Well I just spent the day ruminating through all of this and so much of it makes sense.

Simply put, we all can give numerous reasons why we do things but ultimately there are no excuses when we do those things.

And with all that has happened in this mess I have been made the villain. And in some ways it is justified, like I have mentioned I am guilty of numerous LB's on multiple occasions.

I am a man of faith and that is where I will filter all of my actions. I know that in so many ways what you all are saying is truth but some of is doesn't completely jive. I will not leave Christ and I want to do this through His yea or nay.

I'm not looking to be malicious and vengeful and I realize that there are times to Fight... I just want to keep myself in His ways.

I'm not in any way fanatical I'm just solid in this.

Advise in these ways if you will...

And for the record for as many LB's that I have committed (mostly in angry outburst) I have also managed to be very calm and understanding. Just pointing out that I'm not all righteous and 'man of God' ish... I screw things up just like any other man.

I just strive to go the Christian way as much as I can control for myself.

Ummmm, how is exposure against HIS ways?

So what makes her so great that you're willing to be with her after she has charged you falsely, cheated on you, thrown you out of your house, and broken her vows?

How old are you?

How much worse can you make things than they are already? What in your current situation makes you think she will possibly return to the marriage?

These are questions worth answering. I understand you wish to save things. These are still questions worth exploring.

First to Scottland... I'm hearing you and that's the kind of stuff I, in my spinning headspace, I haven't thought of clearly... thank you.

To helpthelostdads... I married a great lady and as has been referenced here, she has been taken over by an alien, or in the Christian realm... a demon. But I did marry a great lady and in as much as she has trashed me and her marriage I believe that in her heart she is being tormented and ripped to shreds in conflict.

And in my days I have screwed up major also and the greatest thing is that I have learned and been forgiven... in the end it has made me a better person.

Can things get worse??? you're right... not much worse than this...

WW has been reaching out, ever so gingerly, to some people who she knows will hold her accountable and I think this is in an effort to stop her personal tragedy...

I'm hoping for the best

Hi JAG-

I can understand this:
Paul says that we, as Christians, are to "speak the truth in love" (Eph 4:15).

In Matt. 18:15-17, Jesus gives instructions on what to do with a fellow believer who is in active sin against you. After you have pointed it out, if they refuse to listen, you are supposed to bring others along side you as you address the issue again. This is to bring the other person back into fellowship, not to punish them. If they refuse to listen after that, Jesus says the church is to treat them as an unbeliever. (JT's paraphrase)

Hope this helps-

Let me put it to you this way. I look at exposure as part of HIS training as well. What are you doing? You are telling the truth. You are allowing someone to be held accountable for their actions and to ask to be forgiven.

I know it is counter intuitive. Believe me, it was for me too. But where did my/your instincts get us to? Well, we can change that. The first way is to EXPOSE.

It is not done from a place of HATRED. It is done from a place of LOVE. Think of it as a gentle NUDGE in the right direction. It may be scary. WHo am I kidding, it is FRIGHTENING. Noone who has ever exposed felt bad about doing it. Many have not exposed and regretted that decision. Which would you like to be?

Thank you sooooo much to johstwin and to Scottland

I'm not looking for a way out, I think that I am in fact looking for a way in. And you're right Scottland... it is FRIGHTENING!!!! And I don't want the regretts.

As I always say, "When I know better I do better." You shouldn't blame yourself for what you did in the past. You can't change that. All you can do is change who you are today so your future will be different. It is good to take a personal inventory to see where you need improvement. That is what Plan A is all about. Other than the exposure parts, do you have any questions in regards to Plan A? What are your WWs ENs? WHat have you been doing to meet those needs? How have you been avoiding your LBs now?

JAG, this is exactly the right attitude. You need God on your side and in doing so, cannot give quarter to evil. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping your wife's dirty secret enables her affair. You become an accessory to the crime by helping them hide their dirty secret. So far this affair has about destroyed one marriage and threatens to destroy TWO if this continues.

And if the OM's marriage is destroyed too, it will partly be because of your silence. She cannot protect herself from your wife and her husband if you will not warn her.

So, how do you stand up to this evil and stop the destruction of two marriages? You EXPOSE the evil. You turn on the light and help bring your wife and her fellow adulterer out in the open where adultery will wither and die. That is an act of CHRISTIAN LOVE, JAG. You would be standing up for your marriage by leading your wife and the OM out of the darkness where evil thrives. Don't aide and abet evil, JAG.


Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
Ephesians 5:11

Scottland: I can't see how Plan A is possible... I have a NO CONTACT RO and that stands until July 1. That is one of the primary troubles I have with the tsunami exposure thing. I would like the chance to show the characteristics outlined in Plan A the carrot but I can't and with the last events being LB's with her (angry outbursts) I think she will just interpret this exposure as another angry outburts and LB.

DAMN!!!

MelodyLane:

Exactly!!!!! Now that is the kind of stuff I can understand in my heart and with the way that I am convicted in my faith.

I heard it said that 'the power of sin is in it's secrecy'

And you just nailed it...

Some precious people to me are going to be upset with me in telling the truth... shoot the messenger.

Thats ok, JAG. You will be doing it because it is the RIGHT THING to do for your marriage, not because you want someone's approval. You answer to God for your marriage, not some well meaning, but confused friends. Stand up and LEAD your marriage out of this darkness, JAG.

So... what do I do? some kind of hybrid enforced (because of the RO) Plan B. Sit here and wait? Because that is in essence what I am doing.

And with this exposure thing looming well I have another dilemma. I need to get some things from the house so I can live and get some enjoyment too until at least July. Summer clothing and motorcycles and golf clubs and the like. I do the exposure right away and she's ticked and she has to approve me getting stuff and...

So I have a friend that can go over and get stuff this Saturday and that all needs to go through the attorneys and get approved by her. Kind of at her mercy on this.

So exposure would be on Monday, HELL of a way to start the week...

So any follow up out there? Two months ago I did a very limited exposure to 4 of her 'christian' friends (3 enablers, 1 more mature wise lady) and to 2 pastors. So she has a mix of advisors but the most powerful influence is her sister. They have always been 'close' but now it is excessive and maligned against me.

So my initial exposure should have been tsunamic where in my ignorance it was barely a breeze. And as I am learning now she was asking me to stay quiet and protecting the secret second life and protecting OM. In the last 2 months WW has reached out to others to prime them about contact from me and I'm labeled as an abuser and mean and nasty... hence the RO. Get the focus off of the A and back on to me and the 'problem'.

So the ground has already been set for exposure and in many ways she has done her homework in villifying me to others.

Do I just bulldose forward at this point and finish the tsunami even though most people will see it as me just being vindictive?

Just a big mess...

JAG-Sorry, I didn't mean that you were going to do a PLan A with an RO. I meant more like you would learn what you can about MB. Sorry if it came off wrong. I just didn't know if you had done any of the thinking on the carrot part. I know you have an RO, but if it was false, it could be lifted. Then you might be scrambling to figure out what to do. It would help you feel like you were doing something productive as well.

Now as far as the exposure goes, there may be some people who will see you as doing this to be vindictive. That is why exposure should be done as quickly as possible. It doesn't mean that you can't do the rest now. If you ask for the people's help when you are exposing, it will come off as a loving way. You also will explain that you are doing this to help save your M.

Alright that's making sense, sorry to sound like such a wooos just now, i've really been beaten and some of the wounds are tough to maneuver around.

Yes I want to save this M

And in regard to the RO. In the court if ww even says she 'feels' unsafe... RO. and it can't be lifted. I understand the principle of a RO but they can be abused so easily. And that's where I'm at.

And it really sucks because with NO contact I can't even show the 'nice guy' she married. The last thing she saw was numerous angry outbursts.

Don�t let fear paralyze you.

I may come off as harsh, but there are some important questions you have yet to answer. It's important to address these questions.

What happened to her first husband?

Did you meet her while she was married to him?

As far as an RO, was there any evidence to be used against you? Witnesses? Recordings of threats?

RO's usually have some evidence that backs them or they get dropped.

Finally, stop letting fear control you. The people here who have saved things have done so by exposing. They all had the same fears you have. It is a necessary step if you're going to recover.

The number one most important person to expose to is OM's wife.

Odds are high she doesn't know.

You need to go into this with the understanding that your wife is gone and may never come back. Part of what will make you attractive is the coolness and calm that comes with the understanding that you don't NEED her in your life.

I respect your desire to honor your vows. I would do the same before throwing in the towel. However, if she cheated before she'll cheat again.

Please answer the questions asked so we can have a bigger picture of things.

I don't understand. I thought we already discussed exposure? What has changed? The goal is not to gain to popular approval, but to kill her affair. If your goal is to worry about how others see you, then you might as well just get divorced now because you are not going to make it if FEAR is your guide. Who cares what other people think? You have to lead your marriage out of the dark, JAG.

We gave you a plan, Sir. Are you going to replace it with your own fears? How far has that got you in the past?