LG,
I am totally following your line of thinking and I was actually thinking those same things myself:

>The texting does appear to be about being one of the guys. Check
>The porn needs to be assessed over a period of time. Check
>My H isn't actively learning MB, but he will and at that point he'll be able to understand some of the points about protecting our marriage / boundaries, privacy versus secrecy, etc. Check



OH,
I agree with you when you say that certain things could or could not be considered porn depending on a person's POV.

And Mark, thanks for your post. I'd always thought guys went to porn because they didn't want to be bothered with a two-sided interaction with another person with wishes and desires, too, so I'm relieved to see that there are other reasons, too, that aren't as bad as the one I thought.

Yeah that LOL!

I think for my husband, because it started at such a young age, it was totally about the brain reaction. He was exposed to sex (live, not just porn) at an early age because his dad was an unapologetic serial cheater/sex addict and kept it hidden from his wife for years, until my husband was either in-utero or an infant. Then they were in all kinds of counseling to try to fix the marriage before she finally left him. When he had visitation on weekends, he would take my husband (then a little kid) to multiple women's houses while he sat and watched TV and he did his "thing./ It was really sick.

Add all the guilt, and neglect, from his mom, and it's a very interesting mix. I feel very sorry for my husband sometimes, which is probably why I have tolerated things I wouldn't have tolerated from anyone else. Which means I need to fix that. Because he's not a kid anymore, and has proven himself capable of rising above in many other ways.

My H and I had our UA time for the evening. At first he was tense but after a few minutes he losened up. I was bound and determined to show him that the unresolved conflict regarding the texts & porn were not going to translate into me pulling away from him. I made extra eye contact, did lots of mirroring, and I spinkled in some affection and sexual innuendo for good measure.

This new "us" is a little weird - but it's wierd in a good way. I realize that he is in disbelief that I am determined to change my side of things and I am in disbelief that he could really and truly be responding to my changes and trying to change his side of things as well. We are probably both in disbelief that this new "us" could really and truly be "us."

I feel so much more at ease being emotionally honest! Even if a particular issue or conflict doesn't turn out exactly the way I want, I am still able to be frank about my feelings (as long as I don't do it with SD, DJ, or AO) and that is such a relief. I cannot believe what an IDIOT I was with the emotional dishonesty before - for YEARS. Why the heck did I carry those heavy, lumpy bags?! I am going to continue this because it's just better.

I feel free.

I can convey what I like, what I dislike, what I appreciate, what I feel uncomfortable, sad, or angry about and leave it at that. I can be myself.

I guess I did it because I was afraid or tying to keep the peace or trying to like things that people expected me to like. To heck with that. This is better.

Yay

I'm just catching up on your progress.

Good job.

I'd say the porn issue will really come into negotiations WAY down the line. It's good you've brought it up as an issue but in Plan A (which you are essentially doing) hammering this stuff out isn't necessary.

Much later...after he's gotten on board (crossing my fingers) and learned POJA you will be assigned with POJA'ing small (very small) issues like grocery shopping. Bigger issues (like porn, friends, texts, etc) will be perhaps put on a list of issues to POJA as you both become more experienced and TRUSTING of one another.

I also wanted to remind you again...as you take these leaps forward to EXPECT pull backs from your husband. One day out of nowhere he may test your changes. He'll accuse you of being fake or discard the "program" as too cultish or religious or just be a general [censored]. I warn you to stick to your plan and keep that "taker" at bay. If your expectations of progress are too high you'll find yourself overreacting and lovebusting in return. Don't get caught off-guard...soldier (I guessed you were military too from post 1).

Mr. W

p.s.- When your husband asked if MB was religious that MAY have been a perfect opportunity to tell him that it's actually more milataristic. Basic Training is a great example of INTENSE behavior modification using a regimentary training method which takes an individual and molds him into a cog in a larger machine (the US Military). MB does the same exact thing for marriage. It takes each individual spouse and gives them a strict outline of behaviors to apply over a period of time. The "individual" may not particularly like doing all the excercises and behaviors at the time but after many months the results are clearly distinguishable and exemplary...you'll BOTH have an extraordinary machine/marriage and the pride that comes with that accomplishment will feel the same as pride you felt on graduation day. MB does that too...it molds individual into a marital team. Contrast that with OTHER marital therapies which seem to focus primarily on teaching spouses how to resolve conflict because they think couples divorce merely because they fight. They rely on hope (and sometimes religious prayer) that if couple can learn to fight/argue constructively....they will AVOID divorce. What good is that...if they still don't love each other...peaceful coexistence??? How empty.

Thanks Mr W.!

& yes - I am ex-Navy

Another update:

Last night - lots of cuddling despite the unresolved text & porn issues.

I understand that there will be setbacks, mistakes, and bumps + my H may react badly sometimes (or I may slip up & act out) as Mr. Wondering warned; however, I must say - it's amazing how our actions / reactions can really make a difference in our intimate relationships. In the past my H would have continued to sulk & withhold because of an unresolved issue. I worked at showing him that I would no longer participate in that past of our old dance & he followed suit.

Tuesday night I got some bad family news. My H responded as usual with "solution" type statements and wanting to make definite plans to fly out to my family immediately. He also said I should not look up my family member's condition on the Internet because it would just upset me more. Of course that's exactly what I wanted to do (He knows me too well.) Anyway - These responses from him usually seem to upset me more. With my new frame of mind, I was thinking that maybe he does this because he doesn't know what else to say and he wants me to not feel badly...so he goes into "solution" and "calm down" mode. I didn't ask him why he responds this way though. Instead I decided to ask for what I thought I needed: A hug.

After that I felt better and it looked like he did too. Then we let the conversation go.

He called me at work a few times on Wednesday to check how I was feeling about the situation, whether I had spoken with any of my family members since we got the news and also to see if I had decided about the trip. He said he got Friday off so he would be able to drive me to see my family.

We're leaving tonight.

Last night, our UA time included sitting on the sofa & listening to music: 80s, Country, Soul, Classics. I turned on some Reggae, got up and offered to do a little dance for my H. He sat forward & his eyes lit up LOL! In the end we had to laugh - I wasn't able to do gyrate properly because of my air cast. I promised him that when the cast comes off, I'll dress up in something "interesting" and do a dance for him.

We're here & we saw our family member in the hospital. She's doing well, thank heavens.

Managed to get some UA time in although we're staying with SEVERAL people in a condo - we had a little privacy in the bedroom

Anyway - I forgot to mention that I got an answer to one of my questions from earlier: What if I slip up - what if I can't put on my MB face one day & I am feeling absolutely bitchy? What will my H do?

Here's what he did: noticed my "mood" and tried to comfort me.

This has happened a few times now.

As Mr W warned, I will expect that he'll have moments where he reverts to the old ways (I can certainly understand the temptation); however, this gives me hope about what kind of marriage is possible for us.

Thanks for the update

This week's snoop report:

So far the cell phone records are revealing no activity as far as an OW.

What I do see is that the picture messages from the male friend with dirty jokes, etc still continue.

The EBlaster is revealing a little less than 10 minutes of porn a few nights a week. No inappropriate emails or anything like that.

Some over @ SAA will say he may have taken his "affair" deeper underground; however, I really don't sense or see anything. Still snooping...

So...the MB Weekend is costly (with the airfare & lodging) plus our child would need to miss a day of school and we'd have to drive to NC to leave him with his grand parents, then fly to MN...then do the whole thing in reverse afterwards.

With that in mind we decided to register for the MB Online Program. This is where you view a MB Weekend Program presentation in your home, get an accountability coach assigned to you, and have access to the private forums.

When I spoke with the young lady who answers questions about the Online Program, she stated that we should do the EN and LB quizzes as part of the Online Program so we'll have guidance and direction for using them to help us.

We are now registered Woo hoo!

Congratulations!

Question:

My H made the big "I wanna D" speech in Feb, it's April now and we've done a total 360 as a couple. I recall him flatly refusing to speak to Dr SH and now we're registered for the Program and he was on the phone with our Accountability Coach this past Friday.

I can't help but wonder...Are these results typical for working the MB Program? Am I dreaming?

I still feel a little weird and strange. Readin over this thread, I feel like I don't even know the person who was posting and the H she was describing.

No, your NOT dreaming, this MB Stuff is that good.....

LG

Thanks, my question is - Are these results typical?

Also, once people have access to the private area where they can communicate with Dr H directly do they usually abandon the public forum?

Chris, I didn't realize it was working out so well for you, yet. This is awesome!!! Congratulations!