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How ya doing, gemstone?

Very very badly today....I just had a meltdown totally...called H and cried and got upset....I stopped myself for doing a AO but still.

He is fustrated cause I don't understand his work is busy now and they wnat him 7days a week and he's under lot's of stress their for a big buy out.....these deals are huge at his work and once it gets going it just sucks up everything...and he has no time available of course he used it all last yr for huntin.

I keep going back to all the stuff that has hurt me....what he said....what he did and I can't seem to get over it....what in the hell is wrong with me???

I want to run away today.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{gemstone}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am so sorry, friend.

Will you PLEASE call Steve Harley!!? Put this situation in his hands and let him assess the situation and give you a plan. That will make you feel better. Let him tell you what to say to your H to get him on board.

H also said I don't understand about the pressure with his job that I never take that into account....but I do...that's why I am feeling so dwon in the dumps cause the job takes up everything a person has.

H also said "what? do I need to be with you 24hrs a day!" and I think I really ticked him off again. He thinks that watching some TV at night is enough and I should be fine cause he is spending time with me....why aren't I feeling this way also??? He usually is so tired he falls asleep so I just sit there but he is there as he says so to me it's just not gettin the job done.

He thinks he is spending lots of time with me and told me since I haven't forgotten that means I haven't forgiven and to stop bring all the past up.

Nobody forgets but we do forgive is how I see it.

In MB terms I think my LB is at zero of minus zero and when I get a crumb on the weekend for a few hours I am okay for a day or so then it all rolls back again....like I am in a drought again. Now with 7day or 6day work scehdules I am getting all upset again.

Oh just saw your reply Melody....I will ask spouse again...he said he would call me at lunchtime today...so I'll ask again if he would at least do this one time....I don't think he will to be honest and me doing it alone isn't gonna fix squat but I could waste $200 bucks and cry to someone on the phone for 45mins LOL...heck I can do that for free with my Mom if I want.

gemstone - from what you have posted, this man isn't showing the slightest interest in having a marriage with you. He's fine with having you as the live-in maid in his house, but that's all.

If you don't want to call the Harleys, then you need Plan B to save your own sanity. That is the *only* thing that *might* turn your husband around, but I wouldn't count on it.

Plan B will, however, shield you from his neglect and cruelty while you get your life back together and figure out what's best for YOU.

Please, please, please consider it. This man has made it clear that he is not going to change just because you want him to. He obviously has a very full life elsewhere and has no desire to share it with you.

Please go to Plan B - the sooner, the better.

gemstone, I'm sorry I confused you. I'm still pretty new to this myself. But changing my thinking on this really helped me to stop shooting myself in the foot.

I agree that a husband or wife should meet their spouse's emotional needs, because that's essentially what they promised (or should have promised) to do in their wedding vows. But, telling each other that is almost completely ineffective.

Here's what's missing in the thinking:

If you had been raised by your husband's parents,
If you had his hormones and brain chemistry,
If you had the same unmet emotional needs that he did (unmet emotional needs you probably aren't aware of),
If you had been through the same love busters that he has been through from you (love busters you probably even aren't aware of),
If you knew only what he knew about marriage,
If you had the same bad days at work that he did, dealing with the same people he was dealing with,

If all these things were true, you probably wouldn't be showing an interest in your wife's medical situation and doctor plans, either.

Realizing that is the biggest part of taking the judgment away. Your husband isn't meeting your emotional needs; there are a bunch of different possible reasons for that. Those reasons seem completely rational to him. It could be that he thinks he is too tired; it could be that he doesn't know how happy it would make you; it could be that he doesn't realize how happy it would make him for you to be happy; it could be that he thinks he is doing it and doesn't understand how to do it the way you want; it could be that something you did or did not do and you aren't even aware of has put him into withdrawal and kept him from wanting to do it for you; it could be that he hasn't learned how to be a good husband yet.

The reasons, whatever they are, are his and appear completely rational to him. Effectively, he thinks that he should be doing exactly what he is doing. That's his thing to deal with.

What you say differently, and what you focus on, is simply what you need: "I have a craving for this that, when fulfilled, makes me feel happy and satisfied, and when unfulfilled makes me feel unhappy and frustrated." Saying that is not a disrespectful judgment. That's the difference.

Does that clear that up?

gemstone, your husband sounds a lot like me.

But take heart; the Marriage Builders program can teach a guy to be a good husband! He simply hasn't learned how to be a good husband, yet. And right now, he doesn't even see a reason to learn it. He probably thinks he is the best husband he can be.

You getting into this program as much as possible and learning has the potential to get him motivated. I promise you!


Have you read this three part series on forgiveness?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html


Goodness, gemstone, talking to a coach at the Marriage Builders coaching center is not just crying to someone on the phone for 45 minutes! It's not about talking through and purging your emotions or anything like that. That stuff is all rot and hogwash.

This is coaching. It's real practical information and motivation. It's access to dozens of strategies that have worked for thousands and thousands of people from a coach who has coached thousands of people to have a successful marriage.

Read this:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8505_fft.html

I talked to Steve on the phone myself three times before my wife became involved. Best money I ever spent!

Melody has told you this several times, but let me repeat it: Steve can help you figure out how to get your husband on board.

And that is exactly the problem: your husband is not on board. Until that problem is fixed, things aren't likely to get much better. But that is a fixable problem, I promise you!!

Wouldn't it be better to try to fix the problem first, with a coach who knows how to fix these problems? Then at least if it doesn't work, you'd know you gave it your all and your best shot. Plus you would have learned a lot about what to look for and do next time, if ever, to make it work.

And if it did work ... the parents of your children would be in love with each other, for life. That sounds pretty valuable, to me.

Sure, it won't hurt to try - but gemstone sounded very resistant to calling the coaching center and she sounds like she's at the end of her rope.

I also think there's more going on here than "he doesn't know how to be a good husband", but that's just me.

What kind of other things do you think might be going on? It sounds to me like you think he's just not marriage material, and like you don't think people can learn to be.

But being a good husband/wife is learned behavior! It doesn't happen by instinct! I'm wondering if you agree with that fundamental statement.

Given his reaction to ENs, I am right there with you Mulan. I believe that he has what he wants from this M and does not even see a need for change. Gemstone has done a pretty good job of letting him know what her needs are while trying to fullfill his even though he has been uncooperative. some people are just inherently self absorbed.

If he would agree to a few sessions with the Harleys the M might have a chance but she is probably right and he will refuse.

God's Blessings,

Say

Yes, I agree that people can change and people can learn to be good spouses - but they have to have some desire to do that, and so far I have seen zero motivation from Gemstone's husband to change anything about his life.

As I said earlier: Men who utterly ignore their wives and spend every available minute hanging out with other men are doing one of two things.

They're cruising for gay men.
They're cruising for straight women.

This guy hasn't lifted a finger to be a good husband and is angry and annoyed at the very idea. He *could* learn to be good husband, sure, just like he *could* learn to speak Swahili - but if he sees no reason to do such a thing, he will certainly not bother to do them.

And we all know that "you are hurting your Betrayed Spouse" and "you could lose your marriage" mean absolutely nothing to an active WS and are NOT reason enough for them to change.

Just sayin'.

Wow; that perfectly describes the situation I had with my wife when I signed up. You can see my signup date. And now we're getting weekly coaching from Steve and signed up for Marriage Builders weekend.


But you were wrong about that.

Had my marriage continued as it was going without change, I definitely would have sought solace in male company to make myself feel better about my misery. But I would not have been gay, nor would I have cruised for other women.


Exactly. So why should she give up without getting help to show him a reason to change? If you believe what you just wrote, I can't figure out why you're advising her not to try.


Is he an active WS? I didn't see that. That does change everything. I was proceeding under the understanding that he was not, but I do tend to get other people's stories confused at times.

I wrote this on another thread this morning, and I think it applies here:

I would encourage anyone with a bad marriage to consider giving it their all with the full Marriage Builders program first before leaving. (And I would then encourage anyone with an unfaithful spouse who has given it their all not to feel any shame afterward if leaving is necessary.)

Saw your post in another thread and didn't want to continue the Thread Jack so thought I'd answer here.

My personal policy has ALWAYS been - don't tell me if you don't want my husband to know as well. Whenever people tell me things in confidence I always let them know that my husband will probably wind up knowing as well as I do talk about everything with him. I don't feel comfortable keeping any secrets from him- no matter how insignificant they seem.

As your MIL has already given you this information this situation may be a bit more sensitive, but I'd still say your husband has a right to know. I just can't imagine hearing my DH say something I know not to be true and allow him to continue thinking that. It was really unfair for his mother to tell you and expect YOU to keep her secrets.

Then again in a he said/ she said like this the truth will probably never be clear because events are always seen through one's own filters and his mother's narrative of the events may be different than his fathers.

Point is, if it were me I'd let the MIL know that I wasn't comfortable keeping this secret anymore and she was free to tell her son her version of events or I would.