I have been thinking of answering these questions. As part of my healing process while our court date looms and separation is in full effect. Thanks Pep for giving me something to think about; some day I'll be in a healthy relationship, the preparatons for that have started with my exposure to MB concepts and good folks like you illustrating important points.
1. Did you want to end your A, but did not know how?
NO. It had only been going about a couple weeks. I wanted it to keep going, because I was finally having my need for SA (didn't know the term at the time) met. However, I was totally stressed and wouldn't have been able to keep it going much longer that was becoming obvious about the time we both decided to call it quits.

2. Did you fear that if you "dumped" OW, she would expose the A?
No, I didn�t care about being dumped. I wasn�t emotionally involved too much. It was all about something extra on the side for me. I was only afraid of having to explain the whole thing to my wife. I really wasn�t cognizant of the fact that it would hurt her. Way selfish. But the situation was compounded by her sexual dysfunction and a recent PA of hers; not that that justifies my actions. This woman was my supervisor � exposure would have hurt her more than me; possible sexual harassment suit, although I would never pursue that.
3. Did you hope OW would "dump" you?
NO, but she kinda did. I probably would have kept it going if she hadn't made the first move to end it.

4. Were you somehow relieved once the whole thing was out in the open?
There were only 2 people that knew about this for 8 years. Me and her. There were plenty of times when I was afraid I would accidentally expose the truth to my wife over that time. That, I see now, was yet another block to our intimacy. Ultimately, through �encouragement� of folks here I expose the whole thing on my own to family and the targets of exposure of my stbxw�s recent EA (I was a hypocrite if I didn�t, not to mention I had begun to have a whole new �appreciation� for the disgustingness of adultery).
Was I relieved? Having everyone close to me including in-laws, friends, and family, and my priest know what I did has been one of the most life changing experiences I�ve had. God is smiling at me now. And it�s also much easier to be honest; I have a new standard for the truth. Relief doesn�t begin to describe it.

Well, I hope that helps Pep, and others.
~opt

Not sure where you're headed with this, Pep, but in the cause of science, here goes:

1. Did you want to end your A, but did not know how?
Sometimes I wanted to end it (even talked with OW about this several times, and made one pathetically weak-willed try at cutting it off about halfway through), but at other times, ending it wasn't on my mind at all. Of course I knew how to end it. I just didn't act, because ultimately, back then, I wanted to save the cake & eat it too.

2. Did you fear that if you "dumped" OW, she would expose the A?
No, b/c OW was married too, and so theoretically, she had as much to lose as I did.

3. Did you hope OW would "dump" you?
I can say that at times I'd wished she'd dump me. ("Hope" is too strong a word, since she was way too wrapped up in me from an emotional standpoint, and hadn't given me any indication or reason to hope that she'd end it on her own.)

4. Were you somehow relieved once the whole thing was out in the open?
Somehow, yes. Living a deceitful existence is pretty darned stressful. Living in opposition to what you've always professed is pretty darned stressful. Looking your lifelong best friend in the eye and telling her without blinking that you were somewhere you weren't, doing something you weren't, is pretty darned stressful.

I don't know how much this applys Pep.

When I left mt wife because of alcohol after two years my plan was to stay single forever. I did not get a divorce but I was so much more happy and was positive that we would both be better off separated and my plan was to get the kids as soon as I could. I had enough and was dead seriuos we would never get back together.


7 months after my separation I got involved with what was supposed to be a one night stand, reclaimation of my sex drive and something to make me feel human all in one. It was the only other woman I ever slept with since I got married to my second wife. I was not yet divorced, so it was an affair.

Well it turned into some kind of Fatal Atraction thing where she kept coming to my house and even once attempted suicide. Agian how did it get that way? how do I pick them? Eventually her Therapist helped her to dump me after 7 months of back and forth dramatic crap that left me even more confused than before. 9 months later I decided to move back with my wife who had stayed sober for 2 years. Originally I told the OW I was not going to get into a committed relationship and she was crazy to want one with me. I just should have never called but she knew my friends.




Ok to answer your questions Yes to all except #2 because I didn't care if she knew. She did find out but I didn't care because I was gone and she was gonna have to tell it to John Daniels or whomever she trusted now. I encouraged her to find someone who she respected and trusted because it was painfully obviuos it wasn't me. Not as long as she self abused herself, I couldn't live watching her kill herself with drink. It was killing me too.

As most stupid Men that get themselves into these situations I wanted to get out of the affiar the easy way and "no hard feelings" cuz it was supposed to just be free sex right? What a fool.

By the time it was over I had learned my lesson bigtime. I realized even if I struggled with my wife for the rest of my life my children needed thier Dad. I took it upon myself again to make the best of the situation and in time we had some recovery but not the marriage I dreamed I would be in or worked for. But our children did much better than if I had stayed away because I didn't want to feel pain of rejection from my emotionally damaged wife. I was 29 years old with a lot of time ahead of me to work and provide for my Family and because love is an action I was up for it. I am very glad I went home despite the whining you here from me about how things made me feel or how it turned out.

Lol I agree totally Pep

If you can whip up a good fake sneeze and do a little hacking and coughing, you can get all kinds of space.

Pep,

OT question.....I need you "Nursing Expertise" experience....

When a patient comes in sick, does it seem as if the patient is more "believably" sick when they look it???....

For example, if I were to go in with sweats on, no make-up, and basically "un-Goddessy", vs. all done up, with make-up, perfect hair-do, and all "Goddessy", do the health professionals tend to think your more sick than what you are saying???....

Thanks in advance for your assistance.....

I hope you are feeling much much better today!!!!!

not2fun

Yes He is Opt......I had "forgotten" you were a FWH.... ....


Yes, it is MUCH easier (most of the time!!!!.... ) to be honest. At least it is easier to look in the mirror......

Thank you for this response......I'm very proud of your growth....

not2fun

Well, I hope that helps Pep, and others.
~opt [/quote]

Maybe it's too early for me to answer since some of you know that I am early in my situation...

1. Did you want to end your A, but did not know how?

Yes

2. Did you fear that if you "dumped" OW, she would expose the A?

Yes

3. Did you hope OW would "dump" you?

Yes, tried very hard to show her so much disrespect that she would go, it didn't work.

4. Were you somehow relieved once the whole thing was out in the open?

Yes, I am relieved that I don't have anything to hide and am very optimistic about the future

If you wouldn't mind answering some questions:
Answers about my online flirting with unknown OMs (technically a EA - getting ENs met - who wasnt important - just getting my ego stroked)
1. Did you want to end your A, but did not know how? I knew it was wrong...I knew I had to stop, like drinking I would stop for months at a time then go back to it.

2. Did you fear that if you "dumped" OW, she would expose the A? I worried one of the OMS would somehow find out who I was and tell my H...but not enough to stop - much like drug use.

3. Did you hope OW would "dump" you? There wasnt a particular OM...just yahoo chat rooms waiting for me to log on and get an attention high.

4. Were you somehow relieved once the whole thing was out in the open? Once I could see that the Attention men online gave me was false...and my BH was real...yes...relieved.

Answers about ONS

1. Did you want to end your A, but did not know how?
Doesnt apply to me - I sobered up, bruised and hurt and wanted to step infront of a bus (tried twice that morning..a stranger pulled me back up on sidewalk).

2. Did you fear that if you "dumped" OW, she would expose the A?
I was afraid if I didnt tell BH he would find out on his own...that would be worse.

3. Did you hope OW would "dump" you?
I hoped the OM and friends airplane would plow into the earth on flight home to where ever he lives

4. Were you somehow relieved once the whole thing was out in the open? No and yes...yes I didnt have to fear what he would find out anymore, no - it ruined us. Only now am I starting to feel like a different us might emerge from the wreckage...but maybe a good us.

Interesting.

For a look at the other side of the coin � FWW�s answers about a year after DDay 2 of the VLTA (she would not answer anything at all about her adultery before that, and very little since too):

1. �No, I wanted it to go on for ever. I liked it. Really. We both did. �

2. �No, he was not ever going to say anything to anyone. He never had before during any of our several temporary breakups.�

3. �No. We felt we would be able to go on like we were for the rest of our lives, and we both expected to do just that.�

Not a WH but a WW. Not a 2 year or less garden variety MB affair, but a 10 year-long continuous adultery. But do those answers indicate any kind of MB style recovery prognosis to anyone?

I sure wish I knew then what I know now -some, I think almost all actually, adulterers will commit adultery whenever they have a chance to even if their spouse is meeting all their ENs, all the time. It is simply who they are.

As far as what her answers might be today, no one cares any longer�

only fogged adulterers will do it again any time any place...I am a FWW - i would rather live the rest of my life with umet ENs...live the rest of my life minus a limb or two before I will EVER expose my BH, my children or myself to that kinda of Horror, degredation, disrespect, and frankly FEAR.

ANY mother who can cause that kind of fear in their childs face and then go out and do it again should be strapped down and have her ovaries removed...she doesnt deserve the right to be a mother...

Any WOMEN who can cause her bh to have the look of sickness pain and hurt that crossed my BHs face when I told him is a callous and horrible person.

Its one thing to actually believe your own lies that it wont hurt anyone and your just having fun. Its another thing once you SEE the impact of your actions to do it again.

Sew me up, slap a chsty belt on me...I would rather forgo SF all together than ever cause that kind of pain in another person...ever.

and I dont know you from adam and dont care what you think about me. So you know I am not blowing smoke up your woo hoo...

A truly FOREMER WW or WH may hate adultry even more the a BS...because we felt the poisen in our veins, have detoxed and never want to taste that bile again.

Aph probably was talking about the psyho he had to deal with. They are out there.

Anyone here I wouldn't think would be included in that generalization.

But he said it and can answer for himself.


(WOO-BOY you stepped in it)


If its any consolation there is a link APH about the type you were involved with. I saw a lot of my late wife in it

http://gettinbetter.com/anycost.html

She has a lot of good info there