My moms 70th b-day party is coming up and it's a 10 hour drive away. I am definitely attending and wanted WW and kids to go too.

WW does not want to go.

I really want the kids to go to see my side of the family.

WW is fine with me driving all that way with the kids. I think the ride is going to be tough being the only adult in the car.

WW has also decided she wants to go to NY for a job interview while the boys and I are on our road trip. She says she is going to stay at her brothers, which she probably is.

We are really pressed for money and her trip is probably going to run at least 500-600 dollars.

How do I tell her I don't want her to go to NY without LB-ing?

Does she understand that accepting this job requires her to leave the kids behind unless you agree to allow them to leave? She can't just take them.....she would be forced to return them by a judge.

I don't think she really believes she will get the job or even take it if she does. She says she just needs a few days away from the kids to think.

Had another talk with WW last night. She still won't recommit to the marriage. Doesn't see how we can ever get past this.

Problem with my plan A is that no matter how great I make our home, she still doesn't want to live in this part of the country. She wants to move back to NY where her family is.

She has a tendency to run away from life's problems.

WW's parents are in town tonight for the week. WW and I will be sharing the same bed for the first time in over a month.

TE- Are you forcing the relationship talk or is she bringing it up? Just curious.

Good luck sharing the bed again!

I brought it up. I usually don't but like you... I'm sick of limbo.

I'm just ready for it to be one way or the other. I could go either way. I just want to be able to make plans for the future and right now I feel like I can't plan anything.

I was asking because I suspected that. As BSs, we want some results and we want them NOW. From everything I've read, it just doesn't happen that way. I have also read repeatedly that we are NOT to bring up relationship talk ourselves, but to engage honestly and without LBs if WS does.

I also know just how frustrating it is but constant relationship talk can also be a LB. I know mine is. What was recommended to me was to not speak so much if we do discuss it. Just listen and listen some more. It has helped me to literally bite my tongue.

Just a thought.

WW never brings up relationship talk.

And I know it's a LB with her, but every couple weeks or so I feel like I have to say something to judge whether there's any progress being made.

I'll do better though and not press the issue anymore.

BTW, we have been hugging a bit. And the fog seems to lift more the further we get from her last contact.

Hugging is great. Keep it up.

Also remember the "no expectations" part of Plan A. It is hard for me as well, but I'm learning.

Plan A really is a learning process. I feel like I keep making mistakes: expectations, initiating talk about our future, LBs, letting my emotions get the best of me, making knee-jerk reactions to her behavior.

It's hard to be the lighthouse...

TE- Plan A is hard. Very hard. We do the best we can and strive to improve. I don't think anyone has done it perfectly. I know I haven't. I also know I have made many mistakes.

Also remember that Plan A is to help you change some of your behavior too, such as eliminating LBs. When we commit LBs, it's like turning off the light bulb in our lighthouses. One bad action can wipe out the hard work of 10 previous positive actions.

I think we need to show consistencey above all else. She needs to see continued, consistent positive behavior to feel safe in remaining married to you.

I do know it is etremely hard to do as I have been trying for some time as well, with little to no sign of change from my WW. I have a huge struggle dealing with the 'no expectations' part. But in working on it, I am becoming a more patient human being. I am becoming a better man regardless of my WWs reaction.

So are you.

Thanks Limbo.

Actually for a while I really expected some SF. Now that I've spoken to a lawyer, I'm glad she denied me.

In our state, SF after Dday is an act of forgiveness. I would then have to pay alimony if we D.

Since we have not had SF, I would not have to pay alimony because of her adultery.

Pretty good incentive for "no expectations."

Hmmmm. How do the courts know if there has been no SF? I would think that anyone dishonest enough to committ adultery would have no problem lying about SF to collect alimony. Our legal system never ceases to amaze me.

God's Blessings,

Say

Good question. I guess they'd just scare her by making her swear under oath with penalty of perjury.

And it has to be actual penetration, too. Nothing else counts!

SOL and TE,

Great discussion of the "no expectations" side of plan A. I was falling into this trap myself. SOL is very right with not forcing discussions of the relationship, but it is very difficult to refrain from.

This discussion helped me a lot. Thanks.

In fact, I've always been kind of hoping for some hysterical bonding...

In-laws are in town and I'm back sleeping in my bed with WW. So far, it's been pretty okay. She's cuddled up to me a little, and I have held her a bit. We seem to be getting along fine, too.

Only thing is, for these past few days she has not called me at all during the course of the day.

Usually she calls me to pick something up or ask when I'm coming home or to print something out or something. These last two days... radio silence.

Man, waywards are hard to read.

Had an okay Easter weekend with WW, kids and in-laws. WW and I went out to dinner on Friday, but it was okay at best. Seems like the only time we enjoyed talking to each other was when we were talking about the kids.

Saturday, we all went to the theatre and saw a really funny play.

Easter, we went to mass and then to a neighbors for an egg hunt and then back home for a nice dinner. It was all okay, but I am not getting any affection from WW whatsoever. I have given her a few kisses and pecks on the cheeks but they haven't been returned.

I also checked our wireless website and she has been on the phone each day for at least 10-20 minutes with her enabling friend. No real surprise there. But she still appears to be in NC.

Next weekend coming up is huge. It is my mother's 70th b-day. I am taking the kids on a 5-day road trip to see my entire family. So far, WW does not want to join us.

So talk more about the kids...

Oh, yeah. Smartypants.