Last night WW shared with me that she heard there is now at least one rumor around our relatively small town that she is moving into a condo (true) and has a boyfriend (at this point probably not true).

She doesn't like it one bit.

What am I supposed to say (rhetorical)? I don't think it's particularly funny because it reflects on the kids and could affect them at school.

But what does she expect (rhetorical agian)? In the last year she spent a LOT of time with OM#1(all last summer) in the neighborhood, going to the gym, out on the front porch, and who-knows where else; all in public view. This fall it was the OTHER neighbor - shopping, tanning salon, etc. She went house hunting with this guy right across from D8's school- D8 and her teacher saw her in plain view. On at least two occasions in November, she spent time at the club we go to having drinks with yet a different one (maybe in a group, but still) - this club is like rumor central.

All the while I was hearing "I don't care what people think, they should mind their business" type of stuff. I guess she cares a little more than she thought.

Anyway, I didn't say much. I did caution her to go a few months before starting anything and to be exceedingly careful, again I'm thinking more for the kids' sake than hers.

Thank golly again for this site and helping me have a plan. I have not given anyone a reason to speculate about my life. That's a good feeling.


~opt

Good to see you back on this forum again Opt. I need to head over to the other forum and find your new thread. Chances are I will be starting my own thread there as well too.

Looks to me like this is an example of "Allowing the consequences of adultery and infidelity to fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous." from Pep's Carrot and Stick.

I'm sure it is still hard to watch though.

((((Opt)))),

Hey....I'm still following along.....




Oh well.....When you DO questionable actions, you get a questionable reputation.....



I could think of a GAZILLION things, HOWEVER, at this time, just getting her outta YOUR life would be more condusive to your sanity....



I feel for you. HOWEVER, it is a consequence of her waywardness. I would get an answer prepared in case the kids come to YOU for questions, should they catch wind of this.....Waywards care nothing about how their actions hurt anyone, INCLUDING their children...(even if they do say otherwise....)




Of course she does.....




NOW......




because she wants to make herself as "marketable" as possible.


You might have wasted your breathe on that one......

Ya know,.....

Just because you are divorcing, that doesn't mean you have to move on over to the Divorced threads. We have many here on SaA who stayed, even during and after their D's......ChaiLover, SDGuy, Wildhorses, SilentLucidity....oh, and even Amazin.....

Keep us posted....there's nothing like reading about Recovery, even if it's only a personal one....

not2fun

Limbo, once again you're right. I was thinking more of the "you can choose your actions but not the consequences," but I like your tag better.

Trying to make the best of it.

o

Thanks, Two!


I hear ya, Not2fun. I'm trying to pull away gracefully. I don't want to upset the kids. And there's still the court date. I want to remain in her good graces (with a little guilt thrown in for good measure) to make sure she sticks with the current separation/divorce agreement, which is more fair than most guys get.

Definitely, I hadn't thought of that.

Hadn't thought of that either.

I will, N2F, I will. I like being on the D board too. None of the updates are fast and furious like in the beginning with plan A and all that, so I'll kinda keep both threads alive I guess.

Hey Knot, you told me some time ago you were concerned I might try to start dating too early. How long do you think I should wait? I would wait till after the court date, and then be totally discrete, but gosh I haven't even talked to a woman (besides ww) in a long, long time...[of course if others have thoughts on this, please chime in!]

Opt

I don't think anyone's ever called me TWO.... :think

Most call me Not, but not Knot....

You also called me Not2fun and N2F.....

So which one are ya gonna call me???....



Till the Divorce is FINAL!!!!....

Hey, you asked for MY opinion....

No, in all seriousness though, considering all that you have learned on here and about marriage, all you have learned about adultery, you should remain true to your beliefs....even if you are separated and seeking divorce, you are still technically married...remember, you just said....


That should be your mantra for now...



If you do this, then you WILL give people something to speculate about....

But I'm more concerned for how that would affect YOUR personal healing and growth rather than what other people would think....

Now, it is YOUR life....you are the one that has to look at yourself in the mirror every day....would dating someone right now squander that???...

I know you might be a bit "antsy"...after all, you have been fighting the long hard affair fight. But really, the growth you will get by WAITING, will make this eternity seem like a drop in the bucket....

(ok, I am SOOOOO not sure that made any sense.....It's late, I am unable to sleep, I don't think I am helping...)


not2fun

Hey opt!!!

DUHHHHHH - what did she think was going to happen????? Oh, wait, WWs DON'T THINK do they.

You know, there is going to be a day when your WW has reality handed to her and it ain't gonna be pretty. All you can do is protect your kids as much as possible, take care of yourself, and then watch as her world comes tumbling down. I feel bad - for you and the kids, not her.

Too ( ) , that makes a lot of sense; thanks.

I definitely will hold strong to my belief that I'm married till I'm not married. Through MB (and this whole situation, I've developed a genuine respect for the concept of radical honesty. I can see how my lack of total honesty degraded my marriage for years before things finally were completely deteriorated (and lead to the conditions for ww's ea). So I envision a day when I find the 'woman of my dreams' and the honesty about past/present/and future comes into play; I want to be able to honestly say I held true to my beliefs, standards, morals, integrity, etc. even through difficult times.

not2fun, I thought you were going to say I should wait until several months after the D was final or something like that.

~O

Development:
First Day for ww in her new condo and who do you think is hanging pictures for her?? Yup, you guessed it - Potential OM#2.

I didn't say anything at first but later I couldn't contain myself; called and let her know I was extremely disappointed that she continued to have that level of disrespect for me (I know - wasting my breath), but what I was really concerned about was the potential effect she was having on both kids with these reckless decisions. I pointed out that she already was concerned about rumors going around about her and that she's only fueling them by inviting single men into the house, under any circumstances.

Of course she started in with "he's just a friend..." and some half-a$$ed thing about explaining the situation to anyone who speculates (unbelievable). I explained, in turn, that she's not going to get that opportunity when people are whispering behind corners, but their KIDS will hear them talking and it will get back to our kids and could have devastating consequences for them.

So, she said she would just explain it all to them. And I said she could spin it all she wants but the kids will know the truth and furthermore she is setting them up for failure when they have marriage partners who want to have all kinds of "friends" and wind up in the same situation we're in.

I thought I was over the hurt. Okay we're separated, but since we're still officially married, knowing she's getting her pictures hung by a single male "friend" still feels like adultery. If I can refrain from having my pictures hung, why can't she???? Scot says it best:

I should totally be Plan B-ing this woman, for my own sanity. But I'm afraid if I rock the boat too much she'll renege on the current separation agreement and come after me for the full court allowed child support payment (which would bust me financially). So, I feel like I have to take some degree of abuse, but I think I did pretty good telling her my feelings/expressing my concerns without DJ's ( - golf clap for opt!).

I've already promised her whole family I'd be there at Easter. They LOVE me. My kids expect me there. I have no family here to bail me out. I'm not sure if I can do it, unless ww makes some sort of an acknowledgment that she was using extremely poor judgement and will be more careful in the future (yea, right...).

I might have to buy some ipecac syrup Saturday.


~opt

Don't have to tell you what you already know.

It's good that her family likes you. They all know right? WW will most definitely NOT acknowledge any wrong doing on her part. She thinks she is doing NOTHING wrong. Don't let what she is doing get in the wqay of what you are doing. If you are going to do a modified Plan A/B/D/FU then go for it. You know what is best for you. Plan B does save ones sanity but in the long run, if you would face financial ruin and you know that better than I, you have to make that choice yourself. Now that she is outta the house, it would be a good time though.

BTW ipecac INDUCES vomiting and I don't think you need that. Maybe you will need the gravel to STOP the things she will spew.

Opt, I feel ya brother. I share the frustration of desperately wanting to go Plan B, but not being in a situation to allow it to happen. I'm in a very similar situation with the Easter holiday plans too. Not sure if I'm going to WWs family though.

Are you certain that a Plan B would threaten your agreement?

Separated or not, that really sucks. Absolutely no respect for you or the kids. I'm feelin' for ya buddy.

OM#2 is the 'coffee buddy' right? Sheeesh - no class.

Sorry opt.

Your STBXWW is a dim-witted, socially and morally clueless [censored]!!!!

I'm at the Dr.'s right now but I'll be back to comment more.....

One question though......where were the kids when coffee-shop Scumeo was there???

Not2fun

I know I should have checked in here first, but at 4am last night I couldn't help myself any longer.
I wrote this email to coffee-shop Scumeo. (if you recall it was actually coffee in his home, but I like the nick name):

You really should end your relationship with my wife at least until the divorce is final. I hate to have to point this out to you but by carrying on during the separation you are doing nothing but contributing to her image as a slut. You know as well as I do that in this town, perception is reality.

Notwithstanding the incredible disrespect you obviously have for me, my wife, and yourself, my children do not deserve to grow up in a town where everyone believes their mother is an adulterer.

And this to my ww:
I can�t stop you from spitting on our marriage and defiling your own reputation. I can�t stop you from hurting me by continuing to develop �friendships� with single men while you are still married to me. I can only ask that you have some respect for your children and stop giving people in this town fuel for the rumors that you are a slut. S13 and D8 don�t deserve that.

Any man that would put you in the position to gain a reputation like you are gaining is not your �friend.� He is a predator with one thing on his mind.


Okay, get out your 2x4's!!


~opt

ps: Actually, LBer check tells me there may be no need for 2x4's- just stating facts and feelings. (maybe a little DJ at the end...)

\Thanks Scotty for your words.
It's hard for me to get that she will never "see the light" but thanks for trying to reinforce it.
But I had a serious talk with both kids this am in which I explained that it was NOT RIGHT for a married person to have friends of the opposite sex if it makes the other person feel uncomfortable. I never mentioned any specifics and I made a simple example with myself; D8 got it on some level she said "Daddy, you always do the right thing" (bless her heart). S13 knew exactly what I was talking about and it was tough for him to swallow; I'll follow up with him when I can. I had to let them know there are acceptable behaviors and there are behaviors that lead to trouble and to watch out for those.

It's so hard being a parent in the best of circumstances, but this...this is no joke. BTW you handled your DS9 in an exemplary way - good for you and good for him. He's lucky to have you Scotty.

~opt

Thanx Opt. I am also lucky to have him. My kiddos are the best. It's wayturds that sucks azz.

@Limbo and Linus - thanks guys. I plan to attend Easter dinner for the kids and the family. I can swallow my pain of seeing ww for a time for them as divorce is very much a loss for the other members of the family as well (from my reading). It's the death of a relationship and they deserve to share in that with me.

I will probably leave conspicuously early so they can feel my absence, in hopes that ww recognizes some of the pain she has caused to so many.

@Not - I know you're upset and I appreciate your feelings. I believe ww prides herself in her defiance and her ability to be defiant. This she stated recently has been part of her character since she was a little girl. Defiance and independence. Fierce independence she views as a good thing. I say interdependence is much more healthy but that's a discussion for another day. Anyway, point is that I believe she feels exerting her independence is some sort of show of strength in the community. She doesn't realize the community will simply view her as a two-bit skank.

~opt

No 2X4 from me, opt. How about a hug and an 'atta boy!' instead. Both emails are great Bet it felt good to write them! You did click the 'send' button, right?

Glad you're going to be with the kids for at least a part of Easter.

Thanks Linus, I appreciate your thoughts.


Yup, and got returns from both of them. It seems as though they've talked athough it's hard to tell. Coffee boy is, as expected, giving me a lesson in how I'm "angry and looking to blame someone for my misfortune." That's in the adultery hand-book right?

WW of course defends her "friendship" and even states "Ending a friendship with him would hurt the children more than anything else."
I should put that in the fog-babble post I saw a couple days ago.

Anyway. I'll follow up with them both and try to stick with the facts: my concern is for the perception they are cultivating with the community and how it will AFFECT MY CHILDREN. There's not much more I can do. I'm not going to get into a pi$$ing match with either one of them.

Linus, you still logging in some UA time with Mrs. L???

~opt

Hey Opt,

IMHO, this is EXACTLY what you are doing. With BOTH of them.....

What do YOU control? HER behavior? No. You don't. HIS behavior? No. You don't.

You are concerned about the well-being of your kids. As you should be. Then make YOUR relationship with them as strong as it can be -- given the current lay of the land between you and WW.

Opt, from my vantage way up here in the cheap seats, I'm thinking you need to really try to get out of her world - who's hanging pictures for her, where she goes, what shoes she's wearing with which dress, etc.

Maybe I'm wrong here, but if you think she will take care of the kids on her watch AND you think you have a good enough relationship with your kids that they would tell YOU if something was not right, then you need to put your trust and your faith in those two mindsets.

I guess I just sense a degree of involvement that is potentially damaging to you and your ability to rebuild your own life.....

TB