Good letter

One of the best of the best here. There is a ton of wisdom in posts gone by and with those who have come and gone and those who stay.

I am going to share with you something I just learned. It was by someone who has posted less than a hundred posts. The post is an example of what I keep preaching, everyone can contribute, if they will.

Here is what this BS2008 said:


The point is that YOU were not a serial adulterer. At one point, you wife thought good things about you, as well she should.

Dr. Harley says that the seeds of adultery are in all of us. When it happens, we change into a kidnapped alien. When it is done, and remorse sets in, we sometimes change to a better version of our former self. Nice goal, eh?

Think about it.

Larry

When I see this said by a WS, I always try to point out the obvious flaw (or wayward babble).... You are really asking, "When is she going to get over this and move on!"

When you make all the necessary changes in your actions, your mind will gradually catch up.... so get to work on YOU and YOUR EP's. Your recovery is not about where your wife is in the process,,,,,, it's about where YOU are in the process!


Just delivering a quick but necessary

Random thoughts...

I really hope there is a shift in the jet stream and those dark clouds I think I see coming this way go someplace else.

tst, I don't want to sound that way but I am just trying to understand her point of view better.

Broken told me she sent the OW an email. I know that all trust with me is gone but...
Is my word really so useless that Broken would rather hear from her than me?

what does the BS expect to hear for the OW (or OM)?

(she only told me she sent it...not the content)

Nearly all BW's want to contact the OW. Maybe it is a female thing. Most of us were raised with the rule that you don't bang another woman's husband.

I think she's probably looking for anything at this point, processing as much as she can. Anything to help her put all the puzzle pieces together.

OK

I have been doing this a lot...I say (or write) something then while doing random everyday things think of what I just did and think of how I could have done them better.

For example, my reply to believer and MB, I went in the kitchen and thought, "you sure were rude with your reply" so here I am back to say thanks for the reply.

I think I would make this easier for Broken, since I am not that smart, if I thought my answers out better before speaking.

Have any of you come across a website for how to deal with that? LOL

Pretty much, yes, your word is useless; you made it that way, bud. You trashed your own credibility. No one had a gun to your head -- you did it freely; and if you had reservations, you dismissed 'em. None of that was your wife's doing.

As ms bliss said, your wife needs to process things. She has an emotional need to feel comfortable with the info she's got, and she has an emotional need to feel that she has some control over this recovery process. (Yes, I know, OW might spin things her way, and OWs lie, by definition, and so your wife probably would be well-advised to take what she hears from OW with a grain of salt.)

But you can't control what OW says, just as you can't control what you did in the past. So don't waste brain bandwidth on that.

Focus on what you can control: You can control what you tell your wife (by making sure it's the truth), and you can control how much patience you show your wife -- for instance, by not getting in any way bent-out-of-shape if she's somewhat guarded about how much she trusts the word of a recently-confessed adulterer/liar now. (What is it, less than a month after d-day for her?)

Aren't you out of town on training? Man, she can't even look you in the eye right now, 'cuz you're not there. How powerless must that make her feel? What do you think about that? If she sends OW an e-mail -- well, the act of doing that is something that your wife had control over.

Obviously, she cares about you, or else she'd have sicked a lawyer on your butt already. That oughtta make you feel encouraged, but it also oughtta incline you toward humility. When you think you've given her some slack, you'd better give her some more.

Right now...pretty much.

Try to understand your BW is trying to find the truth. She is going to look for it anywhere she can. She does not believe you 100% because you have been a liar, and a good liar, about the thing she desperately needs the 100% truth about...your affair. So she is going to search for that truth anywhere and everywhere...even in unreliable places...the OW.

What do you do? Keep giving her the truth even when she doesn't believe you. Keep loving her even when she doesn't want you to. Keep changing into a better man and husband even when you feel it is pointless.

Have you given her the 100% honest truth about your affair and the OW?

Deerhunter,
Occasionally, I would still like to compare answers supplied by my FWH to ones that the OW might provide. At this point in our recovery though, I have the presence of mind to talk myself out of the need to do that; but sometimes the triggers do indeed force me to that dark place.

I'm sixteen months past d-day; when I was where your wife is in this process, I was such a mess that I couldn't begin to think logically. Thank goodness my remorseful FWH understood how messed up I was. He never once criticized me for my actions or words; he apologized over and over again and tried to comfort me.

As an earlier poster told you, your BW doesn't even yet know the questions to ask. And the questions she does ask now are likely to be asked over and over again because she will need to process and re-process them in the light of new overpowering triggers and thoughts.

Stay the course, my friend. From the beginning, you struck me as truly remorseful and understanding of your wife's distress. You must constantly remind yourself that you bought the tickets for this un-ending ride. It will get better but not anytime soon. If you love her as you say you do, your only goal right now will be to comfort her on this journey that she never wanted to take.

GY

Thanks guys and gals.

I am speaking truths and have patience. I am not too worked up about the email

Yes I am out of town and think I can imagine how powerless she feels because I feel the same. She can't look me in the eyes, just like I can not look her in the eyes or read her body language in what she says to me. I feel just as helpless. I can not comfort her by holding her, letting her cry on my shoulder or be there for her to see my pain (which even though she is a wonderful, kind, caring woman would probably get at least some satisfaction out of that).

I am staying positive and I think I am bettering myself even though right now I don't see that in return. I will not give up.

awesome, awesome words!!!! Do not give up. It'll take a long time I know but with that kind of attitude I just know you will be successful!!!

WHY do you want to better understand her point of view?

What is causing your pain? Can you describe it in detail?

Speaking as a FWW, my BH wanted to talk to the OM. They exchanged a couple of emails, but OM wouldn't talk to him. My H wanted information, and no, he couldn't trust me. He also wanted to see if OM felt even a little bad about the A, since it was someone he knew.

I don't have anything profound to add except that with 100% transparency, humility, and a lot of time, recovery is highly possible. It has been almost 4 years since our D-Day, and the A has been a non-issue for my H for a long time. I didn't ask, "When will H bee okay?" I asked "What can I do to make amends and change myself?" That's a big key.

Mr. Bliss never used to concern himself too much with what other people think. He actually used to criticize me because he thought I worried too much about what other people think. He sees things much differently now, post-A, and realizes that it is a good guide for the actions that he chooses to take. Looks like you're doing that, too.

Just so you know - I didn't see your post as being rude.