Markos,

I guess the temptation is to use our individual threads to solve "problems"...(At least that's what I notice. We all seem tobe willing to discuss our problems in detail.) But, I have definitley shared some good news in trying to encourage a few other people here in the MB101 forum

I am feeling anxious because from this end of the tunnel, it all seemed to happen so fast and because this is a new "us"...I'll tell you what though - While I was initially working the plan every day of pain seemed l-o-n-g long LOL!

My H and I still have differences of opinion, but the discussions about those differences are respectful & when one of us seems to be veering off course the other person stops and says "Hey... are you getting frustrated? Let's talk it over." or "Why don't we talk about this a little later?"

Two points of contention for me are (still) the sexual jokes from the friend and the porn viewing, but I recall what Mr W & Mark said about that, so I've tabled it for later. I plan on taking the opportunity to talk to our MB Accountability Coach & Dr H about these things asap when the time is right.

We're going to be logging into the online Program area to view the Weekend Seminar on Friday & Saturday.

Speaking of that - May is around the corner & you / Prisca will be headed to Seminar too!

Well...I've heard these things do really well in Nova Scotia.

Just kidding. Sometimes you get two personalities that BOTH want a good marriage but had NO IDEA how to achieve it. They are both good people and when they meet up with a logical plan that makes sense and BOTH such people have had regimental military training and have SEEN, firsthand, the results of such behavioral training upon themselves and those around them... I think it's likely to happen.

I also think you are both satisfied with even minimal results thus far and that's great too. I only gets BETTER as your lovebanks continue to grow. It really is great and you are seeing why we espouse it so much here on this forum. I'm certain, you, just like me, my wife and a zillion other people that have passed through here over time thought we were some kind of MB or Harley cult. Wait a year or so...and you'll "believe" too...lol



There isn't really any discussion over there. You ask Dr. Harley specific questions and he responds directly to that post regarding that specific topic you and your husband may be struggling with. You will likely rely on the experience coaches more often than not...and each other as YOU TWO will learn the jargon and become the experts applying the concepts to YOUR marriage. There are few, if any, long threads and absolutely no chit-chat. I can't recall anyone that's gone to the weekend that left posting over here thereafter but then, how would I know, it's not like many people announce when they are leaving.

Mr. W

This would be us (both of us have been trained by and served in the military)...and although it didn't occur to me to consider that, what you said makes complete sense to me. I guess in our case (and contrary to what was said by some people over in the Military Forum) being military was actually an asset!



See that's the thing: The results are no longer "minimal"...To give you an example: When we visited my family a few weekends ago, my mom (who was aware of the earlier situation) was amazed and she asked what we had done.


Already there Mr W.



Yes, our Accountability Coach explained that to me yesterday after I had already posted this question. Questions and Answers.

I get the sense that this part of the site is for people who, for whatever reason, are not willing or not able to purchase MB Coaching Services or the Seminar...so we use the free material on the site, we read the books, discuss things here, and we try to work the program that way. This part of the forum is great in many ways, and I have received a lot of much needed help and support here. The thing is...In some ways I feel like I've learned almost all I can from the discussions. I am looking forward to participating in the book thread that Soolee started, but the only questions I have left are ones which are matters for debate here:

*Is SF really and truly a "special" EN? (which we all debated in the thread about SF)
*What is Dr. H's opinion of / experience with CBT?
*Does Dr H really advocate meds and no therapy for Depression?(from the recent IC thread)

Sometimes it's important to "give back" and folks like you & Mrs. W who have things worked out and come here to help other people are admirable. I would feel good about being able to continue to do that in whatever capacity I can (For example, I really got into Smileygirl's situation & found myself very concerned for her. Really enjoyed seeing her strength and progress); however, I have not had an entirely positive experience doing that and one thing which I have not enjoyed is that some folks here seem to have more of a "voice" than others...when we're all just peers. And, if you find yourself disagreeing with certain people here, you'll end up in trouble. A few people warned me about that privately... but of course I didn't really believe it. Now I do. Honestly - I feel it's really really blatant. So, that part is toxic for me.

Anyway, I'm glad that I will have the opportunity to ask questions directly of Dr. H and I expect that I may actually find myself using the public forum less and less because I may not need it.

My solution...

Never disagree with anyone.

Works for me.

(I'm kidding...in case you didn't know I had a contentious few weeks here)

Mr. W

p.s. - what does actually work for me is NOT CARING about getting the last word. It's overrated. I'm also willing to be wrong AND I don't have to change my adversaries opinion...they are entitled to their wrong opinion.

p.p.s. - word

oh yeah...meant to say also...

I hope in two years you and your husband look back on your post above saying things are awesome and LAUGH as you realize just how much awesomer they have become.

I look at MB like practicing medicine. You become an MB practitioner. There really isn't perfection...just a ever-fluctuating love-bank that you make withdrawals in and avoid deposits. As you "practice" you get better...but you are still going to make a lot of mistakes over time. It's how you respond to those mistakes and setbacks that's the difference between a bad day, week, month or even year and a dead marriage AGAIN.

MB isn't a band-aid it's a life choice which is why I stay around here.

Never stop practicing.

Mr. W

p.s. - last word...again

LOL! Okey doke

Crhis, sorry to hear you're taking a break, but I trust your judgment. I hope you and think come by to update us on your successes

Chris, with all due respect, be treated like what, exactly? It seems like you get very emotional whenever someone disagrees with you, you threaten to leave the board, etc.

Thinkitthru told you a couple of days ago she felt like you weren't fully listening to what people were telling you. I'm not sure what you heard in the post you were replying to, but I'm not sure why you felt it was ill treatment. Think suggested more active listening and making sure you confirmed what you were hearing before replying. When it gets to the point where it seems like everyone is upsetting you, maybe it is time to ask if maybe you do need to change something about the way you listen and respond in conversation.

We hope you'll come back soon.

{{{ Chris }}}

Some of us understand. Just stop looking behind the curtain, Dorothy.

Forget it. Editing isn't working well this AM!

You know exactly what I was referring to because you got it from the thread which shows exactly what happened.


Markos, I have never said I was leaving the forum until this incident. And, although you said "with all due respect" you are not respecting me at all. You're criticizing me as a person....I guarantee you that I'd be editted for doing that to you. AND, to add insult to injury, you dragged that comment into this thread of my story... WHY? It's NOT relevent to my story.

Also, everyone here working on their marriages = HIGHLY emotional...but you say I seem to get very emotional whenever someone disagrees with me. What I see here is mostly a helpful & caring bunch of people holding hands and stepping into the light together...What I also see is a few people here preaching at other people, using (baltantly) Strawman arguments, posting and re-posting things which don't even address the question, speaking to people in condescending tones...and then when their target adresses the Strawman and calls it what it is, they get "editted" while the instigator doesn't.


Markos, you are guilty of the same behavior. It took someone two to three pages of posts to help you with the last incident between you & Prisca...two pages of saying the same things to you. Point is Markos - None of us are perfect ...we could all hone our listening skills - especially those of us who are prone to AO.


So...what you're saying here is: You're not sure what I heard and you're not sure why I felt it was ill treatment?

Markos, I felt I was recomending a book just as other people here have done. The moderators felt I was doing something else entirely. Go back to the thread and pretend that instead of me posting about the book, it was Mark1952 or someone else who you are fond of (or respect) and then tell me how you feel about what happened.

Better yet, since you are not a moderator, how about leaving things where they were? The mods editted the thread as they saw fit. THE END.



It seems like everyone is upsetting me? Think for a minute Markos. Is that really true? Is it "everyone" or is it the same person (or persons) surrounding certain issues and certain types of responses?

It may interest you to know that I am familiar with gaslighting (thanks to MB) and no amount of multiparty posting or dogpiling is going to make me question my own eyes and ears & perceptions. Fact is - There are people here who are extremely preachy and behave as if they ARE Dr. Harley (yes!)....They behave as if no one else can read those newsetters or the info on the site and interpret them. At times, rather than responding to what's being asked or stated, they misrepresent what is being asked or stated and then respond to that. This shuts down real communication & makes certain aspects of this place seem positively cultish. It also creates fear. For example, I wonder whether this post will be editted or if I'll be denied entry to the forum for posting my opinion about this dynamic that I see.

That's an untrue statement. There are people here who I know for a fact hope I leave and never return because of my tendency to look behind the curtain.

Hi everyone,

Just an update.

Based on the surveys we completed during the Seminar, Dr H & our Coach decided to start us off with the Lovebusters Lessons (rather than the Emotional Needs Lessons).

So far we've completed Lovebusters
+Lesson 1 / Basic Concepts
+Lesson 2 / What is Marital Abuse?
and
+Lesson 3 / Selfish Demands

And for this week we're on Lesson 4 / Disrespectful Judgements.

What we do is read the assigned chapter in Lovebusters all throughout the week, listen to the audio lesson on our CDs (I listen in the car or while exercising), and then we have time set aside on Sunday @ 3 per Dr H's recommendation to work ont he Lesson together - We discuss the Key Principles & Questions at the end of the assigned reading plus complete any relevent worksheets. We also have to make up our UA schedule for the coming week.

At first it was odd, but now it's something I look forward to.

For anyone on the fence about doing this program with their spouse - Please jump in. It's 100% worth it. If you take a gander @ this thread you can see how far we've come. One of us (or both of us..if I'm being truthful) wanted a divorce THREE months ago.

My H was initially the "Reluctant Spouse", now he is the eager spouse LOL! This isn't to say that we're perfect at this point... nowhere near it. I still have my issues to work on and he has his. For example, My H can be a total and complete a$$ at times and I am sure he can say the same about me. What I am saying is that if both spouses are motivated and willing to try, this can help you get closer and closer to the kind of marriage you really hope to have.

Your husband may be an A$$ at times, but do you love his A$$? That is the question

Good to hear from you!

Glad to be back Think.

Honesty: The deposits have not hit the romantic love threshold for me yet...But at least massive / repeated withdrawls have ceased & that's the first step yes?

Good update, Chris. Gives me hope. Oh, and I have felt at many times the way you did in your previous post about this place. When I feel that way, I take a step back, regroup and then come back when I am in a better place.

I think this summer, maybe, just MAYBE we can do the online program. Looking for a way to present to to my H.

Thanks Gdar.

My plan for keeping the toxicity at bay is to not respond to certain persons here as a hard and fast rule. I have notcied a predictable pattern which I no longer am willing to participate in. It's a time waster especially since my minutes mainly need to go to our UA & Family time.

Good grief, they just told us to go back to Lesson 3 / Selfish Demands.

We didn't complete one of the forms.

(((stamping foot)))

Oh Well...it can't hurt LOL!

OK...so now we've been given the green light to go onto the next Lesson which is Disrespectful Judgements. It includes the audio Lesson which is < 30 minutes, CH 4 of Love Busters, and the DJ Worksheets. The Worksheets seem to be designed to get an individual thinking to identify the ways they do DJ on their spouse, the way their spouse does DJ on them, the circumstances which seem to elicit DJ & how to avoid them...plus making up a plan to stop DJ in your marriage.

On Sunday, my H and I will discuss the Key Principles & Questions @ the end of the Chapter and then go over the Worksheets together.

These Lessons are really helping. My H and I are actually negotiating....using "How would you feel if...?" or "What do you think about...?"

Honestly, this is a challenging area for him and he does slip up every now and then. When that happens, sometimes I'll ask


and that will alert him to the need to reformulate what's he's attempting to convey.

Other times, I'll say


and that will be enough to convey the idea that I perceived a demand rather than a Thoughtful Request from him.

Yes...The LB / DJ Lesson (sigh)...Not exactly "nuclear" but we reached an impasse and we'll have to get some clarification from Our Coach or Dr H.

I think it was difficult for both of us to hear the types of DJs we saw the other person doing. We had trouble with our plans to eliminate DJ. My H said he knew when he was reading the Chapter on DJ that we'd probably be staying on this one for more than a week. I had a feeling / suspicion about that as well.

We are in the area of the material which gives both of us the greatest pain - the SD/ DJ/ AO triad. I believe that if we can make it past this, we're golden.

Well...we decided together to stick with DJ for a third week. This is a challenge area for both of us.

Our Coach mentioned having us email our tracking sheets for staff review. I'm willing to do that.

Last night we finalized our Plans to replace DJs with Respectful Persuasion. Those plans are supposed to be completed by Aug 12th for him & Aug 14th for me with reviews every 2 weeks on specific dates.

We will be doing a midpoint review of our Plans to replace SD with Thoughtful Requests on June 15th. Those Plans are supposed to be completed by June 30th. My impression on the SD work is that my H has greatly reduced this behavior but it has not been completely eliminated. I hoping for good news from him when he presents me with my review. I think I have improved in this area