Maybe cuz I know ST from the R forum so well, I didn't take it like this.

I know that ST cares for J, and has worked, is working hard to R her M, despite more obstacles than the A to overcome.
I don't believe that she would not think of her H, I think she was simply asking about the aspect of the FOM's next target and the BW of FOM.

I thought that ST was thinking in a compassionate manner, for the BW and the new OW who is on the slippery slope. (according to sis)
I didn't get from her post that she intended to confront FOM or his BW, but was asking .... 'what to do'.

I figure one of the goals of the forum is for WS's to gain empathy for their victims, and truly understanding the devastation that was done.
I see ST thinking this way.

Am I missing something?

I also feel I know ST from the Recovery forum and really want to believe that she has the best intentions....

But honestly, I think any time I hear of any FWS having ANY emotional involvement in the drama of their FOP, I think my knee-jerk reaction will be that there is still some level of attachment, fog, whatever there.

My H hasn't uttered FOW's name once since we entered R. He knows anything to do with her is an extremely sensitve area for me and has cut ties with everyone who still works at the same place as her.

ST hasn't even mentioned a concern about this being a trigger for her H?? Again, I hope I am wrong but her preoccupation with FOM's W concerns me (not only in this thread but another recent post I have seen).

ST, I have been following along, and as a fellow FWW, these are my thoughts.

This may sound selfish, but when it comes to this type of situation, MY marriage comes first. Now I am lucky, the FOM in our sitch moved to another state some time ago. I did hear awhile back that he was married, but I know nothing about him anymore. Anyway, if I heard somehow that he was cheating, I of course would tell H what I hear and where, but it would be for the sake of RH. Here's the selfish part -- MY marriage comes first. If H wanted to track down OM and tell his wife, fine, but I don't think he owes it to OMW. I don't think either of us owe anything to OMW (OM wasn't married during my A). The important thing in my life is my marriage. Anything that might jeopardize that is not gonna happen.

Like I said, I would be honest with H, but I wouldn't steer him in any direction, and after it was discussed to H's satisfaction, I would drop it and go on with life.

I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound like I am callous, but my primary responsibility is my own marriage.

I will tell you one reason I feel this way. I do not want to spend the rest of my life making all my marital decisions based around something that happen in 2006. It was horrible and wrong, and H and I are in recovery. It's over. I am not defined by it, and neither is my marriage. So they more I "do" with regard to the A, the more it stays alive in our marriage, and after a certain point, that just really isn't healthy.

OK, so NOW you are concerned for his W????? You weren't concerned when you were boynking her H now you all of a sudden care about her. Puleeeeease. Get a life and move on and try to repair the awful damage you did to your M and his and stop obsessing over this MM. Are you in therapy. If not, you really should be.

Thank you for your input. Most helpful.

The reason I have concern for FOMW is because I have been about here for a little while now and I see repeated ddays and I try to empathise with BW and try to put myself in the shoes of those that are concerned that their M isn't recovering they way they had hoped. A

And because there are some BW from here who I consider to be friends and who I am quite sure would consider me to be a friend. I have learny much much much from them. I also know OMW and I just feel that if there was a way to prevent more pain then why should I not try to prevent it. It isn't because it is FOMW - it is because she is a fellow human being.


As Vitt said - these boards do try to encourage empathy for the other person's spouse and in fact it was one of the biggest things that hit me when I first arrived here - it's too easy to think "what she doesn't know won't hurt her": When I arrived here back in Jan 2009 I was encouraged that my H should tell OMW and given all the reasons why. J was very reluctant initially but because of the posts he read on my thread and with help here he did inform her.


Only in the first week after the A did I try to justify having an A. I very quickly learnt and fully understood that I chose to do it. And I have never thought of myself as a victim of OM - although male and female friends alike have seen me as his prey and his victim - as has J. I reiterate: I chose to do it. Although certainly in my previous post it does come across as though I myself feel I was preyed upon and maybe I do and maybe I was. But I chose not to stop it straight away.



Lurioosi,

Thank you for your very useful post. You are sooooooo right - this is the way I want to be thinking and should be thinking. One of J's criticisms of me is that I am too caring and compassionate for every man and his dog and I do have to try and focus more on home. This is certainly a behaviour I learnt from my mum (she picks up on all other peoples worries and problems and loneliness and helps them out - I often feel sorry for dad).

As for J: he was indifferent about the news and won't take it any further. His reactions to the A have always been mild.

He saw OM at the garage the other week and his only reaction was to be annoyed that he (J) froze and pretended to carry on filling the car, rather than going on to the kiosk and paying because FOM was in there. There is/was no difference in the way he is in our relationship after this incident.

J considers us recovered from the A. He knows that we have EPs in place to help us ensure that it won't happen again and believes in me and my desire to have a healthy M. We know that we still have to work on our M and that is where my efforts will be fully redirected.



Just for the record, I never "boynked" OM

Sympathy for your own victims is great. But sympathy for the future affair partners ... those aren't victims. And if you are thinking they are a victim, it's likely you are seeing yourself as a victim, rather than someone who chose to commit adultery. And that is a problem.

The other man can't "catch" some new poor other woman and victimize her. If some new woman gets involved with him, it is her choice. She shouldn't have to be warned about him in order to know that she shouldn't do things with him like date him, go to lunch with him, spend time along with him, engage in intimate conversation, etc. (That's one of those things that is supposed to be common sense but, sadly, isn't. :()

ITA SusieQ.

My H has not mentioned the FOW unless i ask something about her.

I am sure that she is out trying to mess up someone else's marriage (she is single and that is what she does), howeevr it is not mine or my h's responsibility to ensure that she is not messing up someone's else's marriage.

As long as she is not messing with our marriage that is all that we want or need to know and thatis how it should be.

I am sorry ST but no matter if the BW is someone you have known your whole life it is not your place to tell her anything, nor i am sure she would not want to hear it from you as she would probably think you are trying to hurt her more.

Just forget about this and tell your family to NEVER speak of him again. I agree that it is very disrespectful to J for them to talk about the FOM to you at all.

Markos

There are many many FWS out there who are mortified at what happened - can not understand their A - and for whom it was totally out of character.

There are those who have absolutely no experience directly or indirectly of infidelity until they find themselves in an affair. It is really hard to protect yourself about something you don't know about.

I have used my experience to try to help my friends and family understand what a good marriage really is and to help them protect their own M. I wish I'd have had the experience and knowledge back then.

I agree - sadly it isn't common sense.

But do you know what is even sadder - I don't think even if anyone had warned me that talking to him, sharing a music lesson with him would have led where it did -I'd have told them "rubbish! I know what I'm doing, I'd never have an affair" unless they had shown me the evidence from examples - or brought me here. Do you know what? pre-A, I still would have thought I'd known better, even if they had brought me here to warn me.

(((((ST))))),

Good job on telling J!!!!.....

And thank you for some clarification.....I think it is VERY healthy for you to have garner empathy for the BW. It matters not that this empathy came after-the-fact.....in fact, this empathy will help you to ensure your EP'S....

not2fun

Thank you for your support here too Not

Markos, I took this as being more directed at me, than ST. Sorry that I'm so tardy, better late than never ..... I'm easily distracted!

I agree that sympathy is not warranted for future A partners, they are not victims.
I will try to help any person who is on that slippery slope, that doesn't mean that I have sympathy for them.
To me, that means that they are in need of some guidance with how they are thinking.
And .... I do see myself as the victim, Markos.

I completely agree with all of the things that you mention, should be common sense.
Thoughtfulness and courtesy should also be common sense, a lot of things should be common sense in M and life.
(putting the empty milk jug back in the fridge comes to mind )

I had boundaries for myself, since MB they are much more strict, I understand better now how A's happen.
I understand how to protect and care for a M.

p.s. I don't see it in your sig line and I don't know your story, but you sound like you are a BS ..... I'm sorry for that.