See, OH, there ARE jobs out there.
The reason H is not finding them is:
1. Because he's not looking hard enough or in the right places (hint: the job is not in your belly button)
2. Because people can senses his negativity and no one wants a part of that.
Glad to hear you got an ego boost. Take your time before making a final decision.

He's been out of work since 2002 with a brief 1 year stint as an account manager for a design firm (a job he complained bitterly about as being beneath him and a company he complained about being rinky-dink...for the entire year). He's also done some carpentry/contracting work; never took the test for his contractor's license. Brief stint as an estimator for a larger company, got let go from there.

There are jobs out there...but the level job he's seeking, he is not going to find with his work history.

OH, your husband needs to realize that if he had been working at a high level and lost that job, he would have problems being hired because the employers would see him as "overqualified" - so they would assume he would "become bored" and quit for a better job when he could find one. Also, many younger managers might feel threatened to have someone with more experience and better resume on the same floor with them ( a block to their next move up the ladder).

There are all sorts of barriers to being hired. Get over it. Swallow your pride. Do something.

A friend of mine, a former CEO, was ousted in a buyout, and worked temp jobs, doing turnarounds and running departments in small companies (1/10 the size of the last division he ran as a VP). When he couldn't find another 1-year job, he took a six month job. When he couldn't find any jobs, he bought a run-down duplex, fixed it up, and rented it. Now, three years later, he owns 10 of them, paid for. And he was helping a friend run a breakfast and lunch diner where all these bankers, and former business associates came in to eat. Didn't bother him to build their lunches.

And, oh yes, an old co-worker heard about a takeover of a company in his hometown, called him, got his resume to the president, and he is now running that subsidiary.

Retread, you are preaching to the choir here. I've tried to sugggest all of the above to him, in addition to volunteering, etc. It's all met with a whine of roughly translated: "but I don't wanna, I want a big corporate job to drop into my lap."

Ugh.

In the meantime, I've walked dogs (and found great leads to PT project gigs for both of us..high level people have $$$ to pay people to walk their dogs); worked in a coffee shop, cheese shop, taught spin classes, answered phones, and in the last 4 years, work in a call center in a very much lower level job than I am used to doing.

So as I said, you are preaching to the choir.

A MC we were once seeing together once asked him an interesting question. We were talking about the job issue and I was letting off some steam about how frustrated I was. And he said "well, I guess I'll just have to take some sh**t-[censored] job...and suck it up and take one for the team." And the counselor said "do you think your wife likes her job?" He said "no, she hates it." And the counselor said: "so do you think she's also taking one for the team?"

His response: well, that's different. And he proceeded to launch into all this other "mom-stuff" I do in the community with the kids as well, as though that were the complete source of my satisfaction in life.

It was a very revealing and scary picture into the inside working of his brain and how he sees me/my value.

OH, your husband seems to have a disconnect between his perception of himself, and the perception others have of him. He needs to assess what he wants to be, what kind of work he wants to do, and then move towards that. It ain't gonna be easy, but it isn't easy for 99% of us out here, either. Step one is a dose of reality about his self-image.

And what do I do while he is wallowing around in self pity?

...besides sink further into withdrawal, which isn't doing me or the marriage any good?

OH, if it were just your H, and he was in a bubble, sulking quietly, I would say, "Yes, let him wallow in self pity." Sadly, that couldn't be farther from the truth.
In fact, he's an angry, spiteful "kick the dog" kind of person, who takes out his frustrations on you and your children. You know this, though, so once again, I'm preaching to the choir.
But tell me this? What do YOU want to do about this?
Let's presume he's never going to change.
How long will you wait, subjecting you and your kids to his angry outbursts?

That's the problem, Ima. Like Hold, who seems to have lost desire to do the work necessary to recover his marriage, but doesn't want to leave it, I find myself in a similar spot.

I may have to take his "eeyore" award away from him.

I used to worry that if I didn't hold up my end of the log, he'd find his ex gf again, or another person to fill those needs.

Now I don't care. That should tell me something.

OH - here's something I finally said to my H as near as I can remember how I said it.


Your H is in a h*ll of his own making. You can't do anything about that. You need to accept that. What *you* can do, and what *you* are responsible for, is getting yourself out of his h*ll, and getting your kids out. That may mean firm boundaries, that may mean separation, that may mean D. You're the only one who knows what it will take to get you guys out if it, but that's the bottom line... if you're on a plane that's going down, you put your mask on and then take care of the kids. He's an adult, you can't put the mask on for him, he has to choose to do it for himself.

My H had a similar issue.

Prior to retireing from the USMC he fought me tooth & nail about getting a college degree. He claimed that with all his military experience, he didn't need it. He got a rude awakening via some post retirement experiences. Long story short - he just finished his MBA.

There was a disconnect between how he & the USMC viewed his skills and how the civilian community viewed his skills.



Thinking this through more, I believe that none of us have the same view of ourselves as other people do on various aspects of "us." The trouble comes in when we desire certain outcomes and we aren't getting them - if we refuse to use introspection & take an honest look at things + make changes to our own behavior to achieve what we want.

So, OH - with what you said - are you going to Plan B at this point?

No..that's my problem right now. I have to resolve my job crisis first...either ensure where I am is stable/secure (as much as any job can be right now) and/or move on, before I can do anything like a plan B or a separation.

The problem is, I'm sinking further into withdrawal.

But he's not brining any money in at all right?

It would be much cheaper to live WITHOUT your millstone of a husband....than to live WITH HIM.

He is a huge abusive millstone around your neck.

It would be easier on the kids to NOT have him there.

Would you consider it's not a problem, it's a natural consequence?

LA

My point is that I do not see the connection (or the need) to fix the job sitch before asking him to get out since he is not bringing in any money.

In fact, if you ask him to get the heck out - he may have a job BEFORE your job sitch is fixed.

Not to speak FOR OH....I know she will come back and respond, but I can easily understand that the problem is emotional energy...it takes A LOT to get a man like that out of your life. All of her energy has to be focused on her job situation right now.

Close OH?

I sort of looked at it as a "relief"....one less burden. Also, was thinking that the shock & awe might make him snap out if "it"...but I am no expert.

Eventually it will be one less burden and a relief. Initially it will be even more drama and effort. OH's husband will not leave with a simple request. It will take a court order. I think.

Woah.