I have posted here before but could use some help on this...
He has been back home since May of 2009 after a 3 month A with OW at work...

He seems to try hard to keep me happy

I still don't trust him
My question here is there is no sex with us..

There are hugs and a kiss when leaving for work and when getting home from work when he goes to bed at night...
He calls all the time from work...

I can account for all his time...

I must be far and tell you he has had a problem
in this area since his heart attack 3 years ago
I do know he tried Viagra with the OW...

His doctor told him it is not safe for him to use being he is getting blockages past his bypasses he had 3....

I told him there is other things we can do
He says it makes him feel less of a man...
I just don't know how to get back the closeness.

Or is it
He doesn't want to...
Does he still care for the OW
I don't know

I would like some input on how to talk to him about this without causing a LB...

I have been trying not to have any LB being in plan A here...

But this bothers me a great deal..........
Adds to me thinking about him and the OW ...

I have even thought maybe he just doesn't want to go here with me any longer since being with the OW...

Out sex life was really good before his heart attack....

Any advice you could give me would help me here
TY

Factors guilt, health, willing to risk blue pill for something new.

How was SF post heart attack till affair, during affair?

Things were ok before
I had learned he had been talking to this lady at work for about an year before he left here
and there has been problems with him sending her jokes in email since being back here...
There has been no other contact that I know of
I can account for all of his time...
The funny part here is he gets really upset if he thinks I am upset about anything...
I am soooooo confused here
I don't know what to do here
If I could go on like this with no closeness
it seems in his eyes all would be fine here...
How do I work on getting this back
I am looking for ideas here
and how to talk to him about this

Have you read the basic concepts on this site? Are you spending at least 15 hours a week together just you and him (no grand daughter)each week? Have you filled out the EN questionaires?" Is he on board with improving your "relationship?"

You must work on building intimacy. It does not just happen, especially after an A and especially when there is no M

God's Blessings,

Say

Yes spending more then 15 hours a week together
I am it a point even if it is just sitting down watching TV with him when there is other things I should be getting done, will let it go to spend time with him...

I just don't know what else to do here...
I have tried talking to him about it
Is that a good idea ??

Just want to chime in. If this is what you consider your 15 hours of UA time- you're not getting it.

Have you read This?

The Policy of Undivided Attention:
Give your spouse your undivided attention
a minimum of fifteen hours each week,
using the time to meet the emotional needs of
affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, and recreational companionship.

Sitting, watching television does not fulfill this requirement.

Yes and I just read it again
I think I get it
I try
all he does after work is sit and watch TV
I sit and talk to him or try to
sometimes he doesn't want me to he just wants to watch tv...
So I leave him alone as not to upset him

And sex forget it
he doesn't even try

Every night and I do mean every night
when he goes to bed
even if I am not going to bed that early
I go in the bedroom
hug on him give him a kiss
trying really hard to get that closeness back
He just gives me the feeling he just wants to go to sleep...

He says to me
I know I don't do or say the things you would like me to
but I do Love you

I just get to the point of feeling like giving up at times...
It has been so long since I have had sex with him he has been back here for 11 months it has took place only ( 2 ) times in which he had a problem...

Then I get to thinking wonder if he had this problem with the OW...

Drives me crazy
right now sitting here feeling like crying
I don't know what to do
I feel so alone right now

Has he been to a doctor to discuss these "problems"? (I assume you mean impotence / ED)

Yes he has
I went with him
the doctor says this happens has to do with blood flow...

Would I be wrong to feel that maybe he is wishing he was with the OW??

That is what goes through my mind...

I would refer you back to your other thread. Your problem was discussed at length there. This guy is a renter and will never be more than a renter. That is often the case with live in relationships where there is no marital committment. I read all of your statements in defense of him but it sounds to me like he has no interest in anything but a place to stay.

God's Blessings,

Say

He had a place he let it go
came back here
He pays for stuff here
like the 481.00 sam's club bill for food for the month
He gave me 300.00 also for the month...
He does pay his way here...
does that still make him a renter??
Not sure what all that means...
He does all the yard work here all the outside stuff he keeps up...
He didn't have all this to do when he had his apartment
He could have just kept it
But he moved back here
What would have been his point to come back here when it cost him about the same and he has a lot more work to do here,,,

Guess that is why I don't see it that way

He has always paid his way here
that has never been an issue as far as money goes...
He even gave me a debt card to his account and tells me to use it whenever I need or want... That is something he has always done the account is in both of our names..
The funny thing is to
That he left it that way even when he moved out or here for the 3 months...
He kept everything in my name as well he never changed it...
I can go on line and look at everything of his...

.... I don't think we're talking about paying bills here. We're talking about his commitment to your relationship.

Have you read this?

This is what people mean when talking about your boyfriend a renter. Sure he'll pay bills, he'll play daddy to your grand daughter. He's with you b/c he gets all the perks of having a family and you let him skate by without doing any of the work to make a relationship last.

You may be a buyer, but he isn't. He's going to do the bare minimum he can to keep you off his back. If something doesn't inconvenience him, he'll do it. Paying bills, that's easy and fair so he'll do it. Committing to meeting your emotional needs, that's harder - he'll do it if he feels like it.

It's gonna take him making a choice and commitment to change for any progress to be made - but he doesn't have to b/c you'll take him anyway he is. YOU cannot change him - he has to choose to change himself. He likes the way things are right now, so why would he change?

But, it doesn't seem like he's doing much of that work, is he? Just enough to keep you off his back and just as much as he's comfortable with.

I understand what you are saying here and you might be right !!
He called today on lunch I did a LB
He could tell I was not in a good mood he asked what was wrong

I said having a bad day
I told him I wish things were different here that I wish he was more affectionate then I did the LB added but feel it is not me that you want that with...

well he let me go said he didn't want to fight

He called me back
said I was in tilled to have a bad day...
He said he didn't understand why I had to dig up the past
that he didn't want to do that...
I asked him

do you think things will ever get back to the way they were with us
He said he thought things had been going good

I asked if he didn't want to be with me in a sexual way
and asked him to be honest with me
He said
this isn't something to talk about while at work
I said OK

I will not keep excepting things the way they are..
I want it to be a lot better
But for me that is sex to
if I my be so blunt
I miss it
and feel I have every right to...
I am human and not dead as they say...

Am I wrong to push this
is it a LB...
I have worked on it for months and I am not getting anywhere.
feel like a fish going up stream
I guess what I am looking for here is some advice on how to move it forward ..
Looking for help from people that have been here done this...

He knows how I feel I made that plain today
told him I want to meet his EN asked him if I was
he said he had no complaints
I told him I have ENs
and wish we could talk about it without it turning into a fight...
His point seems to be I want to bring up the past
guess that is because
I said to him
I feel it isn't me he wants to be that way with...

Where do I go from here
I am listening to you
I really am

I need to add this

He said to me
I can't help the way you feel
does he really believe this ???

YES he can
there is a lot he could do to help me feel better about this..

No, you're not wrong. You do deserve this. Unfortunately



He's decided it's not his problem. There are things he could do to help you but he's decided not to do them. By this statement he admits that he want to put no effort into making you happy if its inconvenient for him and will not bother to abstain from making you unhappy.

The question is, do YOU think you deserve this. Sticking with him and not standing up for yourself is saying you think you deserve this.

Is this the type of relationship you want to model for your granddaughter; for her to base the measure of success for her future relationships on? Because that is what you're doing.

It's one thing to fight for a relationship - to struggle through TOGETHER to make it work. It's quite another to put up with neglect just to be with someone who doesn't even realize or believe they need to put in any effort.

He treats you this way because you LET him.

Well I do understand the reasons you two did not marry and I think in this case you have good solid reasons NOT to marry and they don't have anything to do with your level of commitment. So I won't beat that old drum here. I'm on board with your decision not to marry.

However I do agree that from what we hear here (admittedly, only your side of things), it does sound like you are much more invested in this relationship than he is.

Many men experience ED problems later in life and for some it is treatable and for some it is not. It does sound like your partner has at least been to the doctor and it sounds like his issues with ED are the result of reduced blood flow and that viagra would be very dangerous to him.

This is a very difficult situation. You don't want to beat up on him over something he cannot control, yet you don't want to live a lonely rest-of-your-life because he's lazy.

How would you feel if he were a paraplegic as a result of an accident and couldn't walk or ever have sex again? Would you still be this frustrated? How would you approach your problem then?

I would explore alternatives. There are devices that go on the penis that allow the blood to flow into the penis but not out so easily, and that helps to get and maintain an erection. I don't know if there is a "nice" name for them but I have heard them called [censored] rings. The auto-censor edited that out but think of a rooster.

Also you can get vibrators and dildos and have him use those on you. You can probably give him oral sex safely (make sure to check w/his doctor to be sure that would be safe, because it would involve elevated heart rates and blood pressure for him).

If he says it makes him feel "like less of a man" then tell him that what YOU ARE HEARING (not necessarily what he is trying to say at all, but what YOU are getting from this) is that his pride is more important to him than your satisfaction with the relationship. If he protests that that's not true, ask him, calmly, to clarify.

Either he's willing to explore alternatives, or he's not. If he's not, it's because something else is more important to him.

Turtlehead
I want to THANK YOU soooo very much
you understand where I am at
that helps me feel much better ty

I have told him there are other things that can be done here..
And have some of the things you talk about here...
But he doesn't go there...
He even knows that I have taken matters into my own hands
you know what I mean here

Still he doesn't try...
That is why I feel the way I do...
And I think I am about at the end of my rope here..

I do not beat him up I won't do that to him...
And YES I am very committed to this relationship
To me I feel no different then if we were married
He would mean no more to me if we were then he does now
It has been 11 years now...
I am a buyer I know that

I am going to talk to him about this
and will try my hardest not to get upset
all day today I have felt like crying
I have been a mess here

I will start off by telling him I am a buyer and not a renter and explain that to him...
And think I will tell him if he says the same things to me
That what I hear in that is something else is more important to him...

He will get bent can tell you that right now
every time I try to talk to him about this it seems to end up in a fight...
I even said to him today
I so wish we could talk about this without it ending up in a fight all the time...

He likes to say to me
what ever I do it is never enough
and he says to me
I want what I want

I can tell you this
I bust my butt here to try and make sure all is taken care off
and he comes home to a clean house and dinner ready every day...
He has even said to me
What more could a person ask for here....

I don't think I am asking for to much here
I really don't
I don't think I am being selfish here...
At least I hope I am not...

thank you again
I really feel I can talk to you
and that means a lot to me

I have to say here that I think that you are beating your head against a wall but I will ask you again...Is he willing to fill out the EN questionaire with you? Rather than try and educate him on something that he appears to have no interest in, I would quietly tell him that you don't feel that you are filling each other's ENs and you would like to give your relationship that chance. From what you have said, I doubt that he is interested in fullfilling your needs but it would not hurt to try.

God's Blessings,

Say

Could he be "afraid" to try sexual things? Health issues involving the heart can be very scary. Have you asked him if he's afraid? Some men won't admit that.

Also, have you ASKED him if he had these problems with OW? And let him know that this is driving you crazy wondering if it is just you or solely a medical issue.

If he says yes then you can rest a little easier about that, knowing that it's not just you. If he says no, ask him what changed. Do not LB when he tells you though. You may not like his answer.

Part of recovery from an affair is getting ALL the questions answered that are important to you.