Markos, both you and your wife give me a lot of hope for my marriage. Not that you others DON'T . . . . it's just that you are a lot closer to the stage that I'm in right now, and it's nice to know that things CAN turn around and actually do so in less time than, say, two years

I am glad you keep posting and sharing your struggles and victories.

Markos,

Something I dug up for you that I think you might like to look at.

MB concepts in scripture by:NSR

First posted 2000, this thread can't be bumped anymore. It is however listed in the Notable Posts list. Be sure to follow all the links. I am not sure if they all work, though the ones I tried all did. It's been a while since I read this thread and I'll have to read it again I'm sure to be certain that I agree with all it has to say, but it gives you a starting place.

Mark

Thanks, Mark! I'll be looking through that!

And I can handle it if you don't agree with it all.

Markos, I'd been wanting to ask you. Are you and your wife Christian? I can't remember.

If you are, are you two praying together? I've found that my relationship with DH is VASTLY better when we take the time to read scripture and pray together. It brings the Lord into our marriage as an active participant - and we need that.

I've recently had some struggles with my spiritual relationship with the Lord, but DH still had us pray together. Mostly it was him praying me listening, but as he kept up with it my heart has been softening. (Again, it's been slow and steady - he kept at it for over a year before I felt any change in myself)

Also, I would recommend doing individual scripture reading and prayer.

If you're not Christian I would find some way to connect Spiritually with your wife.

We are Christian. We aren't currently reading the Bible together or praying together.

I would encourage you to do so. The affect it has on my marriage is almost palpable. It will provide insight into your wife and your wife for you - to listen to what the other prays for. It may be tough at first but the benefits will be immeasurable.

Sent out an email a little while ago to several members of our families and to several trusted people from church asking for people to help us find places for our kids to stay so we can go to Marriage Builders weekend.

I wrote the email and my wife approved the wording. She approved the list of recipients.

Friday my wife was in love with me. But we missed our time together Saturday and Sunday morning, only had a little time together Saturday night, and by Sunday night she didn't want to be with me.

This is so painful.

I told her last night that her account in my love bank is empty. I feel so frustrated because she is not meeting my emotional needs. I know that two weeks ago she started on a plan to meet my emotional needs: she started calling me at work and was doing all kinds of things. But the day I tried to call her, and things didn't work out well, that plan seems to have stopped.

Seriously Markos, did you seriously say that to her? I really hope someone comes along and disagrees with me but buddy I have to say that you are your marriages worst enemy. It's like you can't hold back and just have to say whatever it is that's on your mind without processing it, forming it, or even trying to communicate it in a pallatable way.

She started executing her plan to meet your needs and what happened right out of the gate? You shot her down because it wasn't convienent. That was a set back and now your whining because she ain't all about it. What is she suppose to do Markos? Give her a dang chance to figure that out because last time when she tried to do something to show you her love you shot her down. She has to recover from the perceived rejection.

She'll recover and come up with a new plan, I'm confident of that. Your job is to be open to it when she comes back at you and not shoot her down. In the mean time and ALL the dang time, KEEP YOUR FOCUS ON YOU. I've told you that from the beginning. People with full love banks tend to make deposits in their lovers bank, guess what, her love bank ain't full either. Fill the dang thing, if you want the results you have to do the work. Fill her love bank, exercise some dayum patience for her to come to you, do not freaking call her out EARLY in this recovery when you know good and well that she was trying.

Markos, this is another step back. Again, she is going to need time to process and decide how to go forward. Your mission, you're only mission, is to fill her love bank, DO NOT LOVE BUST, and continue to work on communication (and part of communication is knowing when to 'be still'). So knowing all of that, reorganize your plan to fill her love bank up over the next however long speaking in her language............

Markos, you're trying to run before you can walk and you're falling right on your face. You've done a GREAT job getting your wife on board but it seems like you think you've done the hard part and you want the puppy-dog love NOW.

Coaxing her out of withdrawal wasn't the hard part. Look back at the 3 stages of marriage. The stage after withdrawal isn't intimacy, it's conflict. THAT, my friend, is right where you are. Things are SO fragile right now because you can go back to withdrawal in a heart beat and from your past few actions, your wife is thinking of buying a ticket on the train to withdrawal and you're the conductor.

The hard part begins NOW. You are going to have to learn HOW to communicate with your wife and keep your love banks intact. It is difficult. DH and I are STILL figuring this out. You're gonna have to push through the Conflict phase and it is gonna beat you down but you can get through it.

You have to give WITHOUT any expectation of reciprocity. You have a bad day - well tomorrow is a whole new chance to make it better. I know your love bank is pretty low, but you gotta keep trucking. The payoff will be worth it. Wake up that next morning and let your wife know yesterday was a bad day and commit to make today better. Each day is a blank slate. You can CHOOSE to hold on to the previous day's negativity, or you can CHOOSE to work to get Prisca fall in love with you that day.

Ever see the movie 50 First Dates? Adam Sandler gets Drew Barrymore to fall in love with him every day. And on the day's she freaks out - beats him up- ignores him, whatever, he's there the very next day to try again. That needs to be you Markos.

Prisca is WORKING. We all see her trying. But it's hard. YOU can make it easier. Telling her all the effort she's making is worth nothing - buddy that ain't it.

I am listening to you, but one of the things I have been hearing here is that through Marriage Builders we can develop a shared vocabulary and tell each other, with openness and honesty, how the other is making us feel. Have I been misunderstanding? I was under the impression that putting it in Marriage Builders terminology like this was a good way to go to avoid misunderstandings and love busters.

This is why I am so upset. I simply don't believe she's working. For example, Sunday I told her how much I was looking forward to our time together. She acted enthusiastic, too. She entertained the oldest son while I put everybody to bed. Then I put the oldest son to bed and said "So, what do you want to do?" No response. At all. "So would you like to ... ?" No response. Three or four suggestions. Nothing at all.

What happened? What did I do in those few minutes that took her from enthusiastic about spending time together to wishing she was away from me?

I finally pulled out a board game which we played silently. Then we sang together and then showered together, silently. (Sorry, TMI, I know.) I asked her to touch me, affectionately, not sexually, and she refused. I felt completely rejected, and we went to bed.

I know there was some sort of a plan she had for me, and I know that it went away about two weeks ago. I don't think there is a plan now. If there is, I can't see that it includes any affection for me.

I don't think she's trying; I think she's deciding whether or not she wants to try again.

I'm sure I'm not helping that.

But what do I do about being completely MISERABLE?

And what do I do in the heat of the moment when I sit down and try to talk to her and she doesn't want to say or do anything?

I don't honestly know how to make today better. She spent all day yesterday rejecting everything I did as part of my plan. Among other things, I keep calling, and she keeps not answering the phone. I guess that's part of my despair.

Of course, I know the truth: the love bank balance is back way below the romantic love threshold, so every deposit I make only counts for a very little. If I keep making deposits, eventually they will accumulate past the threshold, and it will be much easier.

But I can't figure out how my account got back down there.

Markos just realized a lot making those last few posts, and now he is shutting up...

Everything after the "but" is hogwash so I deleted it..... And if fact, since you put in the but that typically discounts what is before the but, so are you really listening? Yes you have been misunderstanding and Vibrissa did a wonderful job in her last post about pointing it out. When you're marriage reaches a point of INTIMACY there will be plenty of opportunity to develop those languages and all that good stuff. Problem being now is you ain't there yet son. Further, in a state of intimacy your language will change and things won't be said as harsh nor will they be taken as harsh BUT again you ain't there yet.

And truly here do you think there was a misunderstanding? I mean seriously, was it not apparant to her that obviously Markos' love bank is not full and obviously life ain't a box of roses, I mean seriously, c'mon man. That's like telling your wife that her butt looks big in those pants without her even asking...... Big withdrawal.....

I see your wife trying and wafering betwixt conflict and withdrawal. Withdrawal if comfortable & reliable because she had been there a while and conflict is painful and scary. So she sticks her neck out to check out this whole conflict phase and your job is to not chop it off. You did that once don't do it again. Lead her through conflict to intimacy BY FILLING HER LOVE BANK, ELIMINATING ALL LOVE BUSTERS, and continuing to work on YOUR COMMUNICATION/LISTENING. FOcus on your actions, not hers. Focus on your words, not hers. Focus on you. You become the most loving, patient, attentive husband you can possible be and what are her choices? Her choice at that point is made for her because she'll find herself smack dab in the middle on intimacy without fear of stepping out and getting her head chopped off......

There we go... I knew somebody had said they thought this was a good idea.

So, two opinions on this subject. Which one is Marriage Builders?

Okay. I see this. Going back to this as my policy.

Okay, folks, what do I do? She emailed me to say "Please do not call me today."