Hi Guys.......
I think what you are doing on this site is awesome. Just being able to read the posts and knowing that I am not alone has been a wonderful lift to my sanity. Let me give you some backround: I have been married 15 years as of 2010. Back in 2007, my son (21 at that time) informed me his father was having an affair. He broke it off when I found out but continued to speak to her for the next 2 months. We then had help from the Elders at our church (she is also a member but at different congregation) and he left it alone for 8 months (no contact). Then on the day that my husband and I were baptised (6/08) at a convention, we ran into her. Again (without my knowledge) this affair started back up again and lasted until late September 2009 - 14 months. The affair is finally over, he has been reproved from the Elders (full disclosure, everyone knows). He is very loving and we have the relationship I have always hoped for now. Here is my problem......I cannot, for whatever reason get her (them) out of my mind. Everything I see reminds me of the adultry. You need to know that there isn't ANYTHING I own that SHE hasn't touched (including my 10 year old, my lakhouse, my house, where we bike ride, all the parks we go to......NOTHING I have solely belongs to me any more). This is driving me crazy. I want it to be gone so I can enjoy my marriage but my mind races to......all these thoughts. How long does it take for this to go away??? Anyone???

Wow! I'm so glad you posted. I struggle with this as well. I'm 5 months out from d day.
I know how you feel. It makes it incredibly hard to enjoy things. It's like you have new glasses on that make you see things different. Hang in there!
One of the things my h and I have done is (this is incredibly hard) we went to one of "their" places together. I almost cried the entire time but it was putting a new memory on a tainted affair stained place. It is basically exposure therapy. I can see now where this can be strengthening.

I do struggle with ocd anyway, so I've had to go on medication. It's one day at a time. (sometimes one hour at a time)

I should say that it is definately getting better. Triggers are still all around but....
An example is, there was a coffee place they met at before. I've been in there since at it wasn't that terrible.

I'm almost 7 years past D-day, am divorced and still occasionally have those same obsessive thoughts. Mark posted a great thread about how to manage your memories. I'll look for it, but it had to do with how the brain works. The important thing is to reclaim the things in your life by doing things to make NEW memories. Then the brain can move on past the old hurts. It really, really works.

Managing Our Memories�

I've been reading stuff all over the place for a while now about the concept of managing our memories. I think both BS and WS need to learn to monitor and modify our memories so I will attempt to discuss both sides though the overall concept is applicable to both sides of the discussion.

There are two memory systems at work in our brain. The procedural or implicit memory system recalls emotions and concepts along with behavioral memories while the declarative or explicit memory recalls details. Implicit memories are pretty much not under our control and happen without much input from us. They are linked to that part of the brain called the amygdala. But explicit memories are linked to the part of the brain called the hippocampus and are very much under our control.

For every memory file there are two parts of the file, the emotional/physiological and the details of the event itself or other things surrounding that event. Expressed as a formula we could say that: Memory File= Details + Physiological Response.

Many of our procedural/implicit memories require no input from us at all. They simply happen on their own. This is how we ride a bicycle. We don't think about, recall the details of how to maintain balance and execute a list of steps; we just get on, start peddling and ride away. Explicit or declarative memories usually do require us to purposely recall them in order to cause them to come into our consciousness.

Those memories that are strongest, that is, have the most staying power and are most easily recalled are those that have the greatest physiological component to them So if I were to ask (at least those in my age group) where were you when you heard that JFK had been shot, you would instantly recall even minor details of that moment in time, forever frozen in you memories. For those born a little later a similar event might be the explosion of the space shuttle and for those living on the west coast it might be the Northridge quake in 1994.

Most of us know exactly what we were doing when the World Trade Center was struck. I can see easily the second plane as it slammed into the tower and the fire-ball that exploded from the building. I can also see the people who jumped to their deaths falling in space as they tried to escape the flames. I can even see the necktie of one man streaming behind him as he fell to his death. The emotional aspect of these things is what allows us to recall such minute details and is why they are in fact unforgettable.

Now the thing about all of this dual memory system is that one side of a memory can and does cause the other side to be recalled. When we see someone that we have not seen in many years such as an old classmate, we first scan their face, link what they look like to a memory file and almost at once know that we know them. But it takes a little longer for us to look into the other side of the brain and find a name that we can associate with a face and say "John, good to see you!" In some cases, we might never recall the name and stumble through a conversation with someone who seems to be an old friend that we know we once knew but we have no recall of any details of anything we ever did while with that person and therefore haven't a clue who they might be.

But if we had a strong emotional reaction to someone in our past, then not only do we recognize them instantly as someone we should know, but a few seconds later, the memories of the physiological aspects of our memories of them are activated and we "feel" exactly the same things we felt when with them before. All the same chemicals that were at work in our brain when the memory was created suddenly flood our brains and things like increased blood pressure, adrenaline spikes and a whole bunch of other things are there in short order.

But an emotion can trigger a memory file as well. Either half of the equation when recalled by our brain brings about the other half in some way. But for both the BS and the WS, the biggest problem is that when we have a certain explicit memory (details) the implicit or emotional response follows unless we do something to short circuit that trigger.

For a WS this means that when thinking of an affair partner in any way, the emotions of the affair come flooding back in less than two minutes. This is why a past lover can never remain a friend and we must have no contact with that lover for the rest of our lives. Simply seeing that person will trigger the emotional side of the memory file equation and the "feelings" we once had associated with that person come flooding back into our consciousness very quickly. These emotional reactions then trigger additional detail memories which then bring up the emotional aspects of those and the cycle begins to repeat until the affair reigniting becomes a very real possibility.

For the BS, the problem is what we would call triggers that cause the anguish, pain, sadness and all the rest to be manifested soon after the memory of the betrayal is brought to the forefront of our minds. This is the cause of PTSD that a strong negative emotional event brings about that causes us to relive that event over and over again.

But the good news is that we can begin to manage this process to our advantage. An emotional response can be re-associated with a new event or series of events and the event itself can be redirected so that the emotions are prevented by thinking of something else first or by creating a new memory that gets associated with the emotions before they happen by creating a new link between the new event and the old emotion.

For the WS, this means that when you think of the affair partner, and the emotions are about to come flooding back into your brain, thus causing you to desire to relive those emotions with that affair partner, you can in fact begin thinking about your spouse first and so cause the emotions to start being redirected toward your spouse instead of the affair partner. This is basically the opposite of what happened when the affair began since your emotions and feelings did not start out being associated with the affair partner but with your spouse and only after a repetition of a few times did those feelings become associated with the affair partner instead.

Additionally, when feelings of sorrow, sadness and remorse cause you to become depressed over what you have done, those emotions need to be associated directly with the affair and not with your spouse. By doing this, eventually, your brain begins to link the sadness and depression with the affair instead of with your spouse.

For the BS, this link between an event memory and the negative emotions can cause real problems because when we think of the affair it causes us all the same negative emotions from the trauma of the betrayal. This then causes us to consider the source of the betrayal, our spouse, in context with the negative feelings and emotions. By redirecting our thoughts to something more associated with a positive emotion we can manage the memory by creating a new association with something more positive thus linking it to our spouse, eventually causing the negative feelings to fade as the good replaces the bad when we think of our spouse.

The research for all of this is relatively recent and concepts are still evolving. The original research was done regarding burn victims who often relive the trauma of being burned whenever they are triggered in any way to recall the event. For some it might be seeing a flame; for others it could be a pain that triggers the memory of the fire. Heat, pain, light, or a smell can all cause these triggers. In fact any one of our senses might trigger us to relive such a horror in all its emotional, painful and exacting details. Memory management techniques have been shown to lesson the affects of PTSD in such cases and after a couple of years of dealing with the trauma of betrayal, I believe that the same methods are what can make the difference in healing from that betrayal and moving on whether the marriage is restored or not.

Since we cannot control the physiological and emotional aspects of the memory, it requires that we learn to modify the event part of the equation and by so doing hopefully create a different set of emotions attached to new memories so that we no longer have to relive the pain and suffering that resulted from the affair.

This is what we are actually doing when we "reclaim" aspects of our lives such as visiting a place again and building new better memories thought hat place once was linked in our minds to the affair. It is why hysterical bonding sex when it occurs is so powerful in helping a couple reconnect. It is why taking a vacation together during early recovery can help with that reconnection as well and it can also be how we can overcome our anxiety over seeing a certain color or type of vehicle as we drive along the road to work.

The emotions involved in an affair are so strong and so profound for both the WS and the BS that the process can take a long time to happen. But I believe it might be possible to speed the process up by making a conscious effort to invoke the ability of the brain to control those parts of memories that it can control and so redirect or prevent the emotions and feelings from causing us to relive the trauma.

I have some thoughts as to application but won't go into them here since I think specific circumstances call for specific modification efforts geared toward a single portion of the memory process for a specific event or memory. This requires modification to fit the specific needs of each person and couple rather than a broad stroke application as described here.

Just some thoughts�

Any feedback?

Mark

Marks thread is best.

something I use to stop destructive thoughts. When thinking of a negative thing I do the following.

BRASS.

Breath - thats is ...just close your eyes and focus on breathing. Feel breath moving in and out of your body. Visualize if you like something cool and calming. I think of grass or a green trees or if I am really upset, cool green marble.

relax - make your face soft, make your shoulders soft, lengthen your spine and feel it extende from your tail bone trough the top of your head.

AIM - think of something positive that is an action that can be done right now...this second. Baking cookies, taking a walk - kissing the spous...a positive action.

STOP - seriously think of a STOP SIGN...STOP everything thats negative - STOP the thought...think of a big red sign in your head

SHOOT - get up and do what you aimed at...right now...this second...do something healthy and positive...

You are not alone in this. I just had this conversation with my WH. It's like every where we go, she's been or therewas a time that he was talking to her on his cell phone and I didn't know it. For example, she went to our church. She no longer attends but that's where the attraction begin. When we go to the gym, while I on the trademill he who be talkingto her on his Bluetooth same as when we were golfing and sometimes I would sit in the car. He would be talking to her. Everytime we drive aroundtown and I see a SUV like hers. Even when I go to the Walmart, memories are there because the physically part of the affair started in the backseat of her SUV at the Walmart. My house, when I would be in the bathroom he would sneak and call her. The game room of our house was used to text her so I don't trust him in there alone. These memories are overwhelming at times. I wish it would all just go away!

Yes......my husband had custody of his two children and I raised them. I am sorry but I do not like the step word and so I forget to include that when I am speaking about my children.

Me too, I call mine my given children or just son or daughter.

Im almost 4 years out from D-Day and I still have obsessive thoughts. I dont have them every day, but I do go through a few weeks or months where I seem to become obsessed all over again.

I dont really know how to manage the triggers in any healthy way. Its like they overcome me and I KNOW all the things I should do, I just cant stop myself from obsessing.

Most times I can keep them at bay but some days, I just cant.

Yes......26 years, It's everywhere for me too. My husband though I was crazy when I wanted to ride the ferris wheel and kiss him on just like he did her (first kiss) and take trips to the same places they went just to make new memories.....seems I was on the right track. Will keep trying.

Thanks to everyone for the friendly advice.

Just keep moving forward. Reclaim memories, and like Pep said, if anything stays too painful, get rid of it.

I almost got rid of my home, because OW and my ex used it to rut. And she was a neighbor and drove by every day. But now, I'm glad that I didn't give her that power over me. And I'm happy again in my home.

I completely understand what you are saying. I have been having this same problem...I am 5 1/2 months out from discovery. I found out that one instance happened at the end of our driveway (in her car) and I really truly wanted to dig that portion of the earth out...clear to the core of the earth and make it disappear!

The obsessive thinking really became a problem for me about a month ago, when I literally was up all night with my mid racing, it was interfering with work and more. I don't care for taking medicaitons, however, I did end up speaking with both our counselor and my Dr. and am now taking a low-dose anti-anxiety med that is helping tremendously. My mind is not racing 24/7 anymore and I am working on redirecting my thoughts. Sometimes it's very difficult and I have no clue for timelines to answer your question...but thought I would chime in too adn say you're not alone

You are not alone on the triggers, I bought my FHW a new wedding ring because I couldnt get rid of the feeling that the original was tainted since it had touched another woman. And after he told me that the OW had better breasts than I did I spent months trying to think up ways to remove mine and live through it, or else something I could do to make it so the Dr would have to remove them. I still wish they were easy to get rid of as the ring, but I've learned to live with it most days. It does get better eventually, you will still probably feel that way sometimes but it wont be all the time like it is now.

I feel the same way my sister is the one who did the deed with my husband and she lived with us even tho ther affair was short lived. He says it was just sex I do believe that. It happened when he worked nights for about a month all the other times we was always together except on fridays when he didn't work all I have is his word and I feel he his sorry and regretful..But everywhere i look or touch she is there I asked him if he ever had her pop into his head he says no...I'm not so sure about that but.. I do have faith in our marrige and I agree it is hard not to think of them together when there alaways there with you sometimes I'll think of something else to try and get my mind off it and know and understand how hard it is....I understand how hard this id for you and he did have his affair a year ago I just found out 2 months ago like I told him I didn't have a year to forget and replace my memories if he wants us we both have to fight and he says he will fight as hard as he can to be back where we was happy...I say lets see in a year if he went back on his promise of love and faithfulness...All us women and men can do is try and say hey I give it all my best and at least we triend if it does work out or not...

My husband is very sweet. Like I said, the marriage is awesome in of itself. He anwswers any question I ask. But she is everywhere. And when we make love it is the hardest not to think about the fact that she had him also. She touched him here or there or whatever. I really appeciated the post on my memory. This has helped over the last couple of days. Replacing memories also. Will still try to work on things. Thanks again EVERYONE!! It helps to know that I am not alone.