So what do I do? Let on that I read his texts?

He disrespected me. He disrespected my family. He has been chatting with my cousin's ex-husband. I have no problem with that on the surface...I always thought the poor guy got a raw deal in my cousin and her very dysfunctional but overbearing family. He screwed her over by having an affair rather than doing the right thing and divorcing her first and I did lose a lot of respect for him over that. But he and my husband were two Irish guys, married to two women from predominantly Jewish families, and they bonded over that.

And now they're bonding over calling us the Hebes, the Jew/shrews and other really nice thing. No, I've never seen my husband refer to me *in particular* as a shrew, cheap Jew, etc., but he disrespects the general category enough for me to think he's got some deep rooted problems with people of Jewish descent in general. (beyond just my cousin...even when he was a contractor, he'd come home and say things like...yup,this one's gonna screw me over and you know why...look at his last name....)

So the texts were basically talking about him (H) wanting to get a job, anywhere, OUT OF HERE because he hates it so much. Most likely moving by himself but maybe that's ok. And there's my cousin's ex...urging him along. "yeah buddy, move down here, I've got a spare room, lots of p**ssy and MILFS etc. Whatever. He's not married anymore; guess he can say whatever he wants. And he also said "that will give the Hebes something to yak about.

Then some more back and forth about we general Hebes/Jews, etc. Then some general sports related stuff...usually their typical text convo..nothing terrible about that part.

Then cousin's ex confides that he also talks to my other cousin's partner (that cousin is gay)..another "non Hebe..we gotta stick together" he says. And he talks on the QT because he doesn't want the rest of the dysfunctional Jew family clan to know. H chimes in that cousin's partner is a good guy (he is, but I know when the ex contacted him, my cousin went NUTS over it, called him and just yelled. Her brother, the partner, really could care less..he's an easy-going guy. But this is his sister and he has to support her.)

I want to let on that I read these because I'm so angry. Again, proof to me, that he has issues relating to my heritage (he always says that I'm different...yadda yadda..when I bring that up and gets angry that I get angry when he makes generalizations about cheap Jews, etc.)

And most importantly, I want to let him know that I know he's talking about how he thinks life is going to be when he finds a job...and what I'm getting out of it is that he's going to up and leave because now he has a job? Talk about making me feel like a meal ticket.

But I know he'll deny all this if I bring it up. He'll say things like "it's just guy talk: "B" blowing off steam and me playing along, etc.

And I just don't believe it anymore.

{{{ OH }}}

I honestly don't know what to advise. I could give it a shot, but it might be better to see what others say. But I can see why you'd be upset. Saying those things represents a HUGE lack of respect, IMO. Even if he is just "blowing off steam." And the more he "blows off steam" the more he gets boosted by his friend/your cousin's ex. Those thoughts are being reinforced, not decreased, by his blowing off steam.

OH, I wouldn't let on about the texts.
Why?
Because, just like when there's an affair going on, you don't deliberately shut off conduits of information.
Just by sending your anti-semite husband underground with his texts does not mean you will change the underlying sentiment.
And that sentiment is very troubling indeed.
Does he realize that his feelings about Jews also apply to his own children, that were mothered by this "Hebe," as you put it?
To me, this is more disturbing than the drinking.
And I'm the non-Jew in our family--I'd NEVER in a million years think that way about my 1/4 Jewish husband. There are dozens of things that really bug me about them, but his Jewish heritage is not one of them. Sheesh! I'm mad on your behalf!!

My WXH always worked. But many of your husband's other characteristics have often reminded me of my X. He is very manipulative and 2 faced. I have discovered so many devious and back stabbing things about my X...that it just turns my stomach. I am beginning to think your husband's lack of employment isn't the worst of your problems.

(((OH)))

OH, I'm so sorry. Don't know how to advise, except I'd keep this info to yoruself for a while. Add it to the files you might give your lawyer . . .

Hugs.

((OH))

Wow. Just... Wow.

I don't know what to tell you. On the one hand, the strategic thing to do is to remain silent about what you know about the texts for now and see what else you can find out.

On the other hand, my blood is boiling on your behalf right now.

Huge hugs.

Let's say my lovebank isn't exactly overflowing right now.

He's made anti-semitic comments before over the years. But always with "you're different". And lately, when I tell him they really bother me, he just says "fine, then I won't tell you how I feel. you know you are different."

The last time he said this, I said "when you disparage Jewish people, you are disparaging me."

"When they came for the Jews, I did nothing, for I am not a Jew. When they came for the Socialists, I did nothing, for I am not a Socialist. When they came for the labor leaders, the homosexuals, the gypsies, I did nothing, for I am none of these, and when they came for me, I was alone, there was no one to stand up for me." -- Martin Niemoller, a Lutheran pastor from Nazi Germany.

OH, so sorry you are going through this on top of everything else. Please take good care of yourself. You are under tons of stress.

B:

One of my favorite all time quotes...

"When they came for the Jews, I did nothing, for I am not a Jew. When they came for the Socialists, I did nothing, for I am not a Socialist. When they came for the labor leaders, the homosexuals, the gypsies, I did nothing, for I am none of these, and when they came for me, I was alone, there was no one to stand up for me." -- Martin Niemoller, a Lutheran pastor from Nazi Germany.

LG

OH:

This is REAL SIMPLE now.

PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.PLAN B. PLAN B.

And then you should:

PLAN B.

Seriously.

If he starts looking up rates for renting Uhauls and buying Fertilizer, its over.

You no longer need to carry the boulder.

Time for a new and better relationship.

LG

I'm trying to figure out how to initiate this discussion without letting on that I read his texts because I don't want him to start erasing them.

I'm seriously thinking of disconnecting his number and then playing innocent. "oh, you mean your number isn't working? gee, I don't know why."

But then that's the only number he uses for job hunting, it's the one on his resume too.

OH:

How about this:

OH to Mr OH: "I have had enough. I have slept on the couch. I have tried counseling with MB, and I have tried."

"Here is the letter. You can move out next week. We will be fine here."

Him: A stupid look on his face and anger.

OH: You can go NOW if you prefer.

You do not have to ever talk to him about the texts.
You don't ever have to talk to him about getting a job again.
You don't ever have to worry about what the "state of the house" will be when your return from the office.

He is broken. And he is broken in a manner that indicates that the vortex is heading DOWN, not UP.

Can "guys" joke about thier wives? Yes. Wayward mentality ones do. In multiple texts, and other spoken conversations. People either support or help destroy a marriage. I can be around when "guys" are "gripen and moaning" about thier wives....But I wouldn't allow the conversation to go anywhere near the level of disrespect shown in those types of texts. To converse readily with that indicates much deeper issues.

Schoolbus could have all kinds of fun with that.

When he demands to KNOW WHY you are kicking him out? Keep it simple. Ask him WHY you should let him stay?

Heres an example from schoolbus:


Use that techique. I think it would work great. You just avoid what he is saying to throw you off track.

LG

I so agtree with everything you've said LG.

And I would LOVE to see SB's analysis of his texts.

I would too...except I paraphrased them for you here. I'd have to get an exact copy before I'd ask her to analyze them.

I think your husband is an A$$. With a capital "A".

The only thing I would caution is that these revelations are new to those reading here (I gather you haven't mentioned this before) and the reactions you're getting here may be in response to that newness. He really does sound like a jerk.

But....this really ISN'T new, right?

Look, I was supportive of you filing those papers. You decided not to in response to something he did. You then got him on the phone with SH. It's fallen down since then, and you've stopped the calls.

They're expensive. I get that.

Just cautioning you to consider what it is that is really the final straw here.

((OH))

OH, I take a gander over here once in a while, so although I don't know your whole story, I think that I know enough.

You know that I'm pro marriage right?

I gotta agree with the other posters POV's, I think your H is behaving insensitive, thoughtless and immature, despite the counseling he has gotten.

I would ask him to leave, and I like what LG said ..... ask him WHY you should let him stay.

Ask him how exactly does he contribute to being a member of the family, or a spouse, and I don't just mean financially.

How do you not get into a pissing contest .... treat it like fogbabble, steer your focus away from it and stay on task.
I know how hard that is, I was a really really good pisser contester!

I think it would be interesting too for schoolbus's interpretation, but it's not something that has to be done to verify how your H is behaving.
It's fairly obvious.

I really think she needs to do nothing and worry about her job. This stuff with hubby is ongoing, and the job is a crisis sit. Also she needs to keep watching his communications.

Okay, I admit that I don't know all of the ongoings within their M. Thanks believer.

I wish I could help.
Things don't change unless things change.

Hugs sent your way OH.

OH, just so you know, my biggest concern here is YOU.
I worry about your breaking point.

Boundaries are to protect us.
Resentment is ugly and serves no purpose but the hole that is being dug.