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Yes um, I lied. I with held information. I didn't give the whole truth. I was dishonest. I did it to protect myself. So is it ok if he lies to you to "protect" himself from the consequences like you did? What in the world kind of rationalization is that? You need to get honest yourself, tinkerbell, before you can demand that your H be honest with you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes um, I lied. I with held information. I didn't give the whole truth. I was dishonest. I did it to protect myself. So is it ok if he lies to you to "protect" himself from the consequences like you did? What in the world kind of rationalization is that? You need to get honest yourself, tinkerbell, before you can demand that your H be honest with you. OH MY GOD, I did not say that it was OKAY for me to LIE to PROTECT myself. I just EXPLAINED WHY I DID WHAT I DID BACK THEN, 9 years ago! I am NOT okay with this today and I would NEVER do this today! GEEZ!!!! I have been HONEST with myself about this. I am talking about how I felt 9 years ago when I LIED. Damn. I was HONEST with my H when I told him what really happened. OVER A YEAR AGO. I was remorseful. I wouldn't have told him if I wasn't remorseful. I told him if he wanted to leave then I didn't blame him b/c I had been dishonest. He said he didn't want to leave and that we would work it out. NOW he has a different story. This is what I am upset about. Seriously ML, I am not some lying POS that justifies their lies. I have NOT lied to him about anything else and I have come clean with that past lie. Really. I didn't justify it to him when I first told him, I am not justifying it now. Just saying why I did what I did. I was young and stupid. Can we move on? I feel like you just think I'm some POS who deserves this BS from my WH.
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No, we think you are a person who wants everyone to forget that she did something wrong while focusing on someone else's issues.
This is what we call waywardism without adultery.
You explained what you did in an attempt to justify what you did. And he doesn't know you haven't lied to him about anything else, because; you lied about that, didn't you?
I'd say you both need to work on trust and honesty.
No one deserves adultery but YOU have to work on YOURSELF too!
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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tink I am not who I was before I dated him I can tell through your words. Like most of us, we grow and flourish as we age, or we freeze in place and become a vegetable. There is room for differences on this forum. There is no room for those who would attempt to undermine MB concepts. Some on here deal in black and white. I deal in nuances BUT, I do not want to in any way violate Dr. Harley's methods or concepts. I work very hard to see that I don't. And then when I don't understand all I think I ought to, I ask for help. Mel is correct in that your husband had a decision to make when you calmly told the rest of your story. That other parts of your story were worse is irrelevant. He made that decision by staying with you. He did not run out the door. If your child was conceived after that, he made another decision. I know very few guys who would divorce over what you told him. And the ones who would aren't worth keeping. That said, it was his choice and he made it. End of story. What is flat wrong and will always be wrong, is using the information to justify his adultery. Nothing justifies adultery, period. Nor would it be proper of him to use the information to control you, beat you over the head with it even without the adultery. He makes his choice, divorce or stay with you. If stay with you, it is a closed subject, imho. There is a concept for guys his age. You may or may not understand the logic, such as it is. Immature guys do not want to "Follow" someone they KNOW. That is probably his hangup and I think it laughable. And I'm a man. My take is "She choose me."  Hope this helps.
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No, we think you are a person who wants everyone to forget that she did something wrong while focusing on someone else's issues.
This is what we call waywardism without adultery.
You explained what you did in an attempt to justify what you did. And he doesn't know you haven't lied to him about anything else, because; you lied about that, didn't you?
I'd say you both need tow ork on trust.
No one deserves adultery but YOU have to work on YOURSELF too! So now no one can explain why they did something stupid 9 years ago? Something I would never do today, or even 5 years ago. Really. And you have no idea what lies he has told. Yes we both need to work on trust. I am fully committed to the marriage and to working on all of our issues. He is not committed right now. He still loves me, this is what he says. I still love him. So what I want is to save the marriage. Not go over and over past events. I didn't know anything about HH when I was 19. I told 99% of my sexual history. I made a mistake. I am paying for it dearly right now. Isn't that enough?
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Tinkerbell -
You really need to get back to the MB program. This thread is turning south and is not helpful to you. The HH people need to go back to that thread, and you need to get a plan to save your marriage. I agree. Larry
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tink I am not who I was before I dated him I can tell through your words. Like most of us, we grow and flourish as we age, or we freeze in place and become a vegetable. There is room for differences on this forum. There is no room for those who would attempt to undermine MB concepts. Some on here deal in black and white. I deal in nuances BUT, I do not want to in any way violate Dr. Harley's methods or concepts. I work very hard to see that I don't. And then when I don't understand all I think I ought to, I ask for help. Mel is correct in that your husband had a decision to make when you calmly told the rest of your story. That other parts of your story were worse is irrelevant. He made that decision by staying with you. He did not run out the door. If your child was conceived after that, he made another decision. I know very few guys who would divorce over what you told him. And the ones who would aren't worth keeping. That said, it was his choice and he made it. End of story. What is flat wrong and will always be wrong, is using the information to justify his adultery. Nothing justifies adultery, period. Nor would it be proper of him to use the information to control you, beat you over the head with it even without the adultery. He makes his choice, divorce or stay with you. If stay with you, it is a closed subject, imho. There is a concept for guys his age. You may or may not understand the logic, such as it is. Immature guys do not want to "Follow" someone they KNOW. That is probably his hangup and I think it laughable. And I'm a man. My take is "She choose me." Hope this helps. Thank you Larry. Yes, he had a choice when I calmly told him the whole truth. He made his choice. He stayed and he made a baby with me. I know that very few guys or girls would divorce over something like what I did. I was truly sorry for not being honest from the beginning. I am just upset now that my M might end and he will use my mistakes as the reason. When we all know what the real reason will be. In fact, he hasn't even said that he wants a D. He just doesn't know what he wants. He is confused. I do NOT believe this confusion is over my past dishonesty. I believe in marriage and I believe that my marriage is still valid. I believe that my WH and I should reconcile and get to work on our marriage. Our children deserve that. I made mistakes, yes I did. But I am truly sorry and I have shown him that. I have shown him I want this marriage more than anything. I am done with HH. I know where I made my mistake and I am looking to the future. I am willing to work things out with my WH when he decides that this M is what he truly wants. I think our family deserves another chance.
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No, we think you are a person who wants everyone to forget that she did something wrong while focusing on someone else's issues.
This is what we call waywardism without adultery.
You explained what you did in an attempt to justify what you did. And he doesn't know you haven't lied to him about anything else, because; you lied about that, didn't you?
I'd say you both need tow ork on trust.
No one deserves adultery but YOU have to work on YOURSELF too! So now no one can explain why they did something stupid 9 years ago? Something I would never do today, or even 5 years ago. Really. And you have no idea what lies he has told. Yes we both need to work on trust. I am fully committed to the marriage and to working on all of our issues. He is not committed right now. He still loves me, this is what he says. I still love him. So what I want is to save the marriage. Not go over and over past events. I didn't know anything about HH when I was 19. I told 99% of my sexual history. I made a mistake. I am paying for it dearly right now. Isn't that enough? In my opinion, it has been hashed to death here. You are doing fine Tink, like believer said, go back to the plan and work the plan and tell us how the baby inside is doing. Larry
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Tinkerbell -
You really need to get back to the MB program. This thread is turning south and is not helpful to you. The HH people need to go back to that thread, and you need to get a plan to save your marriage. I agree. Larry YEP. Full agreement. Back on track.
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No, we think you are a person who wants everyone to forget that she did something wrong while focusing on someone else's issues.
This is what we call waywardism without adultery.
You explained what you did in an attempt to justify what you did. And he doesn't know you haven't lied to him about anything else, because; you lied about that, didn't you?
I'd say you both need tow ork on trust.
No one deserves adultery but YOU have to work on YOURSELF too! So now no one can explain why they did something stupid 9 years ago? Something I would never do today, or even 5 years ago. Really. And you have no idea what lies he has told. Yes we both need to work on trust. I am fully committed to the marriage and to working on all of our issues. He is not committed right now. He still loves me, this is what he says. I still love him. So what I want is to save the marriage. Not go over and over past events. I didn't know anything about HH when I was 19. I told 99% of my sexual history. I made a mistake. I am paying for it dearly right now. Isn't that enough? In my opinion, it has been hashed to death here. You are doing fine Tink, like believer said, go back to the plan and work the plan and tell us how the baby inside is doing. Larry I agree. I am done talking about the HH and my past mistake. D-O-N-E. The baby inside is doing great. I am 36 weeks along and everything looks good. I have been having a lot of braxton hicks contractions, some of them being a little uncomfortable. Maybe the baby will come before 40 weeks? Who knows. WH said he would be here and that there is a lot to discuss about the future. Whatever that means.
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Tinkerbell -
Good to see us back on track. Your problem is hubby's affair. That is what you must work on. Stay with your plan which should be Plan A right now. You need to take good care of yourself and realize that hubby's affair will end.
Watch what happens with the money next week. He needs to be supporting his family, not just "vacationing" in southern California with his skanky mistress.
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**edit**
Last edited by MBsurvivor; 04/10/10 09:47 PM. Reason: TOS - stop!
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And I hope you are no longer drinking at all.
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Gain the strength you can here. Read all the concepts and positive threads you can find that get you to think and grow, like the baby inside of you.
My X is a BSN, RN and for a long time, she was in Mother/Baby and now is in NICU. I have heard enough baby/mother stories to last a lifetime. She is credited with saving the lives of at least two babies I know of and has a commendation letter from a hospital where she interned before she graduated. Dang good nurse. Lots of the Mother/Baby Nurses are the cream of the crop because that is where they want to be and the Nurses in charge of Women's Services get to pick and choose.
Larry
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***********edit*************
Last edited by MBsurvivor; 04/10/10 09:48 PM. Reason: TOS - disrespectful
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LOL. hell no. I have not had a drinking problem since I was 21-22. I only drink wine when I am NOT pregnant and when I do it is usually only a glass or two maybe twice a week. I am always at home with hubby when we do that. But have not had a drink since before I was knocked up. And now that WH is in CA without me, well even if I wasn't pregnant I doubt we would be drinking wine together.
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Tinkerbell -
Good to see us back on track. Your problem is hubby's affair. That is what you must work on. Stay with your plan which should be Plan A right now. You need to take good care of yourself and realize that hubby's affair will end.
Watch what happens with the money next week. He needs to be supporting his family, not just "vacationing" in southern California with his skanky mistress. Do you really believe that my WH's affair will end? My Uncle is now married for 10 years to his OW. It sickens me. So I know that is not the usual ending for affairs though. Right? I hear it is on average about 2 years that they last? But I don't want to even think about this A lasting that long. that makes me want to vomit.
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Let's get back on track here and stop the bickering or this thread will be locked!
mbsurvivor11@gmail.com
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Gain the strength you can here. Read all the concepts and positive threads you can find that get you to think and grow, like the baby inside of you.
My X is a BSN, RN and for a long time, she was in Mother/Baby and now is in NICU. I have heard enough baby/mother stories to last a lifetime. She is credited with saving the lives of at least two babies I know of and has a commendation letter from a hospital where she interned before she graduated. Dang good nurse. Lots of the Mother/Baby Nurses are the cream of the crop because that is where they want to be and the Nurses in charge of Women's Services get to pick and choose.
Larry Thanks Larry. Will do. I love the nurses at the hospital I will be at. The midwives that have been taking care of me throughout the pregnancy are really great too. I know all of them so whoever is on call when I am in labor will be with me as soon as I get to the hospital all the way to the birth. That is a relief. My mom and two good friends will be with me as well. I am happy but sad at the same time. I keep thinking of my last two births and how my H was there with me, very supportive and loving. Now it's a completely different feeling.
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