Hmnnn...

I think your husband feels sandbagged and manipulated. THAT is what is important in this e-mail.

He has enjoyed porn (with your approval) for a long time. Then you see an inappropriate text, and now notice a few new e-mails, and suddenly YOU are not using porn, and are asking him not to as well.

He undoubtedly feels like your actions are a way to get him to do what you suddenly want (stop viewing porn).

(Note: I take no issue with what you want, I just want you to understand where he is coming from).

Do NOT invite him to an MB weekend right now. He is feeling pressured and manipulated, and as if you are making demands. THis is not the time to invite him to go to the next level with you.

Re-read Mark1952's post. Everything there still applies.

I know you are trying to save your marriage. You are doing great. Be patient, take your time, don't try to attack all fronts at once. Keep watching to make sure there are no further inappropriate e-mails/texts, and just do what you know is right.

I would let the porn thing go, and not ask about the weekend.

Men (especially military men, though I would say all men share this) do NOT like to feel pushed, or "guided" or manipulated to an end point. If he is feeling that way, you need to back way way off and just do "the next right thing". Continue as you have been.

"CARRY ON!!" so to speak. (lol).

Yes. This is how both of our emails tend to look. LOL!


LOL!

Too late Telly. He called back and desperately wanted to "talk"... I tried to avoid but I couldn't. The "talk" led to the topic of the MB Weekend and I sent a copy of the agenda to him via email per his request. He wanted to make sure it wasn't "religious". He balked at the location and asked if there was anything closer or local. He also expresed concerns about the cost and about logisitcs re/ our child.

So...How do I back away from this mistake?

First: Say "Thank you". This Thank you is for addressing the issue. Its a Thank you for taking the time to to think about and consider what I was asking, and then coming back to you with a thoughtful response. (From his place, this is a VERY thoughtful response, and that what you want, conversation on these things

Second: I think we have come.. OK

Third: We have such.. Should be like this: We have had similar views on the use of porn in the past, I acknowledge that my views are changing, and I am interested in continuing to explore this with you."

Fourth: I am glad to your were... Good

Fifth: I think we can do more... I like OH Suggestion: "How would you feel..."

Sixth: I can ask...Drop this, your giving him an easy out objection. Address the issues that do come up, but be willing to have worked up the plan...

Seventh: New line: I know that this discussion about porn use sort of came up, (pun intended) And I enjoy viewing porn with YOU. And I enjoy being WITH YOU. Although my views on it are evolving, I want and need to be with YOU.

Eighth: New Line: Yesterday discussion was one of my first trys to start a new way of working on this marriage. I will remember from this that maybe you need to ponder something for a couple of days before responding....

L,

C.

LG

Oh, I don't know if it was a mistake.

Just take it like it is.

He initiated the talk, and you've put the weekend out there.

In my opinion, I don't think you should ask about it again for a while now, and see what he comes up with as he mulls all this over.

Chris:

I know you don't like me, but this kind os stuff is right up my alley. And I'm a guy. Don't take that as a DJ, ok?

Don't worry about talking to him about the MB Weekend, it was NOT a mistake. Its a great idea. HE is receptive.

And one last thing to address:

I believe that the Texting and the Porn use are two seperate things. And as a guy, they ARE. Since your H is in the military, and that is a guy centered a culture as you can get, there is always going to be rude texts and emails passed around. HE needs to address that. I get them all the time. Less so now, because I have told folks to just not forward that stuff to me. He needs to make that choice inthe future.

The Porn use CAN be addressed. It is ON the table right now. And I think your doing great. You can, over time, let him know WHY you have started to change your opinion on porn use.
Mark post addresses much of the issue of porn use in a marriage.

Its a long slide into a really bad place if the porn use escalates and the SF declines. Your doing the right thing by making the SF better. And telling HIM that it is.


LG

Telly Awesome.

At the end of the conversation I thanked him for sharing his thoughts with me in the email. We agreed that we're not going to talk about this tonight but we'll talk about it at a later time.

In the meantime I plan on being utterly irresistible...

LG,

I don't know you well enough to not like you. One disagreement (or several) doesn't translate into "dislike" for me.


What makes you say that? I'm asking because I had the "feeling" the time was right to mention it; however, I am not entirely certain I can point to what made me feel that way. With me - I like to back things up with "evidence" or facts whenever I can.



((raising hand))

Military veteran here: US Navy Hospital Corps.

Yes - the military is a highly sex-charged environment. I agree - he needs to address it & he knows he should but he feels backed into a corner. From my POV he isn't enforcing appropriate boundaries for the protection of our marriage and he is allowing his friend who is QUITE a) single and b) horny (b is due to a LOL!) disrespect ME and our marriage as well as the other wives and their marriages by sending NAKED or scantily clad pics of women to our husbands. Our husbands are responsible for protecting our marriages - as we are.



Check.

What bothers me most is your husband's self-justification of the stuff his friend sends him. Like he's just telling YOU to get over it, rather than actually having a conflict with another MAN (GASP!) about protecting his boundaries, especially his marriage. Like he'd rather fight with you about whether or not it's appropriate than to bring it up with this guy, who obviously holds a lot of power and sway over him. Sounds to me like he's insecure when it comes to conflict (except, of course, when it comes to his wife!).

And to add insult to injury, now that you're starting to set some boundaries (like he asked you to way back when by asking you to seek counseling) he's starting to feel insecure about having conflict with you too!

Mark,

Thanks for the info regarding porn & the suggestions.

A few things for clarity: I do not think my H is addicted to porn. I think he is looking at the "fredome" and "privacy" thing on this.

Our sex life has been great lately. I think it ("the greatness") started when I
a) found MB
and
b) learned from MB that my activities regarding porn / vibrators were not serving to enhance the part I played in SF for our M.

I am hoping that he will do the same because I think it can be even "greater" ...perhaps even mind-blowing.

I am not opposed to trying new things (especially now that I look forward to being sexual with my H) and I have a few ideas brewing.

You said it and I'm going to co-sign it because it was one of my first thoughts (DJ!)...Plus-I will add this: He doesn't want to tell his pal(s) to cease and desist because he (they'll) say he's pu$$ywhipped.

And to rub iodized salt into the would - when he gets spooked, he'll try to resort to old tactics such as bringin up the past (which he himself abhors).

But who's counting? He isn't perfect and neither am I.

I think I like this for my name. "Telly Awesome".

The post of the week award goes to Retread!


The difficult thing about this is - there's no way to say this without DJing In fact, this statement itself may be a DJ no matter how much I agree with it...

LOL!

Go for it!

Chris:

THis piece:
Four Years in the Air Force...

And then this:



The Time was "right" that is why you had the feeling. You came back from that convo to find a post saying that you shouldn't. So I am just letting you know that its cool that you did mention it, and not be worried about it. Its about fixing what wrong right?

Why do I think he is receptive? Because he didn't shut yoou down completely. So, you dropped the hint. That's cool.

We have two issues here, not one. The texting and Porn use.

The texting is about his boundaries. You can ask him to help you out by not accepting the following: "make your list, and run it by us, what you would consider offensive to you." Some of those forwarded texts could be golf jokes or military jokes, or stupid stuff. So much may be innocent. Ask. Try to get comfortable with what might be acceptable and he can have some idea what is unacceptable.

The porn use is also something that saps the life from the marriage. I would like to ask, since you recently installed the keylogger, to watch over a period of weeks how many minutes he actually logs in to porn sites. Seven minutes isn't much. However, you only have one or two days of data. Lets see what the longer period holds and what was going on before he started to surf it. (Exp: Argument w/Chris, into the computer he goes, and spends 3 hours surfing.....) That is the info needed to truly judge what needs to be addresses.

Both of these issues are tough ones. Texting is about being one of the guys, and in the loop, and doesn't seem that serious, because its mostly for the laugh... So, from his perspective, this isn't a husband/wife issue. Its a wife issue. How would you react, right now, if he told you you had to stop interacting with "Jane" your friend who you have known for a long time, but rubs him the wrong way? You may not want to give up the R right now, and be defensive about it. Your getting on board with MB, but he isn't there yet, and he can not yet see the utility of giving something up that doesn't directly affect you. He doesn't understand the link. But he will.


LG

Chris You picked up the important part right here:

In your H's mind there IS no co-relation between the cel phone and his marriage. That can come later, after he learns more about MB.

LG

Also, defining what is/isn't porn can sometimes be a gray area. My husband also gets all kinds of off-color jokes emailed to him. Some of them are direct links to just totally offensive stuff. They rarely direct him to an actual porn site, but the pictures....ugh. Yeah, he'll click through, then be done with the email. Never forwards them on (unless it has a political implication as well, and then sometimes he will) and usually deletes them when he's done.

To me, that's not an issue. But to someone else, it might be. It's very subjective.

Hi Chris, this is the part that I had thought was a DJ. I read it as you were saying his behavior was wrong. When I reread it, i see you were saying your behavior was wrong for you, that it's behavior that doesn't fit your beliefs anymore, so it's not a DJ, but I wanted to post it anyway, since you asked what I was referring to.