Every time I read your thread I see that you are getting good advice so I never read the whole thing. I tend to be a fixer also would analize my behavior and attempt to "behave" in ways that would get me what the "taker" side of my mind wanted. A happy marriage where my wife was happy, taking care of herself, and loved that we were together. Oh yeah and all the sex I could handle.. lol, sorry that was a want, not a need. What I needed was fidelity. Sex was a by-product of being in love. Along with how sex fit into an intimate relationship with the concepts we relate and physically respond to to sexually or in laymans terms, "Whatever blows your skirt up" but thats another topic.


Anyways I liked what Mark had to say and being a technician also he appeals to things I have observed also..mostly.. speaking from an analyitical point of view and trying so hard to do everything right or makes sense to me is not allways the answer. Maybe I could sometime in the future understand why certain things made my wife happy but for me to be close to her it was more important that I made her happy. You can read a million books on relationships and be the most awesome understanding husband in the universe but if you do not fill the love bank she will be distant from you. Thats just a fact. It doesn't allways make sense but you cannot educate her into trusting that she should recieve what you are giving because that is rejection of who she is. Just the way she is. She needs to FEEL that you love her just like that if she is to open her heart to you..

I have heard from old sages who have been married happily for years and one thing they have said tops almost all of thier advice.

"Don't try to understand Women, just love them." At first I thought of this as disrespect to women. Of course it can be but it was advice given to help in the heat of the battle when the emotional state of the marriage was in trouble, then it made sense. When times get tough you must still desire and work to fill the love bank and its up to the individual to find out what they need to feel loved, even if it makes no sense or is part of what we "think" they should want. Later on when trust is restored a balance usually will occur.

Here at MB we learn how to live and love with fairness and reality. We understand and become honest with who we are and realistic expectations. We learn how to stay in love as our ENs change and mature and stay in love our whole lives together. Being "in-love" must be maintained from someone elses investment in us. Someone who takes the time to attend to our needs as they understand them. When someone shuts down and stops letting us know what they need or makes a selfish mistake and goes down a bad road seeking something not even real regardless of what part we take in it we need to continue to love them. Restoring the "In-love" state is frustrating hard work. Many times because a lot has changed internally over time we have to fall in love again with this new person but if we put the past behind and forgive its a more deeper love than before. We fight for our marriage and for each other. The safety of being loved by someone eventually will restore that "anythings possible" in-love state.

Thinking about so many ppl who say "I don't know why they love me but I am sure glad they do" kind-of says a lot to me. They know they are flawed ppl who are lucky to have this other person in thier life who cares for them and they feel loved at the same time.

I think that when we are in love we are in a permenant "Plan A" that we are "enthusiastically" excited about because the other party is doing thier own Plan As...but we don't feel the pain of rejection so if we are following the plans to stay in love it just feels natural.

The good things about falling in love is we realize we belong with someone but the work of staying in love gives it more meaning.

I love your sig Markos and be patient with your wife. Have you ever read DoNoMos thread? He is also a lion who has recovered with his wife who he treasures as he was frustrated like any man gets.


Yeah and taking out the sliver is a preciuos thing. I bet you loved doing for her too. Those practical things we do in love..

Bill, thank you for trying to reason with me on Friday despite my bullheadedness. A lot of what you were telling me is much clearer to me in hindsight.

It's now obvious I should have simply told myself: "Okay, you screwed up again, and your account in her love bank has plummeted. The solution is to build it back up by ensuring that you do not love bust her and trying to meet her emotional needs. This is going to feel difficult and awkward at first, because her account in your love bank has also taken a giant beating, but if you want things to get better, this is what you are going to have to do. Because she is in withdrawal you will only be able to make small deposits at first, but this will get better after your balance has been built back up."

Everything I said Friday now reads to me like I was saying: "But it's awkward and hard and I don't feel like doing it!!!! WAAAAAAHHHHH!" I know that was probably obvious to everyone but me at the time. So hopefully I will go back and read that painful embarrassment the next time I hit an obstacle and not do it again!

You are absolutely right. I was basically pressuring her to talk, while claiming to have nothing to say, myself.

Please be sure to kick me and remind me of this the next time I report anything like this!

Sigmund freaud<sp> went to his grave without ever finding the answer to the question.."What do women want?".. Lol. well my answer to that works for men too.. "Everything they can get".

Thats what is beautiful about MB tho. We are accountable to tell each other what we want once we make the assesment of what it is,(and if its possible based on reality. Putting stuff on paper tends to help there), and loving our partner throught he tough times.

Your doing great IMO

Suggestions for responding in a loving way to this email exchange?

"Sounds like you're hurting inside. Want to share?"

Prisca will share with you her thoughts--which is terrific. And it seems to me, she'll say what she doesn't feel like doing and then do it anyway. Would you say that's close to her recent behavior?

Hits your fear buttons, doesn't it, Markos? Would hit mine...would feel rejected, abandoned by her saying that in my old state of mind. That was before the confirm or clarify...hand back her words and really hear her.

And I really like you informing her of your free time, today and tomorrow...how about also sharing your excitement or anticipation of spending that time with her? I like the asking very much...gonna push you to share more, initially.

'Cuz you're ready for more.

LA

Very often, yes.


Somewhat, but not as badly today.

I now have a written plan for meeting my wife's emotional needs. I wasn't very far into it before I started receiving what I would interpret as encouragement not to do it. Messages like "You don't have to do this." I chose to listen and encourage her to share, rather than to alter my plan.

Hear "You don't have to do this" and enthusiastically agree with her!

You're 100% right, honey! I'm doing this for me, because I choose you to love all the way through. Thank you for noticing I don't have to do it.

Go further...did you read that in my above statement? Volunteer your stuff, truthfully, when you offer actions...and make your #1 commitment to listen and repeat with filter...as your goal is to know Prisca and for her to know you.

What you're building toward. I'm so glad you can distinguish her truth from the truth. The truth is her actions...when she dreads UA time (due to her fears, her shame-fest, her stuff) and shows up for it, anyway.

90% of life is showing up. Being there. Being present. Know that and appreciate she shares...

You'll learn to not hear her sharing as condemnation...and she'll learn ownership phrasing in how she shares. Coming towards great communication...not perfect...yet forms a perfect union.



Kudos to your response to her...look for ways to enthusiastically agree with her, and appreciate her. And ask her if you can now answer an email with a call, once per day, so she can hear your presence in your voice, when you respond.

Bit by bit, you guys will get there. And I believe, your union will be more precious and tender, fulfilling BECAUSE you both fought so hard for it...even fighting yourselves.

You both continue to rock...I'm really glad you both are here. I do miss Prisca more.

LA

Maybe she's acting that way to avoid further conflict and to prevent escalation. This is likely, especially, if your past discussions or arguments have gotten heated. But, I believe this is unhealthy since it is causing you stress and anxiety and the pattern definitely needs to be broken. Try to invite her to discuss her feelings and validate what she is saying and try to genuinely work things out.

Del, instead of making scattershot comments everywhere, could you please tell us who you are and what you believe about Marriage Builders concepts? I am using the Marriage Builders program to save my marriage, and I really only want to be counseled from the Marriage Builders perspective.

I asked you on another thread about some advice you gave that conflicts with the beliefs of the Marriage Builders founder, Dr. Willard Harley. You didn't answer, which seems to indicate you're not even really coming back to look at the discussions you are engaging in, which is kind of rude or at least impersonal.

This is my marriage and my life we are talking about here, so it is really important to me, and I am really serious about it.

Staying up late making preparations to hopefully attend Marriage Builders weekend.

Also, going to be working a couple of elements from my plan to meet my wife's emotional needs.

Woohoo! This sounds like a GENIUS idea! Markos I must say your commitment to all of this is really admirable.

Hi Markos,

Hey, this is sort of OT... but can I just say that I really don't like the title of your thread?

Your wife is here posting, and every time she's on here she has to read "Is it okay for my wife to NEVER talk things through?"

Ugh.

How would you feel aobut changing that title?

I don't like that title anymore, myself. I've changed the title for the new posts, although some people keep through and reposting as replies to the original post and screwing that up.

Is that something the moderators can change?

:-)

Have you tried going to the original post and changing it?

If it says you've past the time for editing, then yes I think the moderators can change it.

Just go to that original post and hit notify mods--when it asks why your notifying mods, ask them to change to whatever title you want.

The worst that can happen is they can't do it (but I think they can!).

Hope you are having a GREAT day. It is BEAUTIFUL here. :-)

It says that the moderators have already been notified about my post.

My wife is cautiously talking to me today.

I'm tightening up the plan a little bit, picking up a couple of daily items that I hadn't started doing yet due to various excuses which I am ignoring.

Would like to know how Mark1952 achieved living on only 8 hours of sleep a week for so long...

Markos,

I prayed (a LOT), read (a LOT), I paced (a LOT), I watched TV (a LOT), ...

Drank coffee a LOT?

I still drink coffee (a LOT)...