Opt,

you know what I am about to say, right???.....

yep, I say go the Plan B letter..... If you go back into the forums menu (I'd give ya a link, nut can't from my phone....), at the top you'll see a Notable Posts forum. It contains a bunch of great links. Go to the Plan B section and there's a link for Plan B letters.....by Spacecase. It has a bunch of different letters for all kinds of situations. Hopefully you'll find an example.....

For now I would Put her on ignore.....

Not2fun

Ummmm......all I thought reading this was PLAN B

Not modified, not half-azzed, a full on Plan B. You asked

I'm with them Opt. Full-on Plan B with the letter. Do it for YOU.

alright. thanks guys.

Spoken like a true Plan B'er Scottie.......

I really HATE seeing you go through this Opt.....

Not2fun

Yeah, well, thanks. It's not too fun.

But it's another lesson in life; a part of the journey I can't avoid anymore. I'm 41 and have yet to learn how to set limits and stand up for myself. Allowing blind trust to prevail has been my path of least resistance and has led me to where I am.
I need to set a good example for my kids while I still have a chance.

I'll run my letter up here tonight before dropping it off at the condo tomorrow. I started it this am.

opt

Well, here goes. Open to all of your suggestions. Remember, this is not a typical plan B situation. I'm not necessarily trying to save the M, only trying to save myself some further anguish and start healing from the EA which lead to separation (current situation).


Dear ww,

I am sorry it has come to this and it with regret that I write this letter. What follows is an effort to preserve my sanity, self-respect, and dignity. It is not written out of malice or misunderstanding of our situation. It is not an attempt to punish you for anything you�ve done. It is not with an ounce of anger that I present this.

First I would like to, once again, say how sorry I am that we find ourselves divorcing after so many years together. I wish I had done many things differently and not helped create an environment in which made your affair possible. I take full responsibility for my role in that. I failed to see your unhappiness. I did not make you a priority. I allowed resentment to affect my approach to our marriage, instead of addressing it directly and working through it with you. For this I will be forever regretful.

We are two very special people, ww, and I believe we could ulitmately conquer any problem if we worked together. We have endured issues that would have destroyed many marriages long ago. There is still a part of me, however small, that believes we could reverse this process of divorce. Unfortunately, those positive feelings are eroding very quickly now. I feel I must take steps to ensure that they not disappear altogether and destroy our chances to be, at the very least, supportive & cooperative parents to our children, possibly even �friends.�

I would very much like for us to continue to be cooperative together now; setting a good example of a marital relationship for our children. Showing them that two people can respect each other even in the face of an impending divorce. Demonstrating that marriage is a sacred institution regardless of the circumstances. I simply cannot endure the pain of our relationship while you continue to build a relationship with another man. It is too painful to know that someone else is more important than me, even though I am the one with your wedding ring on my finger.

Therefore, until we are officially divorced, I feel I must break off all contact with you. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way. I must ask that you not have contact with me during pick-up or drop-off times. I would also like any of the regular communications between us to be handled through IM's. If you have an urgent matter relating to your health or the safety of the kids, you can call my cell phone, otherwise I am asking that you refrain from calling me or leaving me messages; I will not listen to them.

Please respect my decision to separate from you in this way. Your infidelity has crushed my spirit and I am very fragile emotionally right now. To heal, I feel it is important to restrict my contact with the person who has delivered so much pain to me and continues to do so, even if without malicious intent. I feel your relationship with OM#2, and disregard for my feelings, is poisoning whatever chance their might be for us to reconcile, or even to remain respectful partners in parenting our children. Furthermore, I feel that by placing your confidence in one while you are married to another, the wrong message is being sent to our children about marriage and how two people work together to get through tough times; I would not be the parent I strive to be by taking a passive stance to this. To stand by would be to be complicate in something that I believe to be wrong.

ww, I�m sorry our marriage failed. I�m sorry the best we could do for each other was to be good friends and good parents. I was truly hoping we could separate and move through the divorce process as partners, respectful of each other�s positions and feelings. Your relationship with POM#2, which is obviously of the utmost importance to you and has been for many months, is more than my heart can bear to witness.

optimism

Bumping for Opt to get some GREAT advice on edits

Opt, I think it is an excellent first draft. I really like the positiveness of the working together part

"We are two very special people, ww, and I believe we could ulitmately conquer any problem if we worked together. We have endured issues that would have destroyed many marriages long ago."

I'm not so sure I like the last paragraph, but I am nowhere close to being qualified to comment on Plan B. I can't wait to see some good suggestions from the experts here.

Well, I couldn't wait anymore for suggestions - My fault. I put myself in a bit of a hurry by essentially starting "plan B" before I wrote the letter. I understand the principles of MB for the most part, but when it comes to implementing them in my own situation, I screw it up.

I added this: "I feel that allowing you to callously disregard my feelings would be to teach my children the wrong message about what is acceptable in a relationship." in the long paragraph.


Anyway, I had to send it b/c S13 is with ww today and they will eventually get around to discussing what I told him last night: "I can't continue to talk to Mom while she is developing a relationship with another man, that my heart was in too much pain and it hurt too much to see her and talk to her" (of course she (and om) have put such a spin on the sitch that I feel like a fool when he says "no they're not" but I explained that I see things differently.) I have avoided her since Tuesday and she knows something's up; we've gone through this before with me not communicating and she usually just talks me off the ledge and gets me to cave in, and ultimately carries on in whatever way she wants. I really don't want it to be like that again. Not sure I have the strength. Frankly I felt to continue to just not talk to her without some explanation would be disrespectful to her and I don't want to stoop to that level.

It's not a perfect letter. I'm sure there are DJ's that I don't even see. But I tried. I've decided the only thing I have to lose is $142/wk if I pi$$ her off enough to go for my jugular financially in her anger. I'll lose my house, but keep my dignity. I guess it's worth it.

opt

Opt- I didn't think that your letter was worthless or too bad, there was just some things I thought could have used some tweeking but I am in too much of my own thing to help you out. I feel badly that you didn't get some help with it.

I have to tell you to be TOTALLY prepared for your WW to try to break through your PLan B dark curtain. Show her that this time, you mean business. That you will not cave in. You will be fine.

Sorry that you had to join us Plan Bers but it really isn't that bad a gig once you get the hang of it.

Scot, thanks. I'm hard to help, because I've not really been following the plan(s) they way one is supposed to, I get that part. I don't blame folks if they don't jump in. Besides, I'm practically divorced and am looking to get out of what I now believe was an essentially loveless marriage; there are plenty of others who should be getting the immediate attention of the vets (like, you Scotty!). (I consider it triage, and totally respect the concept)

True to form, I didn't stick to the plan. BUT, I didn't cave.

Ww came barreling over here after she read the email/Plan B letter (of course I wasn't answering my phone). She cornered me into having a discussion that I couldn't get out of without making a scene in front of the kids. Of course she tried to defend her position to some extent. I stuck to my guns "you are hurting me and I won't allow it anymore."

She repeated over and over that their friendship did NOT mean more to her than our friendship. She acknowledged that she had been hurting me. She also acknowledged that she has started to realize how selfish she had been (sighting specific examples). She stated it was more important for us to have a harmonious relationship, especially for the kids, than for her to be friends with POM#2. She promised to discontinue their friendship. She said if he didn't understand then he wasn't the type of friend she wanted anyway.

I said it was against my better judgement to trust a known cheater. I told her I have one small shed of trust in her remaining and if she went back on that promise I would be obliterated, as would be whatever was left of our relationship.

**I just found this email she wrote prior to driving over to my house:
"I will stop being friends with POM#2 so that we can work through these issues. Please call me. WW"



Scot. I think she knew I meant business this time. I think I scared her. The things she said weren't that foggy. I recognize fog. I think she really meant it when she said I meant more to her than POM#2. (What a shocker!) The kids know how I feel. They know the promise she made.

Okay, maybe I'm the biggest sucker that ever walked the face of the earth. I'm risking my dignity against trusting the mother of my children one last time. What do I have to lose? I've been crushed before and rose from the ashes. At least I made my point, and stood up to her the best I could, with help from MB.

opt

Opt- I know that you have not always followed the MB way. It is your journey and you get to do it the way you want. What frustrates the people on here is that MB is a tried tested and true way. Does it GUARANTEE M recovery? Heck NO. Does it mean that you can have a happy and successful M? HECK YES. You didn't follow the MB way this time. But now that you know better you are doing better.

I don't by any means believe that any one of us here deserve to be posted to any more than anyone else. Sometimes people just don't have any advice to give. You know, even the people that don't follow MB to the letter have advice they can give if only to say, "don't do it like I did." I am sure you will be GREAT and you will SURVIVE. Your journey isn't over.

I hope for your sake and for the sake of your children that your WW will do what she says. Unfortunately for me, I don't buy it. I hope I am proven wrong.

I just want to chime in here, Opt. I thought you're letter was fine. There can always be some tweaking. It got the desired results, yes? You got her attention!

I'm getting ready to write a letter to my wife, and will use some of what you wrote. I'm also going to use part of a post from Limbo where he explains why he wants to save his marriage. It's awesome. I'm writing the letter because even though Mrs. Linus has said that she wants to stay together and work on the marriage, she's not 'walking the walk'. I'll explain a lot more on my own thread.

I have to say guys like you and Limbo have been a huge help and inspiration to me. It's been a very rocky ride, especially the past couple of weeks. It's good to have the support of everyone here.

Keep doing what you're doing, which is following your heart. In the end, that's all that matters, right?

Opt- I am encouraged by the immediate results of your letter. I caution you to not jump right back in with complete trust. I think she needs to commit to much more than simply not being friends with POSOM #2 anymore before you welcome her back into your life. Does she know that you are interested in more than a 'harmonious freindship'?

Until she is ready, willing, and demonstrates the capacity to be your WIFE again (and not just a friend), I would work out the IM and stay dark. I think she is still conflicted and doesn't understand that you want/need the whole marriage, and not just a continuing friendship on account of the kids.

Interesting. When I read Opt's response, I got the impression that he was looking for her to merely play nice (ie. NOT play with OM, friendship on account of the kids), until things were final. I didn't get the impression he wrote this letter as a tool to get Mrs. Opt recommitted to the M.

I think she wants Opt as buddy. She wants the 'fantasy divorce'. Just my interpretation.


TB

Maybe I mis-interpreted what Opt really wants. In his letter I took it to be a path back to the marriage and that he wasn't without hope, however he expressed that he cannot continue their relationship 'as is'.

I think he still wants the marriage and more than a cordial relationship.

Help us out here Opt, what do you really want right now?

Opt,

What's done is done...... The letter was fine. However....... The desired results were for total darkness. I do NOT believe she is going to give up OM, not for ONE SECOND, do I believe this.

What she is going to do is just keep her ineractions with him further under ground. And while she does this, when the kids catch her, and they will...mark my words on this, she is going to tell them, "daddy doesn't need to know about this. Let's keep this to ourselves....", which will be teaching them that it's OKAY to lie. Opt, this is the kind of crap my mother TAUGHT me at the tender age of 11-13, when she was bringing my sister and I around OM nearly every weekend........do you that today, BECAUSE of those actions and learning first hand the pain of adultery through H's affair, I am in Plan B with my mother?.......

Opt, I feel for you, I really really do. But the plans are there for a reason, and it's to protect YOU.......which is who I am most concerned about.

I too hope this woman proves me wrong. I will have no problem eating that dish of humble pie, but unfortunately, I have seen too much of the opposite happen......

{{{{{Opt}}}}}}

Not2fun

Thanks Scot, again. You're right, I'm on a path to be the example of what not to do as far as MB. I can live with that. I also am very interested in really learning the MB concepts so that I can take them into my next relationship. I'm re-reading HNHN and generally applying whatever principles I can to everyday life, e.g. as a parent.

I kinda just want to get this whole episode behind me as much as I can and in as much of "one piece" as I can be. Then move on.

(I can't get a puppy though, I just had all my hardwood floors done and he would ruin them. )

~opt

Linus, thanks for the encouragement and I'm glad my story has been helpful for you. I've been bogged down with all this, but I'll get on your thread ASAP. I know you have a lot of limbo going on and I feel for you.

Ummm, I'm trying not to follow my heart too much though, Linus. My heart got me into this mess, starting 15 years ago. kwim?? To paraphrase (loosely) Mel, "I don't know how to do this myself, I need MB to help."

ww followed her heart right into an affair, and into a divorce.

~opt