Thanks MB, sometimes it feels like I am a different person who is looking at myself.

Just be understanding that she needs to do what she needs to do and get the info she needs to process all that has happened.
You may not understand all her thinking but she could also say that you made some decisions that don't make sense to her either.....
let her go through her processing and just do little things that show her you support her and that she is your main focus now.
You sound like a husband willing to do the work and remember we all try to fix our problems right now, I think you have to understand that over time and a lot of positive jestures she will slowly believe in you and when that happens the trust will come again.....this isn't a quick fix but something that takes a bit of time but can be better than it was before.....
hang in there

Another thing I thought about last night that might help you understand your W's email to OW:

After D-Day, I was torn up with obsessing about how the A could have happened while I was completely in the dark. One of the things that bothered me the most was that the months H was in his A rewrote my marital history. My memory of that time wasn't reality, and I had to go back and rebuild all those months to fit in the A. It was a way of reclaiming my history in complete truth.

That's pretty important to many BS's.

Yanno DH,

I'm beginning to wonder if you are all talk and no action?

I've posted some actions that you can take and I've seen no mention of it by you since?

I've asked a few pointed questions and you've avoided them?

My original take with you was that you were going to sit back and wait for a committment from your wife before doing any hard work. ((Heck you even said you were waiting for her to decide if she wanted to fight for the marriage.)) And then, I expected you would do the minimum required until your wife put in enough effort to make you feel like it was worth your effort.

From all appearances, looks like I've been right so far!

You are retired military.... You currently don't have to work to earn income.... Yet you've chosen to stay away from your wife and family even though you could easily be by their side, at home, helping them through the most devestating time of their live's.

What are you actually doing to save this marriage??

Reading a book!

I'm sorry to be so harsh (only a little) but you need a serious wake up call sir or your epitaph one day is going to read;
"Served his country well, yet lost everything he was willing to die for".

Think about it!

BH

I am curious. What steps do you think you have completed in your journey. You mention several you have had to march through, and probably you have a list of others yet to be done.

Have you detailed a plan for yourself? I do understand that part of your plan is conditional upon the responses you get from Broken, but some are not. What is your time line for your plan?

Just asking. . .

Larry

These are the things I have done so far...

-Sent to NC letter
-Have open completely honest with Broken about the A
-Have taken advise from here
-Have done a lot of soul searching
-Am about half way through reading SAA
-Have filled out the EN worksheet
-Just ordered Love Busters, will fill out the worksheet after I read it (as recommended)
-Have been calling, texting, or emailing several times a day
-If she tells me she does not want to talk, I respect that
-Have seen a councilor for 1 appt and have another tomorrow
-I will be going home for 3 weeks the first of May, we have agreed that we have a lot of work to do.

After our 3 weeks together, the kids will be done with the school year withina week of that. I hope that we have decided that they move here. Yesterday I told her why I thought that would be a good idea...

-We are in a new place but since we have lived here before we are somewhat familiar and comfortable here
-She will be closer to her family for support and that will also give us an opportunity to leave the kids with them for a couple days so we can have some time alone
-We both have old friends here but will be away from the ones that are possible bad influences or could distract us from each other


My to do list...
-Once we are together I will once again be able to help with kids and house so that she can have some time to process things
-I have already told by friends back home that I will most likely not be seeing them
-She has the EN worksheet, we plan to sit down and discuss those things, then I will have a better understanding of how to meet hers
-Let her know everyday how much I love her, appreciate her, respect her, and admire her.

tst,

Forgive me if I am a little harsh but let me explain a few things about retired military

I get 1 check a month, based on my service it is about $2000 before taxes. Take the taxes off the top. I am contributing to a Survivor Benefit Plan so that if I die my wife will receive a check for the rest of her life, we if both go, my kids will get a check until they finish college. That takes that check to roughly $1700 a month.

I have to pay a premium for medical care (not a lot but I still do), pay for a dental plan, since I am no long active duty I have to pay for life insurance, 2 vehicle payments, a house payment and the expenses that go along with that. 2 kids to raise and save for.

I have no different bills then anyone else I just get a small amount of money for working long hours with no overtime, being away from my wife and children for 6-7 months every year or so. Been shot at a few times but I did get to travel the world, some good, some bad. Somolia, Iraq, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, and about 20 other countries.

I do need to have a job and right now this is my best income unless I want to go to Iraq or Afghanistan for a year at a time and make 6 figures which would be more than I make now. I can't take the family there so I would be seperated again.

There may be retirees out there that don't have to have a second career (and many that can not have one based on injuries received while serving) but I am not one of them.

Hopefully I am on the right track, I think I am.

Sorry about the venting about military retirement but a lot of people think that after the military you are set for life, not so.

Broken agrees that for now, I should be here too.

When I sum this up�..

-You�ve sent a NC letter
- You�ve read half a book

Sorry if I seem harsh, but looks like I was right�.. you really haven�t done very much work yet��.

How about working on the EP lists I posted to you earlier!




Not harsh at all! I understand military pay very well. I understand retirement pay very well also. Not to badger you, but it looks like you�ve been in the rat race like many Americans. Good money (in your case the hazardous duty pay), yet accumulated lots of expenses too.

Well, since you and Broken agree that you keep this job �..
How about calling Dr. Harley�s office and investing in some marital coaching ASAP

Maybe the extra income can be put to some tangible use for your marriage.

So far, from what I can see, your plan is sorely lacking in anything that is going to save this marriage.

I�m sorry DH but you remind me of ME when I was in the false recovery stage!

A) Blocking all communication with Affair Partners (AP�s)--Done, sent NC and have stuck to it

B) Accounting for all of your time- Doing, let her know when I going to work, when I come home, when I go to sleep, when I wake up, what I do while awake, what happens at work

C) Accounting for all money- Doing, she pays the bills and has access to all bank statements-I explain ATM withdrawls, most purchases done with debt card, I explain them

D) Spending your leisure time with your wife-will do once I return home, currently my leisure time is spent alone in my apartment, reading books, completing worksheets, reading MB

(what follows are SUGGESTIONS, remember this is going to be YOUR list)

Has cell phone number and give password & account access to your wife--she has access to it, can see all incoming and out going calls. The AP never had this number

She has email account password

She has Facebook password

Make a copy of my vehicle keys and any other keys my wife does not have and give to her (i.e., safe deposit boxes, business keys, storage cabinets/lockers, etc.)--has vehicle keys and keys to gun cabinet, I have no other similar things

List out passwords for all business and personal computer logins, and any other passwords my wife has not had access to--currently no other accounts of any kind

Give my wife access to any banking/financial accounts, business and personal--done, she has always had access to this accept during A, was getting per diem and paid cash for everything, not happening now

Sell any vehicle OW was in and replace them--not needed, never rode in my vehicle

I do not discuss any aspects of the deployment, A or work related

You suggested a polygraph, when I mentioned that she laughed.

I have not called the coaching center and want to be with broken and discuss it before I do. If you have read her posts she has already stated that she may not agree with all Dr. Harley's steps. I am using his information to help me and mold my actions but I do not want to force it on her if she is not ready or doesn't agree.

tst, I appreciate your advice and opinion. I understand that along with that comes criticism.

I think I am doing what I can at this time in my situation. So does broken. Yesterday I mentioned your "all talk, no action" remark and asked her if she thought that also. She told me she thought I was doing what I could and I can do more when I get home. I was taking steps from here (i.e: found MB and got her posting also, ordered SAA for her, had printed out worksheets, being open and honest) that were showing her that I do want to reconcile and make this marraige better then it was before.

If you say that I sound like you why don't you tell me more of what you did that you have not already? I don't think that I am in false recovery.

Keep in mind that my situation may not be like yours.

DH

If there was something else you could do, I would not know what it would be. I asked you for a list and you provided a good one, imho.

Yea, you could have stayed home. I assume you had a deal with Broke and that is the reason why you went where you are now. I see major benefits in the move. For one thing, you will be closer to family. And that is a very good thing.

I believed you came here with the right attitude and some initial rough spots you have smoothed out. It looks as if you are in this for the long haul and will do what it is that Broke needs at any given time she needs it. Good.

I really, really hope there is a big hug when you get home, something good for both of you.

Larry

I'm glad you can see it the way I intend. My opinions, advice and criticism all run hand in hand. Your not here for a pat on the back from me.... nor do you need it from me. My goal in helping any WH is to get them to make the necessary changes so that their WIFE gives them the pats on the back, when deserved.
I'm not much for watching Waywards throw crumbs to their BS's and then receive praises from posters that have never worked the MB Program to recover a marriage.

I hope you'll continue to be understanding of my intentions. My goal is to make you think! In the process I'm certain I will make you mad too... But, If I didn't think you had a chance, I wouldn't be on your thread.

I'm have a loaded schedule today, but I will be back to address your last post in more detail later.


Although Larry would like to see you get a hug...... I'm hoping your wife takes all that pent up anger and socks you in jaw... one time... really good!

DH,

When I mentioned my false recovery...

I came home
I acted repentant
I went to counseling with my wife
I read half of SAA
I filled out some lists from the counselors
Basically, I gave my wife crumbs, and got pats on the back!

Similar to what your sitch looks like now!


HERE IS WHAT THE REAL DEAL LOOKED LIKE;

When we began our real recovery;

I came home
I wrote NC letter
I agreed to do anything my wife needed of me
I was completely O&H (6 days in a hotel room answering her EVERY question)
I agreed to do a poly
I agreed to coach with the Harley's (AND make all the arrangements)
I agreed to order all the Harley's books and read them
I read ALL 5 books... And read HNHN & FILSIL 3 more times after that.. ALL in 3 weeks (AND I'm a slow reader)
I made myself available 24/7 to her
I eliminated all internet activities except MB & shared email accounts
Gave her ALL passwords, personal & business
Set up full access to my business, avail for my wife 24/7
I exposed my adultery & made direct ammends to ALL family, church, friends, employees(ONLY required 2 weeks time - over 30 people I sat down with)
I contacted and had a meeting with my wifes attorney to draw up a Post-Nup Agreement giving her everything.
Vacated an apartment I had rented & donated EVERYTHING to Goodwill.
Set up 3 accountability partners (of my wife's choice) to keep me accountable!
I eliminated/resigned from ALL my outside board positions
I agree to stop teaching Martial Arts immediately
I agreed to MIN of 15 hrs of UA with my wife and an addtl 15 hrs of family time every week.

This and more was accomplished in 5 weeks time!

This is why I can call waywards all talk and no action!
I've been BOTH types....

A thought for you...... Your wife doesn't realize what you haven't done yet. So why are you asking her if you are part of the ATNA club?

DH,

When I counseled with the Harley's I learned more than I could have imagined. They are an amazing group of people and are extrememly specialized in marital recovery from infidelity. IMO, they are the best!

When I posted to you about Just Compensation & Extraordinary Precautions...... I was giving you two tools that are available to you that will aid in recovering your marriage. These are the same tools that Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers gave to me. She told me to write my own list. Once it was completed, I was to present it to my wife. I was told not to expect any fan fare from my wife at all. I was to do these EP's, live by them, and review/update regularly.

Your earlier post to me was an answer to me..... it was not a formal list that you can hand to your wife. Start with what you posted and use my earlier guide as a starting point. This should only take an hour or two to complete a rough draft and re-post it here for feedback, OK!

Broke said she needed the hug. But the sock in the jaw is ok with me too. I suspect BH would take it like a man.

So no TST, the hug was for Broke. Sorry I didn't make that clear.

Larry

And just to help you out BH, you may experience a frantic rebonding deal. Don't let that fool you. There will still be much work to get done.

Larry

Will the coaching center help if it is just me?

Yes, they will, and they are excellent. Why don't you make one appointment? Take some time to make work on your list like TST has advised. Take some time to see if you can figure out the reason you felt you could betray your vows. Then figure out any and all extraordinary precautions to prevent getting into a dangerous position again. You can also do a time line for the affair.

The coaching seems expensive so why not do everything that you know to do so you won't have to spend time going over the basic stuff. That way you will be that much ahead.

TST is the best at helping waywards because he understands them so well. Some of the rest of us just want to hug you for showing up here. Most don't bother. So give yourself a pat on the back for what you are doing, and continue on.

I have already requested an appointment just waiting to hear back to see when it will be.

Here is the rough draft of the EP's I came up with last night

-Spend at least 15 hours a week of UA with Broken
-Spend at least 15 hours a week doing family activities
-Stop receational internet activities (Mafia Wars), any internet usage will be in the presents of Broken
-Plan a date outside the house with Broken once a week
-Pull bigger load in household duties
-Account for all time away from Broken
-Continue to allow unrestricted access to email, FB, cell phone, financial statements
-Create opportunties for Broken to have 1 hour of "her time" a day
-Go to bed at the same time every night I'm not at work (I work from 11 PM-7AM, for now the only way that can change is if I change jobs)
-Not make any plans or decisions until AFTER I have spoken to Broken and have 100% enthusiastic agreement
-Only spend time with friends if Broken is with me
-Continue to read and reread books (SAA, LB, HNHN)
-Complete love busters worksheet (I have already done the EN one)
-Read and study Broken's EN worksheet
-Continue IC or begin MC with broken if she desires
-If Broken has errands to run, I will go with her (unless she wants to be alone)
-Stop the excessive drinking I did occassionally, when I do have a beer, limit it to 2-3 at most
-Be available 100% of time