I thought she said the home is in his parents name...would the above hold true for that?

This is where I think she needs an attorney.

Hear, hear!!

tandc, sorry you find yourself here.

Back to FB other woman. Did you look at the list of her friends. I found much information persuing through friends lists and many keep their profiles unprotected.

Do you have a name? Look and see if it lists the OW name in the URL when you click on it.

Try to find out what part of Connecticut? Then we can narrow down potential church she goes to or start googling her.

Bet her kid has a MYspace and/or FB. Many times they list the town they are from.

Snoop everywhere. look at a site called www.peekme.com and it will show you other sites where the OW or WS goes.

Yes, we bought the house about ten years ago and we have been married for twenty years (as of this coming May). I did a little more snooping and went through paperwork to try and find any paperwork to do with when we bought the house and, according to the paperwork I did find (the actual "purchase" of the house stuff given to us by the realtor who sold us the house), my "DH's" name "IS" on that. Clear as a bell, his signature is definitely there. In addition, I don't see his parents' name ANYWHERE on any of this paperwork sooooo...now I'm even more confused then ever. DH does refer to OUR house as HIS parents' house (and they, the parents', also do the same) but I always thought that was strictly because they helped us out with the downpayment (kind of a "courtesy" thing, I guess). Sure, they DID help us out with the downpayment (and even helped us cover some mortgage payments when times were especially tight) but, aside from that, we've been taking care of all of the payments, renovations, etc, ourselves. Hmmm, now I can't help but wonder if, at one time or another (and unbeknownst to me) my DH maybe "transferred" the house over into his folks' names. Granted, right from the beginning I was led to believe it has always been in their names but, according to this paperwork I found, nope, just my DH's signature (and the realtors) name is even on it.

Not enough for me to say "thank you" to all of you for your help. Simply put, there are no words to do so. You are the best. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Time for more snooping, I guess. Whew, tiring, but well worth the effort, most certainly for the sake of the children.

Oops, DH now home so have to run. Back when safe to do so.

I just found this free keylogger download at desktopshark.com. If you want to view from another computer or have an every 10 minute screenshot feature when he is online, it is an additional $20 one time fee.

Good luck!

Hi TandC,

As far as I can see you are getting good advice here, but I would agree with those that are advising you to consult with an attorney. I thing pretty much both CA and USA subsrcibe to common law derived from UK originally as any basis for property rights. However, obviously to protect yourself you do need to consult with a local attorney.

When I do post here I just give only my support, and just remembered in my prayers. There are so many to pray for, not only here, but in many other facets of life.

Well, Char seems so happy and encouraged now. Talked to her awhile ago. I am still working on Her poem, and then I will create rather than buy a card.

I will pray for you and your family.

Tom

Awww, you guys/gals are the GREATEST! Thank you so much for all your words of encouragement and lovely heartfelt prayers, I sincerely do appreciate all and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. This place has really now become my "home away from home" and very much like a bible to me. Without all of you, I don't know how I would even cope. Thank you for being here.

Well, this past weekend was a little...odd. DH and I have been doing more talking but, when talking, we haven't really talked about our problems but, moreso, just normal, day-to-day talking (how was your day, care for a coffee, nice job you did on the windows, etc). Although it did feel "better" (less...strained) then the previous few days I, myself, still felt rather awkard all the same. I think this is because I am now unsure of the things DH says and whether the things he says are actually truth or not. For some reason, I believe I have put "my guard up" as I am now afraid to believe almost anything he says. Sure, DH has been treating me and kids better these past few days but...is he "REALLY" treating us better or he is just "ACTING" this way for his own benefit??? Personally, I think it is for his own benefit because, from messages on Facebook between him and this OW and his constant calling/texting her "STILL," I can't see it as being anything else. Yes, he is still in contact with her and he refuses to stop because..."she's just a friend!" (grumble, grumble, grumble).

Right now, my main concern is for the safety and protection of my children and myself so that is what I am trying to focus on. Not really sure "how" to do it but I am not going to give up trying to figure it out. Of course, I don't want to lose the house that we have "made into our home" because my kids' love this place and never want to leave it. We have put much time and energy into fixing this place up to make it "ours" and that is the way I intend to keep it. Heck, I didn't remove and replace walls, floorings, ceilings, kitchen cabinets and paint, glaze, decorate, etc, all for nothing. This is the house I "thought" we were going to grow old in together and die in...TOGETHER. Funny how "I" did do most of the renovations around here yet, someone (DH), doesn't even seem to notice (or much less care). Seriously, I could drywall an entire room and he wouldn't even take notice or say a word UNLESS someone actually pointed it out to him. Kind of like that saying..."in one ear and out the other." Sometimes I cannot help and wonder "why" I bend over backwards to please him when, in all reality, he doesn't even appreciate it (or even notice it). I hate to say it but, truth is, he is VERY self-absorbed and I am now just really starting to pay attention to "that side" of him.

Anyway, just wanted to update you all as to where I stand right now. As I said, we (DH and I) have been talking but, then again, not talking about "us" and "our situation," because he simply refuses to do so and I am not "pushing the subject." Simply put, I continue to be the good, kind housewife/mother who does everything she can to meet all DH's needs while he, in turn, does nothing in return to meet my needs (to get him to do so is like pulling teeth and, if I try, he just gets arguementative and I "hate" to argue).

Well, today I am filling out the EN questionnaire for the first time and, fingers crossed, hoping DH will do the same by filling one out of his own. Don't know if he will but, either way, I am going to do what I have to to try and save this marriage we have and make it a fabulous one. If he decides "forget it, don't wanna try" well, then...I guess he really is a coward after all because that's what cowards do (take the easy way out).

Okay, will update you all again later when I have any new news to share.

Again, thank you all so much for being you. You're the best!

Whoops, sorry, I forgot to ask something in my earlier post. After I fill out the EN's questionnaire (which I have now done) and then get my DH to do the same (if I can) what do I do next? Do I/we complete the questionnaires immediately (one right after the other) or do we (DH and I) take some time to actually "sit down and discuss" each questionnaire we've completed before doing the next one?

Wow, after doing the EN's questionnaire I can't help but wonder if DH (if he's willing to complete one of his own) will lie his way through it (he is FAR from meeting my needs but, to actually get him to "admit" to it...I don't know!). I guess I can only hope he will be as truthful as can be in his answers, I can't imagine lying would have any advantage.

Whew, I don't know why, but I am sooooo nervous about asking him to fill out this questionnaire (I'm "that" sure he'll take it as something mean, ignorant, selfish, etc of me). Did anyone else feel this way when they were to ask someone else to fill out the questionnaire? What if he REFUSES to fill it out? Honestly, I am in a complete panic about just asking him.

Deep breaths, I guess.

TandC,

Two observations.

First, you don get him to "admit" that he is far from meeting your ENs. YOU are the sole judge of what your top ENs are, how you want them met, and how well he is doing that. Likewise, HE is the sole judge of what his top ENs are, how he would like them met, and how well you are doing that.

It is easy to get hurt feelings over the EN questionnaire because nobody likes to hear their spouse say "you are doing a sucky job!" so try to keep it to "I would love it if you would..."

Second, if he refuses to fill it out, there isn't anything you can do about it. Just make a polite request and from that point on he owns his response and you accept it gracefully. Let him know you want to be a great wife to him, and to make him happy, and that it would mean a lot to you if he would fill it out.

Since he is involved with OW I would actually be surprised if he did fill it out so don't get sad or hurt if (when) he declines. Ask him, but be prepared for him to avoid it. That's okay, it's not the end of the world. You won't have lost anything by asking, and you might get lucky... he might fill it out.

OR... now that I think about it, I think it would be better for you to read the EN questionnaire and try to figure out what his responses would be.

I wouldn't do "relationship talk" with him right now. It will only make him feel controlled, trapped, suffocating, and so on.

Men's top ENs are usually SF, RC, admiration. Those vary some but I bet two of those are in his top three.

I'd not bring this up with him right now. Wait until he's engaged in the M. Right now he's not. Right now stick to meeting his ENs as best you can, avoiding LBs, and snooping. Avoid relationship talk for now.

MY opinion. Others may disagree.

Thank you, turtlehead, I appreciate your response.

Funny, I did actually do as you said and I imagined "I" was "him" filling out the questionnaire to try and figure out what his responses would be. Oddly enough, I think this is exactly why he might lie while answering them. From what I can tell (and from what he has told me time and time again) I "am" meeting his needs (most especially the ones on this particular questionnaire). To say I go above and beyond to make sure I meet them is no stretch of the imagination...I "really" do! This is what has me so darned confused, to be completely forthright with you. Is it possible I simply go out of my way to please him "too much?" In otherwords, maybe I do so much for him that he has actually become accustomed to (argh, I hate to say this) taking advantage of me? Oh, I don't know, I'm just in such a state of shock I'm not even sure what to think anymore. Admittedly, his needs have ALWAYS come first and, as for mine, he rarely ever meets them nor even tries to (for the most part, he simply finds excuses not to meet my needs).

Perhaps, if I gave a little background history on my DH, then you all would know what I mean by this. Here are just some of the things I am talking about:

Shortly after we first met, we started dating and we often went places to "fool around." Sometimes, I didn't want to do the same and I would kindly express my thoughts. However, he didn't like to take "no" for an answer and would "curl up" in a ball-like fashion, claiming he had really bad stomach cramps and couldn't drive me home in such a state. The only "cure" for these stomach cramps (according to him) was for me to give him a "bj" (ie: oral sex) each and everytime. Then, and only then, was he "well enough" to actually drive me home (no bj, no drive home).

Shortly after we married, we were living in a small apartment with not much to speak of furniture-wise. Being that we only had one tv, he always got to watch what he wanted, I never had a say in the matter. The one time I "did" bring up my frustration about this his answer was; "Someday, when we have enough money, we'll buy another tv and then you'll be able to watch whatever you want." This REALLY hurt my feelings, why was it ME who had to wait to enjoy tv viewing as opposed to the both of us?

When I was in labor with my first child, DH and I were still living in our apartment. Riddled in pain, I was crouched down on the floor, crying and begging to go the hospital, but...my DH made me WAIT. Wait for what, you ask? He made me wait until 'Sports Page' (one of his favorite tv programs) was over before he would take me to the hospital because he didn't want to miss any of the sports 'high-lights'.

Another time, just before we were married, we decided to spend a weekend at his parents' home. DH took a shower, left the walls wet and didn't bother cleaning up after his shower. His dad got really upset by the mess and, out of the blue, DH layed the blame on "ME", saying "Oh, don't get mad at her, dad, she thought I was going to be taking a shower right after her so she didn't bother with cleaning up." When I questioned him about this afterwards (in private) he said he only blamed me because his dad would be more forgiving towards me for "not knowing any better."

The list goes on and on and on...and then on some more.

Maybe, could it be, I just married a very selfish, self-absorbed JERK? They do say love is blind so maybe I was blinded by love.

I feel like such an idiot!

Anyone else mind giving me some input on what they think I should do regarding the EN's questionnaire? Turtlehead already gave an opinion (which I sincerely appreciate) but, like is often said, a second/third/etc opinion can't hurt so I thought I'd ask for more.

Thank you everyone. Hugs!!!

Sorry for asking yet another question but I was wondering if anyone could tell me the name of a particular movie (that I read about here on MB but can't recall the title of) that is recommended viewing for couples in crisis? I know one movie was called Fireproof (which I am hoping to view sometime this week) but, the other, I cannot for the life of me remember the name of and I can't find the thread where I first read about it. Can someone please remind me?

Thank you very much.

I don't know the name of the other move; Fireproof is the only one I can think of.

Ya THINK?!!

He is used to getting whatever he wants, whenever he wants. He is used to lying to defect blame and avoid consequences of his laziness. He is full to overflowing with entitlement.

Keep up the Plan A, and snoop.

I think you'll find there is an affair. I hope I am wrong but I don't think so. But, we see so many on here that we naturally jump to that conclusion.

IF there is an affair, come here for advice before letting him know you're onto him. It will be hard but keep your knowledge to yourself until we can help you formulate a plan.

If you see no evidence of an A, you'll have to eventually ask yourself what you are willing to live with and what your boundaries are. We can help with that, too.

((T&C))

I hope you get some other responses.

Sorry, T&C; I only had time and energy for page one and seven. It's been a week that you've been here. Learned a lot, huh?
The above is important by TH. Personally I call the below quote an affair. I call it adultery in fact. It's exactly the behavior my wife was engaging in for months, no evidence of PA, but to me it's adultery and I decided I couldn't live with it anymore. The fact taht she chose to define it as something else was eventually enough - going outside the marriage to get emotional needs met is, to me, adultery.

opt

Yes, I have only been here a very short while but I have learned so much it is amazing. Honestly, if it wasn't for this place I wouldn't even have a clue what to do (this place with all of its great people is now what is keeping me sane).

I agree, I consider my DH's actions an A, too (although he would beg to differ). Sure, it may not be physical but, to me, it an A none the less. I have a difficult time understanding why DH would choose to talk to someone he doesn't sincerely even know (nor has ever met) over ME, the one person who has always been "there for him" throughout everything (the good and the bad and physically and emotionally) and most especially about our personal/private lives. I don't know, I always figured that if a H and W were having troubles in their marriage the best bet was to try and work it out...TOGETHER, as a TEAM, (not through someone who we don't even know or who doesn't even have a clue about us).

Anyway, today I feel completely lost. I have been continuing to treat my DH with the utmost respect, care, kindness and love that I possibly can but...I will say it is getting harder and harder by the day. Although he hasn't been mean/cruel to me lately he still shows no signs that he actually cares for, or loves me, and this alone is killing me. Just saying "goodnight, I love you," has become almost like a chore to me because he never responds back with the same. Last night, when I said "goodnight, I love you," he responded back with "goodnight, poophead, have a good sleep." I felt sick to my stomach all night and today I still do. Should I even continue saying "I love you" to him each and everyday, knowing full well that he won't say it back to me? Or much less, show him affection when he shows me absolutely zip?

Anyone have any advice for me...please? Thank you all so much.

(((HUGS)))

How does WH know OW? Do they work together?

I would say "WH, I am not comfortable with things I have heard about your involvement with OW. I would appreciate it if you would cease all contact with her and join me in marriage counseling."

He'll get angry.
He'll deflect.
He'll want to know what you know, and who told you, etc.
He'll say they're just friends and you're controlling and so on.

Just be a broken record. "I am not comfortable that she is in either of our lives. I would appreciate it if you would cease all contact with her and join me in MC."

He'll refuse.

Then you expose. I think you have enough evidence to expose; I just thought you were waiting until YOU thought you had enough evidence.
You do have copies of the phone records and screenshots, right? Put them in a safe place.

You know not to warn him that you will expose, right? It's something you DO, not something you threaten.

Plan out your exposure here first. Who will you expose to?
Does OW have a Facebook or Myspace account?
If so, get screenshots of all her friends (so you'll have that info if/when she blocks you from seeing her info).
Do WH and OW work together? Find out who their bosses are, and head of HR, and CEO.

He'll be furious. Expect it.

Has anyone ever told you you are wonderful, turtlehead? If not, I'll be glad to be the first; "you are WONDERFUL!"

Thank you so much for all of your helpful advice and for showing such concern, I cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciate your doing so.

No, DH and the OW do not work together. As a matter of fact, they have never even physically met. She is from Conneticut while my DH is from here (Vancouver Island in Canada). They only know one another because of Facebook, that is how they met and how they became "friends." One requested the others friendship, it was accepted and, BAM, now it's like they are inseparable (non-stop Facebook contact, text messages, cell phone calls, etc).

Yes, I do have screenshots of previous messages between them as well as daily screenshots of all their contact through texting and cell phone calls. Wow, I must say DH sure does spend alot of money (that he claims we don't even have for food and household necessities) to top up his cell phone all the time. I know he would never admit where this money goes but, thank goodness for screenshots, I can definitely see where it goes for myself. I haven't mentioned it to DH (I just pretend I'm in the dark) but I "almost" felt like blowing his cover a couple of nights ago about this particular money issue. Our youngest daughter came home sick from school with a wicked cold and, poor thing, had a severely sore throat and asked for ice cream. Being that we didn't have any in the house, I asked if DH would mind going to the store to get some but, claiming we had no money for any, he blew the idea off and poor daughter went without. However, the next morning, I checked DH's cellphone account (online) to find that he had "topped up" his account (bought more airtime) with this money he claimed we didn't even have. In otherwords, his staying in contact with the OW (and who knows who else) was obviously of more importance to him then his own child. This "really" got my goat, but I kept my mouth shut all the same simply to keep the peace (I'm not the arguementive type and never really have been).

All the same, I am doing my best to hold it together for the sake of my family and my marriage. Yes, I do feel rather angry/disappointed inside and at times I want to explode but, if I allow myself to do so, then it'll just mean I've given up and I'm not yet ready to do that. Marriage has always been something I've considered to be "for a lifetime" and, just because my DH is in some state of...craziness, doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly change my way of thinking so I'll continue on with doing the best that I can. Yes, it's hard, no doubt, but it's (marriage) also "that" important to me.

I cannot tell you how thankful I am for finding MB, there are simply no words to explain.

To all of those here at MB in search of answers to try and help save their marriages...LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN to what the great folks here are telling you, they "really" do know what they are talking about. Yes, I know some of the advice may be hard to follow (most especially when you feel "dead/angry/worthless/scared/sick/etc" inside) but, even so, these folks here have experience and the advice they give is really, really good (seriously, I don't think any other advice can even be compared to the advice I've been given here).

Just a few short weeks ago my DH became "someone I don't know", a stranger to me in my eyes, and someone I was having a very difficult time living with. For whatever reason(s), he became withdrawn, secretive, cruel (etc) and he started spending less and less time at home, feeling the "need" to always go out, independently, to hang out with friends and do whatever it was they did. However, after taking advice from the great folks here, my DH is now "returning" to the person I first fell in love with.

No, he is not perfect, but then again, no one is and shouldn't need to be. But, I will say, the past few days have been WONDERFUL and my DH has been showing kindness, affection, caring and love once again. Why??? Because I listened to the advice I got here at MB from others on what I should do to try and rebuild my marriage. I did "NOT" expose his possible EA because, at this time, I am still not 100% sure if an EA really did take place and, without being absolutely certain, I didn't want to "go the wrong route" but, of what I "DID" do, I exposed his unjust treatment towards me (and the children) smack-dab on Facebook for the whole world to see and, LA DEE DA...it worked!!!

Yay for exposure!

My DH saw what I wrote (as my status on Facebook) and, at first, he didn't say a thing to me about it. He waited for a couple of days (to cool off, I'm guessing) before he even brought it to my attention. However, when he did, he wasn't angry, he was HURT!!! Hurt that the way he was treating me and the kids was now, suddenly, no longer a secret and, wow, did it ever open his eyes. To make a long story short, let's just say that this "eye-opening" has done wonders for making things better in our marriage. DH now realizes how much he has been hurting us (me and the children) and he is doing everything he can to try and make things better. He is now spending his time (outside of his work schedule, I mean) with the family, he is helping out more with things around the house, he is being super sweet and caring, he is showing loads of affection and, best of all, he is now saying "I love you" frequently (and in a way that "feels real," not faked). In addition, he has apologized (sincerely) for what he has been putting us through and HE (at his own suggestion) wants to go for counselling. Only a few weeks ago he was thinking D and, today, he is doing everything he can to avoid it.

I know I still have to be careful (and I most definitely will be) but I just wanted to let everyone know how things are going for me at this time and, of course, to say "THANK YOU" to all of you for sharing your fabulous advice. Oh, and as for the exposure I did on Facebook, I did not do it in a mean way and I did NOT use his name, I simply wrote from the heart and my DH "picked up on" the things I wrote and, after putting "two and two together" he realized my status was obviously in reference to him and it affected him in a very profound way. To be honest with you, it affected him so much that he actually broke down and CRIED!!! Better yet, he now openly expresses his love for me directly through Facebook, sending me cute little messages and posting sweet comments on my wall (something he has not done in a long, long time).

Anyway, like I said earlier, I "WILL" still be careful while we try to rebuild our trust in one another once again but, while we are at it, I can now at least say I am enjoying doing so and it doesn't feel so "one-sided" (me doing all the work) anymore.

Thank you to all of you here at MB; I actually feel alive and loved again.

You are the BEST!!!
xox