That's better...... except the part of not totally agreeing with me!

Larry

I did not suggest it as a way to have secrecy. I only suggested it because some of you said it was better. Of course she can look at mine whenever she wants and I clearify that

The counselor was selected for me by Military 1 Source. I will reread the picking article and keep it in mind when I see her. I am able to change if I don't like her. The best part is it's free and I will get up to 10 more sessions for free if I want.

Anyway...sorry tst, I didn't mean to act like a taker.

Going to start reading today.

I was just looking at the article and I need to clearify something.

I am doing this by myself. When I was setting this up it started as marriage counceling but later turned to individual for me.

Several times while I was being screened by a phyc. for this the comment was made that there may be several things wrong with me...depression, a little PTSD, anxiety, a major career change and several other things. The relationship part might not get much focus right now.

I am doing this to better understand me and how to handle me so I am better able to think and act when I am around her and them.

Good job DH The more you know, the better you can do. These tools here will serve the both of you for the rest of your lives.

Larry

deerhunter,

One of the things your wife might benefit from is the feeling of security.

I know that I was insecure after the affair. I questioned everything my H said and did. So it helped when he just called me for "no reason" during the day (okay, so I admit that we just NOW started to do the texting thing - we had to be yanked into the 21st century). Those quick calls helped me to know that he was thinking of me, reassured me that I was okay, touched base with me and kept my heart on even keel because he could take my "love temperature", and it also helped me know where he was and what he was doing....and I didn't have to feel like I was checking up on HIM.

That was very important. He took it on himself to do the "checking up" for me. He knew I was worried about where he was, who he was with, and what he was doing.

He took that worry out - or reduced it anyway - by calling me and basically taking some of it off the table.


Think about the ways you might do that for her.


Call or text her whenever you get a chance.
Send her emails and let her know what you are doing.


And you are on the right track with "courting" her again. The thing you need to remember is that you are now in a lifelong courtship. Meeting her emotional needs won't ever stop. And those needs are kind of a moving target.

Your posts are sincere. I think when you talk to her if you are as sincere, your marriage has every chance to survive.

Just tell her your feelings, stay open and honest, and you will get there.

I just answered an question with honest while talking to her and she hung up on me, I called back and she had my daughter tell me she didn't want to talk to me. Now what?

How do I answer questions honestly knowing that everytime I do I will destroy what we have accomplished?

Up until a few minutes ago I think we were doing good. She has read more of the book then me and she says it makes her mad.

I just read...
The Policy of Radical Honesty

Historical Honesty

I agree with it but if I am honest and she shuts down, how can that be good?

Look, this is all new to the two of you. You are starting over with a completely different and radical approach to finding and enjoying love in all its forms.

You are the kinda guy who wants the problems to be solved, right...now...period. And it isn't gonna work that way.

What you can do, right now, is have patience, right now

What could you possibly tell her that she doesn't already know? What historical honesty would cause her to run out of the room screaming? Are you a serial cheater? Somehow I doubt that.

I am not a big fan of Dr. Harley's historical honesty, mainly because I don't understand it. If, when I married my now X wife, I had paused to list all of the things I had screwed up in my life, I would still be talking 10 years later. On the other hand, if I listed all of the things I had done good, I honestly believe it would have taken me a lot longer.

Historical honesty is the one area where I have a problem with MB concepts. There are no other areas where I can find a hole to crawl into. I got to thinking, am I supposed to talk about spin the bottle at 12 or the "You show me your's" with the next door neighbor at six? How about getting into fights in Jr. High? How much detail? I really don't know.

I have never seen a thread on historical honesty.

Hang in there with your wife. She is gonna have her ups and downs.

Larry

You've got to lengthen your time horizons.
Think of it: You've known about your affair from the very beginning. You've had months in which to process the info. Months to mull over your choices. Months to see yourself going wrong, to choose to go there anyway, and to choose to deny it.

How long has your wife had to process all this new info about the guy she thought she knew, about the one person whom she most expected to 'have her back' when push came to shove? What's it been, only a coupla weeks?

Now what? Now you wait.
You quit wanting instant resolution.
You let her know that you'll be there for her when she wants to talk.

It's not going to be a straight upward trajectory, with each day better than the one before. That's why you'll hear people refer to recovery as a "roller coaster." The overall vector may be uphill, but there will be ups and downs.

Answering her questions truthfully isn't "destroying" what you've accomplished. It's building a new foundation of truth. Just like with a house, until you get the foundation right, solid, nothing you build on top of it is gonna be right. Stick to your guns. Stick to being honest. That takes some courage when you've got stuff you've tried to hide, stuff you're maybe ashamed of. Stick to it, and she may appreciate that courage.

P.S. - dh71, With due respect to Larry, and I see where he's coming from, kinda, one is either honest or one is not. If she asks you a question, there is an honest answer, and there are all the other non-honest answers. If you had a bank-full of credibility stored up, maybe you could squeak by with some half-truths and evasions. But your credibility is dead. You shot it in the neck and backed over it with a truck. You have no margin for dishonesty if you care enough to try to save your marriage. But Larry & I agree, there'll be ups & downs.

She asked me if I felt the OW was my girlfriend and I answered that I guess I did. I didn't have feelings as strong as love but I did get to the point that I was concerned for her, cared how she felt, that sort of thing.

Maybe I need to look up the definition of girlfriend.

dh71, sounds like you gave an honest answer.

Just b/c it was honest doesn't mean it's easy for your wife to hear.

When I told Trust_Will_Come, in the aftermath of my affair, that during my affair, I'd felt as if I were in love with the OW, that was an honest expression of how I'd felt when I was in the throes of my affair. Yeah, I allowed myself to feel that I "cared" for the OW too. [Well, in retrospect, I didn't care enough to respect OW's marriage, for starters, did I, but that's another line of inquiry.] My point is, it was like a kick in the stomach for my wife to hear this stuff. She needed time to process it, to come to grips with it, and to mentally separate the rotten SOB I was then for those 10 & a half weeks from the guy I've been trying to be since the affair. You just can't expect her to say "Oh, your GF, huh? That's interesting, honey, thanks for the insight into your mental state at the time." Uh, no. If your wife is a normal woman with human emotions, she is gonna take this kind of info a lot harder than that. Expect it. Man up to what you did & felt, and follow it up with "I'm sorry" until your tongue is sore. Patience... she deserves patience from you, doesn't she?

Ok, define girlfriend. Now that falls into current events. You have to be honest on that. Otherwise, you are building on a foundation of sand.

GO, I had a brain spasm. I wasn't thinking in terms of the affair. I was reading historical honesty just yesterday for the third or fourth time and thinking while I was reading, that it sounded like Dr. Harley led a really dull life before he got married. Sorry, that is what I thought.

The details of the affair are different. I completely agree that not one detail should be spared. Of course male memory isn't as good as female memory so there are gonna be a few looks when he can't really, honesty remember. Hopefully 5 will take that into account. And of course she hung up when he said yea. And he cared about her, etc.

Maybe someone will start a thread on historical honesty. I till wonder if I am supposed to reveal all the details of, for example, the time me and two buddies went to Leaky park trolling for girls. We got the bums rush because there were some UT guys who had Thunderbirds and what not and the girls were waving it at them and ignoring us. So the three of us decided, after a few beers, to go to Mexico. My next memory is trying to eat eggs covered in hot sauce a couple of mornings later in an early opening Cantina. I finally found my two buddies in a ho house trying to sleep it off. Am I supposed to tell stuff like that?

Ouch!

I want to forget stuff like that.

Larry

Main Entry: girl�friend
Pronunciation: \ˈgər(-ə)l-ˌfrend\
Function: noun
Date: 1859
1 : a female friend
2 : a frequent or regular female companion in a romantic or sexual relationship

Yes I answered it truthfully

But read what I said in my last post, dh. For so long, your wife thought she was the one. Not one of the ones. The Oxford English Dictionary's vindication of your estimable rhetorical prowess might buy you some points later in the game, but right now, the only acceptable Jeopardy Answer is "What is 'I'm sorry', Alex?"

It doesn't mean you've destroyed anything! Honesty isn't what kills a marriage, it's all the dishonesty that has existed that ruins the marriage. When you are honest, your W needs time to process the information.... she is trying to establish the new truths in your marriage.

You are rebuilding something new and it will take much effort and energy to acomplish it.

And, YES, you will have difficult moments, days, and weeks!

You are right GO, I'm sorry is the only thing acceptable. Since she doesn't want to talk now I have emailed her and told her that I will wait until she is ready to talk. She absolutely deserves patience.

Historical honesty is the difference between being in a beautiful marriage or a dysfunctional one....

Radical Honesty is the only thing that can restore the damages your affair created. Your W must have a baseline in order to know the truths of her marriage from all the lies...