Pepperband wrote, You see, you did not actually "end" the relationship

Wow, in 1979 my SIL wanted to have sex with me, I ignored her.

Then about 2 years ago she had cancer and it was not clear that she would pull through and she told me she "loved me". So yes I'll second that motion that you need to end the relationship, the constant contact keeps fondness alive.

Gamma

Melody, are you saying you think it would not be a good idea for him to make an appointment with Steve or Jennifer?

I think that would be a great idea. I don't consider that individual counseling, but marriage coaching.

edited to add: Oh duh, i see now why you think I was saying that. I will change my post. Thanks Markos.

This level of deception is quite breathtaking. It sounds like many people knew what you and the skanky sister had done to the wife behind her back and yet you still paraded her and your children around this fox in the henhouse. Everyone knew, except the victim. She never had a chance to protect herself from you and the SIL.

deleted (honest mistake of pasting my post into his thread instead of mine. i won't touch this one.)

I have made an appointment for next week and I realize more and more that I really need help. You are correct that I did the wrong thing by not protecting my wife from her SIL. I know that really hurts her and now I realize how wrong it was.


i ended the affair with a conversation with her.

You are right. I did not protect my wife then, but it sure will be what I do from now on. I didn't mean to imply that I did not place her in a terrible situation then, because I did. I only meant that I was never physical with her after this time.

The honest feedback helps me understand this.

I am looking for advice on sending an apology letter to my wife's family. I have put one together. Should I just send it, ask my wife to read it first, put it on here to see what you think? What thoughts do you have?

This is my template. Let your wife review it and have her give her approval. I would like to see it, but just for my entertainment, I don't think I would have much to add.

To whom it may concern:
I am a dum bass and I had sexual affair with SIL. Sorry I have lied and dissappointed the family for the last 9 years.

I am still in love with Delta, and I want it to work.

We plan on not having any contact with SIL during family events. Please support us on this decision, and help us heal.

HLFH

HLFH,

You asked earlier where should you start with your reading. You then made a well thought out request about letting your W see this.

So here are your marching orders with regard to reading. Go read Harley's two policies. One is the policy of joint agreement, POJA. The other is the policy of radical honesty. If you had used these in your marriage you would not be where you are now.

However, if you use these policies now, you will find that questions such as you asked are straight forward in their answer.

You and your W should be radically honest with one another, this is nto the same as brutally honest. Please read the article. You should also take no actions unless your W agrees and these actions should be negotiated so that they are win-win. If you cannot agree then no action should be taken.

There is much more for you to read but start there.

God Bless,

JL

She never threatened me with exposure.

Thanks for guiding me. I will read this information and follow it.
My apology letter to my wife's family is


I want to apologize for having an affair. What I did was completley wrong and there is no excuse for what I have done.
I am totally committed to BW and working to repair our marriage. I know that I have hurt BW so deeply and this will take time. I will tell you she is the most precious woman in the world and someone that I am truly blessed to have in my life.
I am so sorry for the pain that I have caused you and the pain that will this will be for your family.
I know that my affair is my deepest regret of my life and lieing to BW is my second. I promise you that I will never hurt BW ever again in my life.
I do hope with time that you will be able to look at me with forgiveness the next time you see me.

I do not want to be too short to not be sincere. The last sentence I am not sure of, I do not want to automatically assume that I will be seeing her family in the future, but I also want to be able to know that I will be able to look them in the eyes when I do see them.

I actually posted my apology before I read this one. I do have to say this is brutally honest and to the point. Boy have I felt more and more like a dum bass as I continue to read the responses and information contained on the site. I needed this site before now.

Previously I believed that it was acceptable to be around my SIL for all of the wrong reasons and after reading the information and postings, I realize how wrong I was and I know that NC is the right thing to do. I will ensure that we follow NC.

Isn't it funny that BS and WS alike say this when they "get it."

I am glad that you have been receiving all of the great advice so far. This is a long hard journey. You seem to be taking the correct first steps. Listening to the vets and other posters on here is always a GREAT thing. Keep it up.

Your letter is good but a couple of suggestions.....

"I want to apologize for having an affair" with SIL in 199____

For those that MAY not realize, it lets them know with WHOM and when. It was NOT many affairs, it WAS with a family member and it has NOT continued.
AND, before your last sentence,,add that you are asking for their prayers & support as you & your W attempt to rebuild your marriage.