Well Mr. Pity Party, let me tell you that it will get better.

Learn what is here to be learned. Broke will too. And times will get better if you believe they can.

There is nothing said that isn't true. There is only the question of what you can do about it. You are over your head. Ok, been there before I suspect. So read the owner's manual.


Vibrissa found it for me. Just click and read, please. There is no excuses found there, just reasons. And reasons can be fixed if you understand them. Excuses are just the crap we tell ourselves because we don't understand the reasons.

Larry

I am not looking for sympothy for how I feel but I must say more.

I want nothing more than for her pain to go away. I wish I never would have caused it. I want nothing more to be with her again.

She can go if that is what she thinks will help her, I am not going to force her to stay. I feel like I am forcing her now and just making it worse for her.

So many of the posts on here seem to be from the BS who is trying to repair things. Sometimes it feels like I am fighting a losing battle. Is it really that rare that the POS (piece of ____) WH wants to try to make things better?

If I care so much now, why didn't I then? I do care now though, I am not going to give up.

How I wish my WH would even just end his A.

You have been given a chance that not many WS's are given. Broken is still there. There is no quick fix. You are going to have to work at it. Learn all you can and make the changes where necessary. If Broken did leave, how would you throwing a PPM(Poor Poor Me) party help YOU? It wouldn't. There are some FWS's on here and they had to go through these steps too. Just keep on working through YOUR things and make YOURSELF better. SHOW Broken the man you are and will be from now on. Show her the Husband she deserves.

DH

I didn't think you were inviting us to the party. I felt that you were reflecting on your situation for yourself and one way to do that is to post it.

Just be yourself as you find yourself to be now. Did you read the link? Again, did you read the link?

And no, it is not rare for the WH to wake up and smell the roses, like you have. I have no idea if WH or WW repent in equal measure. I have heard that WH repents more, but have no proof to back that up.

More betrayed here, that is a valid observation. Speaking for me only, I don't care which side shows up. If I can help, I will.

Larry

Ummm. You all done? Good. I hear you. Good words. The time will come when you'll talk about this with 5sec. It's good to hear you say it. And I know it's good for you to vent,so vent away here.

But. Having said all that - you best bang for the buck is in your actions. When your and 5sec observe your actions and see the positive results from those, things will start cranking. I have faith in both of you. Keep moving forward.

hey deerhunter71,

I think this is part of the healing process, you have to acknowledge your mistakes and take ownership in order for it to never happen again..
The processing of all your emotions will be the way you will learn to be honest and open with your wife, remember you won't be able to change this overnight....all you can do is re-store her belief system in you and your marriage little by little this will happen and believe that she will once again see that man that she married and wanted to spend the rest of her life with......The BS wasn't the one that stopped loving her partner, just because you stepped out she didn't stop loving you. She will hang on to that after she has processed everything. She needs to understand that her emotions will be safe with you again.....
mean what you say and leave no doubt or disappointments....
when something like this happens it's like a death(of a relationship) and there are stages that are the normal process. After you have gone through them you will feel better......
You do deserve a chance, you are a good man that has just lost his way.....no one is perfect, remember you have the ability to change what kind of man you are and as far as I can see you are well on your way to doing this...
Good Luck and keep your chin up.....
I for one am proud of you and all you are trying to do......

Thanks you guys for listening.

I am sitting here thinking it seems to me that she brings up the past prior to the A just as much as the A. She has not been happy for a long time but stayed with me anyway. Now she has a solid reason to leave.

The A is a huge deal but it looks ands sounds like to me that I have been screwing this up for a long time before...this is just the proverbial nail.

I hate the fact that I keep just throwing these random things and questions out there. I would much rather be able to give you an update to the progress but today there hasn't been any that I can see.

I guess 20+ years of military service has conditioned my thoughts and actions to admit mistakes and press on, use this to make better decisions in the future.

Have you thought of extraordinary precautions you can take to prevent an A from happening in the future? You might want to figure that out. And don't say that you KNOW you won't have another affair because your wife won't be able to trust you for some time.

My pastor used to give sermons that most people never plan to have an affair. It "just happens". So he gave us examples of the precautions he took while traveling. Once he was on an airplane and chatted with the female passenger next to him. Then when he got to his hotel and was having dinner, she saw him and joined him. He hurriedly finished his dinner, excused himself and went up to his room to call his wife.

So it is necessary to plan ahead to avoid situations which could lead to an affair.

I am going to put her and the kids in the place that they should have been the whole time, in the front.

I am no longer in the military so I won't be leaving for 6 months at a time ever year or so.

She already has my passwords for email and FB. I mostly use FB for playing Mafia Wars and will either completely quit playing or only play while in her company.

Even before all this we were rarely in situations that were mixed company. If I was to be and know before hand I will tell her, if I am not and it ends up that way I call and let her know. If she isn't comfortable with it I will leave.

I hope we will re-estabish a relationship that will never let things get they way they have been because we are more open with each other and not afraid of hurt each others feelings.

We don't have many recreational activities (#4 on the EM questionnaire) that we did together. We will find somethings we like to do them together instead of doing the things we like to do alone.

Lastly and most importantly, the thoughts of what I have done to her now and they way she feels will always be with me...I never want to do that to her again.

I know I missed some things, what are they?

Your wife may have more ideas.

One thing that will be a great help is that you are no longer in the military. By the way, THANKS for your sacrifice and service for our country.

Military marriages are very very hard on families.

The other thing to be prepared for is that most likely your wife won't be wanting to settle for the same old marriage. After going through all of this, most people want a marriage that is much better than the old one.

Glad that you have done the EN questionnaire. It will be a big adjustment getting out of the military. Start your new life together by spending 15 hours a week doing fun things together.

Hi DH,

Please read all of this letter from Dr. Harley and pay close attention to what he says about "just compensation" and "extraordinary precautions"(EPs).

I'll be back to help you with your EP's

LINK

Please read the letter (in the link) carefully before going on further as it will help you with what I'm about to share next.

I wanted to give you some insight into Just Compensation that may help you at this point. Dunno if it will help, but here goes;

I believe "just compensation" was created by Dr. Harley to help us waywards understand that our offense is not a "forgive and forget" type of offense. Actions are required!

quoting Dr. Harley:



When an insurance company pays you for your home that was lost from a devastating fire, this would be compensation. It is all they can offer you. They cannot restore your memories, photos, collectibles, treasures, or the security you always felt prior to the fire. You would also feel no obligation to drop on your knees and say thank you to your insurance company for the compensation either. It may even feel cold that they are paying you for something you can never get back again. But, it is what they must do regardless.

I can never offer Just (as in justice) Compensation for my affair, because it can never really be more than just (merely) compensation. But, I must offer it just the same if I am going to be part of the marriage recovery of today and tomorrow.

I want to talk to you about Extraordinary Precautions (EP�s)
This is a critical dimension to the just compensation that you are going to offer..

The first just compensation that you offered your wife was NC with OW.

The next thing you offer is a list of EP�s that you can give to her.
This list of EP�s will �demonstrate� your willingness to protect her.

You cannot expect enthusiasm from your wife for this list of EP�s.
You cannot expect a pat on the back from her, but I think you already know that.
You do this anyways!


When discussing EPs, Dr. Harley addresses that the following areas need to change:

A) Blocking all communication with Affair Partners (AP�s)
B) Accounting for all of your time
C) Accounting for all money
D) Spending your leisure time with your wife.

EP�s are put into place to protect your spouse.
Protection = Care

EP�s are also designed to ELIMINATE the opportunity to have a secret second life.

Ok, so let�s talk about two different categories you need to create in your list of EP�s.

The first category is a list of one-time EPs that you will need to make sure you complete.

The second category is a list of EPs that you will follow for a lifetime.

So let�s start with the first category items.

(what follows are SUGGESTIONS, remember this is going to be YOUR list)

A) Change cell phone number and give password & account access to your wife.
B) Change email account.
C) Eliminate all social networking accounts (i.e., Face book, Classmates, My Space, etc.)
D) Take a polygraph
E) Make a copy of my vehicle keys and any other keys my wife does not have and give to her (i.e., safe deposit boxes, business keys, storage cabinets/lockers, etc.)
F) List out passwords for all business and personal computer logins, and any other passwords my wife has not had access to.
G) Give my wife access to any banking/financial accounts, business and personal.
H) Install software that tracks all internet use, giving my wife administrative access.
I) Install a webcam/security cameras for while at work that my wife can access.
J) I will contact an attorney that will work on my wife�s behalf and write a post-nuptial agreement.
K) Sell any vehicle OW was in and replace them.

Some of these things you may have already done. But these are one time things that you set up and they stay this way with little or no maintenance.

Category #2 is a little more along the lines of EPs that you need to maintain on a continuous, consistent basis.

A) I will protect my wife and her feelings above all else.
B) I will not participate in any one-on-one meetings with women.
C) I will not discuss my personal marriage issues with any women.
D) I will not attend clubs, strip joints, or any such establishment
E) I agree to use POJA as a basis for all decisions.
F) I will be open and honest with my wife at all times about the past and present.
G) I will provide my wife a daily schedule of all appointment and contact information.
H) If I need to make an adjustment to my schedule, I will notify my wife of the change.
I) I will make my wife�s calls my highest priority by answering them or returning them immediately.
J) I will avoid all chat rooms, porn, member sites, etc.
K) I will trade phones with my wife at any time she requests. No questions asked.
L) I will leave my phone accessible to my wife at night.
M) I will commit to at least 15 hours of undivided attention with my wife to meet each other�s ENs every week (time working together does not count toward those 15 hours).
N) If OW finds a way to make contact, I will immediately end the contact and notify my wife about it immediately.
O) I will install a keylogger, GPS, or any other tracking system my wife may request.
P) Anytime I have the thought, �I don�t want my wife to know about��.�, I will call her immediately and tell her my thoughts.


Use this as a starting point for working further on your EPs. Add and change items that suit your situation.

Whatever you do, put your list together and post it here and allow for some feedback from those that have been through this exercise. We want you to perfect your list before offering it to your wife. There is so very little that a wayward can truly offer as compensation for the huge amount of damage caused by such a selfish act as adultery that we want to make sure this is done well. The continuation of your marriage is riding on these actions!

This should keep you busy for a while.

It's where the rubber meets the road and the actions begin!

Keep us updated!

Great post as usual, tst. You are my hero FWH, you did just compensation.

tst, I am not ignoring you but this is what just happened.

BS asked if I had thought of bring OW to the US. I was honest and said that at one time the thought of her coming here if things went south had crossed my mind while I was overseas. I have not even thought of that as a potion since I have been home.

Once again she is extremely mad. She told me a few days ago that she wanted to come to where I have the job and work this out. Now she says that if I want to do to try to work things out I need to go back, which I told her I would do already.

My dilema is do I pack the truck tomorrow and go back know that I will not have an income which won't help things at all based on a rush of emotions tonight?

She won't call me and I have to go to work in about 30 minutes. I can quit the job in the morning when my boss comes in.

I don't want to have her think that I am not serious about this but I also don't want to do something that we both will regret later.

I need opinions quick!!!

Hope you don't quit your job right now. Your wife will have ups and downs. Let her know that you WILL quit if that is what she needs, but don't make any sudden decisions.

That is what I have done but I think I will be giving my boss a heads up that I might leave quickly. 2 phone calls, 4 emails, 2 texts and she won't answer. I sure wish she would. Got to go to work now. Thanks everyone for being there for me.