Paycheck direct deposited in bank last night... got an email today saying I was out of money. Couldn't figure out why so looked it up. My wife, who had moved out of the house in Nov because she was looking on adult sex sites for 'something on the side to make her feel alive', but was still very involved together, had taken 96% of my check, transfered it to her account, then to another account.

THAT'S how I found out she wanted a divorce. After I emailed her asking what was going on, she replied in an email she wanted a divorce.

Heh... if it wasn't so like her... I would be shocked.

Married almost 4 years (July) 2nd marriage for both. Should have annulled it after honeymoon in all honesty, because we never had a marriage of any sort other than rings. I have written on here before and worked to do MB principles, which I truly believe in. But even though theorectially one can save a marriage... one can't MAKE a marriage. We were in counseling on Tuesday evening. She kissed me on the cheek when she left. I thought it was odd at the time, but didn't think much of it. Now I think it was a kiss Goodbye.

Not really worried about the divorce. It breaks my heart, because I truly love her. And she loves me, I do believe that. However, she has rarely done anything to fulfill my needs since marriage. And given that fact, I feel somewhat at peace with this whole thing. I don't know that I could have done it myself. I came from a family where you worked hard, and fought through. She came from a family where you took everything you could get then ran. This is what she did, but that is OK. If it helps her cope, it is OK. I love her girls... MY girls... I have known them for 7 years and they call me Dad. My boys are heartbroken. But that is how things go sometimes.

I would like to be saying that I want my marriage back. But in all honesty, I never had a marriage with her. That is the saddest part of all. I just couldn't get her to engage with me in anything. Over the course of our almost 4 year marriage, I bet we had fewer than 3 actual discussions about our marriage. Although, we had trouble from day 1. We couldn't talk.

It breaks my heart, because I would have and still would do anything to help her. I always loved her... I just couldn't give her whatever it was she needed and she wouldn't give me what I needed.

I hope I can learn from this... because I didn't learn the first time.

Click on the notify button that is part of your post. Ask the moderators to move your thread to Surviving an Affair. You need some help and that is where you will find it until the actual divorce. Lots going on with you.

Larry

And most definitely take her off your bank account!

Sorry you've had this bomb dropped on you.

Is there an OM?

Also wondering, has you wife suffered from depression and/or bipolar? She sounds just like my WH (who I believe has bipolar), just extremely EMPTY and self-centered.

The difference between a regular wayward spouse (who sufferes from temporary insanity due to the affair) and a spouse with on-going mental illness is that the 'fog-like behaviors' have been there off and on throughout the relationship, without the explanation of an affair.

I agree, get her off your bank account and get a lawyer asap!

CFIO (kinda sounds like an executive position within a Fortune 500 company....):

She has declared war, now time to fully engage. Taking 96% of your paycheck is inconsiderate, unfair, and well, okay I'll say it, downright evil.

So hit back. I don't know what she needs FROM YOU, but whatever it is, it's gone. Health care coverage? Buh-bye. Car insurance. See ya later. Car not in HER name? Hasta la vista, baby.

She did something cruel and incredibly insensitive to you. If that's the way she wants to play, get used to the rules.

It's hard to gauge your overall sitch, but from what I gather, this M never truly planted roots.

Sorry that you're here. There are lots of folks that have various degrees of experience. Sure, things can be slow on the weekends, but support and insight can still be found.

Protect yourself. NOW. I take it this will NOT be her last salvo.....

TB

It aggravates me to see her do things in this manner. She played both me and the counselor. He was shocked when I told him, not surprised, but shocked. He actually fell back into his seat.

I have never held money over her, as a subpoena will show. She has so little respect for herself, that she simply has no respect for anyone else as well. This is another reason why I am not torn completely from this occurrance. Her lack of respect for me, my boys, my family, and others in general has repeatedly shown over the last 4 years. But truthfully, I would have never guessed she would act like this in this manner. She went through my house, treating it like it was a shopping center, while I was at work Friday. She basically took whatever she wanted. This was after she had already done something similar in November, when I asked her to move out. She went through EVERYTHING I owned, personal or family. I don't care, because I have never hidden a single thing or lied about anything to her. But for her to act like this still hurts.

I don't care about the stuff. I can replace it with an afternoon's worth of work. But the fact that she acted like I cheated and I lied and I decided to divorce her. Projection of her own actions on others has always been a problem for her. She suspects everyone else of doing what SHE is doing. I have been blamed COUNTLESS times of 'potentially having an affair'.

Truthfully, I just want this sad woman to be happy, but away from me. I feel more like I am watching a drug addict at the end of his addiction, just going deeper and deeper, unable to see what everyone else sees around him. She lies to all her friends, and although, I believe they are smart enough to see things somewhat more clearly than she leads, it still bothers me that they have NO CHANCE to help her, because she twists and turns the facts so much, that if even HALF of what she said was true, I should probably be locked up. The truth is, however, that I have NEVER done ANYTHING REMOTELY like she has recently stated, but it certainly makes her 'story' and 'choice' seem more reasonable to others.

I think the betrayal of her affair was one thing... but THIS is a betrayal of a whole different sort. Her affair was about HER. THIS is a betrayal of my character. The one thing I hold dear and would not go against. For her to be unable to honor even that fact, given all I have done to help her, even after her affair and online sex crap, and after she moved out. It just appalls me.

Hopefully you have changed the locks, etc. Start locking up your stuff and your heart. You have been used. And that is a truly awful feeling after 4 years or more of emotional investment.

Best to have no mercy in court. Get your stuff back, if possible. The reason is simple: consequences. Until consequences bite her where she lives, she is going to just go down the road making fools of guys just like you.

Larry

You know... I think you are right. I gave everything to her and she did this in this fashion. I have alot of time and money to battle and given this and her history, I am of the mind to push back pretty hard.

I laid down for my first wife, because she was holding my children over my head as a threat of going for full custody. I paid for half time and shared custody.

However my current wife has nothing I want or need other than the ring I gave her. I designed it and had it made. I emailed her about exchanging our rings, she didn't email me back. She knows that the ring has alot of meaning to me, heh... I had my brand built into its structure. She is going to want it, because it is worth quite a bit. But she also knows that I want it back.

I can certainly stir up alot of discomfort for her should I chose to do so. She could have been adult, but she chose this way to do things. If she gives me grief or pushback, then I think that I will just push a few buttons on a couple people and we will see how badly she wants to continue. I would have treated her civilly had she simply asked for a divorce in a respectful manner. Grabbing money and an email just doesn't cut it in my book.

I have nothing to lose in this. I have a prenup. She, however, has alot to lose.

T... if you read this, you should really think about what you are doing and how you go about it. I don't want a battle, but you know that I laid down before for C and I told you I shouldn't have. You have no such hold over me. Give me the ring back. I will pay you the money. We won't incur huge lawyer bills and you can just walk away. Push me in any way, and I will fight alot harder. You know I don't care about the money... I am all about the principle of the situation. You pretend I am so bad... if you push me, I will show you just how tough I can be.

What a completely crappy way to go about this T. I would have given you anything and everything, because I loved you and the girls. I DID give you EVERYTHING I could. Never once complained about lack of CS paid by the girls father's. Never ONCE complained about paying for everything for all three of you for the last 5 years. THAT is what a husband and father does. Then you do this... you showed your true self. And although I wouldn't be my true self IF I fight, I can certainly be a hardass if required.

Good.

You were a good catch.

Then the living.

She thought she deserved better; spoiled.

So the rotten side got exposed; she hated gratitude.

She liked entitlement. Made her feel better about herself

Do what you have to do to insure your self respect.

Larry

I congratulate you for having the stones.

So many BHs just roll over...I get tired of repeating to 2325782375 million BHs to not leave their house, etc.

You were smart to get a prenup. Frankly, I do believe that it would be quite sensible a thing for a man to require me myself to sign, or any woman, if his assets are substantial enough. Though I would (if he wanted me as a SAHW) demand some level of maintenance for a short while should divorce occur.

The thing is... she is vindictive. THAT is what everything almost during out marriage is about. If she didn't like something, she wouldn't talk about it, she would retaliate in some manner. THAT is what this household shopping spree was all about.

She is angry over the divorce, even though she asked for it and she knows all she had to do to avoid it was really join in and work. That isn't the point. Everything in her life is the fault of someone else or how someone else has/is treating her. Of course, in divorce I am the main problem. But I believe deep down under the hurt and anger, she realizes that I am NOT who she pretends I am and she can't handle that I am a different person than who she treats me as, because it means SHE is a different person than who she thinks she IS.

THIS is the reason we are getting divorced in a nutshell. When we met, she put on a 'great facade' of who I wanted in my life. I was as up front and honest about my needs and desires and in essence 'told her who I wanted' so she gave it too me. When all that stopped, literally on our honeymoon (actually just a bit after I asked her to marry me, but I didn't recognize it at the time) I kept thinking I had to work to get things back to where they were... help her get back to the REAL her. Not recognizing that she was like a chameleon, as our counselor stated, and in all actuallity THIS was the real her, and the other was fake.

I just kept thinking that this person who I was living with, COULDN'T be the person I fell in love with. And that it was my duty to stick with her despite everything I saw on a daily basis, to the contrary. I just kept thinking "If I love her strong enough, she will eventually love me back." So I did everything I could, but anytime I would try to talk about us, it would degrade into an argument. She WOULD NOT talk about anything in which she might be even remotely perceived as lacking, ie unmet ENs, or at fault, ie LIES. Her best defense was to become extremely furious and go on the offense. For a year and a half I dealt with that, and she taught me to NOT try to talk about things. Everything I did, she perceived as ME being mean.

NOW I think she realizes that I am NOT that person, and have Never been, but she can't allow that into her mind on the surface. She has to make me out to be the bad guy, so she makes up alot of NEW lies about me being aggressive towards her and so she is 'afraid'. These are all NEW things and even for her, I have never been aggressive in the lies. But NOW, they serve a purpose of avoidance. Gives her a 'reason' to not tell me face to face she wanted a divorce. To be so incredibly disrespectful, as to take the money and run. It eases the action in her mind, and in her mind makes it more believable as being appropriate with her friends and family. This makes it convenient for her in that she then doesn't have to actually TALK to the person she is lying to face to face. She can compartmentalize her life, and I can serve the purpose as the [censored] who caused all her problems. OHH>>.... it infuriates and makes me cry at the same time. She has NO CONCEPT of true love.

Her family KNOWS what she is like. They might support her because she is family, but they KNOW what she is like, and it kills her to not be able to lie to them, and have them swallow it. I have proven myself to them over the years, so while I am sure they will give her 'lip service' I am confident they will know that what she is saying just doesn't add up with what they know about us both.

The shopping spree was pure vindictiveness. She went through the house, and took things she wanted. She brought some things with her when she moved in, and I have no problem with that. Actually, I don't have a problem with much of what she took, but it is the way in which she did it which is the problem. I don't even know what I no longer have until I go to use it and see that it is gone. I think she even took the FLYSWATTER. She took gifts she had given me and she took cards she had given me. She tore up all the cards and letters I gave her and threw all the pieces behind the dresser in our room.

But like I said... I don't care about the stuff... I care about how she went about TAKING the stuff. It will be a pain to replace, simply because I don't know what ISN'T there until I go to use it.

It just breaks my heart. The disrespect. That above all breaks my heart. She is so untrustworthy and she simply can't believe that there are people different from her.

On Tuesday at counseling, we talked about our lack of trust. I FINALLY got to actually address it, and it was just too much for her to bear I believe. She couldn't deal with it, because she couldn't say anything about it. She would lie to me KNOWING I knew the truth, but she simply couldn't NOT LIE. I called her on it, and I think the pressure of living up to what she did and how she is, was too much to bear. She keeps telling people, myself included, that we just don't know her, that she is such a kind, gentle, and loving person. I think SHE believes that in herself which perhaps is the MAIN PROBLEM OF ALL. She believes something about herself which is completely UNTRUE, and doesn't understand why the world doesn't treat her in the kind, gentle way rather than the lying cheating way. She just doesn't understand that if she IS kind, gentle, and loving, she covers it up with alot of self centeredness, vindictiveness, and agressive anger. THAT is the person she shows the world and THAT is the person the world sees and interacts with.

She blew up during the counseling session FINALLY. The real person who I was married to and knew very well, showed up. Up to that point, in 3 sessions, she had been quiet. The counselor was thinking that MY interpretation was skewed and that MY description of her actions were what was wrong. He said "I think she has a voice... but she can't use it around you." I thought... heh... she uses it PLENTY, but she can pretend she is someone else for a while. Finally when we were talking about the lies and mistrust, she blew... JUST LIKE I SAID SHE DID to him before. He was shocked then as well. She started yelling and cursing and I was just sitting there trying to tell my view of a situation. But when it was OBVIOUS, that not only what she had JUST said was a lie, but that what we were talking about previously had ALSO been lies, I think she finally realized that it was too much work to be honest. THAT is why she wants the divorce... she doesn't want to own up to being honest and she simply doesn't have the trust and love to see that short term pain would be followed by long term LOVE. She never had that... she was only as good as her last lie. She would NOT say 'sorry'. She told me one time "I only say sorry when I REALLY mean it." Which to me says that all the times she DIDN'T say 'sorry'... she REALLY meant to hurt me or my family.

I feel so badly for her though. Because of all the people, I really did love her in spite of knowing how she was at the end. Even though I couldn't see this early, I learned, but I was powerless to do anything about it. I look at her and I feel the anger and pain. I see the saddness... and I believe there is a little girl inside her who really just wants to trust and be loved. I really believe that. But she has put up such a facade of lies, walls of defense, and aggressive attacks to repel, that there is no way to get to that person inside.

She thinks she is 'protecting and providing for' her girls at all costs. She is completely ignorant of the fact that the BEST thing she could EVER have provided for the girls... was a loving, giving marriage to her husband. Her mother had a horrible marriage to an alcoholic while she grew up. So she has no concept about how marriage really should be, and she treated me like I was a drunk. She just doesn't understand how much she threw away for both herself and her daughters. She doesn't understand that she is condemning those wonderful little girls to a similar fate, because it is unlikely that they will learn to treat their husbands and families any differently than she was treated growing up, and that she treats me and any who come after me. She doesn't realize what she had right in her hands... TRYING TO STAY IN HER HANDS AT ALL COSTS... and she just turned them up and dumped me and my boys out. Our children LOVE one another. My boys are heartbroken. I have no idea how I am going to interact with the girls from here on out. I just am clueless. All I can see is what 'could have been' right now. The waste simply floors me.

I am saddened... because I would have been there for her if she could have just kept working. I would have loved her... if she could have learned to love herself. I would have forgiven her... had she simply asked.

She is terrified that I will, I believe. She had a friend who cheated on her husband. Her husband had a sister who was an attorney and they just went to town on the woman.

I don't have any family attorneys... but I do have money.

And I asked for the prenup and I had the provisions put in place to take care of her afterwards, because I DIDN'T want her feeling as though I could dump her on the side of the road and go on. I did that... she didn't ask for that. But it didn't work. She still feels as though she is just the poor unfortunate wife who is getting dumped.

The funny thing is... in MY world... I would have worked like CRAZY to keep what I had. It seems as though, she has almost a 'self defeating or self destructive' personality disorder. She gets something good... and then treats it so poorly that it breaks. In her position I would have been working day and night to improve our marriage. I did it from MY point as husband with really nothing to loose OTHER than the marriage and the love of her little girls. She loses the marriage, security, and a father for her children who really loves them. Our worlds just never existed together. She just sees the world so differently than I do which is the reason we could never see eye to eye and heart to heart.

Maybe an infatuation junkie. Or, if she is pretty, needs admiration/adoration. Fogged out for sure.

Larry

CFIO,

You need to get in touch with your credit card companies


TODAY

and get her name off of them

and change the numbers.

Her shopping spree will not only include your house.



Wait for it.


If she has any of your personal information, she will try to open new accounts. Do not believe otherwise. Lock up your identity today, because she will do this if you don't take care of it. Use an identity theft protection service, because this type of person who is vindictive will go for it as soon as she gets the idea. She will sign you up on porn sites for monthly fees, she will do all kinds of things to get back at you. Make sure you are covered.


How do I know this?

My FIL's ex-wife....she went house-shopping through his house. Took EVERYTHING. Left him on a Friday without warning. Took every single stick of furniture, including the beds of the children who were being left behind. She cleaned out the bank accounts (more than once), until Pop was able to get the bank to stop letting her do that - and at the time it took lots of legal paperwork and lawyer fees to stop her. She ended up taking the college funds of the two children from Pop's first marriage and she never cared. Moving on to her affair partner's house was as easy as pie for her, she was married within virtual moments of the divorce. The new man was richer.

And, for the record, Pop and this particular woman? They started this marriage as an affair.



Pop had left his first wife for this "peach". When the divorce from OW was obviously on the horizon, Pop showed back up on the porchsteps of his first wife. He begged for mercy.

His first wife, who had been in PLAN A for EIGHT YEARS, let him in.

They remarried, and lived happily ever after for over 40 more years, until his recent death about a year and a half ago.

True story.

SB- At the end of this last post, I had tears in my eyes and I said, "Wow." Thanx

CFIO,

I agree with SB. Run a credit report on yourself to find any unauthorized accounts and consider putting a lock on your credit.

Sorry that your WW has put you in this unfortunate situation. Stay strong.

--ElCamino72

We dated for two years and were together for about 10 more months after I asked her to marry me. So courtship was just under 3 years.

I repeatedly ignored what I saw, because I simply kept thinking that what I HAD SEEN was who was real... NOT who I WAS SEEING.

I take full responsibility. I knew she was trouble, but wouldn't allow myself to walk away. Truthfully, and I know this might sound odd on Easter Sunday, but... I COULDN'T walk away. I had fallen in love with her and especially her girls. I saw the 'need' in them for someone stable and loving. I knew my desire to help and protect. I had the means, desire, and ability. And I FELT like I would be a complete CAD if I were to walk out on them. I felt like they were 'mine' and to break up would have been the same as 'leaving' my family. I felt that God was standing behind me with his arms crossed thinking... "OK CFIO... what are you going to do?" I know it might sound absurd... but this is EXACLY how I felt. I WANTED to help... I WANTED to love... I wanted to BE loved... but I felt guilty and compelled to stay as well. I really wanted to make a difference in their lives, and perhaps regain some self worth as well (wrong thinking I know now), but my brain KNEW I should go.

This might sound altruistic... but I really don't know what it was. It WAS me mimicing my mother, who would lay down in the road, for people to step on to keep from getting their shoes muddy. I grew up in a loving, kind, warm, helpful smalltown environment. NO BODY in my family EVER had been divorced. We all helped, encouraged, and supported one another in good times and in bad. Even the 'black sheep' of the family shared our 'family values'. I just didn't realize this type of stuff was 'real' in the world. CERTAINLY NOT in MY world.

My first wife left while in the throws of 4 simultaneous affairs. It broke me in half. We divorced and I essentially waited for about a year to date, although I had every Tom, [censored] and Susie trying to set me up with someone. When I started dating, it was a whirlwind. I dated so many women ONCE, but only one more than once. I knew what I wanted, and knew what I DIDN'T want even MORE. I met my wife... and the world stopped. She was beautiful, funny, and kind. She was devoted to her girls and 'appeared' to be with it. But I think that I felt she needed rescueing. I didn't think it 'out front' but in the back of my mind, I think I thought about it. I believe I was looking for someone who 'needed' me... who would be 'safe' and who I could be SO GOOD TO that she would love me and never leave. I think, in essence, I HOPED I would be too good to leave, given that I had been crushed a few years before.

She seemed to fit the bill perfectly. I was open and honest and very forthright. I told her exactly what I was looking for in a relationship, thinking I was doing 'right' but in my current belief, I was doing it WRONG. Instead of seeing whether SHE WAS the person I wanted to be with, I told her who I wanted to be with, and she then put on those trappings and BECAME who I wanted. We dated for about 6 months and things began to slide. I asked for some time separated, and it crushed her. She couldn't give me the time. She came over to my house one night, and I sat there, on the floor in front of the fire, and explained why I felt the way I did. I told her, that it was important to me that my wife be religious, and she was not. And that my wife have the primary caretaker role of our house ie be able to cook for our family, so that I could be the provider. She didn't cook hardly at all. She then began going to church with me and began cooking. She is NOW and excellent cook, and she truly loves it. However, she has never joined in Church. She goes, but it feels half-heartedly and certainly doesn't seem to incorporate the thoughts into her relations with me.

But see... she 'changed' and I think I thought that... OK... she 'changed' this. So we are OK. But when things began going 'bad' I think she resented me. I never sat out to change her, just to be honest with what and who I WANTED. She should have said 'that isn't me' but instead she put on the facade and 'changed'. However, she began taking other things away. The vindictivness began showing up more and more. When ENs began to remain unmet, and I would try to talk about them, she would remove MORE from them. If I wanted to address sex, she quit wearing lingerie. When I talked about lingerie, she began getting headaches. In fact... almost everytime we would go out for a romantic dinner, at desert or as we walked to the car she would say "Oh man... I am getting a headache." or "Oh.... I am SOOOoooooo tired." Giving me the signal that there was NO SEX TONIGHT so don't even go there. I just felt worse and worse with each week/month that went by. Trying to address it was to know that things would only get worse.

THEN... I get an anonymous letter at work, saying she is having an affair with her friend's brother in law and that she rented a house. This was last spring. Everything went downhill from there... and STILL MY OWN SICKNESS kept me thinking that if I just did better... she would love me. Then about 2 months ago I received more information, things I never wanted to see. I thought... She was just doing this because she doesn't understand love. CFIO... you haven't done enough good enough to help her to understand love. CFIO... you love those girls and they need you to succeed, so buck it up and work HARDER. Be BETTER. Do BETTER. If YOU were giving her what she needed, she wouldn't be going elsewhere. I got her to fill out the ENs questionaire... she reluctantly did so, and basically it came down to 'I am mean' but otherwise, I did pretty much everything she wanted.

THIS is an example of what she felt was 'mean'. Asking the girls to get up and turn off the lights they had left on. Asking her to please leave my tape and stapler on my desk after they used them, because I needed them as well. But here is one that really blew me away, and that helps me to see that our worlds just really never cross. Since we can't talk, if we have a problem or even perceive there might be a problem, we would typically shut down. We would be cordial, but not nice or loving or interactive towards one another. USUALLY it goes on for a day or two and then I (CFIO) will break down and regardless of what I think the issue was about, I will try to set things right by breaking the ice and loving her. No matter what or who was the real culprit, I was always the one who had to 'apologize'. Now... if I had done something, I would have apologized immediately, so it was rare that these long, cold shoulders, were because of me. But they happened often.

We were at church one Sunday, about 2-3 days into a cold shoulder episode. I don't even remember what it was about. We were sitting, side by side in church and I was listening to the sermon. I began thinking about how I Loved her, and hated acting like this. So I put my hand on her leg, in a loving way. Just to show her I loved her. After about 3-4 minutes I was 'feeling good' my heart felt good with my touching her. I was feeling better because I had 'had a change of heart' so to speak. I really felt love for her. I turned and smiled at her. She turned her head and had the deadest, coldest, most contemptuous look in her eyes I have ever seen. Her face was emotionless but her eyes were hatefilled. I kept smiling... not sure I was seeing what I was really seeing, and she just kept the cold dead stare eating at me. I looked away and removed my hand. That is all, just looked back to the preacher and removed my hand. And she said... "YOU ARE JUST SO MEAN!"... She was referring to the fact that I removed my hand. I don't understand her world... and I have no desire to enter it. But this was EXACTLY what happened... EXACTLY how it happened.... EXACTLY how I was feeling and thinking... and EXACTLY WHAT SHE SAID AND HOW SHE ACTED. This is why we can't be married... we don't live in the same reality.

Changed the locks today. Keep finding things which she took. I am not surprised. She did a similar thing with her first husband. Actually 'bragging' about how she and her brother stole some silver dollars from a jar in the attic and what-not. Man... I was such a blind man.

I think I need to wear a wire when I date from now on. Then after the date, listen to the ENTIRE conversation again, without her being in front of me. THEN perhaps I can hear what she is saying, instead of my interpretation of it at the time.

heh... Like I want to date...

Yea, it is called the Knight in Shining Armor syndrome. And it is about as useless as can be. A few, just a few, females are truly grateful for being rescued. Most just see "Sucker" on your forehead. Gratitude is such burden for most folks. To admit gratitude is to admit an inability to manage their own lives.

Protect yourself. Be sure and inventory what she has taken and see what you can do about getting some of it back. If you can figure a way to stick it to her, by all means do so. It is time she learned about a word called, "Consequences." How is she as a mother? Any room there? Do you want visitation with daughters? How old are they?

Larry