There used to be a couple of goofy threads that survived for years on here, that have sorta went away. I hope this thread stays around for a long time. Those who post or want to post need a place THEY feel safe. The emphasis on focused Harley help that has taken over this forum (Dr. Harley did it) is a good thing So this is a new thread to replace the old two with a shift in emphasis to comply with the good Dr.'s directive.

Larry

Even the smallest part Scottish makes you Scottish.

Larry

americajin (12) posts so far did a terrific post on brandon's thread.

Larry

My paternal grandparents always said they were Scottish. Although their last names were both Irish in origin, they would get ANGRY if you said they were Irish. HAHAHAHA. They lived here for almost 50 years and NEVER lost the accent. Now when I hear it, I miss them.

My maternal grandparents are/were Italian and Serbian. Just IMAGINE the Christmases when I was growing up. I often joke that I can argue with MYSELF anytime.

I apparently don't look enough like any of my roots, noone claims me.

And to that vet who might leave. I will understand but you will be MISSED.

And the winner is

The collective wisdom on this board is amazing. I was an absolute wreck after ILUBNILWU and I was one of the BH's who was so emotionally beat down by my exWW that I was prepared to have less than state guidelines for visitation, pay her alimony, and pay her more than state guidelines for child support. I felt that I had to attone for my shortcomings.

Marriagebuilders gave me the strength to look at the situation and realize it had nothing to do with what I did right or wrong. It was all about exWW. She is the one who is broken. Not me.

I never had a chance at recovery. I ended up with a Walk Away Wife with no remorse over what she did and who blames me for everything. Because of this, I never had the chance to practice MB principles with my exWW. But, where I can add my expertise is helping BH's protect themselves from a WW who is out to destroy them.

MarriageBuilders gave me control in a situation I can't control.It gave me the strength to fight for my kids and not settle for anything less than 50/50. One thing, my resolve has shocked my ex WW and was what she did not expect. I was always a doormat in the relationship and she was expecting me to roll over in the divorce.

Prior to finding MB's, I was affraid to lose family, I was affraid to lose my house, I was affraid to lose my life savings. Yet, to sooth those fears, I would have had to trade my dignity and finance the exWW's affair.

I sold the house 15 days before foreclosure and walked away with 5K. THe house sold at about 70% of what it appraised for two years earlier. I filed for bankruptcy, she will get half my retirement. Yet, I was able to maintain my dignity and have the kids 50/50. I took a huge shot to the chin and got up off the mat at the count of 9. She expected me to stay down. I got up and came out swinging!

Does she really get half your retirement or a formula that allows her half to date and you get half, plus 100% of the formula from divorce date until retirement?

50/50 on the kids makes it worth it, imho.

Nice post, the kinda thing I am looking for here.

Larry

Late night entertainment. Midnight, after April fools is over, up shows billionz post. Read the, uh, interesting posts there. And of at least as much interest, I notice several posters who don't have a lot to say sometimes, evidently read a lot.

Was she a troll or was she real. I vote for real. You can't make up stuff like she was posting, can you?

Larry

I was curious. I too had to get out of there. I vote for real too but who knows?

I have Douglas (my ancestor's name is on the wall at Edinburgh Castle) Campbell, and Macfarlane, and a wee bit of Cherokee on the side. My older sister looked Native American, My younger sister looks Irish, my brother looked Hispanic, and I look... french. or blonde. or slavic. Depends who you ask. My mother got a lot of pointed questions with her oldest looking Indian, the next hispanic, the next French/European/slavic, and the next Irish.
Hair: Brown, black, blonde, red.
Eyes: Green, brown, blue/grey, blue.

And yet...we all looked alike. It is astonishing to go through old pictures and see the similarities.
And one of my sons, blond though he is, looks very much like my brother, who looked hispanic.

Very odd, all of it.

Good Morning Message:

See it is that teaching is one of the best ways of learning. And by posting to the threads that attract your attention, you teach and by teaching, you learn and around and around you go. Example; I want to say something to someone who is hurting. But my mind draws a blank. I understand that someone's situation, can relate to it and just haven't a clue other than "Have a nice day." If they're from New York City, that almost sounds like an insult.

So, I hike off to grab a book (SAA is a good one) or read Dr. Harley's basic concepts or whatever and there it is, what to say. Off I go to post. and of course, I have learned or relearned something that is good for me too. By staying close to the message of MB concepts, I not only have something to say, I can say it in words that mean something.

Here is a good quote:


At my own peril, I am going to disagree with Mel. What she said makes sense in one context. In another, she is saying that what she knew BEFORE she discovered the tools here screwed up her marriage. WITH the tools she learned up close and personal here and her other interactions in the MB program, she now knows a whole lot about having a great marriage. Why heck, I can remember, uh ... oh never mind.

Larry

My .02 about billionz or whoever, I think it's most likely she was an OW escapee from the TOW board.

She didn't ask for any help, and was only half-heartedly making justifications. It sounded mostly like she wanted to get some people riled.

And yes, people can make stuff like that up. With all due humility, I could have done far better.

Missed billzon or what evers posts - must have been something.


Its good friday - I have to clean house, prepare a song for sunday and wrangle my three boys. DH suggested I get a pedicure but yeah right like I have time for that. Sweet of him to suggest it though. Oh well - moping floors - happy easter all - see you monday.

Pay attention to the thread by Tinkerbell. See her transformation from a wreck to someone who is getting more centered? THIS is what this forum and Dr. Harley's concepts are ... all ... about.

Larry

PS: Take a look at brandon as well. He is in process of getting his manhood back from the jar on the nightstand and doing way better. See the difference you guys are making? by guys I mean guys and gals. . . Don't yell at me Scottie, again.

L

Now here is a really, really great post:


I am NOT going to reveal the source, yet. Lessee what he/she comes back with.

Larry

I liked that one too. It made me feel good about that response. I was like, "About time, ONE of them(us) gets it."

I was glad I could help get this response(not that I am taking credit teehee)

Also, Larry, I am one of the "guys." I was kidding last night when you said you wanted a female perspective. I think of myself as a human FIRST and then a GIRL. I am definitely NOT a girly girl though.

I am an American.



I figured this out when I traveled to other countries.



SB

What has MB meant to me?


I came here as a desperate heap of tears, wondering "WHY?" and searching for answers to my questions about what had happened to my marriage.

My marriage had been nuked, in the blink of an eye, by my husband of 30 years and his other woman who had once been what I had considered a friend.

Together, they decided to have a physical affair. The two of them thought that what I didn't know would not hurt me. They decided that the problems in her marriage, and the problems in my marriage, could somehow be salved by emotionless and salacious sexual encounters in clandestine places between the two of them. They thought that if they never told then nothing would be wrong with it, and nobody would ever be hurt.

They were wrong, weren't they?


They were wrong on so many levels we cannot count.


I came to Marriage Builders soon after d-day, and I read. I signed up under one username at first, and then somehow changed over to Schoolbus a few weeks later. I read for hours, because after I had searched the Internet for what seemed like weeks, I had come up empty when it came to true help for what ailed me.

My heart ached, my soul was burned so deeply its shadow was etched into the pavement beneath my feet. I tentatively logged into the Discussion Forum, and found topics on surviving affairs and emotional needs. I had emotions, and I had needs.

Most of all, I needed SURVIVAL.

It was to be found, here.

I found that no matter what thread I poured through, there was advice for me. I gobbled up the collective knowledge of Plank and Mel, BobPure and ManInMotion, Pep and many others. The good and the bad - it ALL mattered to me. I read everything here, because somehow each thread gave me a glimpse into something that touched a little point on one star in the galaxy that made up my marriage.

A little at a time, every day, I learned.

I found my way through that rough terrain, rode the rollercoaster, and made friends with the members here. Some came for a day, some came and went over a month or two, some came and stayed. Others were here when I got here, and will be here when I leave for good.

I have left for periods of time, and come back for little views or a recharge.


Marriage Builders got me through something that, on d-day and the months afterward, I did not believe I would make it through. I look back and know that if I had been on my own, my marriage would not have survived. I did not have the tools in my marital toolbox to work this one out - the repair kit in this marriage was empty. Marriage Builders gave me those tools.


Is our marriage perfect now? Nope. Is it better than I expected? Yep. Do I think I could handle a problem in my marriage today? You BET.


I often look at the new posters and wonder if they are anyone I have sent here. Because, I have sent a LOT.

SB

The property division split will be closer to 60% her, 40% me. We were married a year out of college so all of our retirement savings happened after we were married. She was a SAHM 6/10 years we were married. She jumped jobs a few times before staying home, I was with the same company for the entire marriage.

When you do the math, about half of my retirement will be going to her. Plus, even with 50/50 shared custody, I am absorbing 100% of the financial burden of raising the kids. This whole process has taken us from a comfortable upper middle class standard of living to lower middle class. 40% of my gross goes to child support, daycare, health insurance and taking care of the kids.

My exWW continually complains about me �making� her stay home with the kids. It was a choice we made together. In hindsight, if I knew she was leaving me for a homeless, toothless, unemployed deadbeat dad, I would have made her stay in the workforce. But, you never expect the one who made vows to you to forsake all others to break them.

When I look at friends who are in a SAHP arrangement, I question their wisdom in doing it now. If one parent strays, it will be like lighting off a nuclear bomb in the entire family�s financial future. There is just no fair way when you split a single income family unit in two households. The money just isn�t there unless the SAHP gets a good job.

My exWW is exhibit number one of how bad the fog and addiction of an affair can be. I just redid our 2008 taxes to reflect us filing jointly so now I finally have an idea of the financial damage her affair did to us. She had given me all of her bank statements and business records post separation date in 2008.

When I added up the numbers, as soon as she filed the TRO to get me out of the house and move POSOM in, our monthly household expenses shot up over $3000 per month. Yet, there will be little to no legal recourse for me. The expenses were: $1500 for my apartment and other expenses, $350 / month in increased grocery bills, $800 /mo in feed and hay for POSOM�s horses, $700 / mo in daycare as exWW had to get a job.

The kicker is we had the perfect arrangement for a long separation until she could get on her feet. We had two houses on our property! But, POSOM was homeless and needed a place to live. His needs came before hers or the kids and the courts let her do it. There is just no logic to the waywardness.

My bh keeps tellong me its cheaper to keep me - we can't afford a divorce . Plus we have kids. After reading this I think he might be right.

But at least it gives me the chance to restore our marriage

Of course there are huge differences between your xww and me

1) I confessed the very next day and defogged immediatly
2) I would cheerfuly drop posom and his friends who raped me at 200 yards like bambis mama in deer season
3) I work full time and earn half the family income
4) Did I mention that I shoot very well and would love to put one bullet center body mass? (Not really but its nice to day dream)

Still at least for a fww - cheaper to keep her - works in my favor