SW is pretty much on the money. And then there's the emotional tax on the kids.

I've got other fish to fry at the moment.

To LA's point, I'm trying NOT to feel guilty that I am quickly emotionally withdrawing from this marriage.

Also, speaking as someone who has been in a frighteningly similar situation (OH and I are convinced we were separated at birth), not only does it take a tremendous amount of energy to evict your spouse, they are physically removed from family and he has no connections where they're at... which means she must confront the guilt of throwing him out without a way to support himself or even a place to sleep. Even though it's not her responsibility, we women who have been supporting our mates for so long, start feeling as if it is - and it's incredibly hard to break free of that.

Not to mention lawyers & courts cost money, especially if he refuses to go.

I understand OH needing to "get her ground" so to speak. I just also know that this kind of situation builds until something breaks sometimes while you're trying to do just that, and it's never pretty.

Again...woah.

I love my network. Just emailed another guy I know (another guy from that same ad agency...) who now lives in same city as that second job opportunity... to see if he knew the hiring authority there.

The hiring authority is his neighbor.

On a roll.....

Not to get you off track, OH, but maybe you could start another thread in the Other Topics about how to use LinkedIn or whatever. I can't see how they work except for people who are in the same company. The privacy exposure seems like an issue, too. But I am glad it is working for you. Does your husband know? Maybe you could show him how to network a bit. He might see that if he doesn't make a move, that you might have to.

He uses LI too. The post wasn't really supposed to be about networking through LI per se. I just used my LI contacts as a quick and easy way to send out a blast about my job search/sitch to a lot of people. The support and even referrals have been great.

Here's the difference in our work styles: I had that terrible meeting two weeks ago this Friday. On Saturday, I'd crafted and sent out my LI blast. He decided some time early last week that a blast might be a good way for him to go as well (duh..isn't that part of what LI is for?) He's still working on the verbiage for his blast.

When you send correspondence through LI, you can bring up your network, click on the people to whom you want to send (thereby avoiding people you currently work with or people you don't want to see that communication) and also check off a box that hides everyone's email addresses from each other. The "blast" then hits everyone's personal email..or whatever email they've got registered on LinkedIn. Nice and easy.

I'm working on networking/contacting the hiring authority for this position and instead of going the traditional "send my resume into the black hole of human resources", I will contact this HA, most likely through LI, using the "introduction" feature from the two people who know her. Gives me a bit of credibility up front.

I'll have to go look at LI again. Someone asked me to sign up, but after that, ... what?!? I don't work for one corporation. I consult.

It's a good networking tool. You can email me off line if you have questions.

OH, I had an interesting conversation this week with a woman whose first husband died of early onset Alzheimers. They were already divorced (after a 20 year marriage) when he was diagnosed. He died when he was 50.

She talked about his work history...how he went from a hardworking man with a good job to basically being fired from job after job until he was even fired from his stock boy job at Wal-Mart and he sat playing video games all day. She knows now that all of that was part of the early stages of Alzheimers.

I don't really think your dh has something like A...but I begin to think of your situation and thought how sad it would be if he did.

SW, he's had a spotty work history the entire time I've known him. I don't know why...sometimes I think he's trying to be that square peg in a round hole and if he would just be open to some career coaching or willing to try something else, he might be more successful.

This morning he said: "I know you're upset, tired, stressed out and not feeling well, but are you mad at me?"

And the sad thing is, I'm not mad at him. I'm....nothing. And I told him that. That I was not feeling mad or sad or anything *at* him. I was feeling sad, angry, depressed, stressed, etc but it was centered around me. And I found the numb area in my feelings where it came to him was the most sad thing of all.

(((OH)))

My H had problems with his first career - music ministry. We kept trying smaller and smaller churches, hoping that would ease the stress. But the bottom line was that he just wasn't meant for present day music ministry. In our denomination it has taken on more of a "performer" and "rock star" thing, and that just ain't DH. So he went to school for something else. But it took a long time for him to come to that decision. If that is your H's sitch, I wish he would see that choosing something different does NOT mean he was a failure at the first thing. It just wasn't the right thing.

I am glad you were honest with him about what you did and didn't feel. Hopefully that made an impression. I would rather someone be boiling mad at me than not care at all.

Please take care of you. I know I am still probably sensitive to depression since my recent hospital stay, but try not to let those feelings overwhelm you. And if it gets really dark, shout out to someone. You have plenty of really good vets' emails, but if you want mine, you can have it. I don't want anybody to have to feel alone.

OH, it's awesome that you've got lots of leads. Any concrete offers on the table?

Luri, I wish he would consider other options. He could be successful in sales...can sell ice to eskimos...but he doesn't want to go that route. I've suggested other options to him...partnering with some contacts who are out on their own but need help (no immediate pay but something to *do* and the possibility of a payoff down the line) and so on but he just pushes back. It's very discouraging.

I even suggested he drive a UPS truck. You can imagine the reaction to that!

Chris, no concrete offers yet. In my profession, it's a long process. I'm following up on another lead today.

Will you please consider the GS Track for an interim position?

I'd consider the GS track for any position. I'm working that angle too.

Wonderful.

So yesterday, H got out and met with a few people: networking kind of thing. I was glad to see him crawl out from behind his computer. He sent me an email later in the day (I was in my office, not working from home) that basically summed up the meetings; it was obvious he was feeling good about them. Said he was making chicken soup and getting ready to deliver the kids where they needed to go. Told me to drive carefully and signed it "love". He doesn't do that kind of thing much anymore.

I was happy to hear the upbeat tone of his email and I admit I got a bit squishy with the "love", even if it was understated. But (there's always a but?)...there are so many issues here for me, I found myself arguing with myself about what my reaction should be when I got home. I've seen the movie of jumping up and down with him, getting all excited, then nothing happens and he crashes and I wind up being the dog that gets kicked. And the meetings were: networking with one guy here in town who is a recruiter w/ contacts. And another guy here in town who works in a similar industry who apparently told him his company has an opening and he'd get him in to see HR.

Here's my pessimistic side coming out: All well and good that he's supposedly going in to see HR. No definite appointment booked yet. No interview yet. Still a long process. And in the meantime, he's not working, I'm not making enough to cover the bills, and there ARE part-time jobs out there or low level FT jobs that he could probably grab to help pay the bills.

That's where I am and that's why I'm out of gas. That, and the angry outbursts from him. This morning, he got short with our daughter because she was humming and singing. These things drain my love bank big time. And I'm sure my emotional and physical withdrawal is draining his big time.

So when I got home, even though I'd had a crappy day at work, feeling like I maybe have another 2 weeks to a month to milk this thing along, I resolved to be cheerful to everyone. H asked me if I'd read the email and I said I had and he said "well what about that job situation..." And I said "yeah, great!" with a thumbs up. And he just shook his head in disgust and said he was going to pick up our son from lacrosse practice.

So again last night, I made my tea, crawled into bed with my book and again purposely avoided another opportunity to sit in front of the boob tube with him.

I feel really bad but I feel like I'm running on empty.

I feel you, OH. H has made many comments about openings he read bout, but then hasn't followed through. So it's hard not to get guarded about being happy when he mentions one.

I am trying to practice picking out a few specific good things he mentions or emails and reiterating how positive those things sound. Then I let him know I will help him in any way I can while he does a, b, or c. Like: "I was really excited when you told me xxx, and yyy sounds really good. Let me know how I can help you do zzz to get ready. I'm proud of you for seeing this through." It's not jumping up and down, and the focus is on his CONTINUING efforts, but there's still a boost there for him. Would that work for your H?

And as far as draining goes, I know that is hard too. Running on empty is hard. If I lived close by, we could go out and see a good movie and run on empty together!

Just like holdingontoit and themud work to get their wives to change, then let their pessimism sit on their shoulder like a little devil telling them, "Her nice responses aren't real. They won't last", it is so easy to let your residual resentment carry over and throw cold water on your husband finally making some little effort that he enjoyed. Don't do that.

Think of his small success as being linked to our small successes in networking: maybe things are turning your way for both of you - whoever's ship comes in first, just be sure both of you are ready to help unload it.

Retread, it's good advice...really. Maybe I'm just too under water to see my way clear. I agree that I shouldn't throw cold water on his successes. I don't think I do that...at least I try not to do that.

I get upset at having my responses judged because I still haven't learned to let go of the response and let him own it. So his typical comment of "well, I won't share XYZ with you again.." usually results in me capitulating and apologizing which just ticks me off (at myself!) and I feel like I lose the ground I've worked so hard to gain.

I have a desperate EN that's not being met here..FS. And it's hard for me to get enthusiastic about ideas and other things that aren't cold, hard job opportunities or an effort to do something in the interim to bring in cash.

I admit I am engaging in my own form of emotional dishonesty. I should tell him just what I've told you all here. I have, in the past. His response of "how could you suggest that to me...lowest of the low" type thing, puts me off and encourages me to stay steeped in silence.

So my remark to him yesterday about feeling nothing, feeling numb...may have made an impression. Or maybe he thinks it will blow over.

I guess I can't control what he thinks!