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So is that a yes or a no?
I'm not saying that depression is not a chemical imbalance, nor is MelodyLane.
Did you get the chance to go back and look at those numbers?
Last edited by markos; 04/07/10 09:46 AM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Hello,
One thing that struck me right off the bat about your W is what kind of a doctor is this that she is going to? Trying meds all the time, not seeming to have any rhyme or reason Ritalin for depression?
Depression is a real illness, and true clinical depression doesn't look like "being sad." I'l share a little of our story. After I had my first child, things just changed. Looking back, I probably had post-partem depression. But it was more than that. I was irritable. I would rage at my H. I just wanted to run away sometimes - okay, a lot of times. I could seem fine everywhere but home. Of course, I deduced that it must be all H's fault. And no matter what he tried to say, it wasn't the right thing. I knew I wasn't right. This wasn't me. Ocassionally I tried anti-depressants, but then I just got agitated or even more angry or numb.
We kind of limped along, and I found some things that made me happy like a good job and fun friends and stuff, and for awhile things seemed better. I still resented my H, but I had kind of decided to just live my life and let him live his. Then I started taking another AD, a new one, this time for mitral valve prolapse. And I started feeling better...a lot better. I had energy, I had creativity, I had less need for sleep. It was awesome. I lost 12 pounds in a month, ran twice a day, slept less and less, write poetry, socialized, wore short skirts, spent money, had an affair, etc, etc, etc,
Until I crashed and everything just fell apart. I ended up at a doctor's office a complete wreck, and for the first time, a physician spent lots of time really talking with me and having me fill out lots of questionaires, etc. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. That's why not all of my depression hadn't looked like depression. That's why my moods were erratic.
I would never ever diagnose someone I don't know. I am not a doctor, and I don't know them. But in women, sometimes depression doesn't look like depression because it's not. It's just a thought.
Now, bipolar disorder is real, and I do take meds, and there are times I have problems. But throughout all of that, I am still responsible to be a wife and mother. Whatevr your W's problems may be, waiting until she has them under control is not a viable plan. My H has type I diabetes. He can't wait until his sugar is perfect to go to work. If he can, he has to go to work no matter what his sugar level. Mental Ilness is the same. You push through it every way you can, and when you can't, you get the real help you need asap. I can tell you why your W may be making it everywhere else and being dull and lifeless at home. She fakes it everywhere else because she has to. Home is where she goes to die, so to speak. I have been there. But it isn't fair to my family, and it only makes things worse in the long run.
As far as SF goes, I am not a good one to give advice on that one. Meds have never ever quelled my very high desire for SF. Some have hindered my ability to "O", but the desire? It's always there. So I can't really relate to the idea of not wanting SF. Even when I couldn't stnad my H, I still wanted to have SF (weird, I know, but that's just me).
Listen to the vets here. There are people who have been here for years who had loads of junk to deal with when they first came who are in amazing marriages now.
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Thats a very scary plan, MrA. It won't be too long before there is absolutely no love left in your marriage if you follow this strategy. Is the plan to tolerate her abuse until you grow to hate her? Or worse, have an affair? She's been on medication for depression for almost 9 years...we've been married almost 12...we've had a great healthy marriage...a little over a year ago, we met some friends and they were involved with an "alternative medicine doctor"...my wife started going to him and he told her she need to come off her medication...it was poisoning her body...IF I understood depression as an illness, I would've advised her not too...but I was fine with it...once she was off her medication, about 3 months later, she became possessed and it was during that time she wanted a separation... So my plan is to yes, tolerate her irritability...work on myself, be more understanding and supportive, until she can find a medication or combo of meds that agree with her...she's only been back on her med's for 7 months... I've been doing the Love Busting...I was failing at not understanding how going on medications and how changing medications affect a person...I was like so...you can still function, why not meet my need for SF and in me doing so, I was Love Busting, because I was putting my needs before Her needs...does that make sense.
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One thing that struck me right off the bat about your W is what kind of a doctor is this that she is going to? Trying meds all the time, not seeming to have any rhyme or reason Ritalin for depression? She's going to a psychiatrist and I really can't tell you how often she has changed medication...it could be her doctor is just adding to what she's already taking... in regard to Ritalin, that's not for her depression, but for her lack of energy...I've read that Ritalin is addictive and a class C drug...heroin addicts uses Ritalin in rehab to come off of their addiction to heroin...it scares me, but her doctor assures her that it's ok to use under doctor supervision... The rest of your story I can relate to...I don't know if my wife is Bipolar, her mother is Bipolar...sometimes my wife believes she maybe Bipolar, but her doctor doesn't seem to think so. I can tell you why your W may be making it everywhere else and being dull and lifeless at home. She fakes it everywhere else because she has to. Home is where she goes to die, so to speak. I have been there. But it isn't fair to my family, and it only makes things worse in the long run. This makes me sad, because I feel this is where my wife is...what advice can you give me...i really don't believe that calling the Harley's is going to "snap" my wife out of this and all will be well again...
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MrA, nothing you say makes any sense to me. I am sorry. I don't see how the things you suggest ["endure" "wait"] will ever lead to a happy marriage or make your wife happy. You say you used to have a "healthy marriage" but then go onto say your wife was depressed then. That is not a happy marriage. That is just enduring. A continuation of that unhealthy, dysfunctional practice will only kill any remaining love you have for your wife. And then your marriage is really done.
As someone who suffered from lifelong depression myself, I can tell you that my marriage was the main thing that brought me down. Funny, when I rid myself of that husband, the depression evaporated. That being said, if I had used this program back then - along with some other minor changes, like cleaning up my diet, etc - I often wonder where that marriage would be.
So, you can take it or leave it, MrA, but I am someone who has a) licked depression and b) has a happy marriage and I am here to tell you having a happy marriage affects all areas of my life and I predict it could for your wife too if you used this program. Maybe the others you mentioned all have happy, romantic marriages and can show you how to do it, but so can I.
I get the sense that you want to live in the problem rather than the solution, and that is ok. That is your prerogative. If you decide to change that, give me a shout.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So is that a yes or a no?
I'm not saying that depression is not a chemical imbalance, nor is MelodyLane.
Did you get the chance to go back and look at those numbers? Yes, I understand that the members I've listed may not have the experience that Melody may have in regard to the MB's concept...but they do have depression experience first hand... from my wife's point of view, it's not an unhappy marriage that has gotten her depressed...as I've stated before, after the birth of our first child, she went on meds and our marriage was great...this episode we're in at the moment is a result of her coming off her meds completely and then going back on them and me not fully understanding how that makes a person feel. Does MB's have any articles on dealing with spouses with clinical depression and how spouses affected by this illness can cope?
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This makes me sad, because I feel this is where my wife is...what advice can you give me...i really don't believe that calling the Harley's is going to "snap" my wife out of this and all will be well again... Is "enduring" the status quo going to "snap" her out of it?  Is doping her up going to snap her out of it? Give me a break, MrA. Get her on the phone with someone who can give her some HOPE of a romantic, passionate marriage. A depressed person needs HOPE along with an ACTION PLAN. Sitting around waiting for feelings for change is a waste of time that will get you nowhere, because FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS. I get the feeling that you have to have a 100% guarantee to try the Harleys, but you are getting absolutely nothing from your current cast of characters.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[Yes, I understand that the members I've listed may not have the experience that Melody may have in regard to the MB's concept...but they do have depression experience first hand... Me too. And I have a happy marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MrA, here is an excellent article by Dr Harley on this subject: Whenever a spouse I counsel for marital problems suffers from severe depression, my first item of business is to treat the depression, not the marital problems. The treatment, however, is much simpler than most people think. Anti-depressant medication is the ticket. It greatly relieves, if not eliminates entirely, a depressive state so that the spouse I counsel can succeed in meeting the other spouse's emotional needs. As his depression is lifted, he seizes opportunities both in his marriage and at his job, that makes him more successful. In the end, his self-esteem is restored because he finds himself successful in achieving his life's ambitions. I do not believe that counseling to improve self-esteem, apart from showing people how to be successful, ever really improves self-esteem.
The approach that I use to save marriages looks at the present and future for solutions. I encourage you not to worry about your husband's past, his self-esteem or whether or not he loves himself. After he is treated medically for depression, focus your attention on the way you treat each other in the here and now.
Your biggest hurdle will be to follow my Policy of Joint Agreement (Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). His depression has made it impossible for him to follow that policy, and by failing to follow it, you have both been developing habits that make you increasingly incompatible. You are coming to a point in your relationship where you will be so incompatible that you will not be able to live together anymore, and you will end the relationship. When his depression lifts, he will be in an emotional position to learn new habits, habits that will restore compatibility to your relationship. By following the Policy of Joint Agreement you will eliminate all the things you're doing that grate on each other, and you will substitute behavior and activities that make both of you comfortable.
If either of you feels you cannot follow that Policy, it means that you are willing to gain at the other's expense, and that will eventually ruin your relationship. When you follow the Policy of Joint Agreement you create compatibility by taking each other's feelings into account, especially when you don't feel like it. When you feel the most self-centered, that's when you need it the most. If you cared about each other all the time, you would follow the policy instinctively, but in every relationship, there are times that we care far more about ourselves than we care about our spouses. So by following this rule day in and day out, you keep your relationship healthy when your instincts would tend to ruin it.
You and every other couple can have a terrific relationship regardless of your past. Granted, your spouse's depression must be treated, and, in my judgment, anti-depressant medication should do the trick. But his past has left him with all sorts of unpleasant habits which must change before you can have a happy marriage. If you follow the Policy of Joint Agreement as soon as his depression lifts, you will have that relationship.
If anyone reading this column is suffering from the disabling condition, depression, help is already available to you. Medical science has found an incredible cure that should leave you free to solve your marital problems intelligently and completely. Don't ignore it, take care of it now.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MrA, here is an excellent article by Dr Harley on this subject:
[quote]Whenever a spouse I counsel for marital problems suffers from severe depression, my first item of business is to treat the depression, not the marital problems. The treatment, however, is much simpler than most people think. Anti-depressant medication is the ticket. It greatly relieves, if not eliminates entirely, a depressive state so that the spouse I counsel can succeed in meeting the other spouse's emotional needs. As his depression is lifted, he seizes opportunities both in his marriage and at his job, that makes him more successful. In the end, his self-esteem is restored because he finds himself successful in achieving his life's ambitions. I do not believe that counseling to improve self-esteem, apart from showing people how to be successful, ever really improves self-esteem.
The approach that I use to save marriages looks at the present and future for solutions. I encourage you not to worry about your husband's past, his self-esteem or whether or not he loves himself. After he is treated medically for depression, focus your attention on the way you treat each other in the here and now.
Your biggest hurdle will be to follow my Policy of Joint Agreement (Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). His depression has made it impossible for him to follow that policy, and by failing to follow it, you have both been developing habits that make you increasingly incompatible. You are coming to a point in your relationship where you will be so incompatible that you will not be able to live together anymore, and you will end the relationship. When his depression lifts, he will be in an emotional position to learn new habits, habits that will restore compatibility to your relationship. By following the Policy of Joint Agreement you will eliminate all the things you're doing that grate on each other, and you will substitute behavior and activities that make both of you comfortable.
If either of you feels you cannot follow that Policy, it means that you are willing to gain at the other's expense, and that will eventually ruin your relationship. When you follow the Policy of Joint Agreement you create compatibility by taking each other's feelings into account, especially when you don't feel like it. When you feel the most self-centered, that's when you need it the most. If you cared about each other all the time, you would follow the policy instinctively, but in every relationship, there are times that we care far more about ourselves than we care about our spouses. So by following this rule day in and day out, you keep your relationship healthy when your instincts would tend to ruin it.
You and every other couple can have a terrific relationship regardless of your past. Granted, your spouse's depression must be treated, and, in my judgment, anti-depressant medication should do the trick. But his past has left him with all sorts of unpleasant habits which must change before you can have a happy marriage. If you follow the Policy of Joint Agreement as soon as his depression lifts, you will have that relationship.
If anyone reading this column is suffering from the disabling condition, depression, help is already available to you. Medical science has found an incredible cure that should leave you free to solve your marital problems intelligently and completely. Don't ignore it, take care of it now. Well there it is Melody!!!! That's what I've been looking for... The doctor's first order of business is to treat the depression, NOT the marital problems...medication is the ticket...once the depression lifts the doctor's counseling can succeed... I've been trying to address the marital problems since I found this site back in mid-December, but it hasn't been working and I've been frustrated and Love Busting... Therefore, as Dr. Harley suggests i should allow my wife to treat her depression...get it back to where she's managing it...and Dr, Harley can't I assume prescribe her medication over the phone...even if he could I wouldn't allow it...and then work the MB concepts.
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Therefore, as Dr. Harley suggests i should allow my wife to treat her depression...get it back to where she's managing it...and Dr, Harley can't I assume prescribe her medication over the phone...even if he could I wouldn't allow it...and then work the MB concepts. MrA, the difference is that you have been dealing with this "depression" for YEARS. Dr Harley is not suggesting that. In it he prescribes anti-depressants, and then gets on with the program. The treatment, however, is much simpler than most people think. Anti-depressant medication is the ticket. He doesn't send the client off to "counseling" for 10 years. Hasn't your W been in counseling for YEARS? Been depressed for YEARS? How many years are you willig to endure the status quo? Anyway, I don't get the sense that you are looking for solutions, but rather ways to endure an already established way of life.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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i really don't believe that calling the Harley's is going to "snap" my wife out of this and all will be well again... Nobody is telling you that it will.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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[quote=MelodyLane]MrA, here is an excellent article by Dr Harley on this subject: Whenever a spouse I counsel for marital problems suffers from severe depression, my first item of business is to treat the depression, not the marital problems. The treatment, however, is much simpler than most people think. Anti-depressant medication is the ticket. It greatly relieves, if not eliminates entirely, a depressive state so that the spouse I counsel can succeed in meeting the other spouse's emotional needs. As his depression is lifted, he seizes opportunities both in his marriage and at his job, that makes him more successful. In the end, his self-esteem is restored because he finds himself successful in achieving his life's ambitions. I do not believe that counseling to improve self-esteem, apart from showing people how to be successful, ever really improves self-esteem.
The approach that I use to save marriages looks at the present and future for solutions. I encourage you not to worry about your husband's past, his self-esteem or whether or not he loves himself. After he is treated medically for depression, focus your attention on the way you treat each other in the here and now.
Your biggest hurdle will be to follow my Policy of Joint Agreement (Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). His depression has made it impossible for him to follow that policy, and by failing to follow it, you have both been developing habits that make you increasingly incompatible. You are coming to a point in your relationship where you will be so incompatible that you will not be able to live together anymore, and you will end the relationship. When his depression lifts, he will be in an emotional position to learn new habits, habits that will restore compatibility to your relationship. By following the Policy of Joint Agreement you will eliminate all the things you're doing that grate on each other, and you will substitute behavior and activities that make both of you comfortable.
If either of you feels you cannot follow that Policy, it means that you are willing to gain at the other's expense, and that will eventually ruin your relationship. When you follow the Policy of Joint Agreement you create compatibility by taking each other's feelings into account, especially when you don't feel like it. When you feel the most self-centered, that's when you need it the most. If you cared about each other all the time, you would follow the policy instinctively, but in every relationship, there are times that we care far more about ourselves than we care about our spouses. So by following this rule day in and day out, you keep your relationship healthy when your instincts would tend to ruin it.
You and every other couple can have a terrific relationship regardless of your past. Granted, your spouse's depression must be treated, and, in my judgment, anti-depressant medication should do the trick. But his past has left him with all sorts of unpleasant habits which must change before you can have a happy marriage. If you follow the Policy of Joint Agreement as soon as his depression lifts, you will have that relationship.
If anyone reading this column is suffering from the disabling condition, depression, help is already available to you. Medical science has found an incredible cure that should leave you free to solve your marital problems intelligently and completely. Don't ignore it, take care of it now. Well there it is Melody!!!! That's what I've been looking for... The doctor's first order of business is to treat the depression, NOT the marital problems...medication is the ticket...once the depression lifts the doctor's counseling can succeed... I've been trying to address the marital problems since I found this site back in mid-December, but it hasn't been working and I've been frustrated and Love Busting... Therefore, as Dr. Harley suggests i should allow my wife to treat her depression...get it back to where she's managing it...and Dr, Harley can't I assume prescribe her medication over the phone...even if he could I wouldn't allow it...and then work the MB concepts. Mr.A, did you read every word of this article that Melody posted? Or just the beginning, or skim it?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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MrA, the difference is that you have been dealing with this "depression" for YEARS. Dr Harley is not suggesting that. In it he prescribes anti-depressants, and then gets on with the program. [quote=Dr Harley] The treatment, however, is much simpler than most people think. Anti-depressant medication is the ticket. I've said this before Melody...please listen...when we had our first child, my wife became depressed...why? I'm not sure...but she went on medication...she's been on the meds for YEARS, yes, BUT we were not "dealing" with it...her depression was being "managed" Our marriage was happy and satisfying for both of us through this time... Think of it like a diabetic...the disease can only be "managed"...you don't go on meds...get it under control and then believe you can quit it... My wife a little over a year ago, came off her medication...that melody was a mistake that we both are now realizing...her depression has to be managed. He doesn't send the client off to "counseling" for 10 years. Hasn't your W been in counseling for YEARS? Been depressed for YEARS? How many years are you willig to endure the status quo? No, we haven't been in counseling for YEARS upon YEARS...we started counseling AFTER she came off her meds and things became a problem for us in 2009...only now we're realizing that that what happens when you stop managing depression. She's been back on her meds for 7 months... YET, as I've admitted, I've did some Love Busting not understanding her depression...so as she's getting her meds straightened out...I'm learning the MB's concept to meet her needs and to help me in learning to understand and be supportive until her depression lifts. I'd be interested to see Dr. Harley's advice on what to do once his clients depression is under control and being managed...I wonder if he brings them off their medication or if he keeps them on it to manage the depression?
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Mr.A, did you read every word of this article that Melody posted? Or just the beginning, or skim it? yes, I've read it all...and the consensus is that the depression must be treated first...do you read something different? I'm not making any excuses...I don't understand depression...how it affects a person...we had a great relationship up until she came off her meds...is it my fault, did I fail her in meeting her needs?
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Looking at your last two posts, Mr.A, yes, I see a difference. Are you reading that article as if it says get the depressed person on medication to manage their depression, permanently, and never go off of those meds? Because that is not at all what it says, and that is not how Dr. Harley advises use of anti-depressant medication. In every situation I have seen him comment on, he recommended medication for a limited period of time IN CONJUNCTION with a plan to restore the marriage IN ORDER to make it possible for the depressed person to engage in the plan, so that eventually the depressed person could come off of the medication.
Going on medication without a plan to restore the marriage is a bust. Things will never get better.
Going off of medication because some naturalist said so is also a bust, as you've seen.
What you need is BOTH medication AND a plan to restore the marriage. You've tried medication, and I'm sure you can get it again. Meanwhile, what is your plan to restore your marriage?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Looking at your last two posts, Mr.A, yes, I see a difference. Are you reading that article as if it says get the depressed person on medication to manage their depression, permanently, and never go off of those meds? Because that is not at all what it says, and that is not how Dr. Harley advises use of anti-depressant medication. In every situation I have seen him comment on, he recommended medication for a limited period of time IN CONJUNCTION with a plan to restore the marriage IN ORDER to make it possible for the depressed person to engage in the plan, so that eventually the depressed person could come off of the medication. Again, I'm no expert in depression as depression relates to "chemical imbalances" ...I understand there's different types of moodiness that may fall under the blanket of "depression"... for instance my wife cheats on me and Dr. Harley insists I go on medication to address the "stress" or "anxiety" or whatever I may be under, until our marriage can recover (assuming I want the marriage to recover)...once the marriage is in full recovery...Dr. may suggest I come off the medication...in this case it's perfectly fine...this scenario however, isn't the same as someone with a "chemical imbalance"... I would be willing to bet the bank that if Dr. Harley is worth his salt as a medical doctor, diagnosed someone with Bipolar disorder, he'd not suggest they come off their medication... I'm not saying my wife's depression is that sever, but she does have some sort of chemical imbalance that needs to be managed...my wife's mom is bipolar...I've seen what happens when she gets away from taking her meds...it's not a pretty sight. What you need is BOTH medication AND a plan to restore the marriage. You've tried medication, and I'm sure you can get it again. Meanwhile, what is your plan to restore your marriage? And that is what we are doing...my wife is back on medication and she/we are in counseling that is the plan... it took 4 pages and the members responding that experience depression to make me realize that during this time of her readjusting to her meds, I was being a jerk and thinking of my own needs, by pressuring her into SF when she really didn't feel like it...I screwed up...IF I was understanding of what she was going through, and I'd taken the first hint when she told me that she didn't feel good and backed off...we wouldn't be in this position today...BUT I took her saying NO, I'm not feeling well, personally...and as time went on and I kept pushing SF, she got turned off by it...I realize this now... So my plan is to show her I do care for her and I understand or am learning to understand and have compassion...I can only do that by following the MB's process of meeting her needs...spending UA time with her, showing her that I truly care and love her without expecting a reward (SF)...even though SF is my top EN...over time I can gain her trust and respect. She still loves me, she's just put out with me right now... Hope this makes sense...
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All I can do is continue to use MB's for my own personal use Nope, that's not all you can do. I'll have to turn the other cheek and just not engage her... Did the Man who spoke the phrase " turn the other cheek" also teach this strategy of abdicating leadership in your family and not engaging your wife? Thanks to "thinkinitthru66", "the AntiChick" and "ash1220" I wish you'd add MelodyLane to that list, and put her at the front. Please go back up and look at the names of all four of these people (including MelodyLane). Look below the names. You will see the date they joined Marriage Builders and the number of posts they have made. Compare the three you listed to MelodyLane. I am not knocking those three, but what I want you to see is that MelodyLane is a long time Marriage Builders learner and teacher. She has seen your situation many times before. She has seen people do what you are saying before. She has seen it not work before. She has also seen people turn their marriages around. She knows what they did differently. If you love your wife and want her to be happy, will you please listen closely to MelodyLane? Hey, what are you getting at Markos? Just kiidding. I wholeheartedly agree. I have not achieved success with MB yet. I am not a vet, and most of the time I am speaking in terms of theory and not applied, tested and found true theory. ML is. She has actually ACHIEVED the goal that MB helps us to achieve.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 1,178
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 1,178 |
If you don�t mind me analyzing this a bit . . . I'm not discounting the advice of others...but depression from what I've learned is a serious illness and I suspect there's a lot of divorces on the books due to this illness alone and the lack of understanding it and managing it. I�ve found that acceptance is a much better strategy than understanding or managing. Some things, like depression, can�t be fully understood, and if it�s someone else, it�s not our job to manage THEIR problem. That�s their responsibility, unless they are a child or mentally deficient. (geez, I hope I�m not offending anyone with that term, trying to be as PC as possible) My wife's mom is Bi-Polar, with Bi-Polar there are "peaks" and "valleys"...She can fall in love and be all giddy at a "peak" and then be stuck in bed depressed during a "valley"...and this isn't triggered by a marriage that is in failure...she's been divorced 6 times...she's been on meds for the past 12 years and has since been married for 6 years...a record for her. I find it very interesting that you have married someone with a similar problem. Something you should look at. Because it is very likely that your wife�s behavior is triggering stuff in you from WAY back in your childhood. I know that I do that with my husband, because me and his mom do have a lot of similarities (scary!). So he often reacts without being aware of it. My wife is VERY opinionated and isn't shy about letting you or the world know how she feels...yet in discussing things with her privately and in counseling, there's nothing she can pinpoint specifically that I'm doing that makes her unhappy... it's just that little things people do "irritate" her and she doesn't know how to deal with it... [/quote} Your wife is not being honest. I spot it �cause I got it. I have cultivated a habit of being incredibly open and candid with people, be they strangers, friends, family, etc. Most people think I�m an extrovert. And most of them think I�m honest. Now, I don�t go around telling lies. But I keep people from knowing me by being very candid about what I�m comfortable sharing, so that they don�t know that I�m being dishonest by omission. Now, this is perfectly acceptable with friends, acquaintances, and many family members. It�s a boundary. But with those for whom deep intimacy should be present, like my husband, this sort of thing won�t work at all. Or with therapists, too. I know how to throw them off with my candid manner, and they are left scratching their heads wondering why I�m unhappy. It�s a sick pastime  I finally let my MC in on it after about two months of sessions with him. I get the sense that the Harleys are able to cut through that crap pretty quick. [quote] I believe depression IS a chemical imbalance and regardless of what state a person with this imbalance is in, within their marriage, depression can take hold of the person... There's a difference between being down and feeling the blues or losing a loved one to cancer and being depressed...most people like myself, can get depressed and after a few days...a week or two, bounce back. Clinical depression isn't the same...what I'm finding out... If it were clinical depression based on a chemical imbalance she would probably be responding to meds. There are many types of depression. I forgot which one I was �diagnosed� with . . . I think it was called �dysthymia� or something like that. Anyway, it was described to me as �low-grade chronic depression� meaning that it was not as severe as full-blown clinical depression, was not necessarily a chemical imbalance, was often situational but lasting (chronic) and one of the hallmarks at the time was that it didn�t respond to traditional treatments. Your wife has tried meds, and she�s tried �talk therapy� with no results. Has she tried a behavioral modification program? Perhaps she could look into that sort of therapy next. FYI, MB is also a behavior-based program.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 1,178
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 1,178 |
MrA, the difference is that you have been dealing with this "depression" for YEARS. Dr Harley is not suggesting that. In it he prescribes anti-depressants, and then gets on with the program. [quote=Dr Harley] The treatment, however, is much simpler than most people think. Anti-depressant medication is the ticket. I've said this before Melody...please listen...when we had our first child, my wife became depressed...why? I'm not sure...but she went on medication...she's been on the meds for YEARS, yes, BUT we were not "dealing" with it...her depression was being "managed" Our marriage was happy and satisfying for both of us through this time... Think of it like a diabetic...the disease can only be "managed"...you don't go on meds...get it under control and then believe you can quit it... My wife a little over a year ago, came off her medication...that melody was a mistake that we both are now realizing...her depression has to be managed. He doesn't send the client off to "counseling" for 10 years. Hasn't your W been in counseling for YEARS? Been depressed for YEARS? How many years are you willig to endure the status quo? No, we haven't been in counseling for YEARS upon YEARS...we started counseling AFTER she came off her meds and things became a problem for us in 2009...only now we're realizing that that what happens when you stop managing depression. She's been back on her meds for 7 months... YET, as I've admitted, I've did some Love Busting not understanding her depression...so as she's getting her meds straightened out...I'm learning the MB's concept to meet her needs and to help me in learning to understand and be supportive until her depression lifts. I'd be interested to see Dr. Harley's advice on what to do once his clients depression is under control and being managed...I wonder if he brings them off their medication or if he keeps them on it to manage the depression? What was your wife like when she was on the meds? Was she happy? Was she herself? Or was she just numb?
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