Chris, LG is about neck deep in tax returns right now. We don't hear much from him during tax season.

The fact that he even came over here to post to you and clarify indicates that he honestly wants to help and it looks to me like he apologized for offending you and tried to clear up any misunderstandings.

I hope you two can learn to play in the sandbox together, or I will have to put you both in your time-out chairs.

That last sentence was an attempt at humor...maybe I should edit it out....

...and go have my second cup of coffee.

LG,
Thanks for taking the time to write to me about what happened between you and I in OH's thread. As you are probably aware - I do not feel good about what transpired at all...and yes - I did have a craptastic few moments after I read what you wrote to me; however, my responses were / are my choice just as your words to me were your choice.

Again, the MB Forums are wonderful and the big "lesson learned" for me is to constantly keep in the forefront of my mind that, despite whatever knowledge any individual poster feels they have or how many people stand behind any one opinion, this is a peer counseling environment. Everyone will have different ideas about the questions posed, the problems / issues we have, etc... It's OK. Diversity of thought is a good thing.

This is a place which is higly charged with emotion & sometimes when we're "being ourselves" our elbows may make contact with the end of someone else's nose so-to- speak.

That point dovetails nicely into my next thought...

To everyone else who decided to add (or is thinking about adding) their $.03 to the "misunderstanding" betwixt me & LG:
Please don't take this question the wrong way - but what makes you think that you "sharing" your interpretation of what was said does anything for me other than piss me off more or harm me more?

Consider this:
Have you ever had something mildly irritating, rude, unfair, or even "horrific" happen to you? (I'm guessing that everyone will answer "yes" to this question...After all, we've all had bad experiences in life.)

Now, here's the next question.

After that "thing" happened - whatever it was and wherever it fit on the scale of irritating to horrific - did you ever have someone come up to you and say anything like this? -->





How did YOU feel after that "well-meaning" person showed up to let you know how THEY saw what happened to YOU and tell you anything like the statements above?

If you can answer that question honestly, you'll be one step closer to understanding how your actions of flying into this thread to tell me how YOU interpreted the way I was treated may be a less than ideal response...and it may have appeared as if you were simply rallying 'round a rude vet.


Just sharing my feelings...O&H MB Family....O&H (I have abandoned my past tendency to pretend all is well by holding back my negative emotional reactions to things in environments where I should be sharing them.) Hopefully my elbow did not make contact with anyone else's nose in this case...but even if it did, I am sure we'll all still be on the same page as far as encouraging each other with our marriages

Since you asked...


Such statements have really opened my eyes quite a few times. Reality checks are important, especially when one is in a highly emotionally charged state. If I'm freaking out and being offended by something, yes it does help me if someone comes along and gives a different perspective. JMHO, if you can hear and benefit and learn, then it can become a growth opportunity.


Or, if you can consider what folks were saying, you might be one step closer to an eye-opening experience.

I assure you, I didn't spend time posting to you because I thought it would be fun to pick on you! I did it in the hopes that something I might say might be beneficial to you. That's the same reason I'm posting this post. But if it doesn't seem to benefit you this time, I'll stop wasting my time.

Hi Jayne,

I agree 100% - Calming statements are very useful when we're "freaking out." In the situation between LG & I, I wasn't freaking out. I was trying to assist someone on the forum by sharing something which took place IRL.


Strawman alert. I made no suggestion of picking "for fun."

And Jayne, I promise you - with what transpired, my eyes were opened...just not in the way you are describing: For me, this situation reinforced the idea that the MB Forums is a peer counseling environment.

I think we sould let this one die a natural death. LG posted a clarification and I learned a big lesson about peer counseling. Any continued posts on your part about this could be considered a waste of time at best and more fuel for the fire at worst. If you are unable to stop, I will stop it for us by not continuing to answer...you are beginning to irritate me again when after reading LG's clarification - it was all but over.

Consider this to be your growing point and learning opportunity --> Sometimes we really don't need to jump in to "defend" either party to a misunderstanding. And this little gem - Sometimes, it's best to let two opposing parties work things out amongst themselves. Also - It's not your responsibility to translate someone else's thoughts. NED caught that one early on.

To be frank:

1) If you have any input on my plan or my situation I would love to hear it...especially if you detect any holes / deficiencies / something I am missing or failing to address.
2) I will not respond to any further posts from you talking about how I misunderstood... misinterpreted... or "need to grow" with regard to the misunderstanding between me & LG.

I am honored.

Where was the apology? Did I miss something?

ETA:

Since learning about MB, I am not big into apologies (or expecting / waiting for apologies) anymore; however, I do appreciate LB's attempt to clear up the misunderstandings.

Um, ok, not really sure if I post to say "ok" I will be accused of carrying on, or if I don't, I will be accused of ignoring...

Anyway, in my last post I was just answering what I thought were questions, with what I thought were clarifications about MY motivations and MY thoughts and experiences. Sorry. I will stop now.

I had a really strong reaction to your response to LG on the other thread. Had nothing to do with him being a vet, a friend, someone I have admired for years.

Was solely about you, Chris.

Sarcasm is verbal abuse. Period. And I think it apt that you captured the metaphoric elbow-to-nose (physical violence) imagery.

Sarcasm isn't cool, doesn't make you look smarter, more wise or compassionate. It isn't intended to--it's not even an attempt to be funny. Sarcasm distorts communication and gaslights. And you know this...and you do it anyway. It disconnects people from each other, like mockery. It is meant to injure. It is disdainful and disruptive. And it's full of lies.

When I saw your post, I felt the punch...not to any one poster...to myself...because what you justify doing to others, you'll justify doing to me.

I didn't post anything because I'm afraid of that punch to my face. I waited a day, still feel the fear...and I would have responded to your post exactly as LG did.

None of this is shared with you to condemn, refute or chastise you. I'm following Jayners, NED and others' example of bravery.

Of care, in the face of fear. That's very real care for you. And I'm well-meaning and what I say may hurt in you, feel like shame and hurt...so you will hurt back, anyway. I'm not telling you that you should've felt differently...given your half, your interpretation of LG's original post, you felt exactly as I would have given what you chose.

However, nothing LG said could have made you abuse him...nothing. Solely your choice...and solely a reflection on you, your justifications, and DJs towards...labeling him a rude poster.

You could have done that to a newbie and I'd see it the same way.

You could have done that to a poster I disliked, and I'd see it the same way. Because your actions are about you.

Not them.

LA

Definitely LOL, Mark

An agrument with me, LG?

OOO. I can't wait! Put it on my thread!

Wow, Chris, that sounds like a threat, and I wasn't even involved in the original discussion! It's your own AO and DJ here that are harming you.


I, for one, am glad that Markos listened when the people here did that to him. It's what brought us one step closer to intimacy.

O&H has no room for LB, and your posts are full of LB. In the spirit of encouraging you in your marriage: Are you engaging in AO and DJ with your husband, and then calling it O&H?

Thanks for your input and your thoughts everyone.

The weather here is supposed to head downhill after today, so I'm going it enjoy it while I can. If you're on the East Coast, you may want to consider doing the same.

Have a wonderful evening!

LA,

Which post are you referring to where you felt a punch and where I abused LG?

This one:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=159680&Number=2349469#Post2349469

Chris,

I was out in the garden this afternoon. Gorgeous weather, but the pollen sucks. Hope it's not as bad up in NOVA

I was outside this afternoon. It was beautiful this afternoon up until the clouds showed up LOL!

We had a family uno game & now the boys are off to cub scouts. I need to ice my feet

The pollen here is super deadly. I am doubling up on my allergy meds.

Thanks Markos, what do you & Prisca have planned for tonight?


When My H gets back we have 30 mins of UA scheduled, but I am not sure if we'll just sit & chat or play a game (or both.)

LA, am I gonna hafta UNJOIN my new favorite Facebook group: "I speak fluent sarcasm"?

Rats.

Chris:

As you mentioned, this is a peer environment (I wouldn't even term it 'counseling'..more like sharing..but whatever). So the old adage of "take what you like, and leave the rest" would certainly apply.

A lot of people here have a lot of (collective) wisdom. JMO, but the last thing I'd want to do is run anyone off with barbed wire. I've noticed many people go out of their way to post to people, even after there are perhaps misunderstandings. And they all have something valuable to add, even if I might not agree with them. I might see the wisdom of their thoughts later. If you come out of your corner swinging after someone posts something you don't want to hear, some people might just quietly choose to leave the thread, and take their wisdom elsewhere.

Chris,

I'll give you my personal experience.......

I came on here as a BW. Now you would think that all I was going through would have allowed me some leeway on some of my own LB's, attitudes, and behavior. It didn't. Nope, my H being an a$$ didn't cut me ANY slack ( save for ONE incident when I finally caught H and OW together and I ended up going all Sugar Ray Not on H..... ) whenever I did wrong. There were times when I presented situations looking for advice on how I handled it and there were other times when I was just presenting what went down. Whenever I had handled something poorly or could have done better, my mentors on here let me know.......and sometimes I didn't receive that calling out very well.

There was one poster in particular, Mimi, who read me the riot act almost DAILY. She could really get me upset. Heck, she would get my sister upset for me!!!!

However, to this VERY day I am forever indebted to her, because without her tough love, guidance and understanding, I would not be where I am today. I NEEDED that outsider's view to see MY OWN weaknesses.

So next time you feel slighted by someone, you should ask yourself, "What has me upset?", "why am I 'feeling' mad?", and "Does hid person have my best interest at heart?".

If you find you are still upset, you should ask the poster directly what they meant. Had you asked LG what he meant about OH's situation being worse, you would have found that in his explanation that he didn't mean what YOU had thought.......

I did this with Think. You had provided a link to her thread and what I read had me upset and mad. Had I accused her of meaning what *I* thought, it wouldn't have gone well. Instead I asked her for clarification, which was WAY different than what my mind had thought, and even provided her with some thinking of her own. And thus, no harsh words or feelings were felt on EITHER side........ ....or at least I don't think so......

Anothere word to the wise, while the VETS around here are fallible humans beings as anyone and are prone to mistakes as well, one should ALWAYS consider hard what they are pointing out. Having walked the journey, they are a voice of experience.......voices that these forums couldn't do without......as Mel always says, you are not OWED any post by anyone......

{{{{{{Chris}}}}}}}

Not2fun


Ps.....LG, MEDC could bring out the worst in ANYONE........though he did help me a few times, I always said his "brand" of help was like sandpaper to my raw soul........

Not2Fun, I had forgotten about that.

And if I recall, my original comment that got your hackles up was bit sacrastic as well.

We all get defensive now and then, especially when our beliefs are being challenged. I do my best to embrace the challenge instead of fight it with nastiness.

LOL!


I understand. Thanks OH.

BTW - I sent you an email.