I read After the Affair, and it helped me and my husband, so if that helps you any....

It won't hurt to also read Surviving an Affair. You will probably read about a hundred books, Deer, so you might as well buy them. Harley's gives you concrete advice on what to actually DO, and how to do it right. Also, this website supports you in going forward and doing the groundwork for getting your thinking straight, putting plans into place, and fine-tuning your plans so that your marriage goes into the future with the proper foundation. So this affair crappolla doesn't REPEAT.


I like that you are kind of panicked. You need to be. It will help in your motivation - but don't go into this with the idea that you can fix this in a hurry. Because that panic you feel may cause you to want to rush, and you will overlook things that are very important, things that cannot be rushed. Let's work first on changing that panic into an active motivator that is more positive for you - instead of panic, think "what can I actively do or change within my life today that will move me toward being a better husband". This makes you much more focused - and gets you goal-driven.


Since your wife is at a distance, my advice:

Call her before work
Call her at lunch
Call her when you get home


And if you get a chance, email her in the day. Let her know exactly where you have been, what you have been doing, and that your mind is on HER, loving HER, and working on doing what it takes to be a better man. Tell her the things you did that day toward that end - read this chapter (what you LEARNED from it!), how you recognize now at least one thing that you should have done but did not do before, etc. Make these things concrete - so she can hear what you are thinking about, since she cannot see the changes in you each day.

Also, this can help meet her emotional needs by supporting her need for conversation. Meet the affection EN by telling her funny things, jokes, things that you saw that were cute or that you laughed at. Make FRIENDS WITH HER AGAIN. Make your calls not only about the relationship, but about life, love, fun, happy things too.

Send her things in the mail. Maybe you found a little rock that was pretty? It made you think of her? Or picked a flower and dried it and mailed it to her? These things don't even have to cost one cent - but send with love to her. Take photos of your office, out the window, and then put an X where your heart misses her........


Do things for her, even long distance. You would be surprised at how much a little thing can do.



SB

I want to give you all an update and share something that I feel good about.

I have ordered a copy of SAA for both her and I. She is reading the other book and I should have gotten mine in the mail today but it didn't come, hopefully they will both be here soon, I want to start reading them.

This is maybe more then I should share, this may be something I keep between her and I but I feel pretty good about it and am going to share it here. I have been doing a lot of soul searching to try to answer her questions and to answer my own. This is a copy of an email I sent just a short time ago. She is out to eat with the kids and has not replied so I don't know how it will be received. I feel good because I feel that I have answered a couple questions I have been asking myself. Here goes...

I just thought of this as I was texting you back.

Earlier I was reading some of the marraige builder stuff and someone advised someone else to countinue to court the spouse they hurt. It just dawned on me that that is something I want. Let me explain a little more.

I am working on the emotional needs thing so I am writing things down. As I am writing them I have a lot of thoughts going through my head and one of them is..."it used to be like that, we used to do that, she used to do that, I used to do that". All thouse things that I am thinking are things we did before we were married or just after. I think I got lazy, I got to the point that I felt I didn't need to do those things anymore. I think, from what I have read that this is common after people have been married for a while.

I need to think about it more but I may have been missing the challange of having to impress someone. I am thinking that you are probably thinking "well if you feel that way, why did you stop with me", am I right? Please don't take this as I am blaming you, it isn't you that made me stop, I just did and I don't know why. Maybe that is why I did what I did.

I told you a while ago that as much as this sucks but that I was kind of excited about trying to work through this and this is why I said that. I thnink back to when we were dating and realize how much I like it. Probably being here and driving around and seeing old things has brought that out too. When I see things that are the same or go past a place that we went before I am constantly remembering things whether a significant memory or something as small as "I remember when (wife's name) and I went past here."

I am thinking of all the things that I must do to get you to be with me now and they are all the things that a guy has to do when he is dating a girl. I want to have the feeling that I am dating my wife everyday and that is how I am going to live from now on. I want to impress you everyday. I want to show you everyday how imporrtant you are to me.

Would you like to go out with me?

I love you


...I hope she takes it positively and not negatively. I have already sent it and I will just wait and see.

I just felt like sharing with those of you who have been helping me.

You are on the right track. It is about making your life loving, not routine.

Love is work - it isn't something that just grows on its own. Like any garden, it needs to be tended to. You have to add things to it, bring in new plants, rotate things around from time to time. You can't just expect things to feel good if you add NOTHING.

I once asked my husband why he thought our marriage could be a great thing

if he was spending so much time and work tending another relationship?

I said that if he had spent just HALF the time courting me, and seducing ME

that he spent on the OW

he would have had more sex and love than he could ever have hoped for

and a more enriched life than he ever imagined.


Instead, he chose the nuclear option.

T/J SB- I hate you. j/k I don't actually hate you. This is the second time that I read something that you wrote to someone else and I started to tear up. How do you do that? WOW. t/j over

deerhunter-Oh how I wish my WH would write something like that to me. Great stuff.

Well so much for being happy with that...not the reaction I was hoping for.

Oh god, how I wish I would have never put my life in this situation. I know I don't deserve anything good but how I wish I could have this one thing.

What do you mean not the reaction?????

Larry

Good things take time.





1 Corinthians

There will be up days and down days.

Every single day, do something to meet each of her top ENs. You were given great suggestions like mailing her a pretty rock. It's the dumb little things that count for so much, because they say "I was thinking of you all day, even in the most mundane of times."

You might want to lighten up on so much relationship talk and focus on the actions more. Face it, she's heard lying words from your mouth so pretty words don't carry much weight with her right now. Actions, consitently, over time... that will carry weight.

dh71, I've been where you say you're at.

As others have advised, get reading SAA when it comes. It was a seriously important tool for my wife & me, and I'm awfully glad that our marriage counselor put us onto it.


You're military, so you'll get me when I suggest that right now, one of the best things you can do is to take what you want and stow it.

You may not have meant it this way, but words are windows on the soul sometimes, and when you go off lamenting what you did to your life, you oughtta stop yourself and think about where your wife fits into the thought-structure beneath those words of yours. (And know that this lil' rock I just verbally tossed at you to get your attention, got tossed at me too once, and I needed it.)

Maybe start thinking in terms of what you did to her life. Focus on what she wants & what she needs from you from day to day. If you aren't sure what that is from time to time, simply ask her. And be patient: Accept that you won't be able to make right everything that you've made wrong. You can't "earn" her forgiveness (that can only be granted by her as a gift), but you have to do your level best to try to earn it anyway... not with words alone (which are pretty cheap currency anyway for guys like you & me in the aftermath of our months of lies), but through deeds, through attentiveness to her needs, on a sustained basis.

You do have your thinking right in seeing that you need to be wooing her. You put a ring on her hand for a reason -- and it wasn't just what you wanted for you, but it was also how you felt then that you wanted to do right by her, for her -- and if you can take some time each morning & evening & during a coffee break & during a lunch break to re-remember that, then I think you'll be heading in the right direction.

G/O:

Good Post

LG

Today I got both books in the mail, made an appointment to speak to a councilor on Monday and some of you know that my wife (broken5sec) started a thread on here. I have to work tonight and then I am off for 2 days...I have a bunch of homework to do.

Is the general concesses that we should not read each others threads? I can see it as a benefit to read them (get the inside scoop) and also could be bad.

My wife also got her copy of SAA

I vote for staying OFF eachother's threads. There are things you both will read that will not be pleasant. This way you two will also be able to get specific advice that will be told to only one of you and then acted upon.

Think of it like this. What if, someone tells your BW to do something that you don't agree with. You read it and then you discuss what the person has said. Instead, your BW will get advice that she can choose to follow or not and she will ACT or NOT. I see it as WIN WIN for both of you to stay off. JMHO.

Read Elcamino's Thread and Rizos. They are a couple and were told to stay off eachother's threads. You could see why.

Staying off of each others threads means that you do NOT post on each others threads.

Reading each others threads can be very helpful if you are both able to discuss things being suggested without love busting one another. My wife warned me at the beginning of a post if she was venting. She posted a disclaimer like, "tst please don't read this one". But I never asked her to hold back, nor did I expect her to.

I told her tonight that I thought maybe it would better if we stayed off them. Maybe later we can see what they have on them.

It will be so hard though...

Absolutely stay off each other's threads. You can read if the other gives permission.

Is your appointment with the coaching center (nag alert)

If not, do read the post on selecting a counselor so you don't get a turkey. If something comes up you don't like, discuss it here and get feedback. And the session should start with individual counseling instead of the two of you, even if only for 15 or 20 minutes each.

Larry

Here's the thing that bothers me deerhunter, YOU are suggesting she not have the ability to check up on you!

As a FWH, this is always a red flag to me. It tells me about your state of mind. YOU made a decision and a suggestion that is typical wayward thinking! Sorry!

YOU have no right to SECRECY Deerhunter! Nor should you have asked!

MB is not about asking your W to let you have a thread that you want to keep secret..... do you see the problem with this idea?

Ok DH, based on what TST said, which was a good point, and I am not sure I totally agree with him, just advise her that she has full viewing rights on your thread, but you will not read hers without permission. As a suggestion...

As a check and balance, let's see if TST agrees, or not. What do you think TST?

Larry

Oh Please! A BS NEVER need ask permission to check up and verify what the WS is saying and doing.........

The WS has no right to ask such a thing as secrecy!