Yea, you want patience and you want it right now

Time heals. Let it.

Larry

Thanks for all the advice. She came by work today to pick something up for our daughter. I could tell she didn't really want to be there at first, but I just rubbed her back, held her hand, and hugged her until she came around. Then she got happy and talking, then started talking about 1 night getaway tomorrow and was very happy when she left. Who knows what will happen tomorrow! But it's better than her not talking

She wants to be reassured that her heart will never be broken again. - You must show her and tell her with words and deeds that although you cannot possibly ever make up for what you did, you want to spend the rest of your life trying to do just that. And that you want her to know that every bit of your waking hours are spent with her heart and love in your mind, that each thing you do every day is toward recapturing her love and the hope that she will see your changes.

She wants to know that the pieces of her life that are scattered into the four winds can be picked up and brought back together. - You must show her and tell her that you do NOT want the OLD marriage back - you want a new marriage with her that includes openness, honesty, appreciation for one another, meeting each other's emotional needs, caring and loving interaction that supercedes everything and everyone else in the world. That is what you want in your new marriage - and only with her - and that you know this can happen because you have found the place with the plan for it to happen (right here!).

She wants to recover her emotions from a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs and twists and turns; she wants to understand what hit her, if what she's feeling is "normal", and wants some sort of assurance that she even CAN recover. - YOU can help her by telling her that YOU take 100% of the blame for your affair, that it had nothing to do with her, and that you are working on a plan to help yourself become a better man and to put into place a plan to better protect your marriage from any future affairs. You can tell her that you have already learned that what she is feeling is completely normal after an affair, that the ups and downs are normal, and that

yes

you CAN fall in love
stay in love
recover a marriage
have it become stronger
and work things through

after an affair.


Then, hand her the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, and ask her to help you get on the road to helping her, and the marriage, recover from your selfish and stupid act. Tell her that this is phase one - and that there are many steps on the path to getting the work done and falling back in love.


When she's done, you should know what to do next. Because you will already have called the Counseling Center, and have things arranged to get yourselves back on track.

I think you two can make it.

Thank you the long (and helpful) reply.

She came by work yesterday, and was slow to warm up to me. But then it was like new love, kissing, hugging...and she suggested we go on an overnight getaway. Well I couldn't get off work and my mother is in town today, so we decided to just go out to dinner, watch "Fireproof", and spend the night at her place. Well today she's very distant and just suggested we go out to dinner and I drop her off, and asked me why we have to rush everything. I said honey I'm not rushing you...you suggested the overnight getaway:( I think I convinced her to at least watch the movie after dinner, and then I'd leave. She reluctantly agreed and acts like she doesn't even want to go. I'm getting flowers delivered to our table at the restaurant...Getting ready to pick her up now.

Wish me luck

Follow the Basic Concepts here on MB. [See link at the top of the page.] Learn to meet ENs and avoid LBers.

Better yet, call up the coaching center and get counseling with the Harleys or go to the MBWeekend. These are "jump starts" to the MB program and I guarantee you won't regret it!

Update: Wife is of course still back and forth several times a day on what to do. Still has not resigned the lease, she keeps putting it off. Said she would maybe move back in for a trial week, and then decide what to do. But that won't be until after monday and she is liable to change her mind on that as well. Her dad just recently found out all the details of my affair and is extremely opposed to her getting back with me. He has a lot of influence with her also. Her 2 main concerns are:
1. This happenening again in the future
2. Her "In love" feelings not coming back

I've read most of the stuff on here and understand that we should be together, and spend 25-30 UA time together. But with us living separately money is tight, so we won't be able to afford a babysitter on a regular basis to even be able to spend anywhere near that kind of UA time together. If we were back together this would not be a problem, but she is REALLY scared to move back in unless she's convinced that her feelings would return. I've explained all this and more, sent her emails with things from MB in them, gave her His Needs Her Needs to read, etc. But she is still at a loss on what to do. She must make a decision to renew her lease, or give her 60 day notice after this week is up.

Any advice for either of us?

And I plan on trying to set up a telephone counsel session with Dr. Harley ASAP (cant call till monday?) But not even sure if I can get one in the coming week.

What details of the affair was her dad so upset about?

The other woman was "Just a friend" in the beginning. Wife wasn't ok with it, because we spent entirely too much time talking on the internet, But she tried to be. We even stayed with them, for a week while on vacation. The attachment grew into a strong emotional one while we were there. I went to visit her once after that, and it turned physical, because I was confused on what to do. I didn't want to lose either of them. Wife kept threatening to move out. The other woman had plans to leave her husband and move here to be with me, or move with her husband, and then leave him. (Yes..I realize how utterly atrocious, and ridiculous that all was) As wife was moving out, I came clean about everything, but still didn't know what to do....so I let her go. A month later, I realized what a complete dumb *ss I was, told her I never wanted to be without her again and broke off all contact with the other woman. Well her dad just found out a couple weeks ago, (4 months after the fact)about all the deception, and crazy plans we had concocted.
Now while she's past the pissed off stage, and thinking about maybe giving it another shot...He's PISSED, and calling her a Effing idiot if she gets back with me etc.

Have you apologized to her dad?

I suggest you ask your wife to do some reading and posting here. She will get lots of help. And it would be best if she moved back with you and tried to restore the marriage.

For your part, you better figure out why you would be willing to toss your marriage for someone you hardly know.

Yes, thank you...I have been doing that. Counseling, this website, books, soul searching, Church...I've been working very hard at this in the past couple months.

I too think it would be best if she moved back in, but convincing her of that is the problem.

I actually went to talk to her dad the day after she told him everything. (I didnt know she had) He wouldn't answer the door.
I've told her I wanted to talk to him a few times now, and she is expressly against it.

Try writing him a letter. Did he get along okay with you before the affair?

Yes, I was the only guy that she'd dated that he did like. He liked me a lot, but I screwed that up.

A letter is a great idea...thank you.

I said i went by there to talk to him, but he wouldn't come to the door. He'd probably spit in my face if he did. I wrote him the letter, but i haven't delivered it yet.

Will your wife come here?

She wouldn't be against it, but not sure how interested she is. How would it help her? I was with her a little while ago after I emailed her the 25-30 hrs of undivided attention to fall back in love article. She said it makes sense but she's not willing to give the effort right now We are still going to counseling monday.

She wasn't even willing to read "His Needs Her needs" I gave it to her. She doesn't want to put forth the effort, she just wants to hang out, talk, and have the love/trust magically return.

Well, the love/trust isn't going to magically return. This is a WONDERFUL site for BS's. I was completely lost before I came here. She will get tons of support and encouragement.