Is your wife on medication for her ADHD? I can tell you from experience, that she could be a whole different person with medication. If she isn't then it's not surprising that she doesn't get anything done during the day. It could also work wonders for her character.

Take care

Hi NLG,

How are you and are you still here?

I have been away from this site now for most of last several days, and took today to look at some recent posts, but I see just one from you over last week or so.

I hope your situation is improving as you hope as you work with your wife. I hope you do realize now that these guys here will be here no matter when you need them.

Best Regards,

Tom

Sorry I�ve fallen off the face of the earth the last few weeks�work and life has gotten a little crazy (not in a bad way, just insanely busy @ work for both me and W, mostly (and lots of soccer games!)).

Things continue to be fairly �status quo�, with the exception of some additional affection, I�d say � conversations very �superficial� at this point (as I promised myself a �moratorium� on �R� talk the last few weeks). Have also been trying to be more understanding during �that time of the month� this month (as she tends to get pretty testy, between the hormone/mood swings and cramps, etc.) � actually has been pretty good this time (no �walking on eggshells� this month).

Have also tried not to revert to old habits/behaviors (example: we were both tired Saturday night and she had assumed I�d stay up to make a brunch dish for the next day; told her we�d just do it the next morning (wasn�t a big deal, but typically in this situation I would �cave� and just do it with some pressure from her)�baby steps, I guess.

Can feel my resentment building a little bit, tho, as ended up cleaning the house for hours getting ready for this brunch (while she was working on Saturday, so can�t �blame� her for not helping much)�we both are still adjusting to her working all day on Saturdays while I have the kids all day (and then her being really tired on Saturday night/Sunday). Do need to get some time alone figured out at some point, as between me working all week and her on Saturday, we haven�t had any �alone� time in a while (have done a couple of lunches during the week, tho)�we are quite far away from getting the 15 hours/week (it�s actually fairly minimal the last few weeks, save for a little hang time after the kids are in bed).

Guess I�m still in a bit of a holding pattern, it feels like (think she�s still on the back end of her depression over the ending of the A and still really focused on the new job)�no additional OM contact (per the cell phone bill and the best I can tell via snooping) but still feeling a bit anxious at times (when she has had to go out a few times for work at night, etc., as among the things I found out while the A was on was that the guy came down here and they met up on a night she had a �work thing at night�, so that�s still in the back of my mind, I guess).

Guess the closest to a semblance of a �plan� is to start having lunch weekly and start reconnecting more, while she continues to focus on her new job (and me to be sure to take care of myself by getting out a little bit more with friends, which she has totally supported (and didn�t really in the past)). Also need to figure out how to get her to �try� more, as I feel like I�m still shouldering the load here.

Thanks, MBers.

NLG

Quick update � talked to W this morning about how things are going for me with us and my feeling that we are starting to �backslide� into some of our old patterns � not really talking about anything related to how we're feeling about things related to our M, not spending enough time together, etc.

I acknowledged that a lot of that has to do with us both being busy, transitioning to her working (which is pretty crazed and stressful for her), more kid activities, etc.

Also asked her to attend the next MC appointment with me as I�m realizing that, as I�m trying to figure out how this marriage can work for me, I�d rather go through this process with her as opposed to without her. Also said I won�t go back to how it was before and wanted to learn to understand each other better and how to meet each other�s needs.

She�s feeling that things are going �fine� and her new work stress is keeping her from really focusing on this stuff right now (which I kinda already knew) and that asking her to MC felt like �pressure� to her (to date, she had one individual session with our MC and I�ve been going myself the last few weeks).

She did also confirm that there�s been no contact with OM in about a month (but that she hasn�t thought about it much), and, as best as I can tell, can�t see any other contact that�s happened (but we haven�t dealt with/talked about the A at all in a while).

Hi NLG,

I appreciate your apprehensions in your situation. Let me tell you about mine briefly. Tonight I talked to Char. I told her I love her very much and she told me that she loved me too, even tho today our daughter did not call her, which she expected. She is in a nursing home, and for that reason, until we get that resolved to get her to assisted living we will have to live with being physically separeted. The only thing now standing in way is the financing. I just know now in my heart that she wants me exclusively and that is the only thing important. That is to me a beautiful feeling. I expressed to her tonight that my imperfections and she just told me "I know" and then she just simply told me that she "still loved me much".

NLG, I just offer you this from my experience. But, the 'fine' and the status quo doesn't cut it, and that will not give you and your wife a happy life, and more importantly, will not give your children a loving family in their lives.

The MB concepts and principles are sound. I followed them from what I read here, from reading and from what the much more experienced told me here as well as . For example, I think it was Turtle who told me that the gifts I wanted to give her back on Easter would be appreciated. They were. They were simple collages I made for her of our cats.

It takes a lot more than this tho, and for me that was only at start.

Imho, it takes passion for the One you love or once did. It takes approaching that woman, just taking her in your arms, brushing her hair, kissing her, lifting her up to you, telling her you love her, and yeah with that taking a risk with your heart.

God gave all of us a great gift, especially to men...it is called passion for the woman He gave to us. She is for us to champion, love, fret for, and of course to make love to. Of course if there are problems then MB Is the answer in terms what we are doing wrong, and yes if our wives are maybe so distracted they fall away. But, MB does not and cannot address the intimacy and exclusiveness and the passion that we should feel for our partner.

This being said NLG, I hope you stay, but in all honestly I do not hold much hope.

Best for you and your family,

Tom

Hi NLG,

Am taking a chance that you even want to hear from anyone on the MB site now, much less me, but anyway I wanted to ask how are you doing.

I will say that I am surprised that no one has asked about you lately, altho I understand that the veterans here seem to be pretty picky on who they deal with and that's their choice.

That being said, How Are you guys doing?

I'll just leave you with this. Have you two ever watched the "O.Henry's Full House" film? There is a segment called "Gift of The Magi". Why don't you rent or download it and the two of you watch it together.

All I can say, and of course it is not technical. Just a suggestion if you are still interested in your marriage.

Best to you,

Tom

Sorry, MBers, for falling off the face of the earth (especially you, Tom2010)!

Things have taken a dramatic turn for the better in the last month � my W�s �fog� seems to have lifted and she�s getting engaged in moving to fix our M (the NC with OM in place for about 2 months now).

Last Sunday, W gave me a �love you� card that read:

�I don�t think I can ever express well enough how much I love and appreciate you and all that you do for me. I do feel like I don�t deserve you sometimes, and know how lucky I am to have you as my partner. It feels like we are on the right track to being a happy couple again�I hope you feel the same way. You are the best! I love you.�

(This was after a weekend in which she had back-to-back work events and was almost overly appreciative in how I had helped her (by �stuffing� 500 vendor bags Saturday night and helping her load the car the night before, and had kids both days while she worked).

A day later, she was just out of the shower and I was on the way in and couldn�t help myself and �grabbed� her, which led to some (non-sexual but naked) fooling around (though she was a little uncomfortable and was worried the kids would be waking).

She�s seems to be �present� again, and really appreciating me and we are connecting physically (even ML this week, which I was surprised by!)�was a little awkward (but nice). The domestic duties are also much more even now, and dare to say we are having fun together.

I�m feeling good about where things seem to be heading (but not counting my chickens quite yet)�just realized I dropped off of posting for a while and thank everyone (especially Tom) for your input and feedback.

Will let you how it�s going�

Good news NLG. Keep up the good work. Be wary of setbacks, though. My FWW and I have had many 'good phases' like you're having now, only to fall back for no apparent reason. I'm not saying this will happen, but don't be surprised if there are setbacks along the way.

Glad to see so much progress. It's amazing how different WWs are when they're out of the fog, isn't it?

Thanks - was feeling as your recent posts have been, that my W wasn't "walking the walk/talking the talk"...know we still have a lot to deal with but am glad her behavior is now starting to change and she's realizing this isn't a one-way street, as it comes to needs.

For now, just trying to enjoy the ride, knowing we've probably got more bumps as we get to start to really know each other again...really appreciate your advice through this - am honestly amazed as where I (seem) to be right now - wouldn't have guessed it even a few months ago!

Hi NLG,

It is really good to hear from you and that your W seems to be responding and defogging. In all honestly tho, I think in terms of MB concepts and principles you have dodged a bullet -i.e., in not exposing and not being more proactive.

That said, I cannot be happier for you.

Just be cautious, as in 'not counting your chickens'. You know your W better than anyone in the world, so view her actions and not her words - i.e., the card she gave you.

I hope for the best for you two, and my prayers. But ya know what, do not try to go it alone. Post more here and ask the vets for advice along the way.

Best regards,

Tom

Thanks, Tom - am going to watch your stitch and am thinking of you...

Certainly have a long ways to go, but happy with where things are right now...agree I "dodged a bullet" (as far as I can tell) with this...does feel a little bit like a second honelymoon right now. (Lots of elephants in the room, though, and we do have to go back and revisit all of this before really being able to move forward together).

Surprised myself by not having any OM "flashbacks" the first time we ML...

Take care,
NLG

Are you still in a sexless marriage? That is one of the pillars of marriage that leads to the whole thing failing if it isn't there. It's something that really needs to be addressed.

Technically not anymore (as we had sex last week)...still in a pretty "ackward" phase, though, given how long it's been since we've been intimate (beyond hand holding, pecks goodnight, etc.)...

Know she knows it is important to me, but feeling a little bit like "guilt" sex right now (though it's not helping that I'm pretty anxious about it and get a little overexcited as things get physical)...going to take a while to get comfortable here and honestly not doing a good job of being patient lately!

Quick update here - talked with W last night about a trip she has scheduled to "ex-OM land" this weekend, to explain my anxiety when she travels (especially WHERE she's traveling) and my general feeling about things (and that I'm certainly not "over" any of this yet, but that my "triggers" are getting fewer and farther between as time passes, but that I don't want to just throw this under the rug as I think we'd end up in the same place in the future).

Feel more comfortable about her going now and really am convinced there are no plans to see OM (will be staying w/ friends and attending a big meeting there).

Also had lunch w/ W and afterward (when we were at home alone) tried to initiate some physical contact and ended up laying in bed talking about how we feel things are going but that the sexual stuff isn't really "back" yet for her (and my initiations make her stressed out - also get kinda nervous/needy when things get sexual, given how long we went without being physical (let alone sexual)).

My birthday is coming up at the end of the month and we talked about that being the next time we will experiment being sexual with each other, which may help me not be quite so obsessed about it. Also asked her to throw out some sleepwear that is a "trigger" for me (wasn't exactly lingerie, but was one of the "red flags" when I started piecing together that an A was happening).

As a typical "avoider", am happy I'm bringing some of this stuff up to the fore as I'm feeling healthier (and it's nice to see that she's making an effort now to make me feel safe/secure, which wasn't the case even a month ago).

Know I need to work more on us reconnecting non-sexually (which is going well), but now that the sexual "floodgates" have opened, is hard to put that back "in the box".