me to the conference said to me today that she sees me as a sad, confused, hurting person. She thinks that my H and I aren't going to make it. She's known me for 10 yrs. and says that I have been unhappy for all of them with little bits of contrived happiness in between. She thinks my H is a very nice and beautiful man (he really is GORGEOUS) but that he and I are just not compatible. With friends like these... huh??<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited October 24, 1999).]

Sheryl,<BR> STOP feeling guilty right now !!!! Yes I believe in satan, I believe in God more tho. <BR> Yes the devil tried all he could to trip and trap you, BUT God helped you to overcome him ! It is satan trying to make you feel guilty, he couldn't get you to give in so he figures he'll beat you over the head with the very temptation he tried to overwhelm you with. The devil doesn't play fair, if he did he wouldn't be the devil now would he ? <BR> Hold your head up ! As for feelings, you and h have to start doing things together as a couple again, Love is a deision not merely an emotion ! Think about it.<BR> I know this can be done, I can't tell you how much resentment I felt toward my h and he toward me, it takes time and work, but you can take up the old foundation and repair and renew it and build something even better !!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

new_beginning,<BR>You certainly don't need "helpful" friends like that! Why would anyone say something like that - how is telling you you aren't going to make it going to help you? If you were not "compatible" you would have discovered that many, many years ago. That is just a cop-out. I got to admit that the first thing I thought of when I read that was what is in it for her if you and your H split - but maybe I am just overly suspicious.