If he is agreeable to staying in Iowa, going back to CA for the stuff wouldn't be prudent. Too easy to get rehooked with OW.

Not sure how you would get stuff from there without him going but you should brainstorm on who could go close the place out and bring stuff back besides him.

The rebuilding of the marriage would be too fragile at that juncture since just seeing OW would put him back in addicted, gotta be with her land. The nature of addictions.

In Surviving An Affair there is a line about how waywards, if given the chance would want to break off with Other People in person and they would prefer taking a Carribean Cruise to do it. Being able to see them in person just re-ignites the affair.

The book explains how a wayward must break with other person. By letter, a specific way. Get the book! Study it now! You can get it via this website or amazon.com. Borrow that tiny bit of money to get your studying going now while you are in plan A. It is worth it.

Sister Reed
that is exactly what I needed to read today. I"m going to copy and paste, to print so I can focus and remember what my purpose is for the next 3 weeks.

Hope your plan A with your WH is going well today, Tink.

Work with your body
contractions hurt a bit..but its a good hard work hurt
focus on WHY they feel that way

the abs tighten to pull open the cervix
they have a job to do
each contraction - visualize giant ropes attached to a door and as your abs tighten visulize your inner women heaving on the ropes pulling open the doorway. Whats your inner women look like...mine has ivy in her hair and green wings - she is a spirit of the forest

Then the transition contractions - you actually feel a shift as the muscles stop pullingopen the door and move to top of belly and push down wards...this is you moving the baby out...they are distinctly different. Each contraction has a purpose and a job to do. Breath through them...do not tense up...allow them to do what they are ment to do.

Contractions are not your enemy = they are YOU doing what you are ment to do.

Do not fight them because they hurt - realize the pain has a purpose and work through it. All Pain is not bad.

Also - you must let go of the last contraction. Once it stops..relax completely. shut your eyes and rest. Let go of the last contraction. Do not hold on to the pain and hard work. Breath and let it go. Many women do not dialate because they remain tense in between contractions...fight them fear the next one.

Breath breath breath - relax and let go
next contraction - focus on purpose - breath breath breath and let go
rest
next contraction - focus on purpose - breath breath breath and let go
rest

you must let go of the contraction as it passes. Do not hold on to it. Do not anticipate the next contraction or fear it. deal only with what is happening right then...live in the moment. Ask if they can put your babies heart beat up high enough to hear. Think of that heartbeat - let it become a rthem that you rest to...you and the baby as one...

my sister couldnt dialate because she remained white knuckled and tense in between the contractions. TIGHT...you see

your inner women HEAVES on the door and then its in the relaxing that the door opens. IF you keep the tension tight - you wont open. Pull, relax, let it go...pull relax, let it go

then transiion to PUSH, relax, let it go, PUSH , relax and let it go.

I gave birth to all three sons without drugs. It was an amazing and empowering and uplifting experience. I had a broken pelvis with two and was induced with them as well. You were made to do this, you can do it. I know you can. I have no doubts.

SR, that ALMOST makes me want another baby...almost. I will never forget that feeling, when my precious little ones arrived. After dreaming of being a mommy since childhood....it was amazing.

OK, done with t/j

I must be different.

That post kinda horrified me.

I did natural, too. You can do this.


I think that you Plan A until you are ready to go to Plan B. You make that move to Plan B when your love begins to wane.

You will know when that is. If it is before the birth, if it is after, you will know.

Have your letter ready, and your intermediary lined up.

Just don't let him know in advance, because you might not need to do this. It can look like an ultimatum when it is revealed in advance, and that is not the purpose.

Its purpose is to protect your love. Focus on that.


What should you say/do when he comes? Read and know the Carrot and Stick of Plan A. Do THAT.

Because it is effective.

He needs to stop his affair, and CHOOSE HIS FAMILY.

Nothing else is acceptable.

SB

SisterReed

Are you an L/D Nurse? That was written as if you are. Good job.

Larry

Plan A is about negotiating an end to the A.

When he comes to "visit" I would negotiate a return to the M and let him know what you can accept and what you can't. There is really no room for discussion when you have a bottom line of what you are willing to accept, you can just say it over and over. I would refrain from calling it an A and call it a friendship with OW. No need to educate him right now. So I would say things like this...

"I will not accept a M where we live apart."

"I will not accept a M where my H is in a friendship with OW."

"I will not accept a M where you have any contact with OW."

You say what you think sounds like it comes from you, and repeat, repeat, repeat...the same SIMPLE statement over and over. Don't use the word "you" in it, and try to start with "I".

If he argues with you about your statement, simply say it again...and again...and again...

If he is not willing to end his relationship with OW, and goes back to Cali, then you hand him your Plan B letter. You have told him what you will accept and what you won't. It doesn't need to be a long drawn out discussion...it can go like this.

Him: The baby is so cute, I can't wait to tell OW.

You: I will not accept a M where my H has a friendship with OW.

Him: What do you mean? I will not give her up...and what about what you did....

You: I will not accept a M where my H has a friendship with OW.

Him: That's ridiculous, you can't make me end it with her...

You: I will not accept a M where my H has a friendship with OW.

Him: We'll just see about that...

You: Oh, look what the baby just did.

Not a nurse at all. I am an executive assistant to veople (kinda like people but not exactly)

But I have given birth three times naturally, talked several friends through natural delivery as a birth coach.

And it is my nature to seek to do things as naturally as possible and to understand a process from a micro perspective and remember the macro view as necessary. If you look at the big picture all the time - often its overwhelming...but if you block all out except what is necessary - Then you can do everything - periodically taken a step back to focus on the long term goal to keep you going in the right direction.

Do not focus on the 20 mile hike - just the next curve and remember the destination
Do not focus on the whole Labor - just the next contraction and remeber its about holding your baby
Do not focus on the 1 - 2 years of recovery and the pain day in and day out - focus on enforcing boundaries today...little things today - and the long term goal.

Its like...look at your feet - look at the goal (dont look at the long road between your feet and the goal).

I spend alot of time thinking about how grass grows, and the process it takes to reach up to the sun...you can learn alot from watching grass grow.

I let the nurses do what they do...i just help keep moms focused. I am not like some birth coaches who think they are nurses...I am not. I just help keep a mom calm, focused and centered.

Thanks all for the help!!

I know exactly how I will handle the situation when he is back. And I have been thinking of who can bring our stuff back, or atleast go with him to keep him in line and focused on getting the stuff and getting back. He is not doing so well out there, he is barely making enough to provide for himself let alone a family of 5. So if that is what it will take for him to get the heck outta there then I will accept that.

He knows that I will not accept a M where we live apart. That is so ridiculous and he knows it. If he can't make enough money to support us out in Cali then he needs to man up and realize what he should be doing, what he SHOULD have done from the beginning. He knows what is right. I just can't wait for the addiction to break and I think that will come sooner if he can't live out there due to financial difficulty. I highly doubt vampira would support him. But I could be wrong.

I am 37 weeks so I'm just focusing on bringing the sweet little baby into the world. And it's another boy so I am excited about that. If my WH can't wake up and see the truth when he comes back then plan B it is. Thank you all for the support. I will be back when I have more questions or an update.

Hey everyone,hope your weekend is going well! I have been busy and just focusing on getting ready for the baby and plan A each day for WH. Money problems are getting worse for him, therefore he cannot send me much, if any money at the moment. I really don't care at this point how much money he is lacking because I really think that maybe this will show him that money isn't the most important thing right now and that he can make money doing whatever he has to do in some other place. We don't have to be in California.

He is pretty down. I'm still being wonderful to him during this plan A stuff but he sent me a text saying that the reason he doesn't call much or whatever is because he is in agony and doesn't feel like he even deserves to live half the time. He said that he loathes his life right now. I think that he loathes HIMSELF. I know that this is a mixture of everything that is going on. Vampira, his A with her, money problems, family is gone, all alone when vampira isn't around, job isn't going as well as it should be, no time to pursue dreams he still has b/c of the situation, guilt, etc. Well, I think that someone in an A deserves agony. They brought it on themselves. They can deal with it.

I will continue to be wonderful to him and bring my baby here and shower him with loads of love and affection. My WH can decide whether or not he wants to pull his head out of his a$$ and have a wife and family again. Sure the road is long and hard, but the end is worth it right? If you commit and put in the time and the effort then the marriage can be resurrected and become wonderful. It is all a matter of perspective and effort. I haven't begun to lose my love for him. Which is amazing to me. It must be God because Lord knows if it wasn't, the love I have for him would have gone cold weeks ago and I would have been trying to get even with him. Anyway, so that is the news around here. Any input will be gladly accepted.

You need to insist that he sends you money. If he won't then file for support with the court. Don't try to lure him back by saying money isn't important. It is. Cut off his affair funds by having the court make him support his family.

Plan A can be good. Yay on focusing on the arrival of the baby!
Yes, he created his own agony, no doubt about it. It isn't your job to save him from it. He has lots of work to do on his own to get to a better place.

Your Love Bank (marriage builder term)
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html
hasn't had many withdrawals in the account attached to you spouse yet. That is why you are feeling a lot of love towards him. Only time will tell how his account goes.

If you didn't get Surviving An Affair yet, now is a fabulous time to do it. You will have an exellent read to study, dogear, etc.

I am thrilled that your latest post sounds good!

Hey Tink

Uh, sounds like you are doing better than he is. Wanna put more pressure on the affair? Easy.

You know what he is telling you about the money situation. You don't KNOW if he is telling you the truth or not. He may be spending money on the vampire.

Get a free consultation with a Lawyer to get your options. See what you can do about waddling into Court, sticking your tummy out and telling a Judge that your husband is in California and won't send you money for support. One of the ways you can start that is to apply for government programs.

I can't help it, that picture of you in Court is

Larry

Check the bank account to verify the income and outflow. Find out from the employer how much he is making, because he may very well be putting his money elsewhere and LYING TO YOU.

Do not trust a word he says.

He is in an affair - and his loyalty is not with you.

Do. Not. Believe. Him.


SB

Hey all, thanks for the heads up regarding the money situation. I am going to talk to a lawyer friend of my mom's about getting support. I have no way of knowing how much money he has b/c we no longer have a bank account. I had shut ours down in IA and he cannot get one in CA because of a past account from a few years ago that has not been cleared up yet, it's paid and closed out, but they haven't taken him off as an "account abuser" because we were in overdraft a few times back then. So it sucks for him. Whtaever. I will ask him for his check stubs again and will say it is for my medicaid or something. That way I can see how much he made for the past month. It's really sickening to me that he could be spending money on vampira when SHE has MORE money than him! She can support herself quite nicely and I'm sorry but that is just freaking disgusting that a man can become so vile during an affair that he will give away his money to his dispicable partner in adultery while leaving his family to be cared for by other people. Either family or government. Men who do this are cowards.

Well Tink, I dunno if he is spending money on Vampira or not, just a supposition cause he is complaining about being broke. I dunno what she makes, but physical trainers in CA can often perform, uh, side services for, uh, tips. So I have heard anyway. Guys have less opportunity for extra services.

Sometime back, banks didn't like overdrafts. Then they fell in love with them because of profits. Now they are going back to not loving them again because Uncle Sam is changing the regulations.

Larry

Hey Tink:

You ok?

Larry

Hey Larry,

Yeah I'm okay. I've just been stayin away from the computer for a little while. I just needed to clear my head and spend some time with friends and family.

I am having contractions off and on for 2 days now. I think the baby will be here by the end of the month, that is just my guess.

As far as his money situation, I have received his check stubs and he is not making nearly enough to cover everything. So I know he has absolutely NO money to spend on vampira. That is good. Also, as far as I last knew the phone conversations were not happening as much. That was about a week ago that I checked. If I don't text him during the day he will text me at night wondering if everything's okay. Seems it doesn't sit too well with him when I pull back, even just a little bit.

I think I am completely prepared to deal with him when he is back for the birth. I know what I'm going to say and I have my friend's husband ready to talk with him as well. I just need my WH to agree to talk with him, without feeling set up. I don't want that. He knows this friend from church, but not real well. I think that he would be willing to talk with him b/c they have played basketball together and been involved with church functions in the past. I am working on my plan B letter. I will post it sometime soon so yall can help me revise it if I need to.

I haven't forgotten about you all! I trust the advice that I have recieved here. I hope that I will have good news for you after I see my WH. Good news about baby and him is my hope. I have not stopped plan A and I have been praying.

We've been talking about you on the Other Topic board, wondering if you had the baby yet. Is someone going with you to the hospital? How is he going to get back for the birth?